Trying to cope with late miscarriage at 18 weeks😪

[MomLostInTheClouds]

Hallo there,

I've been here for a while and read hundreds of similar stories like mine...
It helped me not to feel so alienated with my loss (never knew there's such a thing like late miscarriage!), but still - it hasn't soothed my pain.

I literally can't understand what had happened (it's raw, just 2.5 weeks ago, with burial on last Friday and follow up appointment with the consultant still to be scheduled after my bloods and placenta results come back; we didn't opt for PM).

I'm 39, have 2 healthy boys (thank God, they keep me sane!) and generally healthy. Before getting pregnant I had my bloods done too and everything (but low vitamin D which I supplemented) was fine. I used to be treated for hypothyroidism, but my TSH and whole thyroid profile came good too. I also lost some weight before (I have always been big, but managed to stay fit and did my zumba workouts religiously).

Got green light to get pregnant and couldn't believe it happened so fast. In a month we saw 2 lines! I was over the moon imagining a little dumpling joining our family, reorganised the rooms up to have space for nursery and dreamt of a newborn's smell...

Everything was like in the 2 previous pregnancies: intensive morning sickness up to 13th week, food aversions, fatigue, etc. The only thing different was yellowish discharge, but since I had no itching, burning or any other symptoms, I was told it is normal.

I was putting on weight, bump was becoming more visible and I could feel his first flutters. What a feeling!

Wednesday, 1st of June (International Children's Day)... things started to get weird.

I woke up very tired and in the night felt pain all over my tummy and found it hard to breathe - like pain in my lungs. Put it down to sleeping too long on the right side and getting bigger. Went to the toilet to find light pink discharge on my panties. Again, a bit puzzled, but when I wiped, there was nothing so again, tried not to worry and spent time with kiddos watching cartoons, playing, eating. Seemingly a normal day of a pregnant tired mommy...

Now I think that it wasn't normal as my gut feeling kept on telling me I haven't really felt baby flutters in a long time (put it down to feeling under the weather and being busy with kids). Then period like cramping started to creep in making me unable to stand. I also felt some pressure in my pelvis which was quite familiar from previous pregnancies, so again, went on with my day. By the evening, I was knackered and went early to sleep even though I wiped a lot of brown discharge during my last toilet visit.

2 am. Sharp abdominal pain and literally labor like contractions coming and going made me jump out of the bed, get dressed and grab my pregnancy file. I ran down to my husband to arrange going to the hospital. Just wanted to visit the toilet thinking it was a sudden bowel movement... but after sitting there for 2-3 minutes, no pushing... a baby and blood popped out of me. I could not believe it. Shaking I looked down and felt the umbilical cord and another gush of blood. Then I just remember my husband calling for ambulance and being rushed to the hospital with a paramedic holding my sleeping bundle of joy.

The reality hit me in the hospital bed. I was struggling to deliver my placenta when my little boy (perfect!) was brought to me in a tiny white basket covered with a crocheted blue blanket, and when they started to take his foot prints and our photos, and handed me a memory box. Holding this memory box and my wee boy on my chest shouted out loud to me that IT IS OVER!

Why?
Why... how?
So fast...?
With few warning signs?
In 1 day?
All over?
All my hopes, dreams...taken away.
Buried.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT DID I DO?!

Was it because I have a cat?
Did I get toxoplasmosis? (Was cleaning her litter box)
Was it that Mc Donald's meal I had few hours ago?
Or was it the last coffee? (I SHOULDN'T HAVE DRUNK COFFEE!)
Was it my age?
My weight?
Some other infection in the womb?
Placenta?

...

There are days I still feel pregnant.
I still rub my tummy.
I see my baby in front of my eyes and cry everyday.
I see his little coffin.
I see his little clothes (his first clothes for the hospital arrived just the day before! He was supposed to leave the hospital in them...Alive!)
And I don't know when I'll get over it.
Even if I should get over it.
When I laugh, I feel guilty.
But for my kids, I smile and wipe my tears on my sleeves so they don't see me down.
And I feel terrible to be wanting another baby, to even try to ttc again...
If I could, I'd love to be pregnant now...(?!)

Don't know how to cope, really.
The feeling that I should have gone to the hospital just to check, hunts me and produces 'what if' scenarios in my head.

