No funeral

[Fanacapan]

I have a relative who is in their last days, they are married to my sibling, who I am close to. I learned today that there will be no funeral and it has shaken me a bit. The body is to be ‘disposed of’ and there will be nothing to mark their passing. I know there will be friends and family who would want to pay their respects, share memories etc but this is their wish. I know we should respect that but I am struggling with it and worry there may be recriminations and regret later. Any thoughts?

There is absolutely nothing stopping you holding your own memorial. Nothing. The partner can come or not, they don't get to control a family coming together to mark a passing.

@gamerchick . I know you are right, but it feels very difficult and has split my family. They (partner) are not a nice person to say the very least.
We will do something of course, but it will be fragmented. Of course no one can take my memories , and in time I expect it will be easier 💐

However you are buried or cremated we all leave the world with nothing. I think direct cremation is depressing. That someone’s death is nothing.

It seems like we're in the minority here, but I agree with you. Each to their own, but to me, direct cremation seems like 'getting rid of' something rather than commemorating the final journey of a valued person. Maybe that's the point, to those who prefer it - that they feel they've already commemorated the person's life and now they are just getting rid of a now-useless body?

Jesus no, never thought of it as getting rid of a now useless body . Although whatever makes you you when you are alive no longer exists so I suppose in a way it could be a bit like that. Sounds a bit harsh though!

My father requested a direct cremation. We gave the money we would have spent on a regular service to small local animal charities. We are all having direct cremations. There's nothing to stop you having a gathering to mark the passing of your loved one.
I personally think the amount of money spent on funerals ( mainly for show ) is obscene

It's different not awful 🙄

That tickled me too 😂
Oh the drama!

Hugs

I think Barbara Cartland, who probably cared about her body more than most people, asked to be buried in a simple wicker coffin under a tree somewhere...

My mother chose this when my stepdad died. Cremation and the ashes returned to her and that was that. He wouldn't have wanted a funeral either. It wasn't a question of cost and it didn't in any way diminish his loss and how she and we felt about it. People are different. not everyone wants or needs a funeral to grieve.

I come from a culture where funerals are a big deal and an important part of life but I felt the relief of being able to process his death and all the stuff that went with it without having to put on a ceremony and have other people around.

I think it is awful. And yeah I do think it’s nihilistic and cold. A lot of people in the UK seem to have a really odd and disconnected attitude towards death and the rituals around it. I think it’s sad that someone dies and they are just cremated, their life isn’t marked and their families and friends have no opportunity to gather and remember them. Their loved ones have no opportunity to have the support of other people who knew and loved them in life. Each to their own 🤷‍♀️

Again, what's stopping people from gathering together and marking a passing. Why do they need to stare at a wooden box for a bit first?

My Grandad died recently and he had a Direct Cremation, my Nan too has arranged for the same.

I didn't know that this was even a thing until I asked about the funeral arrangements after he had passed. I have found it quite hard to get my head around and do feel sad that there's been no formal opportunity to celebrate the life of a 93yr old.

I understand the logic, no fuss, cost, etc but it's definitely not something I would want personally.

Hi OP, I'm a Celebrant and have led many funerals, cremations, memorials and celebrations of life (and happier ceremonies too of course).

If it helps, try not to think of the Direct Cremation as a 'disposal'. I can assure you that crematorium staff are just as respectful during a Direct Cremation as they are at any other service. They will take good care of the deceased and follow exactly the same rituals - bowing their heads as they approach the coffin, taking a reflective moment before the final moments etc.

I speak to many families following a bereavement and know how devastating it can be. I lost my own mum a few weeks ago. Emotions are understandably raw. As others have said, this method of direct cremation is becoming increasingly popular. Separate this into two distinct parts, with the cremation being one part, and a 'farewell' (wake/celebration of life/memorial etc) being the second part. Much like a wedding, you have two components, one is legal - the registration of the marriage - and then there is the celebratory aspect, which can be done anywhere!

You and your family (and whoever else) can have the second part ANYWHERE at ANY TIME - a Celebration of Life is beautiful. You don't need permission or approval either...and people can come or not, it's up to them. Some of my most memorable services have been just this...many are months after the actual legal cremation has taken place, some are on the same day. But all have been so much more than 'a funeral'.

Please do consider doing this, even if it's only for yourself and a few others who would like to mark the passing of your loved one. You don't need a Celebrant if you don't want one either (although obviously I'm biased) - if you have someone who is confident to lead it, ask them.

At the end of the day though, our own feelings need to be put 'on the shelf' for now and we always need to respect the wishes of the person who has died. We can take ours down off the shelf to explore and work through later.

Take care OP, I know how you must be feeling, and hope that you find your own peace during the coming weeks and months.

What a perfect response

Thank you for your responses, I am trying to get used to the idea. I understand the no fuss element but there are added complications - blended family, some undue influence, plus it is not in the UK. I think me and my immediate family will have some sort of small get together later on at home, I can’t just not mark their life in some way!

That's just bollocks

What an odd response. It’s this kind of idea of staring at a wooden box really makes me wonder about a lot of people.

What’s bollocks about it?

We had for various reasons, a direct cremation for FIL. He would have been happy with that,we weren't able to do what he had requested with his body for reasons beyond our control.
It felt a bit transactional at the time, but was very professionally and nicely dealt with. We were able to choose a location that was significant to him and opted for having his ashes scattered there too.
DH organised a walk and a meal for FIL friends and we attended as the only family he had. It was really lovely and a perfect send off.
The following year we visited the crematorium where his ashes are and were happy with the choices we'd made. It was a good spot, not mawkish or sentimental and I think he would have approved. I think when MIL passes we will do the same.
I think you can say your goodbyes without a traditional funeral.

Because that's essentially what your doing. Everyone sits and looks at a wooden box. While the dude at the front does his thing while you wait to be allowed to leave. People who you haven't seen in years just waiting for the pissup afterwards.

It's heebie territory and unnecessary. No way I want that shit for myself. They can skip that part and go straight for the pissup ta.

Why terrible? It's probably what the deceased wanted rather than the family. I'm quite tempted to do this myself, but ultimately I will leave it for the living to decide. If I felt more strongly about it I would make it very clear that it's my wish and I would like it respected. I don't feel that strongly. Yet.

When my dad died, I would have loved to dispense with the bits involving church and especially the coffin. It meant nothing to me nor my siblings and was just relentlessly sad. The best bit by far was the wake, where we remembered him and laughed and celebrated him.

There has been a massive increase in direct cremations over the last few years and it continues to gain popularity. Aside from being fuss-free, it saves families thousands.

I agree to some extent about the "wooden box" thing. I didn't really like it when my mum died last spring. It's odd knowing your relatives body is sitting there amongst you and you are literally staring at it because it's at the front and can't be avoided. I could have done without it in all honesty.

Funerals seem to bring out strong opinins though, so I expect others will disagree with me.

I suppose I'm just not one for ceremonies and would have happily eloped to get married. Wakes are great though. Not because of the food and drink, but because family and friends that you haven't seen for years get together and reminisce.

My aunt died last week and I am quite looking forward to the wake after the funeral. The funeral, not so much.