My husband died suddenly today- I couldn’t save him

[Etotheipiplus1equals0]

My 48 year old husband died this morning. We don’t know why but it was probably a massive heart attack. I found him face down wedged between furniture and making grunting noises. I called 999 but it took me ages to get him out and on his back as he is big and I am small. I did cpr and the paramedics worked on him for over an hour but there was no response. My poor kids witnessed a lot of this (9 and 6). I am lost. I keep imagining if I’d just got him out quicker and started cpr sooner he might still be alive. How do I stop picturing his face as he died? I miss him so much and the kids are so young. I’m just not sure I can get through it

@seven201

Etotheipi's sister here. Sadly the autopsy was inconclusive so we have an interim death certificate while waiting for results from samples sent off. That was a real blow but the funeral is now booked. The kids are going back to school on Monday which will hopefully be good for them.

I knew cpr had a low success rate but I didn't realise it was only 4%, that's shocking.

That's sad to hear - I'm sorry the results were inconclusive.

Hope that the kids' return to school did help them, and they got good support at school from friends and staff.

Has the funeral happened now? I hope that @Etotheipiplus1equals0 is getting lots of support and that it will continue after the funeral, as that is when most support usually drops off (not from family, but from friends)

to you all.

I am so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family.

So sorry for your loss. I hope you have people who can rally around you. There are certainly a plethora here too.

Just posting about seeing your DH's face, if it is to be of any help to you or anyone.
I saw my dad's face as he was dying too, though totally different and not so sudden circumstances. I remembered it for quite some time. About say 6 months. But gradually the memory faded, like things tend to do.

I hope you get a lot of support and comfort from those around you in your very difficult time and circumstances.

Sorry for loss.

So sad for you op, I hope the paramedics reassured you that you did all you could. I found my mum after shed had an anuerism. I kept thinking if only id got there sooner. The coroner explained to me that even if id been there i couldnt have done anything and she'd have known nothing about it. Be kind to yourself

Sorry for loss op

I’m so very sorry OP. 💐

I am so sorry for your loss and what you and your children are going through. I had a similar experience many years ago.

The ambulance staff took time to tell me very firmly there was nothing I could have done. Although I didn’t entirely believe them I think it would be worth you asking for confirmation of this - I’m sure they or GP would be able to give it! Would agree with PP who recommend counselling, I didn’t have it and would have benefited..

I am so sorry for your loss, that must have been horrific.

I lost my dad suddenly when I was aged 7. Please, please get you and your children children counselling/therapy and read up on how grief can impact someone so young. They may do a lot of their grieving in their teenage years rather than now.

Hi everyone. Thank you for your messages and I’m so sorry for everyone who has also been through this- it’s truly shit.
We are doing ok. The kids are coping better than me to be honest, their resilience is amazing. I am aware that their grief is very different and have sought advice from Winston’s wish on how to help them. One is having counselling at school (draw and talk therapy) the other doesn’t want it at the moment and the advice I have is not to push it yet, to give it a few months. I start counselling on Friday which I hope will help.
I am talking to lots of people, we are lucky to have a lot of support. But I am so emotionally drained. Being upset so often is bloody exhausting. Work have been amazing and I am starting a very phased return today so will see how that goes, I’m hoping it is some distraction.
The one bit i just can’t talk about is the horror of that morning, finding him and trying to save him, the kids crying and screaming. Replaying it where I acted differently and the outcome was different. I hope counselling can help with that part. I feel stronger than I dud but still very broken. I’m determined to keep going for the kid’s though.

So good to hear from you. You sound like an amazingly strong woman. Pleased that the kids are doing great for now at least. Pleased also that you are seeking help yourself.
Sending lots of warm wishes.

I feel stronger than I dud but still very broken. I’m determined to keep going for the kid’s though

After I had a sudden and traumatic bereavement like yours, the one thing that kept me going was wanting to make a normal childhood for my other children.

I remembered a close friend from university who once said to me “ I suppose I did have a happy childhood but my parents never got over my brother’s death “ ( when he was 12 ) .

I didn’t want that to be my kids. It helped me just keep going, putting one foot in front of the other, day by day. Not looking too far ahead on the days when it’s really really tough and you think that pain will never go away and it’s impossible to ever be happy again.

for you and your family.

Good to hear that you all have support available. Counselling will be really helpful in helping you get out all the things you can’t talk about. There will be a lot and counselling will provide you with that safe offload space and time. Wishing you all the very best for yours and your children’s recovery from your loss and trauma xxxx

Op my heart breaks for you, l am so very sorry for your loss.

I'm so very sorry. That sounds like an awful shock for you and your dc. Sending you virtual hugs.

Please don't blame yourself - you did all you could.

The images and memories will fade over time, but you might find bereavement counselling helpful in time. 💐

I’m so sorry. That’s so sad and so devastating. Traumatic visions and memories start to fade with time until you remember the person how they were in life and not how they were at the end. Obviously it’s far too early for that now for you as your brain is struggling to make sense of any of it. The only thing I know, is that you will come through it and you will all be happy again but for now that is no comfort, I know. Children are more resilient than you think though. I hope you have people around you to look after you all until you are strong enough to take over.

So sorry for your loss. You're very brave going back to work so soon. Take it easy, and don't be surprised if you feel like the world is going 100 miles an hour around you. It's a big adjustment. If you have a phased return, it needs to look longer than a couple of weeks and not just on a physical phased return. Reduced duties could be an option. Above all, be kind to yourself and don't heap the weight of work related expectation on top of everything else. That said, it may be a distraction for you, along with the routine. Good luck today.

@Etotheipiplus1equals0

I can’t sleep. My daughter has only just dropped off and now every time I feel myself drifting my brain jerks me out of it. My daughter said she’s worried about me dying too and then she will be an orphan and have nobody. I must stay physically and mentally well for the kids.

This was a huge worry for my 10yo DD when her dad died. I put things in place which helped her a lot. So very sorry for your loss.

@Etotheipiplus1equals0, I'm so sorry, and I really feel for you. (I lost my DP very suddenly too, 5.5 months ago, also a cardiac event, and I remember only too well the awful shock and despair).

Take every bit of support and help you can, and talk to as many of the people who also loved him as you can. I found talking to my DPs mother and sister especially comforting. And cry - don't ever be afraid of embarrassing people with your grief.

If you have someone close, friend or family, who can come and stay for a few days so that you don't have to worry about the day-to-day practicalities, that will help. I got some really valuable support from the bereavement board on here, too.

And you couldn't have done any more. The hospital told me that even if they'd saved my DP, his heart was damaged that he would have been really quite disabled, and he would have hated that. I found that somewhat comforting.

He sounds a lovely man, and I'm truly sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your loss 💐

I'm so sorry to hear your loss x

Op it’s good to hear you’re holding it together, as hard as that is. Your brain needs to replay what happened, it’s normal and ultimately will help. Also you can tell us on here about it, I hope that helps too.

Im so sorry for your loss