Please help me with funeral arrangements

[feedmenow]

My daughter Eris was stillborn on Tuesday at 39 weeks.

Now we are having to do something that I never dreamed I'd have to do, and I have no idea where to start.

I suppose we need a funeral director, but who do we use? I don't know anyone round here who has buried their child. In fact, I don't know anyone who has buried their child, full stop.

I think we want her cremated, although it saddens me more to know that with tiny babies there will not be any ashes to take away with us.

I have looked online at coffins but cannot bare to imagine my tiny daughter in one.

I want something beautiful to commemorate her in some way, but what can be said about a tiny angel who never even drew a single breath?

Has anyone else here had to go through this? How and where did you begin?

OMG Louise - we lost our 7yr old son in 1992 due to a prat reversing his lorry and knocking down our Matt. Its the most sureal experience. Also lost a twin baby boy in 1982 due to congenital heart problems.

so sad for your loss.

FMN - we have to all stick together - Eris' circle of love - I understand so much that you would pick your lovley girl over us lot maybe this is Eris' purpose and reason - to unite many bereaved families. I think our lives are planned out for us long before we get here.

Circle of Life

I love this song - it is how I feel today - 26 yrs after loosing Gareth and 16 years after loosing Matt. Now my firstborn Dan (Gareths twin) is about to become a daddy for the first time. I am about to become a gran for the first time. So much sadness for so many years and now......the circle of life....In June Lewis Daniel will be born.

Hello FMN,

Been a while since I posted on here but you and all the other people on here have been in my thoughts. Have also been checking in to see if you had PM me...

I will definitely be thinking of you on the 15th.

FMN the thread for Eris is a lovely idea, hope i can pop in even though i have never lost my own child. I think the fact that i had my dd in Jan brought home to me how lucky i am to have her, i realised we must have been posting on our pre natal threads at the same time. Death stops you taking things for granted iyswim but sometimes we forget how precious life is.
You are right about keeping some support network for you going for after the funeral as that can sometimes be such a hard time as you have spent so long focusing on the funeral.
I often look back at Eris photo when i come on here and my heart aches for you. I think the fact that you come on here and talk about her is very brave and am glad you have found comfort in talking to others who know how you feel, it's cruel that so many people do.
Take care .

Just thought I'd pop by quickly and let you all know that you had my dp in tears last night!

I showed him this thread and lots of the wonderful messages you have all sent and we talked about how amazing it is that people who we've never met can be so caring.

He never used to understand why or how I could spend so much time on MN, but I think that he has a slightly better understanding now!

Lily, of course you would be welcome on an ongoing thread. You are so right about death stopping you taking things for granted......

Cece, thank you for thinking of me. I was in tears yesterday when we met with the minister just talking about the things he would say, etc, so how I'll be on Tuesday when we are there for real I don't know.

Shabster, I have just reread one of your posts and seen that you are going to be a gran soon! Wow! You don't "sound" old enough

FMN - just sending you more love and hugs. Eris really is so beautiful.

I can't keep away from this thread as your story is so similar to my friend's. Reading your thoughts makes me feel closer to what she is going through - sitting here in floods of tears. Her daughter's funeral is on Monday and she went back to see her yesterday with her DH.

I can't get her out of my head and hope I'm being the best support I can be without smothering her. Texting her often and calling her when she wants. Unfortunately she lives about 4 hours away from me so I can't just pop over to see her.

What would you like your friends to be doing, if you don't mind me asking?

Big hugs again to you all
xxx

FMN - Morning honey. Yes Im plenty old enough! I will be 52 in December!! We are experiencing the CIRCLE OF LIFE in my family!! Know this will sound crazy but I am so glad your DP was in tears - Men don't cry enough and it is a wonderful release. Give him a hug from me.

I will be with you in spirit on Tuesday - xxx

Fettle, to be honest I have wanted people in RL to leave me in peace. I have preferred text messages to phone calls cos then I know I am being thought of but I don't feel obliged to make small talk. It is hard because I want to talk about Eris but the actual physical act of talking about her makes me cry and it is hard to talk while crying. Where as I can "talk" about her virtually (like on here)and carry on typing even if I am crying IYSWIM.
It is hard, though, because everyone needs different things.

Shabster, will hug dp from you when he gets home from work..

Feedmenow, Eris is so very beautiful.

FMN you will get through Tuesday because you have to whichever way you can.
Am glad you are sharing this with dp and completely understand about finding it easier talking on here and not in rl.
Fettle by just being there for your friend and letting her know that will be a massive help. A lot of people don't know what to say and sometimes ignore things rather than face the awkwardness so giving her the opportunity to talk if she wants to is the best thing you can do.

So agree with you FMN. Real life sucks is rubbish at times isin't it?

FMN - just popping in to say I've been thinking of you today since your post on our board, and I hope that you and your family find some peace at the funeral on Tuesday. Your daughter is beautiful and I'm so pleased (that isn't the right phrase I know, sorry, but wasn't sure what to say) that you got to cuddle her again. Take care, HQ xx

Hello FMN, Shabster et al,

Thinking of you feedmenow and will be on Tuesday, although we are going away next week and I will not be on MN for a week. You will be in my heart and thoughts especially on Tuesday.

