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Bereavement

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My husband died suddenly today- I couldn’t save him

386 replies

Etotheipiplus1equals0 · 24/02/2021 20:57

My 48 year old husband died this morning. We don’t know why but it was probably a massive heart attack. I found him face down wedged between furniture and making grunting noises. I called 999 but it took me ages to get him out and on his back as he is big and I am small. I did cpr and the paramedics worked on him for over an hour but there was no response. My poor kids witnessed a lot of this (9 and 6). I am lost. I keep imagining if I’d just got him out quicker and started cpr sooner he might still be alive. How do I stop picturing his face as he died? I miss him so much and the kids are so young. I’m just not sure I can get through it

OP posts:
Bmidreams · 25/02/2021 07:40

You've a long way to go, op. Please make contact with the specialist groups mentioned. Its good that the children will be back at school which will provide them with routine and distraction. And additional support. It might be good to contact your own GP for support. They can prescribe things for you. You may not want this yet, but it is an option, and you can get signed off work so you don't have that to worry about.

crumpet · 25/02/2021 07:42

I am so sorry that you all had to experience this, and also for your loss.

It will also have been a horrendous shock for you all, which in itself will take time to process. Be kind to yourselves and just do whatever you need to to do to get through each hour, each day, for the moment x

Ynwa12345 · 25/02/2021 07:44

Wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss. You are stronger than you think. Lots of virtual hugs x

KindnessCrusader · 25/02/2021 07:54

I'm so sorry Thanks

saffire · 25/02/2021 07:55

My heart is breaking for you. Your poor children, I'm glad you've got family with you, you need them there.

I know everyone is saying don't blame yourself, but you will, even if deep down, logically there was nothing you could do, you will always think "what if...". I don't if that feeling goes, I still feel that about my mum. She died 5 months ago in front of me, and yet I still feel so many regrets.

It's early days yet, but arranging some counselling for the children would probably be useful. And for yourself too.

I know you can't eat, I was like that for weeks, despite being the other way usually. Have something little and often, otherwise you will feel ill.

Sending love to you and your children Thanks

Notonthestairs · 25/02/2021 08:00

I'm so sorry about your husband. He sounded like a lovely man.

I'm sure you are in shock and feeling numb. Take each hour as it comes, lean on your family. If you need more information regarding the hospital I'd ring your GP they will explain. And the children's teachers.

Over the next few weeks/months have a think about bereavement support like Cruise. I left bereavement counselling late (8 years) and wish I'd got help earlier.

Notonthestairs · 25/02/2021 08:01

Sorry I didn't explain that very well, we found the school very helpful for having suitable books about losing a loved one and information about support services.

Lochmorlich · 25/02/2021 08:13

OP i used to work in pathology.
I want to reassure you that if a post mortem is carried out on your dh the pathologists will never lose sight of the fact that he was a person with family who loved him.
Everything that needs to be done is carried out in the most respectful way possible.

132orbust · 25/02/2021 08:36

@Etotheipiplus1equals0

Whoever said ‘you will have the driest mouth’ is so right. I am drinking so much water but it’s making no difference. Thank you for the messages everyone. This is so very shit.
That was me - it is the shock. The only thing I found that worked was sucking Smints ( also helped settle my tummy a bit as I felt like I might vomit constantly). You were my first thought when I woke up this morning, I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. Just put one foot in front of the other as best you can and taken any help you are offered.
dottiedodah · 25/02/2021 08:41

I am so sorry for your loss .My own Dad died suddenly of a HA in the night, as well nearly 50 years ago and I still miss him dreadfully ,even though I have my own family .Please go easily on yourself .It is very difficult to save someone with CPR in this position . You did everything you possibly could .Have a look into some counselling for you all if you can.

FlatEarthling · 25/02/2021 09:25

I'm so sorry very sorry to read your post, it's heartbreaking.
A virtual hug from my family to yoursThanksThanks

Cissyandflora · 25/02/2021 09:42

I’m so terribly sorry for you and your children. I don’t know how you’ll find your way through this. But you will. Your husband sounds like such a lovely man. I wish you the strength to get through each day.

Something very similar happened to one of my neighbours less than a year ago. He died suddenly leaving two young children and it’s been incredible to see how strong and resilient mum and children have been ever since. They have somehow got through it although it must be so difficult. Children are wonderful.

I wish I could magic your pain away but it’s just going to be a process. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Salome61 · 25/02/2021 11:09

Morning, I'm glad you had a small amount of rest.

My husband hadn't been to the doctor for over a year, and he had a post mortem too. The coroner was very kind when he rang with the results.

