No funeral

[Fanacapan]

I have a relative who is in their last days, they are married to my sibling, who I am close to. I learned today that there will be no funeral and it has shaken me a bit. The body is to be ‘disposed of’ and there will be nothing to mark their passing. I know there will be friends and family who would want to pay their respects, share memories etc but this is their wish. I know we should respect that but I am struggling with it and worry there may be recriminations and regret later. Any thoughts?

We did this for dh. Neither of us could ever have put the other through a funeral.

Id always assumed we’d go together so it wouldn’t be an issue.

I think it is awful. Direct cremation is one thing. Direct cremation and no event whatsoever to mark someone’s life is such an alien concept to me. I think it’s a very cold way of doing things. Humans have had ceremonies to mark the end of a person’s life for tens of thousands of years. It’s bizarre to me that so many people seem to think it’s not important.

One of my relatives did this. I was a bit unsure beforehand, but actually it was perfect. No fuss, just as she wanted, and our memories are all of her time alive, and not of a funeral.

I’ll have the same I think.

This happened to me. It was a very close relative who I loved dearly and the decision to have a funeral was taken completely out of my hands and I was powerless. I didn't have a memorial because I felt like I couldn't when I didn't have a body or ashes (prevented by a relative from having either) but I wish I had now. I may do something in the future. It also made it much harder to grieve. Thinking of you.

I’m going for direct cremation,
dont want any fuss. If it’s good enough for Bowie, it’s good enough for me :)

I'd find that difficult. Nobody likes funerals but I find them necessary as a way of marking the passing of someone and a comforting way to remember them fondly with others.

Without any kind of ceremony I think things would feel a bit unfinished.

What does your sibling feel about it? What they want is really just as important as the deceased as they will be grieving their partner.

I know a few who have done this, a couple close relatives.

I do get it. Funerals are often corporate and dreary and generally a bit crap.

But you can organise a lunch followed by a tree planting or whatever and remember them that way. There are plenty of options. It’s not really a problem.

Even basic funerals are so expensive these days. Maybe they can't afford thousands of pounds. When DP died the funeral cost over £3000 and that was without any cars and me providing the flowers.

Funerals are grim. I would rather have a memorial where you can remember the person who died or even a gathering of friends and family. My DD refused to attend DP's funeral because she had been so upset by her granny and grandpa's. She does have SN but I totally got her point.

Each to their own but I do understand why a funeral might be to expensive or traumatic for some people.

I had a direct relative do this (and one less direct one). I think it's really important to respect their wishes on this sort of thing, and not to put pressure on the surviving partner by going on about it being "terrible" or "upsetting" - I'm sure your sibling will have enough going on without also having to contend with the feelings of family members on top of losing their partner.

There shouldn't be recriminations or regrets - everyone can relax knowing it's what the person wanted. As PP have said, you can remember the person who died in your own way if you want to (I think organising a memorial is OTT and kind of going against their wishes). Friends and family wanting to pay their respects can do so in their own time and space, there's no need for a group gathering to do it - as said by PP funerals are for the living not the dead. Your memories and feelings about the person don't become more valid because of a funeral (which is just a huge corporate money making machine now).

@Fanacapan my mum had a direct cremation. We only found out this is what she wanted after she died.

she died suddenly and had just moved country. It was actually a blessing as we were struggling where to have the funeral, where she died where friends would have to travel or travel us to travel to where she spent most of her life.

It took the pressure off us. She got cremated week after she died. Family video called and remembered my mum on the time it happened. We will do a memorial with her ashes for friends when we feel ok.

it was a relief for us, as the last thing I wanted to do was plan a party after the shock of losing her. As soon as it got mentioned by my dad we all relaxed.

I'd love a direct cremation. I can't bear the thought of my autistic daughter being distraught at a funeral service. It would be far better for her to have a memorial / event when she can manage it.

I only heard of this quite recently but I love the concept tbh. I’d rather those who loved me put a bench or a tree somewhere in my name and gathered somewhere nice for a meal and to share memories without all the awful funeral stuff.

