Trying to cope with late miscarriage at 18 weeks😪

[MomLostInTheClouds]

Hallo there,

I've been here for a while and read hundreds of similar stories like mine...
It helped me not to feel so alienated with my loss (never knew there's such a thing like late miscarriage!), but still - it hasn't soothed my pain.

I literally can't understand what had happened (it's raw, just 2.5 weeks ago, with burial on last Friday and follow up appointment with the consultant still to be scheduled after my bloods and placenta results come back; we didn't opt for PM).

I'm 39, have 2 healthy boys (thank God, they keep me sane!) and generally healthy. Before getting pregnant I had my bloods done too and everything (but low vitamin D which I supplemented) was fine. I used to be treated for hypothyroidism, but my TSH and whole thyroid profile came good too. I also lost some weight before (I have always been big, but managed to stay fit and did my zumba workouts religiously).

Got green light to get pregnant and couldn't believe it happened so fast. In a month we saw 2 lines! I was over the moon imagining a little dumpling joining our family, reorganised the rooms up to have space for nursery and dreamt of a newborn's smell...

Everything was like in the 2 previous pregnancies: intensive morning sickness up to 13th week, food aversions, fatigue, etc. The only thing different was yellowish discharge, but since I had no itching, burning or any other symptoms, I was told it is normal.

I was putting on weight, bump was becoming more visible and I could feel his first flutters. What a feeling!

Wednesday, 1st of June (International Children's Day)... things started to get weird.

I woke up very tired and in the night felt pain all over my tummy and found it hard to breathe - like pain in my lungs. Put it down to sleeping too long on the right side and getting bigger. Went to the toilet to find light pink discharge on my panties. Again, a bit puzzled, but when I wiped, there was nothing so again, tried not to worry and spent time with kiddos watching cartoons, playing, eating. Seemingly a normal day of a pregnant tired mommy...

Now I think that it wasn't normal as my gut feeling kept on telling me I haven't really felt baby flutters in a long time (put it down to feeling under the weather and being busy with kids). Then period like cramping started to creep in making me unable to stand. I also felt some pressure in my pelvis which was quite familiar from previous pregnancies, so again, went on with my day. By the evening, I was knackered and went early to sleep even though I wiped a lot of brown discharge during my last toilet visit.

2 am. Sharp abdominal pain and literally labor like contractions coming and going made me jump out of the bed, get dressed and grab my pregnancy file. I ran down to my husband to arrange going to the hospital. Just wanted to visit the toilet thinking it was a sudden bowel movement... but after sitting there for 2-3 minutes, no pushing... a baby and blood popped out of me. I could not believe it. Shaking I looked down and felt the umbilical cord and another gush of blood. Then I just remember my husband calling for ambulance and being rushed to the hospital with a paramedic holding my sleeping bundle of joy.

The reality hit me in the hospital bed. I was struggling to deliver my placenta when my little boy (perfect!) was brought to me in a tiny white basket covered with a crocheted blue blanket, and when they started to take his foot prints and our photos, and handed me a memory box. Holding this memory box and my wee boy on my chest shouted out loud to me that IT IS OVER!

Why?
Why... how?
So fast...?
With few warning signs?
In 1 day?
All over?
All my hopes, dreams...taken away.
Buried.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT DID I DO?!

Was it because I have a cat?
Did I get toxoplasmosis? (Was cleaning her litter box)
Was it that Mc Donald's meal I had few hours ago?
Or was it the last coffee? (I SHOULDN'T HAVE DRUNK COFFEE!)
Was it my age?
My weight?
Some other infection in the womb?
Placenta?

...

There are days I still feel pregnant.
I still rub my tummy.
I see my baby in front of my eyes and cry everyday.
I see his little coffin.
I see his little clothes (his first clothes for the hospital arrived just the day before! He was supposed to leave the hospital in them...Alive!)
And I don't know when I'll get over it.
Even if I should get over it.
When I laugh, I feel guilty.
But for my kids, I smile and wipe my tears on my sleeves so they don't see me down.
And I feel terrible to be wanting another baby, to even try to ttc again...
If I could, I'd love to be pregnant now...(?!)

Don't know how to cope, really.
The feeling that I should have gone to the hospital just to check, hunts me and produces 'what if' scenarios in my head.

