No funeral

[Fanacapan]

I have a relative who is in their last days, they are married to my sibling, who I am close to. I learned today that there will be no funeral and it has shaken me a bit. The body is to be ‘disposed of’ and there will be nothing to mark their passing. I know there will be friends and family who would want to pay their respects, share memories etc but this is their wish. I know we should respect that but I am struggling with it and worry there may be recriminations and regret later. Any thoughts?

I have this booked for my dear dad when he passes (he's 98). Why? Because his peers have all gone and I am an only child. The thought of sitting there at a funeral with my small nuclear family fills me with horror. In his heyday he was the life and soul, but sadly his life has shrunk with dementia and living so long.

We will have a celebratory dinner, talk about the good old days and then have his ashes interred with my mum's.

And more importantly, we mark his life now he is alive, always visiting and spending time with him. He knows how we feel about him - we don't need a 'ceremony' to show that.

more importantly, we mark his life now he is alive, always visiting and spending time with him. He knows how we feel about him - we don't need a 'ceremony' to show that.

I'm not religious, but amen to that.

There's nothing stopping you organising a memorial to gather people together though if it helps.

see for me this would defeat the object of having a direct cremation, it would then be expected that my family were to attend....

make your own way of saying goodbye

Just comes across as such a childish viewpoint. I don’t get it.

You do know I'm not particularly arsed if you get it or not, don't you?

It’s not awful if it’s what the person wants!! What’s awful is not respecting someone’s choice, which can be different from your own.

When I was younger I thought I’d be upset if my parents didn’t want a funeral. It felt like a massive two fingers up and rejection of the last thing I could do for them.

I don’t think I want a funeral now. I don’t like being the centre of attention and I wouldn’t want random people from work and the community showing up. If I said family only it would upset my close friends. If I said close friends only there might be people who felt slighted at not being considered close friends!

It's a very 'British' thing to do to feel awkward at thinking about yourself being the centre of (and purpose) of a celebration - which I wonder if the direct cremation companies are capitalising on.

I also agree that, whilst it's important to respect people's genuine wishes, the funeral is mainly for those left behind - so I personally wouldn't want to choose the funeral that I would want at the expense of what might be most meaningful and helpful for my loved ones.

Both excellent points. My dm mentioned this to me recently and I was surprised at how angry and upset I felt. She seemed to be coming at it from the perspective of not being a bother and I was instantly annoyed that she didn’t seem to think that a funeral wasn’t about a bother but about closure for those left behind. As it has been for human societies in all cultures since pre-history.

Obviously, if direct cremation is the strong preference of the person to be cremated, that’s one thing. But if primarily choosing it to make things easier for your close relatives, it would be kind to see how they feel and not decide for them.

I have a progressive neurological disorder that will take me before my time. So obviously I've organised and paid for my cremation (don't want my family to have to fanny about organising/paying for things when they are grieving) Well actually I'm donating my body to medical science. Hopefully that goes some way to helping them find a cure if there is one. Then after they've finished with my body there will be a direct cremation.

I've left money for an epic piss up and instructions for my ashes. All to be scattered in a specific lovely place. So if my family/ friends want to pay respects, they have a place to go to.

My family respect my wishes. They know I've always been a very practical person. This is what I want.

Exactly this, or standing at the grave side in the bloody cold just wishing it was over

I don't care to be honest, it won't matter to
me when I'm dead. I will leave a sufficient amount for a proper funeral and if people want to organise one they can, or a giant piss up instead. Totally my families choice. Hell, they can bury me in the garden if they want! I think it's a bit cruel to impose your wants on loved ones as a funeral is for them, not you.

If it's for financial reasons I can see why you would prefer to have it organised in advance though

Likewise?

A lot of people in the UK seem to have a really odd and disconnected attitude towards death and the rituals around it.

See, I think that still actually having rituals in this day and age is the odd thing. We aren’t living in the Stone Age any more, most people think religion is bollocks - I think we’ve moved on from “rituals”. Doesn’t mean I’m disconnected or don’t care about the deceased if I don’t fancy the idea of a formal gathering and a celebrant and someone saying some random words out loud.

I feel the same about weddings if that helps.

Humans haven’t really emotionally changed since the Stone Age though, have they? A celebrants words certainly wouldn’t be random either and words carry great meaning. Funeral’s don’t have to be religious at all.

I think it's difficult - British society is gradually transitioning away from religious ideas and rituals dominating everyday life, but not everybody is on board with that or feels ready to let certain aspects of it go. Personally I couldn't give a monkeys what happens to my body after death - I really don't care. I haven't instructed my loved ones to do nothing, though, because it won't be about me at that point, it will be about them and what is most comfortable/comforting for them. If my dad is still alive when I die, he would be appalled for there to be no funeral - it would really upset him. If nobody but DS1 is left, I imagine it will be an instant cremation job - he is as unsentimental as I am about death. DS2 would want a funeral, I think.

It's one of those tricky areas where nobody's inclination is the correct one, and people need to take a deep breath and listen to one another before making the most compassionate decision for everyone involved. Even "honouring the wishes of the deceased" is about making the bereaved feel better, really - and rightly so.

I will be going for direct cremation as will my family. I don't want anything religious involved and it is considerably cheaper. I saw what my grandmother paid for my grandfather's funeral and I don't want that kind of money spent on my funeral. I also don't like funerals in general and they have caused so many rows in my family.

If people want to do something I have told my partner they can get together and plant a tree or something or just have a few drinks.

Humans haven’t really emotionally changed since the Stone Age though, have they?

You speak for yourself.

Was that a question?

Do you think human emotions have changed? How?

I'm having a direct cremation...my family know my wishes. They can have a bit of a do if they want, but my body will not be there

It may be different if one has a religious faith, but I really like the idea that we all come from nothing & go back to nothing. It is neat, spare and unsentimental and it completely removes any pressure to "do something". I am one of 8 billion people on the planet so, when I die, it will be a completely insignificant event. I don't need it to be marked in any way and the idea that it's OK to have a direct cremation so long as there is some sort of gathering or memorial afterwards is a bit odd. We can remember a deceased person any time we like, in our own minds - we don't need the performance and show of doing it at a public event.

We followed my dads wishes and had a direct cremation for him.

I would do the same again because it's what he wanted BUT it has 100% made the grieving process much much harder for me and it's something I still think about very often.

It's not something I'd choose for this reason, but it is becoming more common.

‘…but I really like the idea that we all come from nothing & go back to nothing…’ this is the entire premise of a Catholic funeral mass with regard to the physical body. It’s repeated throughout the service as I imagine it is in other Christian services.

Yes I would imagine that would be terribly difficult xx

Planning my Mum’s funeral with toxic siblings is what’s made me think about direct cremation, it’s interesting isn’t it, all our experiences are so different.

@TheOriginalNutty can I ask- did you mark it in any way on the date?