My DD has shown no empathy for my twin who lived with us

[Littlek0406]

My DD 12 has shown no empathy for my twin who lived with us for 10 years.

DD has only cried twice, once when her Auntie passed away & at the funeral.

We received some flowers & a card tonight, myself & her Nan just fell apart (it’s 2 months today when she passed) & three of us we’re hugging me & Nan we’re sobbing & my DD pretended to be upset but wasn’t crying then wiped her eyes.

I just don’t understand it, DD was so close her like her 2nd mum really.
I’ve always thought she might be borderline autistic & my twin did too.

I’m just getting more annoyed with her & I know that’s not right ☹️

And just a quick add on to my earlier post @Littlek0406. Have a quick think about that issue with the card and flowers.

You're angry because she, in your view, pretended to be upset (to fit in with her mum and grandmother). But, if she hadn't pretended what would you have felt? Still angry? She's not going to win then is she? She can't be unemotional because, apparently, that's wrong. She can't pretend to be emotional because, apparently, that's wrong too. But she's not emotional. Whether that's autism, delayed grief, her way of coping, or she feels (as others have said) that someone has to 'hold it together', that's just her. There's no need for anger or harsh words. Just give her a cuddle and allow her to move to her next stage (which may be a huge outpouring at some point or may just be her carrying on as usual). But reassure her that it's fine to feel whatever she feels - if she does start feeling sad in a few months she needs to know you'll support her whatever she feels.

Everyone grieves in different ways - please remember that. No way is right or wrong

My DM died when I was 30 and as an only child I was responsible for everything to do with her funeral as well as being with her when she died.
I didn't cry at the funeral or when many of the flowers and cards arrived. Some cards did make me cry and still certain films we watched together make me cry.
I don't think that shows I am uncaring or unfeeling.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think my mother was confused by how I outwardly showed grief when my father died. I did not cry a lot in public and did not want to talk about it. I strongly suspect she thought I was uncaring, and hinted that I did not love him.

Nothing could be further from the truth, I just dealt with it by myself and in my own way.

And I would say (In regards to your daughter) she might feel that she is not the main mourner and should not distract you from your grief.

In any case, please give her a break. You cannot force her to feel something she does not feel, or express something that she wishes to keep quiet.

@TimeIhadaNameChange

Tbf I"m not sure how much I cried when my dad died. I'm sure people thought I was too young, at 6, to understand, but I did, i just didn't thin there was room for me to be upset. I remember being at church a few hours after he died with my mu and sister crying either side if me, thinking that someone had better be strong. Then afterwards I just found it too embarrassing to break down (and still do, my mother believes I'm devoid if emotion. Do not make that mistake.)

Bless you. I’m so sorry you still feel judged after all this time.

@OhGingleBells

I’m sorry for your loss. I was a bit older than your daughter, but when my grandmother died, it wasn’t until much later that I cried. When she first passed away, I felt like my grief couldn’t compare to what my mother must be feeling, and I didn’t want to make it about me or make her feel like she had to be strong for me or comfort me instead.

For a while afterwards, I would find myself getting really upset about silly, unrelated things which I guess was a way of allowing myself to grieve. I cried many tears for her but they didn’t come at the ‘expected’ time and often seemed unconnected. It will seem hard but do focus on thinking of happy memories and sharing how special and important to you she was for your sake and your daughter’s.

Sending love

I think this is absolutely key.

She's only 12! Nothing is wrong with her, she's just a child.
My great grandmother passed away when I was about 8. I thought I had to cry so forced myself, but in fact it just hadn't settled in yet because I didn't fully understand death.
When I was 16 I moved in with my Auntie for a job I got near where she lived. Shortly after she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. We were extremely close. She died when I was 18. I was in the room when she passed away and I didn't cry at all. My family where sobbing but I just sat quietly on the couch. I was in shock. My family never thought I was being rude, they knew how much I loved her. In the end my other Auntie had to force feed me water to bring me out of just sitting there like nothing had happened. I still didn't cry for a few weeks but my health suffered significantly. I got multiple infections including conjunctivitis and tonsillitis at the same time and was in hospital with a very bad fever. Now 8 years later I still cry for my Auntie. I send her facebook messages every year wishing her a happy birthday and I sometimes go to call her without realising.
There is nothing wrong with your DD we all experience grief differently!

What a completely judgemental post op. I have lost my mother, my father and my sister , two loved uncles and two cousins over the years. I was at the death of four of them. I miss my mum and dad daily. My sisters death was traumatic for.me still.miss her and think about her often 25 years later

I only cried a few times in each and every case. Crying is not necessary to feel sad and devastated

So sorry for your loss.

I barely cried when my beloved nan died. I sat with her in hospital for a week as she died, and I think I did a lot of my grieving while she was still alive (in body if not in mind). I cried at the funeral, but that was about it. A decade later I still think about her every day, miss her, get the urge to call her when I have a funny story.

A few weeks ago my cat died. I'd only had him for a few months, and he was absolutely fine until a few hours before his death. I cried buckets for DAYS, so much so that my entire body ached (according to the internet it's a common grief response).

It's not that I loved my cat more than my nan. It's partly because his death was a shock and hers wasn't, partly because I knew my nan wouldn't have wanted to live with her illness (she was always very vocal about that) whereas the poor cat was frightened and bewildered.

Please try not to hold this against your daughter. She's not unfeeling and she's trying to grieve "correctly" in your eyes - that's a stress she doesn't need at the moment. Just let her be.

