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Original poster

Please help me with funeral arrangements

375 replies

feedmenow · 14/03/2008 14:35

My daughter Eris was stillborn on Tuesday at 39 weeks.

Now we are having to do something that I never dreamed I'd have to do, and I have no idea where to start.

I suppose we need a funeral director, but who do we use? I don't know anyone round here who has buried their child. In fact, I don't know anyone who has buried their child, full stop.

I think we want her cremated, although it saddens me more to know that with tiny babies there will not be any ashes to take away with us.

I have looked online at coffins but cannot bare to imagine my tiny daughter in one.

I want something beautiful to commemorate her in some way, but what can be said about a tiny angel who never even drew a single breath?

Has anyone else here had to go through this? How and where did you begin?

OP posts:
hazygirl · 07/04/2008 14:14

fmn what a lovely little girl, take care and m thinking of youxx

Beauregard · 07/04/2008 14:24

Feedmenow- I just wanted to post to say how truly sorry i am
May your beautiful daughter Eris rest in peace.
Thinking of you and your family at this time and sending you love(albeit it virtually)

xxxxxxx

charleymouse · 07/04/2008 23:06

FMN you have a beautiful family and tiny Eris looks so perfect and beautiful, It is hard to look at our photos but I am so glad to have them.
I would take your lead from the FD re whether to see Eris prior to the funeral as DT1 did not have a postmortem he just looked exactly like he did when alive. With regard to the coffin DH felt he would like to try and carry it but the FD said if he coudn't manage it on the day not to worry he would step in and cary it for us. Just let him try if he wants but no pressure. There are no right or wrong ways to do things you have to do what feels right for you/DH and your DC.

Hope you are feelng well and coping, lots of love CM.

LintFree · 07/04/2008 23:06

Feedmenow, What a beautiful baby girl. Thank you so much for sharing Eris with us. She has touched the hearts of so many and we all send you, DP, DC and Eris lots of loving thoughts and {{{hugs}}} for the days to come.

lilyloo · 08/04/2008 09:25

FMN thinking of you all in the lead up to next Tuesday as others have said go with the flow and see how you feel on the day, things can be changed at the last minute.

shabster · 09/04/2008 07:19

Just checking on you FMN. Wanted you to know you are, as always, in my thoughts xxxx

frasersmummy · 09/04/2008 08:13

are you holding up fmn???

My heart goes out to you waiting so long for the funeral.

Are you finding things to fill your days??

Remember we are here if you want to chat

sending you hugs

Original poster
feedmenow · 09/04/2008 17:12

Hello everyone. She is beautiful isn't she? (Although of course I would think that!)

I went to see her today and I'm so glad I did. She looked perfect still.

The FD told me to take as long as I wanted but recommended I didn't move her. After half an hour, the FD came back to see I was OK and then picked Eris up and put her in my arms. One last, special, unexpected cuddle. I am going back on Monday to take her photos and letter and stuff.

Despite my desire to curl up on the sofa/in bed watching crappy TV, the children are on school holidays so I'm having to make a bit of an effort. We did a bit of gardening today and planted some forget me nots so that we can think of Eris whenever we are coming and going. I mean, it isn't like we'd forget her but having something pretty to see every time we come and go will hopefully make us smile.

Big hugs to all. xx

OP posts:
shabster · 09/04/2008 19:01

oooohhhhh FMN awwwwww - what a special, special time for you with Eris. I was praying that you would be able to see her. That will become a cherished memory.

On a very weird coincidence note - I just went into our back yard and noticed how the massive tub of forget me nots are beginning to flower - great minds think alike FMN

lilyloo · 09/04/2008 19:29

fmn so glad you managed to have another cuddle and that she still looks like a beautiful sleeping angel , much love to you and ((((hugs)))) the forget me nots is a lovely idea .

lucywill · 09/04/2008 21:46

feedmenow, what an absolutely beautiful little girl who looks so peaceful. how lovely you could have a proper goodbye, though she will live on in your and your family's hearts and in the many who read this very sad thread. how magnificently you are coping. thinking of you too over the days to come. lucy.

NorthernLurker · 09/04/2008 22:22

a beautiful little girl - thinking of you

justjules · 10/04/2008 09:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SorenLorensen · 10/04/2008 09:33

She is beautiful, fmn - I am so sorry for your loss; and for the losses of everyone who has posted so eloquently and movingly on this thread. Love to you all.

lilyloo · 10/04/2008 09:37

FMN thinking of you in the lead up to Tuesday , i will be away next week but will take a moment on Tuesday to say a prayer for you and your family and especially beautiful Eris.
Hoping you are taking some comfort from yesterday.

shabster · 10/04/2008 09:38

Morning FMN - just touching base to let you know I am here if you need to scream. xxx

imjin100 · 10/04/2008 11:55

thinking of you and your lovely idea of the forgetmenots made me smile.
hugs to you all.