This checklist really helped me during the first few awful weeks.

www.gov.uk/after-a-death

ArabellaScott · 25/02/2021 15:40

My love, you are in shock. Be as gentle as you can be to yourself.

Etotheipiplus1equals0 · 25/02/2021 16:04

I’m struggling so much. Luckily the kids are doing a bit better. We have loads of support which means a lot to us. But I just can’t believe he’s never coming home. He’s been working at home and not even going out for walks for so long- I have longed to just have the house to myself for 5 minutes as we’re all on top of each other with home schooling. Now what I wouldn’t give to have him sitting at the kitchen table with his radio 6 music blaring all day. God I miss him so much

OP posts:
Etotheipiplus1equals0 · 25/02/2021 16:05

On a practical note apparently I have to register his death within 5 days but I have to wait to hear from the coroner after the post-mortem. Does anyone know how long that is likely to take please?

OP posts:
132orbust · 25/02/2021 16:25

3 days is how long it took with my friend's DH last month.
One foot in front of another and Smints to relieve your dry mouth and settle your tum x

DonLewis · 25/02/2021 16:29

My dad died in very similar circumstances last year. The hospital took an age to issue the death certificate (I can't remember now why the GP didn't do it) and the coroner was involved. I couldn't register his death within 5 days, but I spoke to the coroner and the registrar about it and it was fine.

I'm so sorry about your dh. Life can be so terribly cruel. Flowers

TeaSoakedDisasterMagnet · 25/02/2021 16:34

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Is there anyone who can do some phoning around for you to try to find out more details about the post Mortem, or contact the coroner for you?

PurpleMustang · 25/02/2021 16:50

I am so sorry for your loss. Please be gentle on yourself. If he was not complaining of feeling unwell beforehand then it was likely a Sudden Cardiac Arrest. Heart Attack you are conscious and they term it as a 'plumbing' problem, so something is blocked. Cardiac Arrest is termed as 'electrical' problem and your heart suddenly stops you are unconscious with sometimes no warning. (To be too technical but the heart actually shakes not stops). There is an 8% chance of surviving an OOHA (out of hospital arrest) the only way to get them back is CPR until a defibrillator arrives (to reset the shaking). Or it could of been a heart attack that lead to an arrest. You did amazing, you tried to save him as did the medics. Please, please do understand if it was an arrest these happen to everybody and anybody. It does not matter on your age (it happens to children even), how fit he was, what he did that day, what he ate that day. They can just happen. Please make sure you are open with your children and tell them they can talk to you. And that if they can't that you will get them someone (professional) that they can. And try to reassure them in a practical sense, they will now worry about you, do they know how to dial 999, your address, keys to open the door, neighbours to knock on. It will help just calm some worries. Big hugs

Booboospud · 25/02/2021 16:57

I’m
So sorry for your loss and what you have been through xx

SynchroSwimmer · 25/02/2021 17:01

The thirst, you might drink and drink with little to no urine output at first and then the urine output catches up a day or two later.

Accept any and all help that is offered is my advice, putting the bins out, cutting the grass, errands, collecting your children, and meals if offered.

Suggest getting an A4 notebook - just make a list, write down things as they come to mind. The list will look and seem overwhelming - but so long as it”s written down, you can deal with things in differing timescales, and take some of the weight out of your mind.

If friends ask what they can do to help - please do pick things from the list that you can delegate.

Maybe just achieve one or two things a day - and that’s enough.
Maybe in the morning, or whenever your best time is, then stop and just rest in the afternoon for example.

I wouldn’t be in a hurry to tell organisations - it can wait. For example maybe don’t rush to tell your bank - let it just continue running itself for now if you can (my bank were shocking and just added to my problems)

Try and regulate your breathing with some deeper breaths sometimes, as best you can.

As others say, just concentrate on getting through the next 10 minutes, the next hour. Try not to think beyond that just now.

So very sorry for your loss.

Lachimolala · 25/02/2021 19:37

OP this might sound random, but it’s a tip from the midwives that cared for me when my daughter passed. I couldn’t eat or drink a thing, I just couldn’t face it. She told me to eat watermelon because it’s full of water to keep you hydrated and sugar for your electrolytes. It popped into my head today whilst I was thinking about you, I thought I’d pass it along for in case it makes life a little simpler for you right now.

Etotheipiplus1equals0 · 25/02/2021 20:00

He was just the best dad. He cared about the kids so deeply. My eldest is in pieces tonight. I just want to fix this but I can’t. I feel
So broken.

OP posts:
Newyorkmorning · 25/02/2021 20:05

I'm so very sorry for your loss x