No funeral

[Fanacapan]

I have a relative who is in their last days, they are married to my sibling, who I am close to. I learned today that there will be no funeral and it has shaken me a bit. The body is to be ‘disposed of’ and there will be nothing to mark their passing. I know there will be friends and family who would want to pay their respects, share memories etc but this is their wish. I know we should respect that but I am struggling with it and worry there may be recriminations and regret later. Any thoughts?

How awful. Why have they come to this decision? It’s really horrible and I would hate that too OP

There's nothing stopping you organising a memorial to gather people together though if it helps.

We're all having direct cremations as well. Funerals give me the heebies and they're a ton cheaper, but marking the passing will still be happening

I know people who have done this. I agree it's hard on the relatives. You need to respect their decision though.

Their choice. Maybe it feels too much to deal with now.

There is nothing to stop you marking the death in a significant way for you, and nothing to stop some kind of memorial event being organised by your sibling in six months, a year, two years whenever they feel ready.

Direct Cremation.
Take your sibling’s lead in this

My friend’s brother just did this and a friend of my parents. Sometimes it’s financial as it’s only about £800.

I think you need to respect their decision... it's not about YOU, a close relative of mine chose this some time ago and it doesn't in any way diminish the happy memories of that person. Conversely I had to organise the funeral of another close relative fairly recently and it is a pretty grim thing to have to do when you are grieving... you don't get much time to organise it. Thankfully it was during Covid and it made for a good reason not to have a large 'occasion'.

My mum is going to have direct cremation when her time comes,but on orders to have a big piss up send off when we get the ashes back.

My grandfather, who probably doesn’t have long left, has arranged a direct cremation. He’s not remotely religious and wants the least fuss possible.

It will be strange not having a funeral but having been through my grandmothers recently, it will certainly help not have that period of being in limbo between dying and the funeral.

My mum wanted this, as she had had a lifetime of bereavement starting with the loss of her dad when she was six. She found funerals unbearable and she wanted to save me the pain of having a ceremony and a wake.

I did agonise over it and feared that people would judge me for following through on my mum's wishes. But my mum’s friends were old and far away and travelling in a time of rising Covid rates seemed irresponsible so I hid behind that excuse.

But ultimately on the day of the cremation I found a quiet place to reflect and pray and be in nature. That turned out to be enough for me, but ultimately if you need more then do organise a wake. Taking comfort from family and friends can be hugely beneficial at times of so much raw grief.

Lots of people now choosing direct cremation….my mums choice too when the time comes…..not really that awful…just different 🙄

Slightly different to a direct cremation which I think your loved one is to have, my DM donated her remains to medical science so therefore there was no funeral. I think about her every day as I know lots of other family members do. Neither me or DB have regretted not having a funeral service for her. You could plant a tree in their memory or visit a place special to them. The time for sharing memories etc often isn't the funeral. Everyone's often a little shell shocked for that at the time. That comes later when you are with the people dear to them and you. You could start a tradition of an annual picnic or meal out to remember them.

If the intention is for something called Direct Cremation (rather than “disposal”) then this is a process which is becoming popular & is less expensive. No cars, flowers, or anything else associated with a traditional funeral.

I believe the crematorium liaises with the Funeral Director and the cremation takes place “off peak” without anyone being present other than the crem’ staff. (I’ve not gone into the detail on my plan for a while.)

I suppose some families might have a memorial service and wake later but others may not. It’s down to personal choice. I can empathise with your concern and sadness OP but if it’s what the dying person has decided is right for them who is to argue? Quick, efficient, job done.

I think this is becoming a choice that a lot of people are now considering. Could you still have a wake for friends and family. If people are not religious and don’t want to spend a lot of money, then a direct cremation is something to consider. My FIL’s funeral cost over £5,500, nothing over the top, mid range coffin and 2 cars, he wasn’t religious and probably wouldn’t have wanted this much spent, but all his will said was cremation.

I find it really sad and awful. A funeral is for people to mourn the departed. It is horrible to me that someone would die and there was nothing to mark that they have ever lived. It’s empty and cold.

It's really not awful. Direct cremations are becoming increasingly popular.

I have chosen similar for myself when the time comes. However I don’t think my loved ones will stick to my wishes which I’m finding quite upsetting.

I've donated my body, once I'm done with it, to the nearest teaching hospital. Failing that (there are a lot of ifs buts and maybe in the procedure) I've said in my will that I want the least expensive, unfussy cremation possible. Probably straight to the crematorium from wherever I die.

My daughter (only child) and her partner know, as does my sister. My daughter's in full agreement, my sister, less so, but respects and understands my reasons.

My only other remaining family are a niece and nephew, their partners and two aunts. I havent, and don't intend to, let them know in advance.

I understand if the person's choices upset you, but in the end, it is their decision.

My partners mother is not having a funeral as she’s donating her body to a body farm. Which I think is great but my partner is a bit horrified!

I have told him I do not want a funeral. If a few people want to go down the pub then fine, but I don’t like the atmosphere at funerals.

you can have a memorial ceremony/celebration at another time

The time for sharing memories etc often isn't the funeral. Everyone's often a little shell shocked for that at the time. That comes later when you are with the people dear to them and you. You could start a tradition of an annual picnic or meal out to remember them

This, so much this.

Less stress, less expense, more conscious sharing of memories of the deceased.

I guess it depends whether you think funerals are a positive thing or not, there's no right or wrong answer. Personally I think they are hideous and would happily never go to a single one. I will definitely be opting for a direct cremation. DH knows my ashes are to be scattered somewhere cool of his choosing - or maybe in several different places.

That's the thing though, isn't it? Funerals aren't for the person that died, they're for those left behind to say goodbye, pay their respects or whatever.
OP, I'm with you. My late FIL had a direct cremation, my DH really struggled with processing it. Yes, you can organise something, but it's really not the same (IMO). Only thing you can really do, though.

Given the way you often have to wait a month or more for a funeral I can see how this feels like a better option.

you need to start thinking outside the box a bit more🙄