Venting here...
Trying to calm down...while waiting for my results (and maybe some answers; hoping it won't be 'one of these bad luck cases').

Feeling 100kg lighter.

Anyone else going through this?

@MomLostInTheClouds I didn’t have 5 mins to sit and look but there is a faint positive with colour. I have another Waitrose cheap one should I do that in the morning or just get a frer if I can?

@Vie8126 ...you're testing my nerves...lol...
What's going on there?
So have you rechecked?
BFP?
Update please ...😚

@MomLostInTheClouds I am sorry my love, no bfp just AF in full force! However their is a result from the tissue samples from my dd but with nothing ever being simple I do not know what the result is and neither does my bereavement midwife I am having to wait for the head scientist to authorise the result before it can go anywhere. There is no timescale on that.

In other news dp and I are at each others throats he cannot cope with me working full time and having to share childcare with our ds. I cba with him tbh I could quite easily walk out the door and never see the man again. He is making it difficult and impossible to love him and come back from the rows we have been having.

sorry to be so much doom and gloom!

how are you and your gorgeous bump
doing????

@Vie8126 no way...😐but there was a positive on 2 tests?...so misleading...😶
AF as usual?
I'm really sad and I can get what you feel.🤗
Could these have been the indents?

And I'm sorry to hear about dp...
God, it's so hard with men...they don't get anything...
For them is like go to work, come back and do nothing...coz they're tired...
And us?
Working our ars* off.

I'm getting you so well coz my hub never agreed on shared care, and when I was back to full time work with my youngest, there were plenty of issues, dinners uncooked, housework not done, but somehow we made it for 2 years...
(And we're still together since almost 14 years...(and he's still alive...😜)).

We're also on the verge of separation...silent days last forever...
And I know it's gonna be worse with more work, more kids, more issues...

So yeah, let's see what will happen.
I hope you guys go through this together.
Its temporary...

And oh no?
Still waiting for results...
It's a joke!

@Monkhouse2022 where are you love?
How are the things going for you? Any news? AF?

I'm big, clumsy, bump makes my nights sleepless...😑

I reached over 24w and viability...
I'm not out of the woods yet...but there's a glimmer of hope...

Sending love.

@Vie8126 Sorry to hear AF turned up!!!
How are things with you & dp now. Husbands just seem to be a different kettle of fish - have you read men are from mars and women from venus, practically sums it up. Well I do hope things are better.

@MomLostInTheClouds Its just so unreal you are over 24 weeks. Keep going girl.
Im in the 2ww not feeling too hopeful but who knows AF not due till end this week/early next week.
Have my internal cervix check tomorrow due to spotting/bleeding though seems to have stopped but still worth checking out for peace of mind.

Knock, knock, @Vie8126 just checking on you.

How are you doing there?

I've been thinking about you...maybe you got some positive energy.
How's dp?
Things getting better?
Will you continue ttc in new cycle?

@Monkhouse2022 good to hear from you.
Yeah...time flies...I'm almost 25w, still with spotting and stress is killing all the joy...but I'm trying to hold on...

Glad you'll be checked.
Let us know if everything is OK.
Also starting a new cycle...?

Guys I'm keeping fingers crossed for you.🤗

Ladies?
Where are you?

I'm starting to worry!

@Vie8126 , @Monkhouse2022 ???
Hallo?

Any updates?
@Lillygolightly how are your twins doing?

Me getting bigger, more clumsy and can't hide this bump anymore...it's causing a lot of interest lol...
Heading towards 26w...

In 10-11 weeks they're planning my c-section...😶

@MomLostInTheClouds im here I’m here!

No update from me in my fertile period…we dtd last night but Flo is telling me today is my best day but dp is working tonight so no chance. Booked a festival for the summer with my friend summer days of music and dancing. Needed something to look forward to if this is not my life. No news from bereavement midwife on results planning to prompt her again tomorrow.

wow look at you!! I’m so excited for you but also get the anxiety but you’ve almost done the hard part and soon in an extremely safe place. Keep us posted on your section date!!

@Monkhouse2022 how are you doing?

@Vie8126 good to see you here 😍
Wow, new month, new hope...
Com on, try to find some time to dtd...it's spring time, you know, even all them bugs and birds doing the thing!😂

You're still waiting for your breavement midwife to tell you the results?
That's crazy.
I'm glad in my area it took them exactly 2 months to collect all the results (and imagine, I considered it a long time)...