I'm having a direct cremation. I hate fuss and attention on me, so, as in life, I want the same after death. If my family want to organise a memorial (and I really hope they don't) then they can fork out for one. I am a very reserved shy person, plus I have a black & white attitude to death. I left the earth once my heart stopped beating and my brain stopped working...what remains is the leftovers. I'm not there anymore.

Can you organise a Wake for close family and friends?

or if that's too stressful, have your own private commemoration of your relative, maybe go to a local NT property and lay a small post of flowers under a tree for them and sit with their photo and remember them when they were in the prime of life.

that's what I would do, as I don't cope very well with funerals and prefer a personal tribute.

Sorry, that should say posy of flowers

My dad has dementia, I know it won't be too long before he passes. He always said he wants to be cremated, he's never been remotely religious. We plan to have a direct cremation and then take his ashes to be with his beloved mum in his home town about 150 miles away. My sister and I will have jewellery made from his ashes so he's always with us.
He never really wanted to move from his home town, but my mum did. She's moved on so it only feels right that we take him home.

This is what my DH and I have opted for. I loathe funerals - no sooner has everyone just started to come to terms with the emotional turmoil of the death than you have to go through a funeral and stir it all up again. I dislike pomp and ceremony at the best of times and certainly don't want a funeral. My family can have a party/wake if they want to, but filling the coffers of undertakers and florists isn't for me.

Parents in law have recently organised this for themselves, largely to save DH and I having to go through arranging a funeral and mourning in public with people we aren’t close to - they have a fairly fractured family and we don’t see most of them. It’s been done for lovely, caring reasons and after the initial shock, DH (only child) is grateful not to have to make decisions and deal with all the business in grief. I think it’s very practical and I am grateful to them, too. We will be able to remember them in our own way, with people of our choosing, at any given time, and all the time. I don’t think you need a public event to do that, and for some people the traditional funeral is not right.

My grandad had one last year, don't be so dramatic

We all got together as a family once we got his ashes back. We didn't need to mark that he ever lived though or have a funeral to mourn him ffs

So you did mark his death then because you all got together?

My late FIL had a direct cremation, my DH really struggled with processing it. Yes, you can organise something, but it's really not the same (IMO).

I think it's very important to respect what the deceased person wanted; but I'm not convinced that the direct cremation industry necessarily does its due diligence as to whether it is what their customers truly want, or whether they just see it as deal done and happily count the money. I highly, highly doubt - with this one-time purchase - that they would ever follow it up periodically to check that you haven't changed your mind.

I think that, as well as those who go into it with their eyes open and do definitely want it, there will be a lot of people who are swayed by the advertising, the idea of saving money (and leaving a bigger inheritance) and 'not wanting to be any fuss' - who might make a one-time decision that, were they able to fully consider the ramifications in retrospect, they might well not have chosen.

I think it's a shame, in a way, that it's obviously impossible to be able to make your own funeral plans at the time when you would theoretically be in the very best position to do so: after your death. It's a very 'British' thing to do to feel awkward at thinking about yourself being the centre of (and purpose) of a celebration - which I wonder if the direct cremation companies are capitalising on.

I also agree that, whilst it's important to respect people's genuine wishes, the funeral is mainly for those left behind - so I personally wouldn't want to choose the funeral that I would want at the expense of what might be most meaningful and helpful for my loved ones.

My mum had direct cremation as her family was widespread, mainly elderly and infirm. She thought of us all until the end.

We will not be able to get together for a mass mourning, or remembrance but will think of her and her thoughtfulness when planning our own.

I'm having a direct cremation. It's all paid for.

It will save dd the stress of organising a funeral and has cost a fraction of what a funeral would have cost.

I'm only likely to be survived by dd (and any future, hypothetical grandchildren).

She could choose to go somewhere for a bit of quiet reflection, go out for a meal with her family or friends and reminisce about me, get pissed or do absolutely nothing at all.

Whatever works best for her with no pressure of worrying about other people, what I would have wanted etc etc

Me, my mum and my sister and our children at my sisters house about 3/4 months after he died when the ashes came back to us

Probably the same as most people who have a family member who used direct cremation

I’m not having a funeral.
My children and Grandchildren will instead go for a week at my favourite holiday place, there will be money for meals and wine and ice cream, and time to look at the sea and see the sun rise and set.
I would rather the money was spent on life than death.