Trying to cope with late miscarriage at 18 weeks😪

[MomLostInTheClouds]

Hallo there,

I've been here for a while and read hundreds of similar stories like mine...
It helped me not to feel so alienated with my loss (never knew there's such a thing like late miscarriage!), but still - it hasn't soothed my pain.

I literally can't understand what had happened (it's raw, just 2.5 weeks ago, with burial on last Friday and follow up appointment with the consultant still to be scheduled after my bloods and placenta results come back; we didn't opt for PM).

I'm 39, have 2 healthy boys (thank God, they keep me sane!) and generally healthy. Before getting pregnant I had my bloods done too and everything (but low vitamin D which I supplemented) was fine. I used to be treated for hypothyroidism, but my TSH and whole thyroid profile came good too. I also lost some weight before (I have always been big, but managed to stay fit and did my zumba workouts religiously).

Got green light to get pregnant and couldn't believe it happened so fast. In a month we saw 2 lines! I was over the moon imagining a little dumpling joining our family, reorganised the rooms up to have space for nursery and dreamt of a newborn's smell...

Everything was like in the 2 previous pregnancies: intensive morning sickness up to 13th week, food aversions, fatigue, etc. The only thing different was yellowish discharge, but since I had no itching, burning or any other symptoms, I was told it is normal.

I was putting on weight, bump was becoming more visible and I could feel his first flutters. What a feeling!

Wednesday, 1st of June (International Children's Day)... things started to get weird.

I woke up very tired and in the night felt pain all over my tummy and found it hard to breathe - like pain in my lungs. Put it down to sleeping too long on the right side and getting bigger. Went to the toilet to find light pink discharge on my panties. Again, a bit puzzled, but when I wiped, there was nothing so again, tried not to worry and spent time with kiddos watching cartoons, playing, eating. Seemingly a normal day of a pregnant tired mommy...

Now I think that it wasn't normal as my gut feeling kept on telling me I haven't really felt baby flutters in a long time (put it down to feeling under the weather and being busy with kids). Then period like cramping started to creep in making me unable to stand. I also felt some pressure in my pelvis which was quite familiar from previous pregnancies, so again, went on with my day. By the evening, I was knackered and went early to sleep even though I wiped a lot of brown discharge during my last toilet visit.

2 am. Sharp abdominal pain and literally labor like contractions coming and going made me jump out of the bed, get dressed and grab my pregnancy file. I ran down to my husband to arrange going to the hospital. Just wanted to visit the toilet thinking it was a sudden bowel movement... but after sitting there for 2-3 minutes, no pushing... a baby and blood popped out of me. I could not believe it. Shaking I looked down and felt the umbilical cord and another gush of blood. Then I just remember my husband calling for ambulance and being rushed to the hospital with a paramedic holding my sleeping bundle of joy.

The reality hit me in the hospital bed. I was struggling to deliver my placenta when my little boy (perfect!) was brought to me in a tiny white basket covered with a crocheted blue blanket, and when they started to take his foot prints and our photos, and handed me a memory box. Holding this memory box and my wee boy on my chest shouted out loud to me that IT IS OVER!

Why?
Why... how?
So fast...?
With few warning signs?
In 1 day?
All over?
All my hopes, dreams...taken away.
Buried.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT DID I DO?!

Was it because I have a cat?
Did I get toxoplasmosis? (Was cleaning her litter box)
Was it that Mc Donald's meal I had few hours ago?
Or was it the last coffee? (I SHOULDN'T HAVE DRUNK COFFEE!)
Was it my age?
My weight?
Some other infection in the womb?
Placenta?

...

There are days I still feel pregnant.
I still rub my tummy.
I see my baby in front of my eyes and cry everyday.
I see his little coffin.
I see his little clothes (his first clothes for the hospital arrived just the day before! He was supposed to leave the hospital in them...Alive!)
And I don't know when I'll get over it.
Even if I should get over it.
When I laugh, I feel guilty.
But for my kids, I smile and wipe my tears on my sleeves so they don't see me down.
And I feel terrible to be wanting another baby, to even try to ttc again...
If I could, I'd love to be pregnant now...(?!)

