My DD has shown no empathy for my twin who lived with us

[Littlek0406]

My DD 12 has shown no empathy for my twin who lived with us for 10 years.

DD has only cried twice, once when her Auntie passed away & at the funeral.

We received some flowers & a card tonight, myself & her Nan just fell apart (it’s 2 months today when she passed) & three of us we’re hugging me & Nan we’re sobbing & my DD pretended to be upset but wasn’t crying then wiped her eyes.

I just don’t understand it, DD was so close her like her 2nd mum really.
I’ve always thought she might be borderline autistic & my twin did too.

I’m just getting more annoyed with her & I know that’s not right ☹️

People grieve in different ways.

The thing that still makes me angry about when my Mother died was going to a church service (huge church and just a coincidence) where they had a sermon about grief and talked about "the stages you go through" - there is no formula.
By expecting your DD to grieve in a certain way you are actually suppressing her natural expression of her emotions. She knows she is supposed to hug and cry - not get angry or go for long walks alone or reminisce or...
I don't think I cried that much when my Aunt died and I was very close to her as a child - seeing her most days apart from school. I didn't even cry that much when my Mum died - it would just hit me at times.

I hope she has someone outside the family she can talk to if she needs to - maybe a counsellor at school?

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.
We have lost two family members in the space of a year. I've found that the younger ones cry less, it could be that they don't fully understand the gravity of death, or just grieve differently. They do sorely miss those that have passed away, however.

Another thing with children and with teens is that they can get very frightened something will happen to you. All their emotional energy ends up going towards that fear. I've noticed that a lot- one of mine follows me around, doesn't want to go away from home/sleepovers, constantly making remarks about if I got Covid. The fear of losing another close adult or parent type figure is very strong and so they try to 'look after you' rather than join you in your grief.

I agree with previous posters. Children dont quite see death in the same way adults do. They don’t always get mortality and the finality of it. I know I’m more scared of death the older I get. When you’re young you don’t see beyond the next day. I remember when I was similar age to your dd when my Nan died. I’d been incredibly close to her - she had looked after me a lot. I cried once, but then a month later our dog escaped from our garden and we couldn’t find him. I cried every day for a week until he was found. My mum was cross as she said I’d shed more tears for my lost dog than I had for the recent death of my Nan.

@BackforGood

Annoyed with her ?? For reacting differently ??

I'm going to take it that you aren't thinking as you normally would, due to your grief, as that is not a nice thing to say, nor, in my book a normal way to speak about your dd.

I am really sorry for your loss, and your Mum's loss. Losing a twin must be incredibly hard, and I think losing your child must be the hardest things to bear. But you need to accept that the loss is different for your dd, and that her brain is developing differently from yours. Even two adults can grieve very differently from one another.

Agree with this .People always look for someone to take their grief and anger out on in times like this and I fear that this is what you are doing with your daughter . Don't make her your whipping dog @Littlek0406. My mother did that with me and it was horrible.

It must be very strange for her being with you both crying and falling apart. Particularly if she is on the spectrum. Just be kind to her and help her process things by remembering all the lovely times together and her illness. She’s young and may not be able to really take what your sisters death means

I went to four funerals between the age of 12 and 16, all for much loved aunts or uncles. I only remember crying at one and that was because my aunt broke down very suddenly and I had an overwhelming feeling of sympathy for her.

My mum died earlier this year and, whilst I cried on the day she died and the day before the funeral, I didn't cry at the funeral. She had dementia, had been ill with a chest infection that turned to pneumonia and had been in hospital for 6 weeks by the time she died. I think I was probably worn down by it all to be honest, plus, because we had entered lockdown by the time we got her funeral organised, it took a month to have the cremation after she died.

But that doesn't mean I didn't care for any of my aunts, uncles or my mum. I saw a programme on the TV the other day that featured a song that my aunt (who's now been dead over 40 years) used to love and I welled up. We celebrated DH birthday recently - it falls very close to mum's - and that was a wrench as we're normally doing something for her a few days later.

