My DD has shown no empathy for my twin who lived with us

[Littlek0406]

My DD 12 has shown no empathy for my twin who lived with us for 10 years.

DD has only cried twice, once when her Auntie passed away & at the funeral.

We received some flowers & a card tonight, myself & her Nan just fell apart (it’s 2 months today when she passed) & three of us we’re hugging me & Nan we’re sobbing & my DD pretended to be upset but wasn’t crying then wiped her eyes.

I just don’t understand it, DD was so close her like her 2nd mum really.
I’ve always thought she might be borderline autistic & my twin did too.

I’m just getting more annoyed with her & I know that’s not right ☹️

I cant imagine how difficult it is to lose your twin. I'm very sorry for your loss.
I think some PP have been a bit harsh.
I think anger is part of grief as well. I confess I felt similarly about my DD when my DM died (although DD was only 4) that DD was incredibly close to her, and yet didn't seem upset by it. But it played out in different ways, her sleep regressed, she had trouble settling at school etc, and years later she told me how much she missed her and it broke my heart that I had felt at the time she didnt care.

Littlek0406 This is such a hard time for you and emotions do get very mixed up- yours I mean.

First it's not true to say your dd doesn't show emotion, she did, at appropriate times which is at the death and at the funeral. So, don't think of her as emotionless, she did cry- and not everyone wants to do that.

Second, grief is a personal journey, so if you think about it, everyone doesn't reach the same point at the same time, so whilst this card and flowers was a trigger for you, she didn't burst into tears. Hers is a completely valid response, so is yours. What's not so great is you being cross at her for not being sad enough to your timetable!

I think you are just overwhelmed by grief and getting cross at the wrong person, she sounds a lovely girl who was trying to support you by hugging you and joining in. She may have felt very sad, tears aren't the only way sadness comes out. Or she may not because that wasn't her sister or her daughter, who knows?

Be kind to yourself, be kind to her.

I am so very sorry for your loss. It must be devastating.

However, please don't get upset with your DD - as PPs mentioned, we all grieve differently. When my grandfather died I didn't cry at all. I was very, very close to him but when it happened - I just froze. I was devastated and I still miss him to this day (and he's been gone for 20y) but I just couldn't cry. Not when everyone was 'watching'. It also didn't help that everyone around me seemed to fall apart - I felt I needed to be 'strong' and 'put together' even though no one told me or indicated that was expected of me. It was just my own reaction to an emotional crisis. Maybe she feels like that too - that she needs to be strong for you and your mum, or maybe she just struggles with enormity of the loss and emotions and can't express them.

'What ever happened to be kind' well if you want everyone to be kind, try being kind to your daughter. As many other PPs have said, children (and young adults) deal totally differently with death, and I'm surprised you haven't realised this by now.

After my father died, maybe 6 months, my mum got really mad at me because it appeared I hadn’t been that bothered (to her). I was older than your daughter but still a teenager. I echo what pp said. I didn’t cry publicly because mum was in bits. My aunts (his sisters) were so on edge I had to be ok for them. I was under the spotlight and felt I had to live up to expectations. My god was I devistated but I held it together.

It’s stood me in good stead for future stressful situations. I can hold it together and keep a clear head as long as is needed.

I am very sorry about your sister. Please don't assume that your dd doesn't care or that she was just 'pretending' to be upset, because she doesn't show grief in the same way that you do. Sometimes people freeze rather than grieving conventionally or find it difficult to grieve communally, This is especially likely in children, but can occur at any age. And certainly it doesn't imply psychopathic tendencies -ignore the poster who said that.

Your daughter was 2 when your sister moved in? So majority of her life? Did it impact on her at all if you were in a caring role for her aunt?

I’m very sorry for your loss. I’m an identical twin & I can’t comprehend how I’ll cope if/when my sister dies. I have to put that dread & fear into a box inside my head & push it away as it would be all consuming. It’s my coping mechanism (for a lot of things probably) & allows me to take a pragmatic or stoic approach to life so I can support those around me.

Maybe your daughter is doing the same. She sees your Mum & you as if you’re in a catastrophic period of raw grief & believes she needs to be the one to protect you. She boxes the sadness away to be ‘strong’, and can’t switch the tears on on command as she’s pushed those emotions away.

Therefore she will mimic your actions, but the rawness of her emotions are boxed away as she thinks she has to, in the weird brain space of the tween & teen, protect you & her Nan.