Don't know how to cope, really.
The feeling that I should have gone to the hospital just to check, hunts me and produces 'what if' scenarios in my head.

Venting here...
Trying to calm down...while waiting for my results (and maybe some answers; hoping it won't be 'one of these bad luck cases').

Feeling 100kg lighter.

Anyone else going through this?

Hello, hello?

Busy mamas?

Where are you?

Lost in Asda searching for cheapest opks?

Give a sign of life...

My days are dragging now...😣

@MomLostInTheClouds hello hello still here. My spotting for a week before AF arrives is driving me nuts. Have consultation app nxt month.
My progesterone levels at day 21 this month was 45 which meant I ovulated and I really thought we were in with a chance till my spotting began. Even though progesterone indicating ovulation I think I must have low progesterone hence the spotting so egg is not able to implant properly. I am going crazy no sign of BFP nxt month is when I gave birth to my angel.

Wow, wow is all I can to you my lovely. You have come so far. I wish I was pregnant too.
Not long to go, you are doing so well!!!!

@Vie8126 I hope all is well with you?

Oh @Monkhouse2022 @Vie8126 I am wishing so hard for those BFP sticky beans to come to you both very very soon.

@MomLostInTheClouds how are your final weeks going? You all packed and ready?

My twins are now walking, it’s utter madness and complete chaos so I don’t get as much time to check in here as I would like. They are doing great though, and I honestly still pinch myself and some days I am still like OMG there is 2 of them 🙈

@Monkhouse2022 @Lillygolightly so good to see you here.

@Monkhouse2022 Oh no...it's so irritating to know you ovulated, but then have spotting...it's a tell-tale sign of low progesterone. Definitely ask for it (if issues, I have 4 packages left, 1 month supply).

I'm also hoping for you and @Vie8126 every month to get there and send us this BFP!

You also gave birth to your angel baby in June? My boy was born on the 2nd. This rainbow 🌈 is coming soon after him...so it's bittersweet...

@Lillygolightly oh my goodness...that crawling and walking stage...with one you're like a fly and have eyes around your head and what about 2?!
You're amazing mama!
It's sheer pleasure to watch them grow and develop.😍

And yeah, I'm all ready...absolutely ready.
2 bags packed...
Mentally prepared for anything as I left progesterone...
My sugar got so high again so I'm still without the date and plan...it was supposed to be induction at 38w, but today my diabetes midwife called me and told me I need to get insulin, induction can be risky so I'm back to square one.
Will see my consultant soon to decide...

@Vie8126 mumps or measles or noravirus didn't get you there? And you're just super busy...
Where are you at this month?
Got cb opks?

@MomLostInTheClouds @Monkhouse2022 @Lillygolightly im here! Healthy for once!

So we’ve been umming and ahhing about moving and finally in a position to do so mortgage in principle underway house almost ready to market yay good things! However dp has said this categorically means no baby we can’t afford two sets of nursery fees with CoL interest rates etc our mortgage is coming off it’s fixed rate and shooting up so makes sense to make move now as if we’re gonna pay double May as well be somewhere we want to live!

babys ‘birth’ date was last week. Felt flat, confused, angry. Had plans for a nice day but had a manic day at work which saw me working until long after the nursery pick up. Dp was also working nights that week so that was that.

@MomLostInTheClouds so close to the end eeek I’m so excited!!

@Lillygolightly oh my goodness double trouble on the move!

@Monkhouse2022 thinking of you no advice as have no clue about progesterone but @MomLostInTheClouds has some good advice for you to take forward!

Hey @Vie8126 how are you feeling about that decision? I would imagine it’s not an easy one to contemplate, are you ok?

