My DD has shown no empathy for my twin who lived with us

[Littlek0406]

My DD 12 has shown no empathy for my twin who lived with us for 10 years.

DD has only cried twice, once when her Auntie passed away & at the funeral.

We received some flowers & a card tonight, myself & her Nan just fell apart (it’s 2 months today when she passed) & three of us we’re hugging me & Nan we’re sobbing & my DD pretended to be upset but wasn’t crying then wiped her eyes.

I just don’t understand it, DD was so close her like her 2nd mum really.
I’ve always thought she might be borderline autistic & my twin did too.

I’m just getting more annoyed with her & I know that’s not right ☹️

@Spreadingchestnut thank you x

I say this gently, it isn't right that you are annoyed with her. People grieve in different ways and for some it is inward, maybe doesn't even sink in properly for a year or more. I know that because I still haven't cried much and I lost someone very much loved last year. It just doesn't seem real.

I am sorry about you losing your sister, Little. x

The reality of death, what it really meant, didn't hit me until I was in my early 40s. I was bought up Catholic, so death was never seen as the end...the whole idea that it might be, that dying was the be all and end all, didn't hit me until my MIL died when I was 42.

It was a nasty shock, and frankly, 10 years later, I'd rather go back when I still believed....

Give your poor young daughter a break. She's not a adult, don't expect her to react like one.

Fhs what's wrong with people on here tonight? You are not obliged to post the first thing that comes in to your head you know.

^This.

Condolences

I think your dd reacts quite normally for her age. Don't be worried, let her be. Talk normally to her about her aunt and grieve with your dm.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I do think different people cope with grief differently and particularly children and teens and not everyone expresses it in the same way. Not everyone feels overwhelmed by it at the same time. I think you need to allow her to grieve in her own way. It doesn’t mean she lacks empathy - it just means she’s not you or her gran.

I'm absolutely sure that I didn't cry when any of my grandparents died. And I never cried in front of anyone when my father died. And (be prepared for this)...not even when my husband died.

The reasons are different in each case. Grandparent-wise...the one that lived with us had dementia so it had been very tough for us all. The other two I'd been very close to when younger, but I'd lived a long way from them for a long time when they died of old age. It was their time. i wasn't distraught.

When my dad died I had small children. I didn't want them to see me distressed.
When my husband died, I'd already done a lot of grieving since we had his terminal diagnosis. And I knew that when I did cry, I'd never stop. So no way that was going to happen in front of anyone. And I had to hold things together for my 20 and 21 year old daughters who'd helped me nurse him and sit with him as he died.

I'm not autistic. But I am private. It's allowed. Give her a break FFS. . I'd not have known what to do with myself at 12, if my mother and grandmother had wept and wailed in front of me. I'd probably have felt that I needed to pretend somehow, too.

@Aquamarine1029

Stop projecting your emotional response onto your daughter. You have no idea how she's feeling on the inside. She may be trying to hide her feelings in order to not make you even more upset. She may feel she needs to be strong and stable. Whatever the case, your daughter is 12, not an adult.

I'm very sorry about your sister, but you are not being fair to your daughter.

This.^ In my family we experienced a great many deaths both expected and unexpected. I observed very early on that one person was always stoic. This one person dealt with the business of death the paperwork, the writing of thank-you notes, the distribution of flowers, etc. When all was dealt with, then was there time to grieve. Clearly you and your mother are still overly emotional. Give your daughter credit for her self-control and don't assume she must be autistic if she is not hysterical.

You want people to "be kind" but you're not being kind to your daughter. She's a child. You have no idea how she's feeling and you are very wrong to be angry that she's not giving you a grief performance.

Maybe she suppresses her emotions because of your reaction when she doesn't respond as you want. Maybe she doesn't know how to act. Maybe she doesn't understand the finality of death and it hasn't hit her yet. Who knows.

Your feelings are not her fault. She's a child. Get help for your grief and stop projecting it onto your child.

Look, you and your mum clearly embrace grief. That's fine. It works for you.

Personally I wouldn't have had a clue when the 2 month anniversary of my husband's death was. It would have had no effect on me. I don't know even now, exactly what date he died. Time and dates had no meaning in his last weeks. I couldn't have told you what month it was while we were nursing him. Anniversaries aren't my thing.

I dealt with my grief for the man I loved so dearly, in an entirely different way from you. Neither of us was wrong, and we were both right.

Please stop feeling angry with your daughter. She's not you, and she's still a child.

@Thewiseoneincognito

Isn’t it a psychopathic trait to pretended to show emotion when you don’t feel it? Be careful...