Venting here...
Trying to calm down...while waiting for my results (and maybe some answers; hoping it won't be 'one of these bad luck cases').

Feeling 100kg lighter.

Anyone else going through this?

Hi Ladies, sorry it’s taken me a while to respond as things have just been crazy. A very good friend of mine is in an abusive relationship and so I’m currently doing a lot of supporting and trying to help her leave. It’s funny as we went to secondary school together but were in different years and then I moved away so weren’t really proper friends at school. We then ended up back in contact as she worked with another friend of mine and ended up friends, but the drifted again as I moved away. We always kept up sporadic contact on social media. Then when I lost my boy I joined some online support groups, turned out she had recently joined the group too as she also had a loss. We ended up noticing each other in the support group and got chatting and then found out that we lived just 10 minutes from each other, which was miles away from where we first met. We found such comfort and support in each other and we always say how our angels brought us together, just like they brought all of us together too.

I keep on wishing and praying that @Vie8126 and @Monkhouse2022 get your sticky rainbow beans!! My heart hurts for you both so much!

@Vie8126 why is your DP having trust issues? Is this normal for him? Or is it perhaps that he’s feeling so guilty over his treatment of you that he’s wondering why you haven’t left him? Either way he’s being a shit to you!! Honestly you explaining about the empty loo roll and the blinds incident had me hopping mad!!!

@Monkhouse2022 you are not just a statistic, you are mummy without her baby and there is nothing more painful in all the world! I send you strength and hope you keep fighting! I hope you have/had a lovely birthday weekend away. I’ll be keeping everything crossed for you next cycle and hope that extra progesterone does the trick.

@MomLostInTheClouds how are your and the little one? I hope you’re enjoying that lovely newborn bubble, it’s so magical! Even though I am so very lucky to have my rainbows and been sterilised I can’t help but be a teeny bit jealous. Thinking of you snuggled up with your babba makes me so happy ❤️

The twins are still suffering in the heat and I can’t not wait for it to cool down already!!! They are so full on at the moment with all the walking/running and just getting into everything, with 2 of them it’s exhausting but wonderful. I went to the doctors as I haven’t been feeling right for a while, well since they’ve been born actually but until they started sleeping through it was difficult to tell if it was me just being tired and sleep deprived. Anyway doctors did full bloods and it’s come back with a few things most notably that my thyroid levels are off showing hypothyroidism and that I’m low in iron and folic and folate. I have to pick up the prescription on Monday for high dose folic and ferrous fumerate, I am not looking forward to taking them if I’m honest, they give me and awful tummy and don’t actually make me feel any better. Docs won’t medicate my thyroid as yet, apparently I have to repeat bloods in 6 weeks so they can have a trend on my levels first. I just want to get medicated and get on with it and get to feeling better and as frustrating as it is having to wait for the repeat bloods I understand it’s necessary. I’m so tired of being tired!!

Hello mamas😚,

Sleep deprivation hit me hard this week... I really have my hands full with my trio and it's a lovely journey, but requires quite a lot of juggling skills oh lol...

Oh I can imagine...
1 toddler = Armagedon and x 2...
Well...you must be better than a fly with eyes all over your head 😅

Don't worry about hypothyroidism.
I used to have it treated for years.
Started at uni when I was so tired and fell asleep in random places. My TSH was around 10 (norm 3.5).

Got levotyroxine (Euthyrox 75mg to take every morning before food) and after like 7 years got fine.
You'll start to feel better, hopefully.

@Monkhouse2022 I'm keeping all my fingers and toes crossed for you too...and hope that the trip was a "fruitful" trip lol...a bit jealous...lol...
I'm a real...stay at home...mom now...
Heh.

@Vie8126 How's DP?
And how are you?
Unbelievable how funny men are...burst out about blinds and petite things, but forget to validate and notice our emotional states and things we try to tell them.

It's as pathetic as with my hub...
He made a fuss that there was no dinner few days ago...I was on my feet whole day and night, doing stuff for this family and got scolded for not being enough...instead of getting help...

No words...
We women are strong...aren't we?
We'll handle their harsh words...and push through for our kids.

Kisses.
Keep me posted!

