My DD has shown no empathy for my twin who lived with us

[Littlek0406]

My DD 12 has shown no empathy for my twin who lived with us for 10 years.

DD has only cried twice, once when her Auntie passed away & at the funeral.

We received some flowers & a card tonight, myself & her Nan just fell apart (it’s 2 months today when she passed) & three of us we’re hugging me & Nan we’re sobbing & my DD pretended to be upset but wasn’t crying then wiped her eyes.

I just don’t understand it, DD was so close her like her 2nd mum really.
I’ve always thought she might be borderline autistic & my twin did too.

I’m just getting more annoyed with her & I know that’s not right ☹️

There is a solid chance that she can’t fall apart yet - her mum and her grandmother are falling apart, her world has changed forever, so somebody needs to stay strong. In this case, its her. She will grieve in her own time, give her space (easier said than done!).

I'm an adult and I rarely cry at funerals. Doesn't mean I don't feel sad though. She's only 12. You are being horrible. She's your child. She's your priority. You're letting your grief take over and you're taking that grief out on your DD. If you are struggling, get therapy. Don't lash out at her.

Do you seriously think she's autistic OP, or are you just using it as an insult?

I'm so sorry for your loss .

Please don't be angry with your DD. She is a child. She probably doesn't understand the full enormity of your and her loss yet.

Also, children crave normality following a bereavement. For example, it's not uncommon to see children who have lost a parent laughing and joking a few days later, not because they're not grieving but because they need 'permission' to be normal and not have their lives dictated by grief for a little bit. I remember as a teenager having the daughter of a friend of my mum's, a little girl about 9, stay with us for a few days soon after her dad had died because the mum wasn't coping. We took her out to loads of places, she had a great time and was smiling and laughing and, although there was the odd meltdown and she didn't like to sleep alone at night (I ended up sharing my room with her, which I was not pleased about as a 15 year old...), no one looking at her would have said this was a bereaved child. Yet she and her dad had doted on each other and she's needed counselling in the years since to cope with his loss (and sadly, also the effect it had on her mum, who was so grief-stricken that it was very difficult for her to provide her DD with a normal childhood after that or be there emotionally for her, as opposed to needing to be "cared for").

Please try to remember that your DD will grieve in her own way. Also that, unbearable as the loss of your sister must feel to you , it is your role to support your DD emotionally not the other way round.

She's being a perfectly normal child and you need to back off her. Grieve in the way that feels right to you and let her do the same.
I'd have been intensely uncomfortable in the situation you describe at her age and I'm not autistic. There is nothing wrong with her.

I meant nothing wrong with her reaction - not that being autistic is wrong if she were

OP, you are annoyed with your own child because she doesn't grieve the way you do? If there is a lack of empathy here it is yours, for your daughter.

I should feel sorry for your loss but I feel angry that you have chosen to scapegoat your child.

I am not a twin. Your loss must be devastating to you. People are often angry when a loved one dies. Do not take your anger out on a defenceless child who will be dependent on you for another ten years or so. Use this time to show her that you have proper love for her and respect for her feelings.

If she's autistic, she is in good company. So am I.

Presumably she is not saying anything hurtful like "Get over it"? If she was I agree that would be terrible.

I remember decades back at school when a much loved headmaster died. I was apparently the only child in the whole school who didn't cry. Boys were openly crying.. Did I not care? Of course I did. He was a rare bloke that everybody liked.

I did cry for my mum and dad when they died but not I think for my aunt although I was very sad but I think it was better for her to go then as she was getting very confused and was I think finding life hard. She was very lonely but would not let anyone in if you see what I mean.

I don't normally post of this section or discuss grief because my sons grief is private to him but OP I hope this helps you. My son was 15 when his very very much loved grand mother died I don't think I saw him cry that much TBH, except at the funeral although I was overwhelmed by my own grief that I may not really have noticed. A few months later his best friend was killed in a freak accident and again he cried at the funeral but I didn't see him cry at other times but he was absolutely devastated. He saw a chid bereavement counsellor and said that he could see how devastated I was by the death of his grand mother and felt that he had to be strong for me as I'd always been strong for him and that he didn't want to burden me with his sadness when I was so obviously struggling with mine. He also didn't feel ready to discuss his feeling about the death of either. Four years after the death of both he felt ready to request bereavement counselling and saw an amazing Cruise counsellor (I will be eternally grateful to them) who have helped him come to terms with his loss. Grief is a very personal thing you must be going through hell, but I can guarantee you DD is too, I suspect neither of you are in a position to truly support each other, just be there for each other but please do accept that we dont always grieve the same way. I would highly recommend specialised bereavement support for teenager and children, its not easy to find but just give your DD links to websites etc and leave her to work her way through this in the way that she's comfortable with.

I was 14 when my lovely grandad died, I cried once.

I still think of him forty years later, and remember him and his kindness vividly.

