Trying to cope with late miscarriage at 18 weeks😪

[MomLostInTheClouds]

Hallo there,

I've been here for a while and read hundreds of similar stories like mine...
It helped me not to feel so alienated with my loss (never knew there's such a thing like late miscarriage!), but still - it hasn't soothed my pain.

I literally can't understand what had happened (it's raw, just 2.5 weeks ago, with burial on last Friday and follow up appointment with the consultant still to be scheduled after my bloods and placenta results come back; we didn't opt for PM).

I'm 39, have 2 healthy boys (thank God, they keep me sane!) and generally healthy. Before getting pregnant I had my bloods done too and everything (but low vitamin D which I supplemented) was fine. I used to be treated for hypothyroidism, but my TSH and whole thyroid profile came good too. I also lost some weight before (I have always been big, but managed to stay fit and did my zumba workouts religiously).

Got green light to get pregnant and couldn't believe it happened so fast. In a month we saw 2 lines! I was over the moon imagining a little dumpling joining our family, reorganised the rooms up to have space for nursery and dreamt of a newborn's smell...

Everything was like in the 2 previous pregnancies: intensive morning sickness up to 13th week, food aversions, fatigue, etc. The only thing different was yellowish discharge, but since I had no itching, burning or any other symptoms, I was told it is normal.

I was putting on weight, bump was becoming more visible and I could feel his first flutters. What a feeling!

Wednesday, 1st of June (International Children's Day)... things started to get weird.

I woke up very tired and in the night felt pain all over my tummy and found it hard to breathe - like pain in my lungs. Put it down to sleeping too long on the right side and getting bigger. Went to the toilet to find light pink discharge on my panties. Again, a bit puzzled, but when I wiped, there was nothing so again, tried not to worry and spent time with kiddos watching cartoons, playing, eating. Seemingly a normal day of a pregnant tired mommy...

Now I think that it wasn't normal as my gut feeling kept on telling me I haven't really felt baby flutters in a long time (put it down to feeling under the weather and being busy with kids). Then period like cramping started to creep in making me unable to stand. I also felt some pressure in my pelvis which was quite familiar from previous pregnancies, so again, went on with my day. By the evening, I was knackered and went early to sleep even though I wiped a lot of brown discharge during my last toilet visit.

2 am. Sharp abdominal pain and literally labor like contractions coming and going made me jump out of the bed, get dressed and grab my pregnancy file. I ran down to my husband to arrange going to the hospital. Just wanted to visit the toilet thinking it was a sudden bowel movement... but after sitting there for 2-3 minutes, no pushing... a baby and blood popped out of me. I could not believe it. Shaking I looked down and felt the umbilical cord and another gush of blood. Then I just remember my husband calling for ambulance and being rushed to the hospital with a paramedic holding my sleeping bundle of joy.

The reality hit me in the hospital bed. I was struggling to deliver my placenta when my little boy (perfect!) was brought to me in a tiny white basket covered with a crocheted blue blanket, and when they started to take his foot prints and our photos, and handed me a memory box. Holding this memory box and my wee boy on my chest shouted out loud to me that IT IS OVER!

Why?
Why... how?
So fast...?
With few warning signs?
In 1 day?
All over?
All my hopes, dreams...taken away.
Buried.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT DID I DO?!

Was it because I have a cat?
Did I get toxoplasmosis? (Was cleaning her litter box)
Was it that Mc Donald's meal I had few hours ago?
Or was it the last coffee? (I SHOULDN'T HAVE DRUNK COFFEE!)
Was it my age?
My weight?
Some other infection in the womb?
Placenta?

...

There are days I still feel pregnant.
I still rub my tummy.
I see my baby in front of my eyes and cry everyday.
I see his little coffin.
I see his little clothes (his first clothes for the hospital arrived just the day before! He was supposed to leave the hospital in them...Alive!)
And I don't know when I'll get over it.
Even if I should get over it.
When I laugh, I feel guilty.
But for my kids, I smile and wipe my tears on my sleeves so they don't see me down.
And I feel terrible to be wanting another baby, to even try to ttc again...
If I could, I'd love to be pregnant now...(?!)