I’m glad you’re feeling better physically though and I don’t mean to poke my nose in with the above but I wanted to ask in case you wanted to talk. Xx

@Lillygolightly I feel meh half of me knows he is right the other half think well he doesn’t mean it…it’s been a year now and we haven’t fallen pregnant. Deep down I don’t see it happening. I have to suck it up and accept it. It’s not easy and I’m very much one to bury everything and be ‘oh it’s fine’ when it’s not!

Hi my lovlies!😚

Long time not see.

What's going on there?

@Monkhouse2022 are you in the waiting period or AF arrived?

@Vie8126 so this is it? Oh dear... are you all OK with it now?

@Lillygolightly are you resting and sitting there sometimes?

Uffff...
I'm a 🐳 whale...
Absolutely ready to pop.

My induction is in 2 weeks...
I'm excited as scared as can be.

Please, send your prayers and good vibes.
Let it be the Rainbow 🌈...

@MomLostInTheClouds hello my lovely.. how time has flown, 2 weeks time hey! I pray it all goes well for you x

I’m in Marbella though my fertile window was a few days before flying out so am
in 2ww. Going to try progesterone pessaries frm tonight 4dpo to see if that stops the pre-af spotting which arrives 8 days before I’m due with spotting sometimes being bright red fresh blood.

keep us posted.

@Lillygolightly @Vie8126 hope you two are well? X

@MomLostInTheClouds look at your right at the end!! Eeek. How exciting.

Unfortunately I have other fish to fry now I can’t say much as outing but had some terribly bad news at the end of a very long legal battle which has not gone as expected. The aftermath was explosive for me and dp and right now I don’t know how much longer I can sit in the same room as him never mind anything else ok the back of what his said (in anger but yeah words cut!) never mind anything else .

sending you, @Monkhouse2022 and @Lillygolightly lots of love.

@Vie8126 I hope & pray you have the strength to ride out whatever you are going through. Remember we are here for you to shout, rant, listen - anything.
Big hug x

So good to hear from you.
Yay, 2ww @Monkhouse2022 ...there's hope!
I'm happy you're having some time off.
Tell us of progesterone is working.
For me, it's done wonders!

@Vie8126 oh dear...there's never a smooth ride, is there? Always something must be going on... Yeah, remember,.we're here to listen.

Myself I'm enjoying the sunshine and laziness in the garden...
Sweet days.
Half-term break gives us time to clean the house before our little princess arrives.
My 2 little helpers are amazing 😋.

Take care there!
😎

@MomLostInTheClouds @Monkhouse2022 I think being told he does and always will hold me accountable for the loss of our baby has finished us along with he doesn’t love me and never has. It’s been a rough ride. I can’t bare him atm. Everyone’s like time heals - does it? He said oh it was a row but feel like never a truer word said. A year this BH weekend since our little ones funeral. My MH is shot to pieces.

@Monkhouse2022 giod luck in tww @MomLostInTheClouds do you have a date for induction? Can’t believe she’s nearly here!!!

@MomLostInTheClouds is she here?

@MomLostInTheClouds hoping you and baby are safe and well 💖

Oh ladies...
I believe in telepathy...!😚

I've had my induction on 11.06.and @Lillygolightly she was born at 11.51pm (and you posted at 11.52!) while you @Vie8126 posted around the time I got a call to come for induction!
@Monkhouse2022 I've been thinking about you too...

It was fast and furious...
From the moment I got my oxytocin drip (was already dialted and she was engaged) to labor (oh I felt the ring of fire this time around!) banging 2h20min...

My midwife was amazing...
Calm, sweet and supportive...
Cannot thank her enough.

Lol, I was asking for epidural, but before they came midwife checked me and her head was already there!!!!

So I made it on gas and air...

We're still in the hospital.
They're monitoring our sugar, her feeding.

I'm in such a bliss...that can't do anything, but stare at her...

That's all for now...😌
Must rest...

Love you.

@MomLostInTheClouds oh such wonderful news, gorgeous! So happy it all went well and you are both doing fine. What a journey hey. Enjoy my lovely.