Ooh...summer festival!
Sounds perfect...
I'd be probably a big fat rolling ball by then, but I'm glad you're searching for the ways to stay happy.

@Monkhouse2022 how's life and everything? Have you get checked?🤗

@MomLostInTheClouds I just saw this and it sums me up

@Vie8126 🤗
This is something we all felt at some point in time...
It's scary to get preg, especially after loss...but it's even scarier not to get preg...

We won't know unless we try.

We'll be here...keeping fingers crossed for you.

I hope it's a bit better with your dp?😜

@MomLostInTheClouds wow 26w already! Totally with you on the bump clumsiness, mine with the twins was ridiculous as my bump was huge!

The twins are doing great, and so much better since they got over a bout of viral conjunctivitis that they 5yo DD also had, that was a miserable few days for everybody!

I am hanging in there it was Alexander’s anniversary last month and as usual I donated an aching arms bear in his memory and did a few other things. My lovely eldest daughter surprised me with a scarf and necklace from the aching arms online charity shop as she knows I like to support them. Safe to say it’s been a bit of an emotional time.

@Vie8126 I also saw that today and it’s so very true! I felt exactly the same and is also part of the reason I got sterilised after my c section with the twins. I didn’t think my heart could ever take another loss, and being pregnant with the twins after losing Alexander I felt paralysed with fear that the worst would happen. They were so worth every bit of fear, anxiety and worry and I am of course so glad and lucky to have them, but I still worry about losing them, and I worry about losing any of my children more so than I ever did before.

They say that loss makes you stronger and in some ways I guess it’s true as I have survived, and we are all still here but it has also made me see how precious and fragile life really is and almost like I don’t fully trust myself with it. I don’t know if that makes any sense, I’m not even sure if I entirely know what I mean but it’s certainly overwhelming at times.

Sending ❤️ to all.

@MomLostInTheClouds I’m still here but not been feeling good at all in fact total opposite. Just feels like I’ve gone back to square one with my emotions with loss of my baby girl. Miss my baby so much. Think I’m going into depression.
Had an internal examination due to my spotting, results inconclusive so more tests needed so thinking the worst. For past two cycle I have been spotting after period has stopped then 1.5week before AF starts spotting then too. Cycle has started to lengthen. However this month AF due today but last 7 days brown/red discharge just enough for panty liner. Going to do pt tomorrow but unikely I am pregnant just think this is peri menopause. Everything seems to be going against me. Sorry to put a downer on things.

On the flip side…… Can’t believe you are nearly due … aargh but what great news!

@Vie8126 I can relate to that picture, its not easy either way, for any of us.

Hello lovely mamas,

Good to see you here.🤗

@Lillygolightly oh lol, I can just imagine how a twin bump looked and felt like! I'm so glad kids are growing and yeah...they all the time catch some bugs (my youngest is sick all the time since he started reception! And yeah, he had conjunctivitis too, like back in October).
Being a nurse and dealing with all these nasty germs is just a part and parcel of being a ...mom!

I've had a difficult time lately.
It's like I keep on going in circles with our loss.
Missing my boy so much, especially when I saw this poem online and put it in the context of coming Mother's Day...

He would have been 5 months...
And in June, it'll be a year since we lost him (and it's also a month when our girl will be born... hopefully...so it's so bitter-sweet).

Yesterday had another session of counselling and felt so down, so many what ifs haunted me, and again the guilt of replacing him sneaked in...
I keep on imagining his face (he looked so much like my oldest!)...and all memories kept on coming back...

Why wasn't he meant to be?!

I'd love to donate aching arms bears too!😞
I'd like to hug other moms who are going through this and tell them they're not alone.

@Monkhouse2022 I'm getting your grief so much...what you write reflects my emotions.

We never forget our babies.
We always feel them.
Physically we still carry a part of them in us.

I'm glad you're getting your health sorted out and getting checked.

@Vie8126 is everybody fine there now?
And how are you feeling girl?
Summer festival booked?
How's the life-work balance?
And dp?
Still feeling like dumping him?

*

Happy Mother's Day Mamas!
Mamas of angel babies, Mamas of earth-side babies, Mamas of toddlers and teenagers.