Don't know how to cope, really.
The feeling that I should have gone to the hospital just to check, hunts me and produces 'what if' scenarios in my head.

Venting here...
Trying to calm down...while waiting for my results (and maybe some answers; hoping it won't be 'one of these bad luck cases').

Feeling 100kg lighter.

Anyone else going through this?

@Vie8126 oh my dear...it's absolutely crazy what you're going through and the results...it looks as if they were hiding them from you!

Well, I get your feelings about the gender...but it couldn't have been done differently at that time so the decent good-bye is all that mattered at that time.

It'll always be your baby, girl or boy...a baby...lost...and previous.

Well, read about parvovirus.
I was tested for it after loss too (negative) and indeed it can cause a miscarriage...so I wouldn't be so sure if it didn't contribute to your loss...

Defo get tested.
I had low progesterone and started bleeding before 6w. Thank god my private gyn prescribed and I got it just in the nick of time when I was already bleeding and sure I had another loss...

It prepares the uterus for pregnancy, calms it down. Its sudden dip can cause miscarriage in the first and second trimester.

Take some days to put it all together in your head and prepare some action plan before conception.

These thing are all so important and unfortunately we learnt about them the hard way.

@Monkhouse2022 wow...waiting game, here we go again!
Like always, fingers crossed and I'm glad you got your check up.

And yeah...until the baby isn't actually here, earthside, we can't expect anything (that's why my husband isn't putting the cot).

I'm also going for counselling and attend the Rainbow meetings and meet these Moms whose babies died at 40w, at birth, just after birth...tough stuff...

I live in constant fear ...
Uncertainty ...
Full of hope...
To see the Rainbow...

Sending 😍 love...

@Monkhouse2022 thank you - did you have them on nhs? I’ll ask my GP or Bereavement midwife I wonder if she can request them under my consultant as she did say about my age and leaving it too long.

@MomLostInTheClouds honestly you are our hope. Sending you all love

@Monkhouse2022 bereavement midwife said if I want them tests I need my gp to refer me to fertility consultant and as I have children already I will be bottom of the list and likely won’t get any testing for 18 months so she said either go private or wait it out. That’s that then.

@Vie8126 your bereavement midwife is really not helpful at all. I have had these tests several times early 40s and now offered in mid 40s even though I have ds done by my gp. Well blood tests taken by nurse but gp has approved.
Go to your gp and plead - there is no harm in trying.
You can go private but it will be into several 100 £… plus why should you go private when gp can do it.
Be firm and stand your ground, nhs are far too dismissive these days.

@Monkhouse2022 thank you I’ll try my GP I think next week I won’t phone Tuesday as I’ll never get through! Looking for an independent consultant to review our results re parvovirus positive and still waiting for my full file from hospital.

Hello mamas,

How was your Easter?

Busy? Guests? Travelling?
Kiddos driving you nuts? Lol...

Any news?
Results?
Updates?

I'm happy enjoying the spring and the reminder of pregnancy.

Crossed 30w.
Believe it or not, I've never dreamt of reaching this far.

Taking so many pills (now also iron, injections - blood thinners), but still smiling.

I'm considering preparing my hospital bag soon even though before I thought I wouldn't be able to do it...let's see...

Hugging you all and can't wait for your posts.

@MomLostInTheClouds Hello my lovely.
Easter has been busy with family staying over.

Unfortunately AF showed up today however I was spotting brown for 6 days prior and did a test - well using ovulation strip as no PT and it was blazing positive. However temp dropped drastically this morning hence AF today - what a head #%

I was certain we had caught the egg this time round and I reckon we did but Im thinking lost it due to low progeterone and thats why Im spotting prior to AF.
So upset :(

Its amazing you are over 30w the end is nearing, get that hospital bag ready!!!