I'm so sorry you're in this club now as it's a club I would never wish anyone to join, even though the members are some of the best people you could ever wish to know.

Even now 9 years and two children later I always check on them in bed and sometimes idly think "I wonder if they might die too?" (God that sounds awful I know) but I think it is the side effect of a child dying. Like you say you know it happens to you and not just other people and I think sub-consciously your mind is trying to prepare itself in case it happens again (as if you could!). I always turn it around into a positive thought though, that we/I will never take life for granted again. You will never see life in the same casual way after you have been affected by the death of a child. It is so NOT the natural order of things.

Anyway I will check back in after I return and I hope you will keep us posted on how it is going with you all, especially after the funeral. Thinking of you, DP, DC and Eris {{{{{hugs}}}}}

FMN i see you hav been on Ceolas thread it is very admirable that you can help others whilst going through this yourself. I just thought that someone on there mentioned her sister getting casts done of her lo's hands and feet and thought i would mention it in case it's something you might want to do for Eris.

evening everyone its nice to see this thread still running ..I think its a lovely idea to keep it running.

There is sooo much support for each other on here its amazing.

Fmn I echo lilypoo about how brave and admirable it is that you are reaching out to help others when your own grief is so new and raw

Fraser would have been 4 on Tuesday.. this year I will be thinking of you and Eris too.

hugs

How precious is human soul and spirit? We can be in the depths of bereavment and sadness but still be able to reach out to each other. FMN we cant let this thread disappear. When you have a minute try to think of an appropriate title. It just has to have Eris' name in it. Eris' circle of life, Eris' circle of compassion, whatever you think.

Earlier on Friday evening I went outside for a cig - yes I know - disgusting habbit!! I wandered around my massive back yard looking at all the flowers in the pots. Nothing is yet blooming except......a massive tub of forget me nots! Two are already in full flower - maybe, indulge me here, my Matt and Gareth and the next one to flower will be for Eris.

We all need to stick together, to support each other over the weeks and months and years.

...and what do you want to bet that Eris' forget me not will bloom on Tuesday. I hope so

How lovely r/e forgetmenots Shabster.
Hope you muddling through FMN (((hugs)))

Only just seen this thread. Thinking of you and hoping that you get comfort from your family and all the lovely people on MN.

I am also a bereaved mum, having lost my DS when he was eight months old due to acute endocarditis (blocking of the heart valve), back in 1989. I still think of him often, especially on his birthday and on the anniversary of his death. He was my first child and I remember how difficult it was coming back from the hospital to a quiet house, with baby equipment and toys all over the place, but no child. I had also made friends with other mothers from my ante-natal classes and although they were well-meaning, seeing them with their children only reminded me of what I had lost, which was very hard to deal with.

I am still in touch with a few of those mums, I admit I did put on a brave face a lot of the time, but we muddled through - I am sure it must have been hard for my friends too, not knowing what to say, whether to mention it or not etc. Time is a good healer and it is still very early days for you, but with support you will get through this.

I went on to have two more children and was a nervous wreck for the first year of their lives wondering if they were going to make it past the 8 month goalpost.

Still, I hope it is of some comfort to you that you're not alone. While everyone's circumstances are different, there are many who have sad tales to tell and we are all here for you should you need to talk.

Sorry to waffle on.

DippyM - you speak so much truth in your post.

Time does heal - it makes the memories softer and somehow better. Do you find that it only takes one song, one scent, one tiny reason and the grief can still jump up and bite you on the bum?

So sorry for your loss.

Shabster - you're absolutely right, I still get tearful when a certain song comes on the radio - Back to Life - can't remember the name of the group though.

So sorry to hear of your losses too.

Someone mentioned a thread about bereaved mums, think that's an excellent idea.

dippy so for your loss the ladies on here have talked about a continuing thread to support one another think it would be very helpful for you all.

DM, thankyou for your post it meant a lot to me, i have lost my first ds and my husband Jack was born 26 weeks into my pregnancy in Dec 1994, he lived for two hours and was severely brain damaged so we made the decision to switch his life support and i held him till he died. I always think of him when i hear stay another day by east 17, in fact on his birthday last year it was playing when i switched the radio on and it was like Jack saying "its my birthday mum" my sister, best friend another friend and several ladies in our village were all expecting together and i only have to look at those children now to think what Jack would have been doing i never forget, first day at school, first day at high school every mothers day etc. My husband died in July 2001 and my second ds found him and couldnt wake him up, he was five then and is profoundly deaf this has had major implications on how he deals with death etc and we have had a lot of support from Winstons Wish. FMN i am thinking of you and praying for you. God Bless.

FMN - hope all goes well on Tuesday. My thoughts are with you and your family. After Tuesday, you may feel flat - this is normal but please remember we are here for you for however long you need us. I found it hard myself after the funeral as everyone else goes back to their normal routine and you are left with your memories. I decided to keep busy and so returned to work (I didn't have other children though) until I had DS2 and DD1.

Lottie, you have been through so much, I am so very sorry. I am here if you need to talk.