No funeral

[Fanacapan]

I have a relative who is in their last days, they are married to my sibling, who I am close to. I learned today that there will be no funeral and it has shaken me a bit. The body is to be ‘disposed of’ and there will be nothing to mark their passing. I know there will be friends and family who would want to pay their respects, share memories etc but this is their wish. I know we should respect that but I am struggling with it and worry there may be recriminations and regret later. Any thoughts?

It is completely normal. 20% of the population are now choosing direct cremations. Frankly, it is the choice of the individual and nobody else. I have specified a direct cremation, and no wake, ashes scattering etc. The thought of any public gathering to "remember" me is horrifying to me. I would prefer my friends to just crack on with their lives as normal - far more sensible. Please respect your family member's wishes.

But the OP says they aren’t planning to do anything at all. That’s what I said was awful and it is.

There were literally 5 people at my MIL's cremation, 3 adults and 2 kids. My MIL did not want a funeral at all.

She helped arrange her own memorial for spring, before she passed.

I come from a family where we don’t have funerals. I will be continuing this for myself and dh wants the same. My dc who are old enough to make the decision also agree.

We just don’t feel personally that a funeral is needed to ‘say goodbye’ or to remember the person. We have a belief system where we try always to not take anyone for granted so we spend time with those we love equally no matter if it’s an elderly relative who is Ill or a much younger family member in perfect health. We also feel that planning funerals are a distraction to grieving at a time when you need to focus on loss not planning something (obviously this is very much our way ms I fully understand why others choose to do this and why the majority of people have funerals). We obviously know the tone of cremation and give time to think about the person individually at that moment.

I know it’s not for everyone but it really really for us makes us live in the moment and spend time with those we love while they are here and not to take anyone for granted that they’ll be here tomorrow. Every goodbye is with a hug and really meant just in case and we make sure all the lovely things people say about loved ones is said to peoples faces when they are alive rather than at a funeral one day

Assuming these are the person dyings wishes that's what matters. Not for anyone else to decide whether it's right or wrong surely?

There's nothing stopping the op and siblings getting together at some point if they want. Don't families do that anyway?

We all went to my mums when he died anyway as she had been caring for him for years and was on her own, same as we get together at Christmas and birthdays etc

His friends didn't like that he didn't have a wake but it's not what he wanted so we didn't have one

@kitcat15 ”think outside the box” did make me laugh - sorry!

My mum had this. It’s becoming the new thing. I found it heartbreaking and when a friend died recently was devastated when his wife chose to do the same. I obviously respected her wishes but it isn’t the same as far as I’m concerned and I don’t think I could choose it for my loved ones 😢.

Organise something yourself if you want to mourn, or just do it privately. There are no rules. Sounds like you had a great relationship with that person so do something in your own that reminds you of them.

@SoAndSoSaidSo but direct cremations don’t allow ANYONE to be there: no goodbye with the coffin at all. It’s very different to a small send off.

One person I know who left their body to medical science and once they died their body wasn't wanted . I assume they knew this might be the case but we didn't and that was quite upsetting too.

All in all its a difficult time whatever the situation.

My Mum had cancer but didn't want to talk about death. My brother and Dad couldn't face sorting anything so I had to arrange the whole thing from start to end with, thankfully, a friend as the celebrant and two of Mums best mates. But I was ill 6 months later with a breakdown, or close to one, and I'm sure it was in some way related to the pressure as well as the loss.

I think if there's a direct cremation a small private memorial would be lovely. Act as a goodbye but without the pressure.

You think it's awful for someone to choose what happens to them after their death?

People can meet up and share their memories if they want, but if someone selects direct cremation that should be respected.

My Nanna has chosen this (mums mum) my Dad has chosen, so have his siblings as have DH and I.

DH and I have planned for this but with instructions to mark our passing in a way which is relevant to each of us.

The whole point here is the deceased doesn’t want that to happen.

Yes I think it’s awful that someone dies and there is nothing at all done in any even small way to mark their death. I am amazed so many people here don’t think that it is awful, but then I think death is dealt with very differently in most of Britain than it is here in Ireland.

I'm probably going to have the same thing done. It's cheapest and you don't have a drawn out sad time of staring at a wooden box. If people miss me, they can have a get together, but I'm not going to ask them to all come together and be upset on my behalf. I will have gone. It's those who are left that might need the support and not me.

Yes I think it’s awful that someone dies and there is nothing at all done in any even small way to mark their death. I am amazed so many people here don’t think that it is awful, but then I think death is dealt with very differently in most of Britain than it is here in Ireland.

A person choosing no funeral doesn't mean you can't 'mark' their death.

They don't want a funeral, that doesn't mean the sibling won't want to get together with close family at some point in the future.

We didn't plan anything until months after the death

It should be up to.the person who dies what they want and if they don't want something to mark their death then that should be respected

I think I would (selfishly) prefer this. I ugly cry very easily and find funerals absolutely horrendous and I cannot control myself. Also the days of waiting between the death and the funeral are torture, you can't start to grieve everything feels in limbo. There is always the option to have a 'send off' when the ashes come back which can be more of a celebration of life. I hope my parents will consider this as the thought of attending their funeral is too much to bear (bare? Sp?)

It's totally up to them though. I think I will want the same

I didn’t actually realise the deceased has chosen this. I thought it was family. For goodness sake, if you can’t decide what you want to do with your own body - what kind of world are we living in?!! You can have a memorial to yourselves, what’s stopping you? I think it’s actually lovely to be able to decide what you want to do with your own body when you die, like I decided how I wanted to birth my children. If people want to celebrate after then do it as that celebration is for you.

Of course it’s up to them. I just think it’s a very sad end to a life and much worse for those left behind than a funeral or memorial.

The OP says they don’t want to have anything done to mark their death though, at all.

@Eyerollcentral the deceased can hardly stop them tho can they...?!

Agree. I should be able to decide how my body goes to the earth and don’t want to dictate how others celebrate/mourn my passing. That is up to them not me. I didn’t realise I could do this, I would definitely choose this way now I know of it.