And, whether she has autistic traits or not, does it really matter? If lack of empathy is an autistic trait (I only know one child with autism and he is very empathetic so I can't comment), then that's the way she is.

My sister was in bits on the phone for weeks after mum died and bawled her heart out at the funeral. But that's not me. I grieve by remembering the happy side of the person's life more than I think about them being gone (maybe that's a defence mechanism to save me feeling too bad??)

The point is my sister wasn't wrong to be crying all the time and I wasn't wrong to not. We're different people with different ways of thinking, so we're bound to grieve in a different way.

I am sorry for your loss but don't worry about your daughter. Just talk to her now and then about her aunt, in general terms, if she wants to.

My father died when I was in my 20s. I adored my father and he adored me. I did not shed one tear. Nothing. I was hollow.

Dm, who was distraught, took out all her rage on me (like VivaMiltonkEynes) and it was awful.

Tbf I"m not sure how much I cried when my dad died. I'm sure people thought I was too young, at 6, to understand, but I did, i just didn't thin there was room for me to be upset. I remember being at church a few hours after he died with my mu and sister crying either side if me, thinking that someone had better be strong. Then afterwards I just found it too embarrassing to break down (and still do, my mother believes I'm devoid if emotion. Do not make that mistake.)

Death is very abstract for a 12 year old. And she was her aunt not her twin sister, there's a difference. I would be careful not to template your grief onto her, she's not you. Hopefully she has her own friends she can mix with and breath a little. I don't want to sound harsh but you can't bring her up in an atmosphere of crushing despair. You have your mother to share your grief. You don't need to get angry with a 12 year old.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
People grieve differently, OP.
A friend of mine barely cried when are DH died unexpectedly but it came pouring out whilst having a head massage!!!

People do process things differently, especially children. Let her get on with it.

@Littlek0406
"....I've always thought she might be borderline autistic ......."

Perhaps she is.

I am sorry for your loss. It must be incredibly hard

Please try not to judge your dd's reaction by your own. It could be she is unable to process ther grief in the same way as you at the moment.

To give you an example when I was 11 my grandmother passed away and I felt I couldn't grieve as everyone else was so upset and I felt I had to support them. 5 years later I attended the funeral of my mother's friend and broke down, my reaction was about my grandmother's death and not my mother's friend who I didn't know very well.

I never cried when my much loved grandfather died. He had been so ready to go after my grandmother passed and it was 11 years before he did. He wasn't sick just didn't wake up one day. I was sad off course but I also felt he got what he wanted and would be happy.

When my other grandfather died suddenly my knees went underneath me. I didn't love him more.

Grief is so personal

You're being so unreasonable, OP.

Children find bereavement really unsettling and no, they don't deal with it in the way adults do.

Your pressure to behave a certain way, coupled with, most likely, her fear and upset at seeing the adults in her life so distressed (INCREDIBLY stressful for children) is placing a huge amount of pressure on her.

It is very normal for children to become upset much further down the line.

I'm sorry your sister has passed, OP. You have no need to damage your child with such outrageous needs at a difficult time, though.

I was similar growing up and my mum would try and force emotion out of me. It just made me more resistant to her.

Leave her alone, she will grieve in her own time.

I’m sorry for your loss, OP, I can’t imagine the most pain of losing a sister.

When I was a child, my mum’s sister lived with us. She had very severe Downs Syndrome and many related issues. Understandably, lots of my parents resources were dedicated to her, often at the expense of their own children. There were so many things we couldn’t do and places we couldn’t go because of my aunt. She had a heart condition and a compromised immune system so we couldn’t have friends into the house in case they passed anything on to her.

When she died, we were upset but I didn’t grieve for her. She was family and I was sad she’d died, but I guess she’d just been such a negative presence for my entire childhood that I found it difficult to miss her. I felt more sad for my mother, and how upset she was.

