No funeral

[Fanacapan]

I have a relative who is in their last days, they are married to my sibling, who I am close to. I learned today that there will be no funeral and it has shaken me a bit. The body is to be ‘disposed of’ and there will be nothing to mark their passing. I know there will be friends and family who would want to pay their respects, share memories etc but this is their wish. I know we should respect that but I am struggling with it and worry there may be recriminations and regret later. Any thoughts?

Well it certainly wasn't worse for us than dragging ourselves though the funerals and wakes of other close family members

Most people try to respect the wishes of the dead, don’t they? I would find it really disturbing if any one related to me expressed a wish that they didn’t want any funeral or memorial of any kind. It’s nihilistic.

My Dad always wanted a direct cremation, owing to his belief that, “My brothers gave me nothing in life, I’m sure as hell not paying for them to eat sausage rolls & get pissed when I’m dead.”

He died after a short illness in May last year.

We did respect his wishes; there was much gnashing of teeth & moaning from some relatives (his brothers, although they came out of the woodwork sniffing for money), and my Mum went a bit mad at us (even though they’d been separated & divorced for 30 years) because he used to be involved in our church & thought he still wanted the full service with communion & the works.

Ultimately, it was his choice.

The funeral company told us his approximate time & date of cremation (about 2 or so weeks after he died) so we had a brief pause to sit in the garden & raise a glass to him, and 2 days later went to the crem to pick him up.

He now resides on my sister’s sideboard by the TV (his favour past time) and one day we may scatter him, but that’ll be for us, not for him (as he said, he’ll be dead, so won’t care what we do with him). He wasn’t born in the UK so we may visit his birthplace & scatter a bit, or in the North Sea between both of his homes. But there’s no rush.

He will always be in our hearts. Direct cremation was his choice. Would having a funeral have helped our grief? I don’t think so. The hurt is the same whether you’re having a quick 30 min service at the crematorium followed by a cold buffet or your relative is going to the crem directly. You’re still going to feel grief & loss whatever their final wishes.

Whatever you do, to anyone who doesn’t agree with the final arrangements, don’t make a huge thing out of it. It was our final act of love to respect his final wishes, our own preferences didn’t matter. But it sure as hell was a battle we really didn’t want to have to fight with relatives who couldn’t respect his decision whilst we were grieving & making arrangements. There simply wasn’t the headspace available to keep batting off the moaning bastards who couldn’t accept what we were doing.

Exactly. I can’t stop people celebrating/commiserating anything. I’m not N/C with anyone but it seems more common on here, but if I had a baby I couldn’t stop anyone from anyone having a drink/party to celebrate. Same if I died. Would love to be able to chose where I was laid to rest though. People can do whatever they want after that - I’ll be dead!

My parents both had direct funerals. So much easier to organise. They didn’t want to waste thousands of £s lining someone else’s pocket. I could never understand the concept of “paying your respects”. The dead don’t care.

I think they're a great idea. Personally I think the people who are all 'omg you can't do that' are the type of people who host 21st parties, 50th parties, huge weddings, wedding anniversary parties etc etc.

I can't think of anything worse. I've never had a 'big' birthday party. My wedding was small (40 people) and even that was too much in hindsight. I can't bear being centre of attention and having to speak to people I'm not all that concerned with.

I'm actually dreading the idea of having to go to either of my parents funerals, so really really hope they opt to do this. I would much rather remember them in my own way and my own time.

@jacult exactly! I'm sure a small get together to raise a glass isn't going to offend anyone.

nihilistic? Bloody hell 🙄

My plumber is now working in a parlour as well & said only last week that direct crema are very popular these days & will become more so.

Could you organise something like a wake later on?

@bellswithwhistles same. My father has just been diagnosed with pancreatic and oesophageal cancer so it is even more in my mind now, I know I would not cope at a funeral, I just wouldn't. I selfishly hope they chose direct cremation and I can celebrate them in my own way without strangers and acquaintances watching me cry

I think for every person saying “OMG how awful to not have a funeral for a loved one,” there is another person saying “OMG how awful I have to get through a funeral for a loved one.”

A family member used Pure Cremation after a horrific cancer battle, their wish was no funeral or fuss, something their partner also agreed on and will have too when the time comes. After death the body was taken away and they came back a few weeks later as ashes. The absolutely amazing benefit to all of this was no funeral had to be arranged or experienced which actually helped with the grieving process plus the cost was significantly lower than a funeral.

The nature of their cancer meant much of the grief had started to be processed months before death so I’m not sure how ideal it would if the death was sudden and unexpected.

I have a friend who had a funeral for her narc mother, only her and her DH went. Then continuously complained about the cost of it (her mother left her debt).
I didn’t say as it was too late but I don't think anyone told her she didn’t have to have one.

I'm a little undecided about this . I work for a charity that supports people with their grief . We are starting to see people come through who are struggling with the process of direct funerals. Many struggle with the absence of known rituals ... especially younger people.

It is their choice, all meet at a cafe, pub or whatever as a group if you wish but respect their choice

My sibling arranged this for my Mother. What I found particularly difficult was not even know the day, yet alone the time, of cremation. Her remains could have been cremated at any time in a 3 day 'window' 2 wks after death. I took more care over the remains of our dog.

My sister and I are having an unattended cremation for our Dad. We've spent the last 6 months watching his poor body and mind be ravaged by cancer and are so battered and bruised ourselves that we can't face any kind of funeral for him.

Thanks for the judgement.

My father always used to say that funerals were for the living not the dead and I agree with that.

My siblings and I found our parents' funerals very comforting and definitely wouldn't have wanted them to have direct cremations.

See I would love a direct cremation, leave the world as we entered it, with nothing at all. What's wrong with a bit of nihilism?

This is becoming increasingly popular. I think it’s a great idea if it’s what the dead person wished for.

I really like the idea of a direct cremation, no service, no mourners. Then the bereaved can have a memorial service if they choose.

The relative (who hasn't died yet) doesn't want a funeral or any memorial, but no harm can possibly come from the family having a meal together and raising a glass to the late relative.

Even though I don't know the person, I cannot imagine in a million years they would issue a diktat that states " under no circumstances shall the family get together after I'm gone". That's a ridiculous concept.

However you are buried or cremated we all leave the world with nothing. I think direct cremation is depressing. That someone’s death is nothing. As others have said a funeral is for the living. I thought the poster above was interesting who said they are receiving a lot of enquiries from people who have struggled with grief after a direct cremation. Rituals around death evolved to help the bereaved cope after a death, whether you are religious or not there is a value in that.

I have recently lost a sibling and they had a direct cremation. As my siblings partner was / is very controlling I have been left with an uncomfortable feeling that this is more about partners sibling than my siblings wishes, although of course there is no proof of that.
Sadly partner's sibling made it clear that no celebration or memorial should take place unless managed by them. So my sibling has gone and we have been left with no way to say goodbye or mark their passing.
I see the appeal and advantages of direct cremation, and I know funerals ( particularly the crematorium production line variety ) can feel grim. However as others have said humans have had ceremonies for thousands of years, because a way of saying goodbye and marking a life is important. Funerals at best are about love , memory , identity and life and are no less important than the celebrations and rituals we have or make to mark birth or marriage .
I think I would like the people left behind when I die to do what is best for them.

Why? Bereavement rituals are to comfort the bereaved. It makes no difference to the dead person, what you do. It’s the living who matter

That is lovely.