BTW, @Lillygolightly iron is terrible, indeed, I was on ferrous sulphate and the pains and poops were so bad...(tmi...Black!) But after 2 months I wasn't anaemic anymore...so you can do it.

BTW 2 , how funny how you and your friend got together in the end...amazing! She's so precious.

Hello there!

Anybody here?

I haven't forgotten you (just living in a newborn bubble).
Guys, it's amazing how they grow...
My baby girl is 1 month today!
And she became a chubby bit of happiness 🤗...
Sleep deprived, tired as can be, I'm enjoying every moment.

@Monkhouse2022 what's going on?
@Vie8126 how are you, DP and life?
@Lillygolightly how are twins now?
And how are you?

Summer break up is around the corner...
I'd be having a lovely trio at home for almost 2 months ...😲

Hello Ladies, sorry for being quiet but not in a good place. Its one year on since losing my darling girl.
2ww wait over AF showed up, went away for lovely wknd and to find AF now lasting 8 days of bleeding & still counting and thats excluding counting the 7 days of pre AF spotting. My hopes of becoming pregnant again is fading fast. I can only hold onto what I tragically lost and all the ‘what ifs’. Im in a bad place, feel like I have alot more bad days than good days :(

@MomLostInTheClouds how are you how is your beautiful baby? How’s things with dh?

@Monkhouse2022 how are you now? Are you getting help for your mh?

@Lillygolightly how is your lovely brood doing??

As for us, we’re going through motions. Dp is working so much and out the house all the time we barely see each other. Never mind anything else that’s king king gone.

I am busy with work and dealing with teenage/toddler tantrums at the same time. My DS is two in a couple of weeks.

It all feels autopilot. I’m perm shattered. The house, the dog, the kids, the logistics and work is knackering throw in a constantly tired workaholic dp and money worries to boot makes for a shitty place to be. I miss my baby and wonder where my life would be now had he been here had he made it. Like I’m living in the shitty parallel life and somewhere my actual life is continuing happy with my little boys and a happy dp. However, this is where I am. I can smile and laugh and go about life but I don’t feel anything. My phone kindly sent me a video of ds first steps last year and I honestly do not even remember it happening deep in a depression at that time and I feel so bad for him that most of his life now I’ve been like this and the not the person I was. Like @Monkhouse2022 I am struggling. I think because our relationship is just going through the motions. Dp moans constantly that this isn’t done that isn’t done I’m working 40hrs a week, 3 days a week I’m out the house 6.30am to 7pm and I just can’t do it all. Keep meaning to phone to get bloods arranged to see if menopause is incoming but haven’t got round to it. Sending you all love xx.

Hi @MomLostInTheClouds

How are you settling into life with baby? I hope all is going well and that you are managing some rest and hopefully some sleep.

@Monkhouse2022

Anniversary dates are hard aren’t they, it’s a constant struggle. Are you trying the progesterone on this/next cycle?

@Vie8126

How are you? Things sound very tough for you, my DH can be very nitpicking too and when your already busy and struggling it can be hard to deal with, all the criticism can seem like such a huge slap in the face.

We all got struck down by a bug, felt like the flu it was awful. Thankfully it seems we are out the other side of it now. I have my repeat blood test next week and I’m hoping that will lead to finally getting this thyroid issue treated, I just want to feel better. X

@MomLostInTheClouds @Monkhouse2022 @Lillygolightly how are you all doing?

things have improved here we are at the end of a long legal battle which did not go as expected and put a lot of pressure on us but expected to be finally over for good by the end of august! Dp is still working all hours and we’re hardly seeing each other but that’s fine for now and is what it is. I am off this week to spend some time with the kids but the weather is just shocking so enjoying some lazy days and down time. We have a week away at the end of the month in a little cottage on the coast so that be nice as dp will actually be off. That’s about it from us tbh no time to dtd so periods are coming and going and ttc seems like it was such a long time ago. Still wonder and wish our baby was here with us.

thinking of you girls and hope everyone is ok xxxx

@MomLostInTheClouds @Lillygolightly @Vie8126 hello my lovely ladies. Apologies Ive been a bit quiet but lots going on and trying to get my head round it. I bled last month for 14-16 days which really upset me as my cycles are normally regular so thought this is start of peri. Started doing opk with no sign of a peak for 2 weeks though might ovulate in next day or so as line starting to get darker but not dark enough. Have hysteroscopy booked in for next week which I will have to cancel as I’ll be in 2ww so dont want to disturb implantation - wishful thinking I know then God knows when hospital can re-book. Therapist told me I need to go on anti-depressant as I have alot more bad days and still cant stop thinking about my girl and what ifs a year later. Didnt help with solicitor not taking my case further. So all in all Im not in a good place and my mental health in a bad place. Enough about my sad story!!

