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Original poster

My DD has shown no empathy for my twin who lived with us

168 replies

Littlek0406 · 30/10/2020 00:12

My DD 12 has shown no empathy for my twin who lived with us for 10 years.

DD has only cried twice, once when her Auntie passed away & at the funeral.

We received some flowers & a card tonight, myself & her Nan just fell apart (it’s 2 months today when she passed) & three of us we’re hugging me & Nan we’re sobbing & my DD pretended to be upset but wasn’t crying then wiped her eyes.

I just don’t understand it, DD was so close her like her 2nd mum really.
I’ve always thought she might be borderline autistic & my twin did too.

I’m just getting more annoyed with her & I know that’s not right ☹️

OP posts:
wobytide · 30/10/2020 00:16

Children/teenagers brains work very different to the adult brain.

Sorry for your loss but it's really as blunt as it is, don't beat yourself up over it and you will both grieve on your own way over time

ReturnfromtheStars · 30/10/2020 00:19

I'm sorry for your loss. Loosing your twin must be incredibly hard. Your DD might just grieve differently.

Iggypoppie · 30/10/2020 00:24

I only cried once when my great aunt who I loved dearly died. But I still think about her 30 years later. 12 year olds don't dwell in one state for long. Plus she is probably overwhelmed by seeing her mum and grandmother upset, that is scary for a child as they depend on you for their sense of security.

BackforGood · 30/10/2020 00:24

Annoyed with her ?? For reacting differently ??

I'm going to take it that you aren't thinking as you normally would, due to your grief, as that is not a nice thing to say, nor, in my book a normal way to speak about your dd.

I am really sorry for your loss, and your Mum's loss. Losing a twin must be incredibly hard, and I think losing your child must be the hardest things to bear. But you need to accept that the loss is different for your dd, and that her brain is developing differently from yours. Even two adults can grieve very differently from one another.

maxelly · 30/10/2020 00:26

[Flowers]. I am so so sorry about your sister, that must be so hard. Please do try to not see your DD's reaction as selfish or meaning she doesn't care, 12 is such a hard age, they look so grown up and they can act very mature at times, but inside they are still children really, she may not fully be able to 'see' the finality of death or really understand what you and your mum are going through. She may be burying her emotions or confused about what she feels, scared about the future, feel like she needs to act brave to support you, who knows.

Plus some people just aren't cryers (or not in front of others) and falling apart on each other isn't for everyone or necessarily a sign of autism, it may just be how she is. It doesn't mean she didn't care for her aunt very very deeply. Her emotion may come out later, when you/she least expect it, or in unusual ways like anger or anxiety. Hard as it is I would try not to pressure her or show that you expect her to behave in a certain way. Tell her it's OK to still do 'normal' comforting things like watch her favourite TV and spend time with her friends, and perhaps also try and find ways you can grieve together - things like sharing memories or talking about how you feel, or simply sitting and holding hands can be so comforting. Tell her you/nan may cry when you do this, she may not, that's OK (she may actually find the sight of you going to pieces really scary and that may be making her freeze up even more - not saying you should 'pull yourself together' or anything, not at all, you need to grieve in your own way too, but simply talking to her about grief and helping her see the process may really help her understand). Also if you want/need some space from her then that is fine too, doesn't make you a bad mother or anything. Later down the line some counselling for you and for her could be helpful.

dalmatianmad · 30/10/2020 00:28

I'm sorry for your loss, please give your Daughter a break. Sometimes kids see death in a very different "black and white" way.

DodgeRainClouds · 30/10/2020 00:33

My sister couldn’t cry for months when our dad died. She just couldn’t let go and grieve. You need to grieve in you way and let your daughter grieve in her own way. She could be subconsciously staying strong for you and will hit her later on when she feels it is safe to do. Children react very differently to death, their brains find it hard to process so protects them by almost shutting it out.

Legooo · 30/10/2020 00:33

Try to see this from your daughters perspective.

You have lost a sister, your mum has lost a daughter. Condolences.

But that isn’t the same as losing an aunt (even a much seen loved one) it just isn’t.

Frankly (though not sure if I should be as frank as this) it all sounds very melodramatic, grabbing each other and sobbing over a card three months later...and worse dragging the 12 year old in to it and then getting annoyed she wasn’t weeping on cue.