@Vie8126 hows it going with you hun?

@Monkhouse2022 Oh good to hear from you!

Well, heck yeah, spotting before AF is a typical sign of low progesterone. Can you maybe get it from your GP?

I also had low progesterone, as you know it almost caused me to miscarry at 6w so it's so essential for the little bean to stick.

I still have to take it for less than 4 weeks (till 34w) and I'm another example that it does wonders.

Please, get it ASAP.

Oh Easter...
I'm so tired. Even though it was just us (poor you, having people around must have been challenging).

Kids at home and all these chores make me so knackered...I'd just stay in bed and sleep (being aneamic doesn't help either!).

I forgot that cooking ,shopping, cleaning, providing entertainment for kiddos is so tough at this stage...oh that 3rd trimester...

I feel like I'll pop out anytime soon 😖!

@Vie8126 yup, how are the things? How was your Easter? All kids were in?

@MomLostInTheClouds did you take progesterone before bfp.

@Monkhouse2022 nope, I started at 6w (my private gyn immediately prescribed it and checked my levels when I went to her crampy and spotting at 5w4d).

My consultant and GP didn't want to give me and even check my progesterone levels, remember?
They don't do much with early pregnancy...
They suspected short cervix, but mind you, in older ladies, the cervix gets shorter when progesterone levels get low.

Hey my lovelies @MomLostInTheClouds @Monkhouse2022 all ok ish here in 2ww. Bereavement midwife won’t run anymore bloods pointed me to my GP who also wasn’t really keen due to my age and the fact I have children already they could do them but any adverse results wouldn’t be treated so I can’t see the value in them. However I think we actually gave it a good shot this month. We dtd two days consecutively over fertile period so who knows.

@MomLostInTheClouds eek so close now!!!

@Monkhouse2022 horrible when you are certain you’ve done it and then bam AF rocks up.

we had a fairly busy ish Easter with family (half of it) this week ds has got a D&V bug hit dp last night so we’re stuck in all weekend the rain isn’t helping either!

@MomLostInTheClouds @Monkhouse2022 and then AF turns up even earlier than thought. Ladies I think this is it for me now menopause on the way

@Vie8126 its absolutely heart breaking when AF turns up. You try not to overthink it but your emotions just takes over. You are not in menopause stage yet as you are still getting AF so lets not lose hope!

@Monkhouse2022 I know but I’ve managed a 24 day cycle this month it’s just getting shorter and shorter!

how are you?

Hello hello😚
@Vie8126 I know it can be frustrating when you think it's your month, you did your best and still...AF arrives in town🙄...

Anyways, having AF is a good indication that you're not menopausal yet. 24 days isn't bad. My cycles also got shorter and some were between 24-26 days (with some exceptions of 28 days).

How about this month?
Have you dtd?

@Monkhouse2022 how about you?
Still actively trying? Waiting?

My thoughts are always with you guys.

*
As for me, don't ask...

There are already plans to evicit this little crotch goblin 😜and it's just a matter of few more weeks (4-5 or less!!).

Ladies, share your experience on c-section (how long was hospital stay, recovery, how did you manage the baby, scar, etc.)...

My bump is bruised from blood thinning injections and honestly after being pregnant for over a year, I can't wait to be myself, ditch the meds, and push this baby in the buggy!

Lol, some people like neighbours and friends understood just now...so I've been hiding it all well.

Hospital bag packed.
Baby's stuff packed too.
I thought I'll never find courage to do that, but here I am!

Keep me posted.😘
Sending baby dust.

Hi all,

Sorry I’ve not been back in a while it’s been madness round here lately with the kiddies picking up colds and then a sickness bug over the Easter holiday. I am thoroughly knackered all the time!