Nothing to report from my end progesterone delayed spotting by 4 days but still spotted 4 days before AF which started so onto next month and may up my progesterone dosage. I either carry on trying or give up.

@Lillygolightly @Vie8126 hope you ladies are well & enjoying the weather?

@Vie8126 hope things at home has improved?

@MomLostInTheClouds congratulations what a beauty!!! I had the drip with my last ds it sure is mighty powerful! He was here quickly too. How much does she weigh she looks like a teeny dot! I hope you get some well earned rest. Bet her big brothers can’t wait to meet her. Such joy for you all.

@Monkhouse2022 sorry to hear your update what do you want to do? Will you keep trying?

@Lillygolightly how are your gorge twins doing?

as for me, I think the foundations of our relationship are forever changed with dps behaviour. What’s that saying you can forgive but never forget…I don’t know. We’re going through the motions at present but we did have some time apart. I couldn’t bare to even look at him. My mental health is not great over the things he said. Some days I still can’t even look at him. I am going to call gp later this week as my actual periods are just a matter of days I think I’m having some other menopause symptoms or it maybe is just stress. Ttc has been off the cards for a long time so I’m fully out of that journey.

@MomLostInTheClouds oh my gosh, she’s beautiful!!! Huge huge congratulations to you!!!

Your induction experience sounds very similar to mine with my now 5 year old DD. That drip is powerful isn’t it, felt almost like one long contraction! I also asked (screamed 😳) for an epidural right before she came. Apparently according to the DH the midwife smiled and said ok to me, but then looked at him and shook her head and then not long after she was born and all was forgotten, though I did apologise to the poor midwife for screaming at her.

I hope you are recovering well and enjoying all those squishy cuddles. I can’t wait to hear more about how you are all doing.

@Monkhouse2022 I would say it’s definitely worth upping the progesterone dosage and seeing what happens.

@Vie8126 I am so sorry to hear that things are still difficult, I am so sorry about your Dps behaviour and the things he said which must have hurt you so deeply. It’s awful when the those words float back to you repeatedly even when you don’t want them too. Some things just cannot be unsaid. Sending hugs xxx

As for me and the twins, well as I’ve mentioned before I think I was Peri before falling pregnant and I am certainly peri now. I have an appointment for bloods next Wednesday as I am constantly fatigued as my motivation to do anything is zapped because I’m just so exhausted all the time. I told myself for a while it was to be expected with baby twins and 3 other children I am bound to be tired, but the twins have been reliably sleeping through for a good few months and I feel no better. I am not sure if it’s peri or if it’s thyroid related but I am hoping the bloods with shed light on whatever it is so I can do something about it and hopefully feel better.

The twins are hating this heat, it’s so muggy and humid they are very cranky at the moment. They are both pooping for England at the mo (sorry TMI) not sure if they have a bug or if it’s just the heat, but whatever it is I’m hoping they get over it soon as I hate seeing them upset and not being able to make it better.

Oh mamas, thank you for your congratulations and kind words.

Yes, she's teeny tiny 2.7kg (coz of my meds there was slight growth restriction).
Yet, she's amazing...

I can't take my eyes and hands off her.

I'm enjoying every second of motherhood.
Thinking of last June, I was in pain, not believing I'd have a baby ever again, and this June...such a bliss...

@Monkhouse2022 definitely try progesterone, it sounds like there might be issues with it.
Please, read about berberine- it improves fertility. I was taking it before conception. And don't give up...
Trust me, it's all worth it.

@Vie8126 indeed heartbreaking that this is it...and that dp's words took a toll on your relationship...yeah, some words can't be unsaid.
I also keep so many things my hub said to me this pregnancy...

@Lillygolightly yeah, mighty drip 😂...
Thank you, I'm recovering well...
Already forgot all the stress and pains of pregnancy, went for first walk.