Thewiseoneincognito · 30/10/2020 00:41

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YerAWizardHarry · 30/10/2020 00:44

@Thewiseoneincognito really?? She was likely just copying the actions of those around her because she assumed it was the right thing to do. It must have been a very awkward situation for her to feel as though she SHOULD be feeling/acting in a specific way

Itisbetter · 30/10/2020 00:44

It’s none of your business how she grieves. You are so wrong on this one. (And not weeping at flowers is NOT a sign of autism)

ChristopherLillicrap · 30/10/2020 00:45

@Thewiseoneincognito

Isn’t it a psychopathic trait to pretended to show emotion when you don’t feel it? Be careful...
Or maybe she's picked up on the fact that her mum will be annoyed at her if she doesn't join in with the hugging and sobbing?
HeddaGarbled · 30/10/2020 00:46

Do you really want your own daughter to be a sobbing wreck? It actually seems cruel to try to make her more upset. Normality with the odd moment of private or low-key grief would be much better for her.

Empathy means understanding how other people are feeling. If she was hugging you when you were upset, and pretending to be upset too, because she knew that’s what you wanted, that’s very empathetic of her.

lovelemoncurd · 30/10/2020 00:48

Don't tell someone else how to grieve! Grief is personal. She's probably internalising it and you will be shelling out £1000s in future for counselling so don't fret you will see it all then.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/10/2020 00:50

How do you know she wasn't upset?

QueenOfPain · 30/10/2020 00:50

She properly can’t get properly upset like you because she’s a child and she most likely doesn’t understand the gravity of death.

I fiercely loved my paternal grandparents but I could get rip roaringly upset about them dying, I cried initially and at the funeral and in my own private moments, but it was a long process of accepting the permanence and significance of it.

Now as an adult I’m far better place to feel that kind of pain, understand it and therefore empathise with the pain of others.

She just doesn’t have the emotional maturity that you’re expecting of her, and to be honest it’s a bit weird that you’d rather her be devastated rather than dealing with it in her own way. You should want the least trauma and upset for your children possible.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/10/2020 00:51

@Thewiseoneincognito

Isn’t it a psychopathic trait to pretended to show emotion when you don’t feel it? Be careful...
Or she was upset, but felt confused about why she wasn't crying and guilty so she pretended so her Mom wouldn't think she was horrid.
Original poster
Littlek0406 · 30/10/2020 00:51

@Legooo Flowers & card arrived tonight, if you had read my message it’s 2 months😡 Bloody hell a bit harsh, whatever happened to be kind?!

Thank you all for your kind messages

OP posts:
QueenOfPain · 30/10/2020 00:52

probably couldn’t get upset

Flushi · 30/10/2020 00:56

People show emotion differently, please don’t make her feel bad

Spreadingchestnut · 30/10/2020 00:56

Legooo I think you should ask to have your post removed. The op lost her twin sister only eight weeks ago. To accuse her of melodrama is heartless in the extreme.

Sorry for your loss op. There's lots of literature about teens and the development of the prefrontal cortex which temporarily makes them less empathetic. So I think your dd is physically unable to grieve as an adult would. I think it is some sort of biological and psychological process which allows them to focus on self-mastery before they become more open to others. And agree with others that a child of twelve may not be able to process how she is feeling exactly, or how to express it, so grief may emerge in different ways.

RiseUpWiseUpEyesUp · 30/10/2020 00:57

My grandad died when I was about 13, and I didn’t cry at all. I didn’t cry at the funeral either.

I adored him, it was nothing to do with not loving him, being a psychopath or having no empathy. It just didn’t come, I was more stunned and as pps have said you just don’t understand the gravity of it so young.

About 5 years later I burst into tears when thinking about him, I had no idea where it came from. I guess it just hit me.

Perhaps your daughter finds it hard to see everyone crying, or she is private about her emotions or is just trying to take it all in.

I’m sorry for your loss op Flowers

SleepingStandingUp · 30/10/2020 01:01

And tbf to her op she has shown empathy to you and your Mom by standing there hugging you both rather than shaking you Orr and storming to her bedroom. She might be sobbing, but she clearly understood you needed her there with you

Spreadingchestnut · 30/10/2020 01:03

@Thewiseoneincognito

Isn’t it a psychopathic trait to pretended to show emotion when you don’t feel it? Be careful...
Fhs what's wrong with people on here tonight? You are not obliged to post the first thing that comes in to your head you know.
Aquamarine1029 · 30/10/2020 01:03

Stop projecting your emotional response onto your daughter. You have no idea how she's feeling on the inside. She may be trying to hide her feelings in order to not make you even more upset. She may feel she needs to be strong and stable. Whatever the case, your daughter is 12, not an adult.

I'm very sorry about your sister, but you are not being fair to your daughter.