@MomLostInTheClouds wow so close for you now! How exciting!! I only have the one c section experience and that was with the twins. I was so worried about it, having had natural births previously I was very anxious about the recovery. The c section itself was wonderful so lovely and calm and it was so nice to be really truly present for my babies coming into the world, as I was always high on the gas and air for my natural births. We were wheeled to a recovery room afterwards and both babies latched on and got breastfeeding right away and the tea and toast afterwards was amazing too!! Babies were born at 11:21 and 11:23am we spent just the one night in hospital and I was home by the following evening. The recovery to be honest wasn’t as bad as I was expecting and to be honest the worst thing was getting up from lying down everything else was pretty manageable. I was also sterilised during the c section and was told I would have a slightly longer recovery and be a bit more tender because of the extra poking around. I would say the first couple of weeks were tough with being a bit sore but after that I would say I was fine and pretty much back to feeling myself. Everyone recovers at different speeds so don’t push yourself too hard and just make sure you take it easy and rest while you can.

@Vie8126 and @Monkhouse2022 sending hugs and baby dust your way. As I think I’ve mentioned before I’ve been Peri menopausal for at least 3/4 years and obviously during that time had my angel and then my twins. If cycles are shorter I think if I remember correctly it can have something to do with affecting the LH levels and ovulation as LH is what triggers ovulation. This is something you can get tested for by blood test, they are widely available privately if he’s something your GP won’t do. Apparently some supplement called Chasterberry can help increase LH. Anyway I though I would mention it case it’s useful or helpful for you guys.

@MomLostInTheClouds I’ve only had one c-section experience with my first as an emergency some 23 years ago this year 🤣 things have changed somewhat since then but my recovery was fine I was kept in for a week but I think it’s 24 hrs these days! @Lillygolightly has some good advice for you. The other have all been vaginal deliveries!

I will check out your recommendation and investigate it’s great to hear a positive story. Dp is more what will be will be so no chance of convincing him of anything private.

@MomLostInTheClouds Oh my days the end is near woo hoo! So happy for you!
I had my ds via c section in 2019, it was an emergency c-section he arrived 5 weeks early but did not have to go NICU. He was fine. However I lost alot of blood so was kept in for a few days.
It took 6 weeks for me to really start moving around with baby. The pain was awful esp when trying to get out of bed. Dp was (and still is) great help & support. Scar healed very well but was very itchy for a while and does itch from time to time.

@Vie8126 you really need blood test to look at your fertility / hormonal levels ie fsh, lh, thyroid, estregen - this will give some indication re your cycle. Is your lutuel phase between 10-14 days if so that is a good thing.

I recently had my Day 2 Blood Test to check fsh, lh etc. Only one of concern was fsh which was showing 12.9 during follicular phase and needs to be below 8 so which is of concern to me.

I have scan coming up due to my mid cycle spotting via the cancer clinic so my anxiety is through the roof.

@Lillygolightly hello my lovely, nice to hear from you again! You too give me hope there is still a chance for my rainbow baby.

Hello mamas,

Wow, thank you for sharing your experience. @Lillygolightly you came home so fast! Unbelievable, NHS mentions 4 day stay after c-section!
@Monkhouse2022 wow, I'm happy to hear your ds didn't need NICU, arriving at 35w. I feel I won't make it much longer. Terrible pressure and pelvic pain remind me that time is coming, and at this point I'm days away from having my girl (28-35 days! Or who knows if not earlier? Yesterday night I was sure this pain will finish in giving birth lol...).

BTW, is there a way to fix your fsh?
How's trying this month?
Dtd?
Waiting?

@Vie8126 lol you had them all deliveries. Strong 💪 woman!
Yeah, I hope I'd be the one to recover in 24h😏even though I'm 40 in September...

How about your month?
Where you're at?
Your dp sounds a lot like my hub did, but I "forced him" to dtd many times and he now reminds me..."like first she wanted it so bad, and now constantly pushing me away!"😜

This pregnancy definitely put us apart.
No intimacy did more harm than good...
We have silent days now...
Both in disbelief of what is potentially coming I things go right...😶

We were so busy waiting for the loss that we...forgot that we're waiting for a baby!!!!!