😘

Gosh @MomLostInTheClouds that poem really got me, it’s so beautiful!

I think of my boy all the time, I also often feel guilty that my twins are here and that he isn’t. I try to remind myself that the guilt is useless because if I could have him here with us I would. It’s hard and even now some days are easier than others. The thing that sticks with me is that for all of us is that from the moment we lost our angels until forever there will always be part of us that is missing because we will always miss them. I guess that’s the journey.

@Monkhouse2022 and @Vie8126 how are you guys doing?

@MomLostInTheClouds well that got me good too!

work life balance nope not got it. Dp is still annoying. He has said look it’s just not gonna happen for us now but look at what we have. We barely go near each other. I thought I wanted my job but now the novelty has worn off I don’t. I don’t know what I want. I’m so unhappy and miserable.

@Lillygolightly how are your lovely twins doing?

@MomLostInTheClouds i am glad you are still having counselling and finding something is coming from it even if you have to face the dark times.

@Monkhouse2022 how are you doing???? What’s the latest?

@MomLostInTheClouds @Lillygolightly @Vie8126 hello ladies hope you are all doing well?!

I’m waiting for further tests for my spotting whilst still ttc. Fertile window approaching yet again.

@MomLostInTheClouds you are almost due soon, its been an amazing journey for you and happy for you too my love.

Not a whiff of a positive pregnancy test for me, so so heartbreaking but can only hope & pray. I should give up its taking over my life mentally & physicall draining to say the least.

@Vie8126 how are things with you?
hows things with your husband?

@Lillygolightly you are blessed with your twins.

Happy belated mother’s day ladies x

@Monkhouse2022 I was just thinking about you and girls lol...

Wow, fertile window...
I'm sending positive spring vibes for mating 😎
I hope everything will be OK and spotting doesn't mean anything nasty...

Days are passing fast, 27w...😊

I'm enjoying a bit more now and I'm a bit calmer knowing that fetal survival rates are good at this stage.

But still didn't go shopping, didn't buy stuff for myself...

Next week on Wednesday, after my 28w scan and tests, I'm intending to try to get some clothes for my little girl...if I'd be able...

We're not yet out of the woods...
There are concerns that my beta-blocker (Lebatalol) for high BP and my gestational diabetes can cause low sugar in the baby after birth so I'm being prepared to have an elective c-section and longer hospital stay, but I take anything...

We can't even believe with my hub we got here...

@Vie8126 how are you? And the family?

@Lillygolightly I know how you cherish the twins.
I'm now so aware of all the things that can go wrong with kiddos, that I just enjoy every moment everyone is ok, healthy and with me.

Keep positing girls!😘

Hey ladies!

still no news from my bereavement midwife. May 4th is they day our girl was born a week ish after finding out she had past. Probably less than that it’s all still such a blur. Was positive I’d have another babe in my arms by now but not even a glimmer of that. Feel lost. I threw myself in a full job job thinking that would hold the answers. Now unhappy with that. Just don’t think anything will make me happy anymore. Things with dp have got better but we just don’t see each other all that much so could be why! As for dtd nearly never so haven’t even given it a fair crack. He just keeps telling me about all his friends who are expecting and I keep giving no answers or mmm that’s nice in an attempt to shut him up!!

how was everyone’s Mother’s Day? Mine was pretty rubbish. My oldest boys didn’t visit or bother to do/send anything, my daughters card got held up in the post, dp cooked a half hearted dinner and went to work and left me all the washing up!

@MomLostInTheClouds wow look at you not long to go now!!! I’m glad it’s all going well. How are your boys? How’s things with dh?

@Monkhouse2022 this may be your month!! What tests are you having etc?

@Lillygolightly hope you and your lovely twins are doing well.

sending love to you all.

@Vie8126 I must admit that what they're doing with your results it's an absolute joke!

1 year and no answers?
How can this be?

I think job is what you're taking (subconsciously) to keep your mind busy...not to overthink.

Mother's Day?
What Mother's Day lol?
Ok my kids brought some cards from school, we had some treats (cup cakes from dh) and that would be it.

I'm sorry your son forgot...😪
Keeping the family together when they grow up is a challenge too..
Don't want to even think about it.

