My husband died suddenly today- I couldn’t save him

[Etotheipiplus1equals0]

My 48 year old husband died this morning. We don’t know why but it was probably a massive heart attack. I found him face down wedged between furniture and making grunting noises. I called 999 but it took me ages to get him out and on his back as he is big and I am small. I did cpr and the paramedics worked on him for over an hour but there was no response. My poor kids witnessed a lot of this (9 and 6). I am lost. I keep imagining if I’d just got him out quicker and started cpr sooner he might still be alive. How do I stop picturing his face as he died? I miss him so much and the kids are so young. I’m just not sure I can get through it

@Etotheipiplus1equals0 - I also think it sounds as though you have PTSD, entirely understandably, all things considered. I hope you can find a therapist who can help you with that - EMDR is a useful tool to help reduce the impact of the PTSD, so that may be the best route.

((((hugs)))) for you and your family. Stay strong, one foot in front of the other and you will get there.

So sorry for your loss. Thinking about you xx

Sorry for your loss. Every first will be the hardest, first birthday gone, first Christmas, first new year. But it gets easier and you cling onto knowing it does. You won't get over it but you will get through it, and each day you'll get stronger. Grieve for how long it takes, until you wake up smiling again.

Thanks everyone. I’m not sure if I have PTSD - they feel more like memories than flashbacks - but the therapist I’m seeing on Friday does do EMDR so I should be able to get it if needed. I’m having some sort of assessment to see what I need.
Going back to work was ok - wasn’t in for long just collected some work to take home and caught up with some colleagues. I hope it will be a useful distraction but work know that I may have to go off again if it’s too much. Will just have to see.
Interested to know what comments were removed?!
I have already joined WAY and have been getting some support from them.
Can’t scroll back far enough to see the name but a poster mentioned their friend’s parents never getting over their brother’s death. I really don’t want my children to look back and see this as the point when everything became awful. Of course it will have a massive impact on them but i want them to still have happy lives. DH adored our kids and he just wanted them to be happy, so that is my mission. It’s bloody hard and most of the time it’s ‘fake it til you make it’ but I am trying to make sure we have fun together so they see hope for the future as well as grief.

Op some comments were removed because they'd posted on the wrong thread. They weren't relevant or about your post.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband unexpectedly four years ago - he was diagnosed with cancer out of the blue and died 12 days later. The shock of that was bad enough so I can only imagine how something so sudden has affected you. You will be in shock at the moment and things will feel unreal for a while. Just go with it, because it’s your body’s way of protecting you and allowing you to go on ‘auto pilot’ in order to deal with essential things like funeral arrangements and child care.

Please don’t blame yourself for anything - it’s so easy to convince ourselves of what we should or could have done at the time, but this is with the 20-20 vision of hindsight after the event. You experience an absolute roller coaster of emotion after the loss of your life partner, and guilt is a natural part of that - you’ll look for a way to blame yourself even though you know you couldn’t have done any more. It will pass.

Your life will change in lots of ways in the coming months and it will be hard, but it does get easier - I won’t say better - but you do learn to live with the loss. Let your friends and family support you and lean on them for support when you need to. There is a wonderful website called “WayUp” which provides online support for those who have been bereaved. The link is way-up.co.uk. Everyone on the site is in the same boat - some are newly bereaved and some are further along the journey, but there is a wealth of kindness, advice and support there. They also arrange various meet ups for local groups in different areas - I have been to a few and they are really helpful and supportive - my local group got me through a very tough time after my husband died.

Be kind to yourself and do post again to let us know how you’re getting on. 💐

@Etotheipiplus1equals0

I’ve had 2 bursts of sleep but only about 45 mins each. Does anyone know, if he’s gone to the undertaker already does that mean they are not going to do a post-mortem? I just can’t work out what’s happening next. Will it already have been reported to the coroner or will I need to do that? The police were here as the air ambulance came - along with 2 ambulances and an ambulance car- but they said they were happy to leave as there was no suspicious circumstances. So I don’t know if that means they won’t try and work out what killed him for definite. I feel like it would help to know for sure.

I've clicked on quote and now can't see other answers so apologies if you've had other responses to this. The Coroner will decide if there needs to be a pm. You will hear very soon. Everyone is nice and professional and supportive.

Someone has already mentioned doing things to keep your brain active like plying Tetris or word games apparently work too. This is to help prevent/lessen PTSD. Here's a study, if you or anyone else want to read it www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5678449/

It is shit, it feels shit - and eventually you will pick up your life again. If only for the children, initially.

I've had two sudden unexpected bereavements in the last couple of years - my son and and my husband. I know the torture of all the 'if only I'd .....' thoughts, and in some way, one has to come to terms with that. Counselling can help.

I've found that relaxation techniques don't work for me when I'm very stressed, with intrusive thoughts. Podcasts and radio 4 programmes work for me, just having a voice talking about something totally different helps me switch off enough to sleep.

Keep posting we're here for you.

I'm so sorry for your loss, my thoughts are with you and your family x

@MobyDicksTinyCanoe thank you. Just curious.

For recent posters just to let you know this is an old post- my husband died on the 24th February. It’s all very raw still of course but it hasn’t just happened as the post suggests. It has been confirmed as a heart attack.

Thank you @pam290358. I’m so sorry you’ve experienced so much grief, it’s just awful. I’m glad to hear you say the guilt passes. I feel guilty about so much- not just from that day but from what I could have done differently over the years that may have made a difference. I know that he made his own choices but it’s still so bloody hard x

@Etotheipiplus1equals0

Thanks everyone. I’m not sure if I have PTSD - they feel more like memories than flashbacks - but the therapist I’m seeing on Friday does do EMDR so I should be able to get it if needed. I’m having some sort of assessment to see what I need. Going back to work was ok - wasn’t in for long just collected some work to take home and caught up with some colleagues. I hope it will be a useful distraction but work know that I may have to go off again if it’s too much. Will just have to see. Interested to know what comments were removed?! I have already joined WAY and have been getting some support from them. Can’t scroll back far enough to see the name but a poster mentioned their friend’s parents never getting over their brother’s death. I really don’t want my children to look back and see this as the point when everything became awful. Of course it will have a massive impact on them but i want them to still have happy lives. DH adored our kids and he just wanted them to be happy, so that is my mission. It’s bloody hard and most of the time it’s ‘fake it til you make it’ but I am trying to make sure we have fun together so they see hope for the future as well as grief.

I lost my dad at 13. There is definitely a 'before' and an 'after' but my life now is very happy with my own DH and DS. I won't say there haven't been some dark times and I still miss him now and mourn all the things he never got to participate in, but I am as 'over' his death as it is possible to be in these circumstances