My boys are more than excited.
Get kicked by our strong girl, and poor she, she gets so active when they shout and argue...yeah, she'd better get used to.

Sending love and baby dust...incessantly!

@MomLostInTheClouds my dd came after two boys she’s a tough little cookie so I’m sure you dd will be too! Not long now my love xx

ladies I’m sick - I have mumps of all things!!

anyway I got my file from the hospital it says they lost my urine sample that they sent off to the lab they dipped it said infection which would likely need ABs and someone would contact me. It says that when I presented after being told no HB at private scan I mentioned uti and they’ve written ‘msu sent to lab was lost!! See results attached from dip in clinic!! Antibiotics needed!!‘ there is also a page re the placenta which says was immature for gestation, cord showed fusisitus and placenta had stromal degenerative signs. I have done some digging and I think the fusisitus or however you spell it is from infection I’m not sure anyone know? I just want someone impartial ie not from my hospital who knows what they are talking about to translate it all for me tbh!

midwife called the same day to give me consultant go ahead to ttc and said plan would be progesterone twice a day from positive test until 24 weeks and aspirin until 30 something weeks.

anyway that’s my update.

@Monkhouse2022 how are you?

@Vie8126 oh my days you really do need someone to interpet the details to make sense. Its ridiculous!!!
At least midwife has been of some (little) use and you know what to do when you get that bfp.

i guess for both of us is when are we going to get our bfp, our rainbow baby.

@MomLostInTheClouds I’m filled with excitement for you, not long to go hang in there.

As for me I tend to ovulate around CD15 and temp too but this month I ovulated yesterday CD12 so only managed to dtd last night just the once, hoping to squeeze in another tonight - not very hopeful think I might have missed it but at same time no rise in bbt so could be an annovulatory month, just my luck. Everytime AF shows up I feel the pain of my loss my baby girl. She would be almost 6 months. So sad I feel stuck in a vicious circle.

@Monkhouse2022 funisitus is what I mean Jesus I can’t think! I blame the mumps…

what opks do you use? I’m tempted to get some….I used to use clearblue ones but they are expensive but are they worth it? I haven’t bothered with them so far but feel the need to.

our baby would have been 6 months I still can’t get over the change in sex. I have a friend whose a hospital geek and knows all terminology unfortunately from her own loses she seems convinced from reading he report it’s a cause of an untreated uti - who knows and what’s the point of trying to ask them they’ll only say no ‘just one of them things’ I just don’t see the loss of life as one of them things and that’s the hardest.

wishing you lots of luck this month I’ve just finished af but will be a wasted month due to being ill dp doesn’t want to come near me so I’m three days away from ovulated according to Flo but unlikely to dtd for weeks yet I could offer to wear a covid mask I guess….🤣

@Vie8126 hope you have a speedy recovery - yes put your mask on and get going dtd lol!

I use clear blue digital alongside the cheap one step. Though cb are crazily expensive so when I run out will stick with cheap ones. I conceived my baby using only cheap ones.
clearblue are good when it gives you high then peak but for this month I had no highs, just a circle then next day straight onto peak.
Aah @MomLostInTheClouds at least no more opks for you!!!

Hello beauties,

Just checking on you.

What's going on?

Any news?
Progress?

😊I'm "enjoying" the last weeks of pregnancy...heartburn, reflux, pains and aches, swollen legs, cramps.

I'm almost full term!
I must say I thank god every day.
After a late miscarriage my brain encoded it can never happen.

Planning induction at 38w with my consultant, which will be at the beginning of June...(we were supposed to opt for c-section, but weighing all the risks, we want to go for induction first).

Hope she won't decide to surprise us earlier.🤔

And how's the long weekend?
Are you home or chilling somewhere to celebrate coronation?