Sorry for your loss OP. But when I was 9 my dad died very suddenly and I didn't cry about it for at least four years. And I am NT.

I struggle with empathy especially around death. I cannot deal with grief and I freak out when others close to me are grieving. I’m not autistic but it probably stems down to certain traumatic situations I’ve been through. However my mum knows this about me and respects it, when her aunt died she just said to me that she knew im rubbish with grieving so she will cry to my sister who is a lot better at that kind of thing. I cried once when my nan and grandad who basically raised me died. Sometimes it’s just not in someone’s personality to grieve by sobbing and wailing, some of us just can’t process death. Please be kind to her. It doesn’t mean she’s not sad.

I only cried once when my grandmother died. People grieve differently.

Now that I'm older, after 3 pregnancies (maybe that changes things) I'm easier to tear up but I still don't sob that easily.

You shouldn't get offended about your DD's reaction. Besides she did cry at the most emotional times. She might even have cried more times, but in private

For a while afterwards, I would find myself getting really upset about silly, unrelated things which I guess was a way of allowing myself to grieve. I cried many tears for her but they didn’t come at the ‘expected’ time and often seemed unconnected. It will seem hard but do focus on thinking of happy memories and sharing how special and important to you she was for your sake and your daughter’s

This is very important. My dad died when I was 12. For a year or so I focussed on supporting my mum, “being strong” etc.

When my grief did show it was in the form of getting upset over anything and everything. I’d argue, i’d cry.

Unfortunately it was all put down to me being a “moody teen” ,hormonal, a bitchy girl and all those other horrible girl stereotypes. I was threatened with being sent to live with relatives as my mum couldn’t “handle me” and I was making her life hell as a widowed mum.

I didn’t realise it was grief at the time. I believed I was a horrible moody child that everyone hated and didn’t know why I felt like I did.

So I never got help, my feelings were never heard, and I still suffer keeping everything inside.

Keep an eye. Get counselling.

@Mummyoflittledragon - thank you! Tbh is not so much judgement rather than my mother's refusal to accept that anything can affect me, one memorable time she rang me after I'd been in tears and told me that I hadn't really been upset earlier, had I? (It wasn't really a question, and only one answer was allowed). And more recently, when my sister totally dominated the first week I had where I could really show off my baby and I was upset she told me not to talk about it as she was upset, but then told me she hasn't thought I'd be so upset about it. If I'm not allowed to express my emotions is that really surprising?

So less judgement and more expectation that I'll take crap and not react.

blueblue
TimeIHad

I very much get where you’re both coming from. I manifest grief very openly. Yet was never given any compassion either. After my father died my mother never once comforted me. I was a teen, just turned 16, and everything was about her. Everyone rallied round her. No thought was put into me from external people, the vicar, the doctor etc because it was presumed she would be comforting and looking after me. I know it must have been incredibly hard. But just for once to be allowed to be upset and comforted instead of crying in my bedroom, bashing my head on the floor, biting myself, digging nails in to try to make the pain go away. My upset also denied. Just in a different way. But 12, gosh, seeing how my dd is at 12, that must have been so very hard. Interestingly, I was also supposedly a difficult teen. Except I wasn’t. I needed love and care. And I get Time that it isn’t a judgment. It just is so sad. I’ve had to cut off some family members for being expected to take emotional and physical abuse and not react. Even my mother says this is my fault.

@bluebluezoo and @Mummyoflittledragon - hugs to you both. It's not often I come across people who understand (other than on the Winston's Wish facebook page for adults who lost someone as a child - worthwhile looking at if you haven't already).

I remember asking my mum a few years ago if anyone had ever considered counselling for me as a child - apparently it wasn't thought necessary at the time. But of course, me bringing it up just made her feel bad so once again, I was told to shut up about it. When my grandmother died 15 years ago I desperately wanted some time to myself - I'd spent the summer holiday with my mother and wanted a break, so went back to my university town where I had friends for a few days, just so I could have some space to grieve. I'm not sure my mother has ever forgiven me for that - she could have gone to my sister's, but she's used to having me supporting her. I'm never entirely sure whether to feel guilty, as she had lost her mother, but at the same time I'd been there all the summer whilst my nan was dying.

I'm low contact with my sister. Would happily never see her again.

Everyone grieves differently. I cried buckets at my paternal gran’s funeral but my brother didn’t. One of us is autistic. It isn’t him.

I’d also mention that autistic women can be very sensitive and cry a lot. I’m one of them.

@TimeIhadaNameChange
Thanks and hugs to you too. And you did the right thing by prioritising yourself after your grandmother died. It sounds like you were around for some time before her death to support her and your mum. You were so little when your dad died. And your instincts were right. Your mother did expect support from you as you’d been doing it for years. Well done for recognising you needed to self care this time.

@Littlek0406 Lego's response was brutally honest but I actually think there's some merit in it.

You tell her to be kind but you're not being kind to your dd.

I am very sorry for your loss and your poor mum's but your dd is not a performing monkey, and she shouldn't have to act in a way that appeases you and your grief.

myself & her Nan just fell apart (it’s 2 months today when she passed) & three of us we’re hugging me & Nan we’re sobbing

This is a LOT for a child to have to deal with, honestly. I don't think she should be shielded from grief or the reality of death but Christ! She's a kid. She hasn't yet developed the emotional maturity to deal with her own feelings let alone such a - let's say obvious - display of grief.

She is the child here. She's also entitled to feel however she wants and to show it however she can.

Please don't forget to be kind yourself.