I agree that teenagers aren’t as easily affected sometimes.

Sorry for your loss.
It's not fair to expect your daughter to be in bits. She is 12 she could do with actually not being this way.
Everyone grieves differently. She might be keeping it together for you. Who knows.
You need to speak to her incase she is bottling it up.
I wouldn't focus on the fact she hasn't got tears pouring down her Face ID be more concerned what's going on in the inside.

I'd*

I remember feeling giggly at a funeral - I think it's embarrassment at the showing of emotion. But my DM seldom cried at the loss of elderly friends, was more just accepting it as this is what happens.
I am the same I think.

I think youre being very unfair

everyone grieves at different rates and in different ways, just because you do it in one way doesn't mean that your dd should automatically do it the same way and at the same time

the fact she did try to cry is worrying that she feels pressure that she should be grieving in a particular way

@Caeruleanblue. Giggling is quite a common grief response. I remember my cousin laughing after our grandmother died and she couldn't explain why, she was very upset.

I don’t understand why you are getting frustrated with her due to her not crying. I cried once after my mum died. Then I didn’t cry again for 5/6 years when I had a huge life change and cried due to missing her/wanting her there.
My uncle who lived with us growing up died and I didn’t cry around people. I had a few tears. I’ve always been the ‘strong’ one and haven’t felt able to cry or show that I’m struggling. I think you need to be careful that you aren’t forcing your daughter into being strong for the adults.

I think it’s completely normal for her age. My great nan died when I was a little older and I didn’t cry. Well, not in front of other people. I hate crying in front of other people and I think my sister and parents thought I was strange for not crying because they told me and I didn’t really respond or do anything.

My 12 year old son has experienced two deaths within the past couple of years. He cried a couple of times, but didn’t dwell on it and stay sad for a long time like an adult might. He does still get upset every now and then unexpectedly but I think he’d be much the same as your daughter. He also laughed awkwardly when we told him of a death which was unexpected to him at the age of 8. He seemed to think we were about to give him some kind of nice surprise or that we were joking. Then cried when it sunk in.

My 15 year old son has asd and is incredibly high functioning so most people wouldn’t realise. One thing that is a key feature for him is that he struggles to empathise and reacts to situations sometimes in unexpected ways, e.g showing very little emotion.

I know you’re hurting and I’m so sorry for the loss of your sister, but please try not to be cross with her. I admit I get frustrated with my son sometimes and I have to remind myself that a) we are all wired differently and b) there is no pattern for grief and it affects us all differently.

So sorry about the loss of your sister.

You and your Mum need to grieve in your own way but you don’t need your Dd to take part in the same process as you. It’s different for her in so many ways.

I do wonder what it might have been like, growing up in a household with your Mum and her sister. Quite intense?

I think you’re being a bit harsh to expect her to grieve in the same way as you.

When my Nan died I never cried. I loved her deeply and I miss her terribly. I still think of her daily.

I went through all the anger, upset, etc that others did but I did it internally.

Let your DD process this how she needs to and support each other.

You’re being unfair.

Everyone grieves differently, especially children. Just because she isn’t showing it in exactly the same way as you doesn’t mean she isn’t upset. Don’t take out your anger on her.

I'm not a crier , and I'm not autistic.
I lost a few members of my family recently and its affected me very deeply , I feel very sad and think about them most days but I just dont cry very much at all . Have never cried at a funeral, I hate it because people must think I dont care , but it's the way I am .
I was the same as a child/ teen as well

I was a bereaved child. My grief evolved alongside my emotional and cognitive development and I have revisited it and reprocessed it many times.

At 5, learning of a death I wanted to ride my bicycle.
At 10, I realised other children had parents and I didn’t. I was sad and also jealous.
As a teen, I was sad, disconnected and angry. Why me?
I was also aware of other people’s grief. How could I talk to grandparents and uncles when it upset them so much.
In my early twenties. I was fine. Absolutely fine about it. At least that’s what I told myself.
When I had children myself, I finally began to grieve for the childhood and the relationships I hadn’t had.
When I was 45, I finally went for counselling and with professional help, I was able to acknowledge and process my feelings.

OP, your daughter isn’t doing it wrong. She is doing it at her pace and in her way. It is likely that she will need your help as she processes this over time and I’m sure you will support her.

My little brother was 5 when my mum died and 12 when my dad died, he didn't cry much for either but missed and loved them both.

He was quiet and some of his behaviours changed but he didn't display sadness and grief the same as an adult.

Children process death differently to adults, they don't yet fully appreciate the meaning of forever and they can't relate to the sense of having lost someone and never seeing them again.

I am so sorry for your loss

Winstons wishes is a great charity that supports children through bereavement, you may find some good resources that explain how children relate differently on their website.

@Al1langdownthecleghole. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I can well believe that it took you until adulthood and your own children to come to terms with and appreciate its full extent.