If this is how you see people who care enough about others to mimic their grief, even if they can't quite feel or understand it themselves, then that's quite concerning

I didn't feel the overwhelming sorrow my mother and sister did, when my gran died. I've always had trouble with object permanence, and that can apply to people and their presence as much as the vegetables mouldering in the salad drawer. But I still wanted to share in their mourning, so I tried to make myself cry with them. I held them. I did everything I could, despite some of it being forced. I didn't realise that made me a person to be wary around

OP, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I hope, in time, that you and your family will be able to process this grief, to let it live with you, and that in time you'll remember the happy times with her more than the sorrow of her passing.

And please try not to worry about your daughter. People process the loss of a loved one differently, especially when they're children and still coming to terms with mortality. It's apparent that she's still joining you in your grieving, even if she finds the crying aspect of it harder. She still cares, and she's still mourning with all of you. Best wishes

My dad died when I was 23. I loved him, but I didn’t cry about it. Some people don’t cry over death and, as people have said, she’s 12. My mum died when my son was 11 and he said “I’m so sorry mum, I feel like I should be more upset.” I told him I was glad it wasn’t a big sad thing for him and he didn’t need to feel guilty about his feelings.

I think it’s a bit odd you want her to be sad.

why are you annoyed with her.
i don't understand that.
also it may be rather frightening or disturbing for her to witness and be expected to join in the emotional reactions of you and your mother.
if you can, try to reserve that for when she is not present.
let her get on with her normal life as much as possible.
if she wants to talk about it, she will. don't expect anything.

Not everyone is given to crying and being emotional on very sad occasions. I am a bit like this, but it doesn't mean people are cold and uncaring at all, it's just how they are. My late Mum was like this, never hugging and crying at funerals etc, I didn't cry at her funeral, despite being always very close to her.

Some people don’t like to cry in front of other people, or see others cry. I am like that. I was dry-eyed through the funerals of both my parents. I do a lot of crying when I am alone though.

And I am so very sorry for your loss.

When I was 14 we lost a grandparent who I was close to.

I was upset and felt a huge hole that my grandparent used to fill but I didn’t cry or externalise my feelings infact I supported their child during the funeral but a few years later after I had left home I absolutely burst into floods of tears during the funeral of anwork acquaintance who I didn’t dislike but whom I wasn’t particularly close to!

I didn’t really understand it and actually found it quite embarrassing but later I realised that that her funeral had been in the same crematorium room as my grandparents funeral had been in and it dawned on me that those tears were for my grandparent.

I'm sorry for your loss. Losing a twin must be difficult.

Everybody in this world reacts differently when somebody passes away. When my Nan died, I cried when she died and at her funeral but that's it. A few years later when my mum died, I had a few tears but I didn't actually sob for about 2 weeks. I was in too much shock. She had cancer so part of me was relieved she wasn't in any pain anymore. In the third week I was non stop sobbing. I had my moments after then a few times but I didn't actually cry properly again until 4 months later where I just did nothing but sob for a week. Ever since she has died I have had this horrible feeling in my chest which I don't believe will ever go.

My brother was only nineteen when he died in an accident. It was devastating but it showed me above all else that you are only responsible for the way you grieve, no one else, let alone a twelve year old neice. Her behaviour isn't odd or unusual, especially eight weeks later but neither is yours.

Im am so sorry for you ( but you are putting a lot of your child, your very young child.
When i
Lost Someone who was my world i cried once or twice then not for about a year as it did not hit me.
I also struggle with peoplE being upset around me ( did as a child, still do now) it upsets me as which it may have done your dd as she may not have known how to react.

You need to grieve, i dont think this is really about her, your angry as you’ve lost a part of you, as you should be.
Give yourself time x

I'm so sorry for you loss.

My gps died when I was around that age and I think I also just cried when they died and at the funeral. I was upset but I also felt awkward and didn't quite know how to react. I didn't want to cry in front of my parents and upset them, or make it all about me. Also I suppose I tried to put it out of my mind a bit, to make myself feel better. So definitely not a case of not caring about them.

I don’t cry in front of other people, EVER, and I remember very clearly as a much smaller child than your DD feeling like I wanted to be alone before I let my emotions go. I’m neither autistic nor psychopathic ( ) I’m just private. Don’t pressure her to express her feelings in the same way that you do.

I'm so, so sorry for your loss OP. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it would be to lose a twin.

But please understand that everyone grieves differently. She has cried twice, which is more than others might, even if they are genuinely hurting. Some people just don't cry much at all. For me, I do occassionally cry, but don't ever cry in front of other people, even if something truly devasting has happened. Not even at a funeral of someone very close. I just don't. I act like I'm totally fine, do the British stiff upper lip thing, and then secretly cry at night after everyone else is asleep. I even hide it from my husband. It's not a conscious choice that I make, it's just how I'm wired.

I think it's natural to start feeling anger towards others when someone has died, but please be very careful not to take this out on your DD. You are angry because your twin died. It's horrible and unfair and you are completely justified in your anger. Just make sure it isn't being directed at your child. It's not fair on her and you will regret it.