@Vie8126 ah lovely you are going away, will be nice to get away lets hope sun comes out eventually

@MomLostInTheClouds how are you and your precious one doing?

@Lillygolightly how are you? Children keepinf you busy?

Woah, woah, woah ladies...

Here I am!
The, haven't really got time to pop in here and I'm glad to hear from you.

@Vie8126 wow! Cottage, holidays...I'd love to go somewhere and be close to nature, but yeah, in these days I'm so consumed by nappies, feedings, colic, vaccinations, etc. Hehehe...maybe next year?
Honestly...I also hardly see my dh and I'm OK with it too...I'm a walking talking zombie so no mood for romance.
The distance is sitting well with me at this point...and having 3 kids at home now is challenging enough...adding my mother's-in-law...would be hard 😋.

@Monkhouse2022 Oh gosh...it doesn't sound good...all that bleeding, no obvious ovulation...you must feel lost and confused.
I've been thinking about you a lot and how I wish you get that rainbow.
Please, push for all the check ups, try and try and try again...sometimes we need to add a lot from us to make something happen.
My determination pushed me to have this baby...I pushed for examinations, meds, appointments...please, don't lose heart.

Going anywhere for holidays love?

@Lillygolightly weather changed so I hope twins are better now? And how are you? All tests done? Are you taking any meds and feeling any better?

My girlie is growing so fast.
She doubled her birth weight and smiles and cooes and babbles.
Pure joy...
And I always see my 😇 son through her smile...and burst out crying randomly wondering incessantly why he didn't get to be here earthside...with us...and that she wouldn't be here if he was born...😪
Transcendental stuff and makes me teary even now...@Monkhouse2022 we all also haven't forgotten and have many bad days, just I guess life keeps us so busy that we seem to be going fine about it.

Please, keep me posted.

I'm still hoping for some more rainbows to come here...from your side... 🌈

@Monkhouse2022 im still on ADs they are a way of life for me now - if I miss a day here or there I feel my mental health spiral and I change as a person. Forever changed. Try them if it’s been recommended they aren’t a magic pill you won’t forget but you can function better and the dark clouds lift slightly. I’m sorry you’re having bleeding problems. I would also cancel my appointment just in case. You know what this month my period was due Friday and my lunchtime hadn’t turned up I dared to let myself think maybe…what if…and just like that AF turned up ha I don’t know why I even thought it tbh I don’t even think we dtd.

I tried solicitors for the various things that were in my notes - I tried two in fact neither were interested.

@MomLostInTheClouds ahh your girl is really getting on! How are the boys with her?

@MomLostInTheClouds @Lillygolightly @Monkhouse2022

are you there? I thought of you all tonight as I lit my candle of all the little ones gone too soon. I hope everyone is holding up and hasn’t found this difficult week too much.

@Vie8126 ...I'm here😘
And I'm sure all mamas of angels are here too..

You cracked me up and I burst out crying.
It's been ages...
Tommy's kept on reminding me about Baby Loss Awareness Week by email, but I kept it in the back of my head like on 9th-10th...then forogt...

It made me light the candle, look at the photos, get that teddy out (couldn't touch the memory box though), and think of my boy. Reminiscing...

He'd be a 1 year on the 3rd of November...
I haven't been to the cemetery for exactly a year (visited him last Halloween...)...been sooooo busy...

The pain is still there.
My girl is my girl, and just having the baby doesn't take that pain away...weird...I was positive it would!

My boy is my boy, and nothing can replace him....
A part of me will always carry all the hopes and dreams we never shared...coz he was gone too soon.

What did that teach me?

Again...to appreciate and cherish every cry, every "mama!" call...kiss more, hug for longer,.be...just be...it's so little yet so much in this context.

And how are you @Vie8126 ?
And you @Monkhouse2022 ?
@Lillygolightly ...I've missed you!
Tell me what's going on in your lives and how are you handling today...?