@Monkhouse2022 are you productive there?😜
@Vie8126 ...mating time...

@Lillygolightly how was your Mother's Day?

Evening my lovlies,

How are you doing?

How's your Easter break?

Are you home or travelling?
Lol, are the kids driving you crazy?
I'm just trying to entertain my rascals as much as I can (cinema, swimming).

Any news, updates? Results?

Long time no hear...

Uffff...
I'm a one big waddling 🐧 hitting 29w...
Pinch me...can't believe it.

Got the cot...hub said he'd put it together one she's here...
As you can guess, he's as much in disbelief as I am!
Brought some essentials for the baby too.
Weeks left...
Most difficult are injections (blood thinners) I started at 28w...hate needles and that burning...and bruising.

My boy's birthday and my due date are both approching.
It's been a year...like how can this be?

@MomLostInTheClouds I am here.

So yesterday was a day. I got my results! Not sure how to feel. Chromosomes fine cord blood fine plancenta no issues so all in all no result really just a perfectly healthy baby. The head fuck bit? Chromosome XY so our girl was a boy. Gone straight back to the start. Our boy with a girl name in a pink box has been done out of a send off. I feel awful terrible and so upset and angry. No reason a perfectly healthy little boy just gone.

no reason to not go full throttle at trying again a plan in place for aspirin as I have no reason for loss. All my hormones and thyroid results perfect. Except I am ovulating and yest according to my app was the highest chance of conception. Asked dp to do the deed he said nope. It’s never gonna happen at this rate. Told midwife we’ve been ttc for almost a year now after she said don’t leave it too long she said yeah but you have a toddler so it can be harder so guess that’s the end of support and advice from them.

I am so happy for you that you’re almost there!!!!

@Monkhouse2022 are you there??

@MomLostInTheClouds @Vie8126 Good morning my beautiful ladies!
oh @Vie8126 you made me chuckle with your one liner to me ‘are you there?’ - indeed I am.
Its so upsetting to hear you lost a perfectly healthy baby as I did & thats what pains me the most.
All this time you were waiting to hear and you get told this.
Don’t be too hard on yourself about sending your boy off in pink at the end of the day its just a colour or worry about a girls name, important thing is you gave your baby a worthy goodbye to RIP!
I’m sure my angel girl will be very complimentary of the pink outfit to your boy.
Such a shame you missed a chance to conceive yesterday but you still have chance today and tomorrow so dnt lose hope - go dtd.
I’m currently in the 2ww but had another episode of bleed after sex so told my bereavement midwife who is going to chase up my gynae app.
Went to a bereavement group yesterday for pregnancy loss and my heart crumbled when a new couple entered the room and told their story of how they lost their baby boy at 39 weeks a day before c section was scheduled. To think you go good as the full term and lose your baby a day before they are due. It scares me getting pregnant, its just heightened anxiety till you have your healthy baby in your arms.
We can only hope!

@MomLostInTheClouds you are our hope, miracles can happen! Simply cannot believe it how far you have come. You keep going. Wow cot made too!
Persevere with blood thinners it all helps to get that healthy baby… no pain no gain! c

@Monkhouse2022 I know deep down I know it doesn’t matter but I just feel cheated about it if that makes sense.

What tests have you had? Sitting here with all my results inc my bloods and I have my fsh and lh levels but should I have my progesterone checked? Is that a thing?

I have a positive on my results for Parvovirus IgG and a hand written comment alongside it saying ‘this would not have caused loss’ I don’t even know what it is. I’ve also noticed it says the report was completed 23rd September 2022 so I’ve been fobbed off with reasons as to why they have taken so long and only been issued it when I have dsar for my records and told them I am going to complain.

@Vie8126 It is absolutely outrageous the time it has taken them to get back to you & even then it was prompted by you requesting records. Defo put forward a complaint, these people need to realise the after affects of pregnancy loss.

Yes get your progesterone tested at day 21 of your cycle its done by blood test or best way book blood test exactly 7 days you get peak ovulation - latter is better as not everyone has 28 day cycle.
I would also check your AMH levels this too done by blood test. It determines your ovarian reserve.
If you can also get internal vaginal scan to check your follicles.

Never heard of parvovirus in pregnancy. They really are not being helpful in you getting answers. Your bereavemnt midwife should be guiding you.