Please, post what's going on.
Sometimes I'm busy, but thinking of you.😘

Ladies this exact day last year was the day I gave birth to my little angel and lost her. My heart aches for her. This pain I feel consumes me. I can recall every little detail of the traumatic experience. I am a changed woman for the worse. I am still waiting for solicitor to confirm next step with my case. I can and never will forgive the hospital for purposely not saving my healthy daughter’s life. They are a disgrace. I physically feel sick thinking about all the basic missed opportunities by the medical professionals.
I am merely a statistic for them :(

@Monkhouse2022 we're here to listen...

I'm so so so sorry it still hurts so bad.
And I wish I could say something smart to take some of your pain away.

It's a difficult date in our calendar and we're full of "what ifs".....

It was just today that I stared at my angel baby boy and asked myself why he isn't here...earthside...

Tell me, have you sorted out taking progesterone?
Still bleeding before periods?

Hope you're in the waiting stage and dtd?

And to hell with them...for them you might be statistics, but for us you're a mom...
And if you have strength to fight, of course, go for it and it might help your healing process to get some justice.

Keep us posted dear.😌

@Vie8126 How's life?
What's the focus for you now?
Are you going for that summer festival?
Holiday plans?
And how's DP?

Me and hub just argue...
I can't stand him...
He irritates me so bad...postpartum hormones? Or maybe a total burn out?

@Lillygolightly lol, twins must make you sweat double in this heat?
How are they?
Better?
And how are you dear?
Also any holiday plans?

We're home this year...
Paddling pool, bbq, garden, kids and long walks.
It's amazing how boring routine and life can bring us joy.😜

Sweaty hugs lol.
Don't remember such a nice summer...really.
But the little girl shouting and crying at night makes us keep windows closed hehehe...so I feel the heat 🔥...

@Monkhouse2022

@MomLostInTheClouds you are such a sweetheart. You have a newborn but still find time to post.
Currently in 2ww. I had really bad ovulation pains that made me walk bent over though we managed to dtd during fertile window. This time round I was going to take double 400mg progesterone few days after ovulation but have opted not to purely because my dp is whisking me away for a nice long wknd for my birthday and even though my AF is meant to start before then if I take double progesterone it might delay AF and arrive during that wknd. I dnt want to risk it.
I am so happy for you with your little girl. Wish I could fall pregnant with a healthy baby girl again but this time be able to bring her home, only time will tell.

Your hormones are all over the place so your likely to have moments with hubby, its all part of the package.

@Lillygolightly @Vie8126 hope you both are doing fine?!

@MomLostInTheClouds tell me about your new born bubble how are the boys with their sister? What’s happening with dh?

@Monkhouse2022 we hear you. You’re not a statistic you are a mum to her still. I hope you get justice. I’ve had two solicitors look at my notes and dismiss them. Despite the clear notes that say uti was severe and original sample was lost and the placenta showed signs of infection. My battle is over but please keep going with yours!! I hope you get some news soon. Going away sounds lovely and you never know af may not even show 🤞

@Lillygolightly how are your twins doing and coping with the heat?! Must be exhausting for you!!

no festival for me huge row with dp he didn’t like the idea of it (trust issues clearly) sold my ticket and my friend is going with her dh. We’re bumbling through life at the mo. Some days are more pleasant than others. I am not back on contraception but we don’t really dtd either his always too tired or not here. Ds has what could be chicken pox so I’m struggling to work a full time full on job from home and entertain a two year old. Dp is out the house longer and longer these days. I almost dread him coming home. Being dramatic but feels like I’m on house arrest 🤣 just stuck in all the time. Money is tight thank you cost of living rises and stuff in the house is never ending. Dp actually lost his shit at me because he came home and an empty loo roll tube was on the holder and hadn’t been replaced and I don’t put the blinds down correctly 🤣 no thoughts that I have a job and am trying to manage a sick child. He has stopped taking his ads at the worst time when we have so much stress! I’m sure all will be okay positive vibes and all that….