No funeral

[Fanacapan]

I have a relative who is in their last days, they are married to my sibling, who I am close to. I learned today that there will be no funeral and it has shaken me a bit. The body is to be ‘disposed of’ and there will be nothing to mark their passing. I know there will be friends and family who would want to pay their respects, share memories etc but this is their wish. I know we should respect that but I am struggling with it and worry there may be recriminations and regret later. Any thoughts?

Hi Op

I second that,

If I was in your situation , I would just have a formal or more informal memorial get together with family and close friends, Associates like ex work colleagues deceased worked with and obviously got on with,

You could just put a online local newspaper website and local newspaper ect

This memorial service get together would be like a funeral wake idea with either home made type catering food brought in, or have this funeral wake idea at a hotel or community hall or church hall ect...

I totally get how you feel and I would feel totally the. Same too,

Hold this funeral wake in a meaningful place /building that deceased loved one had a connection to ideally or have it somewhere and make it meaningful by having reciting poems, lightening a candle 🕯 if allowed , flowers 💐 put in venue, showing family photos album's to funeral wake guests ect...

My Granny always used to say to us as kids, ooo keep that Safeways box, you can use that to bury me in. She was completely practical about everything which is one of the finest gifts she could give me. No fuss and bother, when we're gone, whatever mark we've left on the world and our loved ones is 'in the bag' done and dusted.

That said I do have a hope that our spirit, or energy from our love will live on in some form or another, even if it's in my garden where I've planted lovely shrubs and trees.

I've long since stepped away from all the toxic pushy relatives wanting to do things their way, that's fine, over to you guys, I'm outa here're. Couldn't care less.

My mum would have been quite content to have a direct funeral and no fuss.

My personal belief is that the funeral is for the living. Their chance to say goodbye. We had a simple service for mum and I think her siblings and other family would have been quite upset if we hadn't. I was happy to do this for the wider family despite the extra costs etc. Everyone I would have expected to attend did so and it was a lovely goodbye for those who couldn't get to visit before the end. My children were very close to my mum and while my eldest daughter wanted to come to visit the body at the funeral home my other three children didn't want to do that. For my son, my eldest child, the funeral is what marked his final goodbye and it was the day he cried the most after her passing. For me, my brother and my eldest daughter we were able to stay reasonably stoic on the day of the funeral but had been a complete mess saying the final goodbye the day before at the chapel of rest. There is no right or wrong but I think the wider family do need some kind of marker to say their goodbye, whether at a funeral or a later gathering.

My lovely DH died in July and we both have/had arranged a Direct Cremation. The money saved I donated to a charity close to his heart. Homeless people.

My mum was the same, her ashes were scattered (she was cremated abroad as she lived on the other side of the world, and our family gathered and spoke about mum and some nice stories. I also gave everyone some bulbs of her favourite flowers to grow in their garden and think of her

My parents hate(d) funerals and would avoid going to them if they possibly could. My dad had a direct cremation and my mum has signed up for one. We did plant a tree for my dad though, which was nice.

I read an article about direct cremations on the BBC yesterday. Most of the people who opted for them wanted to save their children the pain of a funeral and the expense of one. Think it said a direct cremation was around 1.6k compared to 4.5k for a funeral. They also couldn’t view their loved ones body. When my dad died going to see him in the chapel of rest and preparing the funeral, reading the Eulogy, listening to stories of things my dad did at the wake, they all got me through. Funerals are for the living so I think people opting for them need to ensure their loved ones are content with the plans. A colleagues dad did it, she found it odd she couldn’t formally say goodbye

My Mum also wanted direct cremation, which we organised a few months back and are having a celebration of her life at the 6 month mark.

It seems to be getting more popular now, and due to restrictions it was often a practical choice during the pandemic.

She chose it years ago for various reasons - the environment, not wanting a religious ceremony, cost, not wanting us to go through the difficult arrangements straight away, more time to prepare for a gathering, and more freedom over the time of the event.

Some people found it hard to get their heads around ‘no funeral’ so we had to explain it many times. But people close friends and family weren’t at all surprised at her choice. Knowing how clearly she wanted this did get me through some wobbles when it became a reality. The staff at the crematorium were really lovely and I had a lot of liaison with them.

Also, although it was an ‘unattended’ cremation we could send cards, drawings, photos etc. People sent emails from abroad - all to go with Mum, so that helped us feel connected. The person assigned to our family offered to read out a message written by us siblings and we requested 3 pieces of music. This was all a welcome surprise and helped a lot.

Our personal message would usually be read by crematorium staff (who we wouldn’t have contact with), so we felt very honoured that it was read out by our liaison person - and she said she was happy to do it for us.

Another thing was that a couple of errors from the GP caused some delay in the paperwork but changing the provisional date wasn’t at all stressful. In fact it got delayed twice.

As previous posters have said, there’s no visiting a chapel of rest. But there could still be the possibility at hospital. Mum died at home and very close family who wanted to see her were able to, in person or remotely, but that was possible for as long as a chapel of rest.

Hope this helps explain more - we knew almost nothing a few months ago

*WASN'T possible as long as it would be at a chapel of rest