My husband died suddenly today- I couldn’t save him

[Etotheipiplus1equals0]

My 48 year old husband died this morning. We don’t know why but it was probably a massive heart attack. I found him face down wedged between furniture and making grunting noises. I called 999 but it took me ages to get him out and on his back as he is big and I am small. I did cpr and the paramedics worked on him for over an hour but there was no response. My poor kids witnessed a lot of this (9 and 6). I am lost. I keep imagining if I’d just got him out quicker and started cpr sooner he might still be alive. How do I stop picturing his face as he died? I miss him so much and the kids are so young. I’m just not sure I can get through it

OP it is a huge trauma you have all been through and it will take time. Lots of time.

Good luck with your phased return to work.

You’re doing so well

I’m so sorry. This is utterly dreadful for you and your children.

Please, don’t be hard on yourself. You did everything you could. I do hope you have support at hand, to help you through the shock.

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I am so sorry. This is a huge trauma for you to process.

When my DF had a heart attack his doctor said that had it been any bigger it would have taken minutes for him to die. I really don't think that even with CPR you could have saved him but you did the best you could.

Be kind to yourself x

I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. That sounds horrendous but please, please do not blame yourself. Sending you and the kids virtual hugs

Sorry for your loss.

There is a charity called WAY (Widowed and Young) you may wish to join
www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/

This group has both local and UK wide meetups as well as a strong Facebook group. They offer advise, support, friendship. I was widowed at 46.

Another thing to look into is EDMR therapy. I have not experienced it personally but have a few friends who highly recommend it. They say it is tough but good.

Big hugs x

Oh you poor woman. You sound very much as though you could have PTSD from your experience. I would really really recommend seeing if you could have some EMDR therapy to help you process that morning and help you cope with what happened. It can help stop intrusive flashbacks, the memories are still there but not as vivid.
Wishing you and your children all the strength for the future.

I am so sorry for your loss. Sending love and you can lean on us

Sending you OP.

So sorry for you. My teenage nephew died this way a couple years ago, I was there. He had a genetic condition but it was a massive shock for him to have a heart attack and pass so quickly infront of us all. It takes a while to feel more yourself after this so be kind to yourself and allow friends and family to rally round. The children tend to bounce back much quicker than you will but ask their teachers for support anyway. Sending lots of love and strength your way 💐

I am so sorry OP. Sending every strength to you and your children today and for the future. It is such a terrible time.

OP, so sorry for your loss.

The doctor was actually with my Dad when he died and had shocking equipment behind the settee just in case. Ambulance called up literally as he passed away. Despite having three experts there, there was nothing that could be done.

I know it'll just keep playing over in your mind for now, but even if you could have got to him sooner, there's little chance you could have done anything.

I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children.

I'm so sorry. What a terrible experience for you all. I think that there is very little you could have done for him and you cannot blame yourself.

Keep your babies close and focus on giving him the most marvellous send off, with pictures and tributes and try an get these put into a book so your children have something amazing to remember him by. It will help you remember the good things during these difficult, raw moments.
take care...

OP my heart is breaking for you. I actually crying. I can't imagine what you are going through and the awfulness of that morning. Just wanted to send love and hugs. I know it's not mumsnetty but fuck it.

You're being unbelievably strong. I know you may not feel it. I'm hure your lovely husband would be proud of you.

I don't know what to say to make it better probably noth. Life it so unfair. I understand the feeling of thinking about what you could or should have done. But it likely wouldn't change anything. So please be gentle with yourself.

I'm sorry for your loss. Please don't blame yourself, you did everything you could to save him. Your children will need you more than ever now so don't be afraid to ask for help for them and yourself.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know someone who went through something similar and she, too, worried that she hadn't done enough to save him and if she had done something differently, maybe he would have survived. The doctors were able to reassure here that even if he had had that same heart attack in a hospital bed, with all of the cardiac team around him, he still couldn't have been saved. Many, many people do not survive heart attacks, sadly, despite all of the best efforts and resources in the world.

Sending you lots of good wishes in the coming days. This must be such a dreadful shock for you and I hope you will look after yourself and seek as much support as you need (and more) x

I'm so sorry for your loss

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss OP.

My aunt experienced a similar tragedy one new years eve, Uncle came downstairs and said he didn't feel well and then collapsed. She did CPR with the aid of the 999 call operator before paramedics turned up to take over. They worked on him for 40 minutes in the house before calling time.

Aunt was very similar to you, she didn't have young children though. Ultimately she got some short term antidepressant help as well as counselling. She has since been diagnosed with PTSD as a result of the memory of the CPR she did and then witnessed. The counselling really helped her, it didn't stop the grieving but it helped her to process the traumatic memory.

I also have had PTSD therapy and even though I was certain it was something only soldiers needed, it turned out very very helpful and I too have been able to process my traumatic memory (I still think of it but I don't get flashbacks, night terrors and the like).

Please speak to MIND who were so lovely with me, they didn't fix me but they advised me who could help me and where to find them.

Good luck and much love x

I’m so sorry for your loss My cousin experienced a sudden loss very similar, a couple of weeks ago and is taking it one step at a time and family are supporting him. I hope you have friends and family that can support you as much as you need them too. There is an organisation- youngandwidowed.org.uk - which may help in the future