Original poster
feedmenow · 10/04/2008 21:22

Lily, hope you have a good week away next week. When we are at the funeral I will take a moment to picture all you generous ladies being there with us too.

A friend of ours sent me a text today saying that he plans to run a half marathon in the summer and that, if it is OK with us, he would now like to do it to raise money for SANDS. It made me cry all over again to know that people care.

Also, it crossed my mind today that although so many of you keep coming here to give support, I will miss you all when this thread trails off (as, of course, it will!). Please tell me where you all hang out so that i can try and keep in touch. It has been so lovely to have your support over the past month....

OP posts:
shabster · 10/04/2008 21:42

FMN - this thread doesnt have to finish - why not re name it Eris' gift (or something along those lines) because of the awful experience of loosing Eris you have given lots of bereaved mummies the chance to try to help and to tell their story. I would like to thank Eris and you for the opportunity to voice my feelings and fears.

Original poster
feedmenow · 10/04/2008 21:55

Hey, Shabster! Am sat here not knowing what to do with myself and thought I would pop back and see if anyone was around, and here you are! I'm smiling now!

Maybe you're right! Maybe a thread for bereaved mummies (and dads too I suppose!) would be nice. It seems to be the sort of thing that you don' realise other people have been through until you start talking.

I mean, I had a mc last Jan and didn't know til then that I had friends who had been through it too.

And now this. My experience has taught me alot. When I first posted I saod I didn't know anyone who had been through it. well, it turns out I was wrong. For a start, my mums 1st born daughter dies just beofre she was 4. I'd always known about her but my parents didn't talk about her much, and we never had photos of her around. But they have talked about her more in the past month than ever before. ANd my dp was one of triplets, one of whom was stillborn. Again, I knew about him but nobody really talked about him. Where as I know a lot more about him (and what happened to him) now.

I think death is often something people think they should be "over" but it can effect you for a hell of a long time, can't it?

After all, the only certainty in life is death, so we should be more open about it, talk about our losses and share our grief.

Thank you for being around so much and such a support. You truly are a star!

OP posts:
lackaDAISYcal · 10/04/2008 22:03

feedmenow, she is beautiful. your family photo has me in tears.

i was just thinking about you earlier and wondering how you were. Everyone on Knickercheckers has been thinking about you.

My thoughts will be with you and your family, and baby Eris on the 15th

a support thread sounds like a wonderful idea. so many people are affected by this, in RL, and here on MN.

shabster · 10/04/2008 22:04

FMN Hiya love - please think about keeping 'our thread'. It does affect you for many years, in fact I think it does forever. But it changes over time and becomes somehow easier to cope with. Still have times when I take twenty steps back but its quite rare.

It is amazing once you start talking to people there are so many similar stories. I think that helps though because I used to think I was the only one.

Im always here for you love, will help in any way I can. Will check in with you in the morning take care honey xxxxx

Original poster
feedmenow · 10/04/2008 22:27

Thanks daisy. Nice to know I'm thought of, even if it is by a bunch of knickercheckers Have to say, though, I never really stopped knicker checking!

Shabster, 'our thread' is a beautiful idea. I've often wondered over the recent weeks what Eris' purpose was (you know, if she wasn't meant to be with me then what was she meant for? What was she meant to teach or show me?), and I think I can safely say that one of the things she has taught me is the wonder of humanity. The love and support I have had from everyone I know is amazing. Then add to that the love and support you can get from someone who you've never met but who can empathise with you, share your sorrow and your joy. Well, it is just amazing.

I have to say if I had a choice between having had her here safe in my arms or having "met" all you lot, I would still chose my daughter a billion times over (which I know you all fully understand!) but at least I have found something.....

OP posts:
LouiseAnn · 10/04/2008 22:31

Hello FMN, just posting to say I am thinking of you. I have just found this thread. I will say a prayer for you and your family - I hope you don't mind.
We lost our 11 year old son in a road accident last July. It is surreal and horrible to arrange your child's funeral and to do things like choose their coffin. It feels like a huge responsibility and one you have not prepared for.
Don't be afraid to ask for help in whatever way you need. Also don't be afraid to turn down offers of help that you don't need. We had lots of those.
We are muddling though quite well at the moment. The counseling and anti-depressants have definitely helped me. Be careful to keep close to Eris's Dad. This situation puts a big strain on any relationship. Keep talking to each other. Also keep talking to your other children. Don't be afraid to be sad in front of them.
Love from LouiseAnn

Original poster
feedmenow · 10/04/2008 22:48

Thanks LouiseAnn. My initial thought is that I can't imagine losing an 11 year old, but I suppose the reality is that losing anyone - especially a child ( no matter how old) - is just very wrong.

I have to say, since we lost Eris I am so much more scared for my dd and ds. I think it has just brought home to me that these things don't just happen to other people, they happen to us

I am so sorry for you that you lost your son. You must miss him terribly. Is it something you want to talk about?

Keep your eyes open - Shabster has suggested we keep a thread going for bereaved parents and I think it is a lovely idea.

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