I thought of all you lovely ladies and angels too as I lit my candles last night.

I asked my local church (not really religious) but it’s the church is part of my DD3 school and the Father of the church seems very kind so I sent a message regarding my Alexander and explained it was Baby loss awareness week and they have now added his name to the book of remembrance and will pray for him every year which I really appreciated. I’m hoping I can pluck up the courage to actually go into the church to light a candle, been too afraid to go for fear of being an emotional mess. I also had a ribbon dedicated to him in his memory.

As I say I’m not really religious, in fact being honest I’m not sure what I believe anymore but my nana took me to church regularly as a child and we always lit candles for those dear who has passed on. I just find churches calming places and even if not religious I find the lighting of candles for loved ones meaningful.

The twins will be 2 next month and my eldest is turning 19 in a few days! I am so lucky that I have then twins, they really do keep me very busy along with the other kids but the loss of Alexander is ever present in my life…I know that nothing will ever fill the hole in my heart and life…it is shaped perfectly for him and only he could ever fill it. I find this both profoundly sad because I will always be without him while I am here on earth, but also beautiful because I also know that he can never be replaced and will never be forgotten.

Sending so much ❤️ to you all.

@MomLostInTheClouds @Lillygolightly

so good to hear from you both. It’s so lovely to hear updates on your little ones!

Im plodding really, work kids work kids. Like you both I’m trying to revel in the little moments with youngest even the 2 year old tantrums! It’s pretty clear pregnancy is not happening for us so I’m at peace with that. Ploughing on with work and motherhood and finding joy in them little moments.

This BLAW was hard we had a local display I wanted to visit, I had our baby’s name included but this time his ‘boy’ name as we now know he was a boy! It made it double emotional. DP rushed me and was like ah yeah that’s nice come on let’s go and it threw me a bit. I wonder what my two little boys would have been like together, my due date of our lost boy falls during BLAW so he would have been one now. Would they be getting into mischief with each other and running me ragged. In the alternate universe where I have both little boys and never knew this pain would I have been enjoying it and grateful for every little moment or drowning in nappies and tantrums. I look at my little 2 year old and wonder what he would have been like with his little shadow but also know his shadow is always there just in a different form. A protective force maybe.

Not religious either but I do remember shortly after our loss my mum took me into a church to light a candle and she spoke to the vicar who came over and asked me who I was lighting a candle for and not being able to speak and just crying. It did bring me some temporary peace.

@Monkhouse2022 love, where are you?
You've been in my mind for so long and I was praying in my heart for your ovulation and baby...🤗it's just the naive silly me who would like to give every mama their rainbow....if I only could...

@Monkhouse2022 ,@Lillygolightly @Vie8126 ...how are your DPs or hubs?
My husband is so after me in these months, so affectionate, like never before.
I used to crave his affection and now when he's so into me, I'm so indifferent...
@Vie8126 how is it going with you guys especially? I remember there were many issues and conflicts.

Yes, @Lillygolightly and @Vie8126 churches or religious places, or even the cemetery are amazing.
I also asked one pastor from the hospital Chapel to add my boy to their annual prayers.

We used to go a lot to my boy after the loss,...it felt so empty that time. Like I needed to talk to him...
And generally, since I was a kid, we used to light the candles for people who passed and talk to them too, if that makes sense.
Still remember cementary at night on winter days...spooky...

And there's that mystery of where all these people who left us are...
Are they there?
Can they see us cry? Hear us?

@Lillygolightly ...19?! Wow and I was feeling strange about my kids being 5.5 year apart each...haha.
Lovely candles...and these teddies...😪
Yeah, that's why I wanted that last baby this late...too...for all these tiny reasons a mom can only understand!

@Vie8126 I'm on maternity, so this time not work, but kids and routine make my days.
I'm filled with gratitude...
And found BLAW hard...so hard...
Especially coz my rainbow girl looks so similar to my tiny boy when she sleeps on the side.

There are moments when I look at her and just start sobbing coz of all these similarities. And this funny feeling...like she's always been with us ...while my boy has never got a chance to live with us...

"...but he will live forever in my heart...."

