My husband died suddenly today- I couldn’t save him

[Etotheipiplus1equals0]

My 48 year old husband died this morning. We don’t know why but it was probably a massive heart attack. I found him face down wedged between furniture and making grunting noises. I called 999 but it took me ages to get him out and on his back as he is big and I am small. I did cpr and the paramedics worked on him for over an hour but there was no response. My poor kids witnessed a lot of this (9 and 6). I am lost. I keep imagining if I’d just got him out quicker and started cpr sooner he might still be alive. How do I stop picturing his face as he died? I miss him so much and the kids are so young. I’m just not sure I can get through it

So sorry for your loss, please don't think you could have done more or blame yourself.

What a dreadful ordeal. So sorry for you.

Highly doubtful that there is anything done differently that would have saved him. Not with heart failure. Please don't fault yourself.

Whoever said ‘you will have the driest mouth’ is so right. I am drinking so much water but it’s making no difference.
Thank you for the messages everyone. This is so very shit.

Do you have any melatonin to aid sleep?

He sounds like a wonderful man who would want his family to continue to enjoy life. Hard as that is now.

I am so sorry

My dad died suddenly like this . You did everything you could . What a trauma for you all. I’m so sorry for your loss. You will get through this . Take it hour by hour , minute by minute. Xx

@salsmum

I lost my step dad to a massive heart attack in 1987 and still remember it as if it was yesterday. I'd paid for mum to have her hair done for Mother's Day and she wasn't there... if he'd passed 10 minutes later he'd have been on his own as we were all heading off that day while he waited for mum to return. He was 54 and a strong truck driver and the best SD ( our own dad died when my DB and I were 2 and 4) mum met our SD later in life. Although my DH was trained in first aid poor SD was 'dead before he hit the floor' then I was in my early 20s and had to tell DM when she came home after the ambulance had taken SD. I still remember my late DM reaction and how her heart broke. My consolation is both with my SD and my DH ( also in 50s and heart attack) that their last moments were spent with those who loved them, that will give you comfort in the weeks and months to follow. You will get sad, mad and even resentful but it's a process that you have to go through in order to heal and you will also find you will be strong for your children who's grief may come out on many different ways. I send you the biggest hug and strength as one who feels your pain. Xx

So terrible

Xx

I'm so sorry, you will feel both numb & that you didn't do enough to save him, it is normal so soon afterwards. Don't bottle up your feelings, talk to someone, your family, friends or on here. It may help to speak to your GP who will be able to explain exactly what happened & how even if he had been in hospital the outcome would have been the same. Don't try to look too far in to the future, try to get through short spaces of time, hour by hour if you have to. Concentrate on eating & sleeping for now, don't be afraid of asking your GP for something to help you sleep. Your dc will be in shock as well & probably frightened that they may lose you, give them lots of cuddles which will help all of you. Accept any offers of help, food time, someone to listen. It will take time but things will get better

I'm so sorry. What a shocking situation for you and the children. The reality of it is that if it was a massive heart attack I'm afraid then cpr was unlikely to be successful. I've nursed a number of people post and during heart attacks.

Please don't blame yourself. You may need some counselling because it will have left you with some PTSD as you rerun the situation over and over. Take care op 💐

It is indeed very shit. Very very shit.

With DD, I think all you can do really is reassure her you feel well, you eat sensibly, you exercise & you feel well & thsts it's incredibly unusual for someone to die suddenly and that you intend to be here fir a very long time! Do you have arrangements re the kids in the event of your death? If you do, then tell her who would look after them. If you don't it's something you (in time) need to think about and sort with who you'd prefer. She'll feel more secure knowing what would happen.

Sorry to hear about you tinnitus too, that must be really annoying, hopefully it'll go away again!

I'm not a very good example tonight! But often I'll put Dr John Campbell on my iPad (you tube. His videos are Covid related and interesting, but I often fall asleep. (Not tonight🙄).

Hopefully you are asleep now 😴

So sorry

I’m so sorry. Thinking of you and your children x

I'm so very sorry. It's such a huge shock to you. Don't hesitate to see about a small course/few tablets of valium or xanax. It helped a lot when my father passed and my 1st husband passed.

If it helps both you and your DC, have them sleep with you for a while. My DC wanted to when their father passed even though they were a bit older.

I’ve had 2 bursts of sleep but only about 45 mins each.
Does anyone know, if he’s gone to the undertaker already does that mean they are not going to do a post-mortem? I just can’t work out what’s happening next. Will it already have been reported to the coroner or will I need to do that? The police were here as the air ambulance came - along with 2 ambulances and an ambulance car- but they said they were happy to leave as there was no suspicious circumstances. So I don’t know if that means they won’t try and work out what killed him for definite. I feel like it would help to know for sure.

@Etotheipiplus1equals0

So sorry for your tragic news. There will most likely need to be a post mortem as a doctor will not usually certify reason for death if they haven't seen him within 72 hours. There is an exception to that in the current Covid regs if they certified Covid..which clearly isn't the case.

Once the PM is done the corner will decide and release his body to you.

Ok thank you. So do the undertakers just keep him and then they will take him for a post-mortem? The paramedic gave us some time wort work to give them but I forgot.

That should say *gave me paperwork to give them

You could not have done more than you did. In time, I hope you will take comfort in knowing he was loved and would have felt it by your presence. There are things that are beyond out control and death is one of them. My brother died suddenly at 46 and grieving has been long and complicated. This will be too. But you cannot make yourself sick with what ifs. I am so sorry for your loss.

I’m so sorry for your loss. 💐

I’m so very sorry OP

I think with every sudden death there is a post mortem, unless they have seen a gp within 3 weeks. I'm so sorry, op. I've been through something similar and it will be ok in time.

I just want to fast forward to that time when it’s ok because living with my thoughts right now is torture

I imagine this is absolutely devastating for you. Please reach out to people x

Sorry for your loss x , chances of recovery from a cardiac arrest are extremely low outside a medical setting , so you did everything you possibly could .

I'm so, so sorry OP.

@Etotheipiplus1equals0
"Ok thank you. So do the undertakers just keep him and then they will take him for a post-mortem? The paramedic gave us some time wort work to give them but I forgot."

They most likely will have taken him to the mortuary which most likely is part of your local hospital where they will do the PM.