Now, as an adult, I think I’d experience her loss differently, but as a child, I didn’t grieve.

I don’t blame my parents, BTW. They did what they had to do and, in their situation, I’d 100% take in a sibling with additional needs. But it’s very hard to get the balance.

Not sure if any of this is relevant to your sister and the scenario around why she was living with you, but I think people deal with loss very differently, especially children. They tend to see mainly what impacts them directly.

I will cry my heart out if a stranger tells me they just lost someone but hardly cry if someone close to me dies. I couldn’t cry when my Dad died more than a decade ago and I am still not recovered from the sadness and will never be. It is not a sweet let’s remember good times type of sadness either. It is the absolute heart wrenching type that you don’t know what to do. Please don’t misinterpret her lack of crying for anything.

She may be feeling she has to “be strong” for you.

I showed little emotion when my dad died. I was very concious of needing to help my mum, and be “grown up”. That and by people saying children got over things quicker, and people at school, friends etc seeming to forget after a day, if it was mentioned at all.

I was, and am, completely broken by it inside. But I took my cues from others, and put on a brave face.

Let her grieve in her own way.

Everybody grieves differently. I'm sorry for your loss, but please try and not be annoyed at dd because she isn't reacting in the way you expect her to.

So sorry for your loss

But you really need to accept

a) that different people grieve differently

b) that teens are often terrified by death and struggle desperately to hold it together. (In that respect, they are not necessarily different from adults. I didn't cry when my small child was in a coma, nor when, much later, she attempted suicide. I held it together because I was frightened of the effects of giving way).

c) please be aware of what BackToGood said- that your anger against your dd and your need for her to follow your pattern of grieving may in fact be a way of projecting your anger that this has happened.

When my granddad died, I was your dd's age and I still remember how terrified I was when my mum suddenly lashed out at my dad (the kindest and most loving of men) and accused him of not caring. Later on lashed out at me too, claiming I was looking at her funny (which by that stage I probably was). Still frightens me now to think of it 45 years later- and she has been a wonderful mum all these years. Don't do that to your dd, don't make her the receiving butt for your grief and anger.

And what TimeIHad said rings true: a teen may well think they haven't got the right to make it about them.

She's in survival mode because she is bereaved and the adults who support her are (understandably) uncontained and uncontaining. I would be willing to bet she will start to struggle when you start to feel a bit more ok. This is often the pattern with teens. Try to attend to her needs, tell her it's ok to cry/not cry, tell her that even though it's rough for you now you know you will be ok and that you appreciate her being around. Encourage her to join in with stories and anecdotes or talk about your loss and how it happened (because processing is important). But only as far as she is able. . Try to keep a normal routine and expectations.

I'm sorry that you're facing life without your twin. That must be so hard.

I think your DD probably felt awkward. Tbh, I found myself cringing at the thought of a sobbing group hug. That's not to say that it wasn't valid, or comforting, for you, but I'd find that very hard to cope with.

If your DD is autistic, she's likely to be feeling very strong emotions, but doesn't have a way to show them that you understand.

A close friend was killed by a drunk driver and I didn’t cry for years despite being absolutely devastated. As pp have said, people process grief differently and you are very very wrong to say that lack of crying= no empathy.

I’m sorry for your loss. I was a bit older than your daughter, but when my grandmother died, it wasn’t until much later that I cried. When she first passed away, I felt like my grief couldn’t compare to what my mother must be feeling, and I didn’t want to make it about me or make her feel like she had to be strong for me or comfort me instead.

For a while afterwards, I would find myself getting really upset about silly, unrelated things which I guess was a way of allowing myself to grieve. I cried many tears for her but they didn’t come at the ‘expected’ time and often seemed unconnected. It will seem hard but do focus on thinking of happy memories and sharing how special and important to you she was for your sake and your daughter’s.

Sending love