@MomLostInTheClouds @Lillygolightly @Vie8126 Hello my beautiful ladies. Feels likes ages since we last communicated. For me BLAW is just another day. I think of my baby girl everyday. She would be turning 1 next month. It is still hard and I have resisted going on ADs. Still trying even bought myself ovusense to see if that helps second month using it so lets see what happens or maybe Im just ‘chasing pavement’.

I’m glad to hear you have got some comfort in your losses. Its the one journey that connects us.

@MomLostInTheClouds your little girl must be so adorable as they say cherish every moment they grow up so fast.

So sorry I’m keeping this short but I just feel so tired of lately must be the winter blues with it getting dark so early.
I do hope one day soon I can return on this post and share good news xx

@MomLostInTheClouds @Monkhouse2022 @Lillygolightly I have up ttc although we haven’t been careful been looking to the future and decided we were happy with DS and he would be our focus along with our careers. Looking forward to seeing the back of extortionate nursery fees and ds starting school next year. My dps away with work I’m a few days late nothing major my cycles been all over the shop. I have no one to talk to. I’m climbing the walls here. Is this a positive I mean I know it is but I’m cramping and just can’t believe what I am seeing. I’m 43 in a matter of weeks.

@Vie8126 oh @Vie8126 ...
I was thinking about you guys so many times and never got really time (and memory!!!! Post partum memory...you know that, right?) to get back here...

And what did I just see?
@Vie8126 ...baby's on the way!
I was just changing my girlie and saw this and I smiled 😃 ...like wow!
There you go girl...it always happens when you chill...

Like congratulations 🎊 👏...
I'm so excited!
I've been waiting for such news!

Being crampy is quite normal, actually I always felt like I'm about to start my period.

But yeah...age is age, so I'd run private and get progesterone (don't hope NHS will ...). At 43 you're probably running low on your reserves and it increases the risk of miscarrying.

Magnesium (for cramping), prenatals, Omega 3😁 ...and good prenatal care.
I'd call the Midwife today and remind them about your background...probably you'll be high risk, consultant-led (age and history).

So yeah mama-to-be...bring the action and celebrate!
Which week can it be?
Please, keep us posted, I'm so excited that can't sit now...

Love you guys...
@Monkhouse2022 how are you there? Updates?
@Lillygolightly how are you? And kiddos?

@Vie8126 I called at around 5w and got seen at 6 and then 8w...coz of the past loss.
Don't wait...

@MomLostInTheClouds I should be jumping for joy but I’m all over the shop. Dp literally said the other day another baby would screw our future plans. We just booked our wedding. I don’t know what to do or what to think. I’m terrified of everything.

@Vie8126 how are you today?
Does it sit well with you now?
Have you talked to your dp?😋

Well, having a baby is a game changer.. strikes hard in terms of time, self care, finances, etc. It's hard work!!!!!
My rainbow is entering the crawling/walking stage so she can be a handful.

But it's worth it...

You can still have a wedding, preg.
Now I believe the some care starts at 9 months so you can find a good nursery.

In the end, the baby is the answer to your prayers.
And I'm so happy for you...

I hope you'd have a healthy and uneventful pregnancy and send us the pics of that little munchkin in 9 months!

Nausea hitting or too early?
Take a good care of yourself there 😏

*some free childcare

@Vie8126 Hello my lovely so happy for you with yr bfp.
Like @MomLostInTheClouds said your prayer has been answered.
I am sure you can work things out with your dp. You’re probably still in state of shock.
Pray for a healthy pregnancy with a healthy baby,
Wow @MomLostInTheClouds your lil one is crawling, how time flies.

I am still trying but not even a sniff of a bfp.
Last month my AF was for 2 weeks is this start of peri, really hope not.
I have to take each day as it comes. Since my loss my mental health has not been good. I just seemed to be fixated on the injustice from nhs.
I am now taking proceive max see if that helps. I dnt want to give up but time not on my side and I feel like the hope of having my rainbow baby is slipping away at such speed.
Anyway lets not sadden you with my misery.

Keep us posted on how you get on.

Big hug to you both…, sprinkle some baby dust my way, pretty please!!!! X

🙌sending baby dust....

........ ..........* ............. ............

There's always hope...please please please don't lose hope ...

I'm sure it'll happen at the right time, as it did foe @Vie8126 and I can't wait to hear it from you.😘