This doesn’t mean she has autism, psychopathy (ffs the poster who suggested that, not helpful) or anything else.

It means she is trying to be strong & support you. You cannot teach someone how to grieve; there is no right or wrong. Boxing it away long term isn’t a great strategy, but if it’s her coping mechanism while she sees her Mum & Nan “hugging & sobbing” (thus in need of being Protected rather than their usual roles of Protectors) then please, give her a break.

whatever happened to be kind?

Being kind like saying your daughter is autistic because she doesn't do performance grieving on cue?

Everyone reacts differently. I know "crying and shaking" at the drop of a hat is a popular trope on here but not everyone reacts like that.

Or perhaps she feels the need to be supportive of the two adults who "just fell apart".

I'm sorry for your loss but that doesn't make it reasonable to impose your feelings on others.

If you are going to start getting angry with your dd, she will sense that. She will feel weird for not feeling things the same way as you do. Your anger with her will create a wall and then she will feel like she's losing her Mum too.

I am sorry for your loss, it must be horrendously heartbreaking.

I think you need to tread carefully here. Your DD cried when she died and at the funeral. She didn’t with the cards. There are many good reasons she wouldn’t

Grief is different for everyone, triggers are different in particular. Also you lost a twin and your mum a daughter - very different to an Aunt. The relationships are all distinctly different
Also as a PP said she may well be internalising it because she needs to be strong and not fall apart

And look at your title you say empathic that implies she should be crying because you are upset not because of her own grief. I’m not sure if you meant emotionless but your choice of words is telling.

She is a child and when she sees adults crying and wailing it will make her feel very insecure and a bit scared. A sister or a daughter are much closer than an auntie however dear.
Try to be a mother as well as the other relationships and don’t blame a 12 year old for being 12.

Wow poor daughter!

My aunt had schzoprenia (diagnosed in her 20s because she was able to mask a lot until suddenly she couldn’t) and this was exactly one of the symptoms - ie inappropriate reactions to emotional events. The doctors even warned my gran about it. She couldn’t cry when upset and would smirk when others were angry / upset.

Sorry for your loss OP

I think some PPs have been very harsh in their responses. There is no time limit on grief so for a pp to say its all melodramatic only 8 weeks later is downright nasty and rude ffs.

I think you are still in the midst of grieving which has clouded your view on how you think your daughter showed be acting. You said yourself you KNOW you shouldn't be getting annoyed with her. I think once you're in a better place you will look back and realise everyone grieves differently but in the meantime you need to give your daughter a break.

Although no article about young people in general will always be relevant to an individual person, you might wish to look at this, which emphasizes that children often show grief differently from most adults: www.childbereavementuk.org/information-how-children-grieve

Dd hardly reacted when my aunt died - age difference meant my cousins were closer in age to dd. 6 months later we were in the car and out of the blue she was sobbing. It took that long to process and realise just how final it was. One thing we were told was that adults need to grieve and then support dc in that order, so look after yourself and in time you’ll be able to remember your twin with happy thoughts which you can share with dd. At the moment she’s probably treading on egg shells trying not to upset you (not a criticism it’s a natural response) so her grief will look different to yours.

I’m sorry for your loss.

But please don’t be upset at your daughters lack of grief. I’m not a crier, or hugger, and probably wouldn’t fall apart after receiving a card two months later. Yes, I would shed tears, and obviously feel sad, but I wouldn’t have any huge outpouring of grief.

Possibly this is the first time you’re dd has been bereaved. Have you talked to her about how she feels? Possibly she doesn’t quite know how to respond to your grief, and hence being strong for you.

I think some posters are forgetting that this is the bereavement board.

And that newly bereaved people may be in shock, may not think as clearly as they do ordinarily, or not process things quite as accurately. Give the op a break.

I think it’s terrible she had to pretend to be upset because she obviously felt pressured to do so from you!

She’s 12, leave her alone, there brains work differently to adults anyway and they don’t completely grasp it.

Some people are just not emotional people, doesn’t mean anything is wrong with her. She’s your daughter and you should be more supportive of her and less demanding!!

Everyone is different , not everyone sobs dramatically - some of us internalise our thoughts. My dd is autistic and she cries by the way

I was like this when my Grandad died. I can’t describe how I felt but I’m going to try in one sentence...

I thought that if I wasn’t showing emotion or talking about him - it would hurt much less.

It lasted for about 4 years! But trust me - any mention of him now and I am a mess. Even yesterday my husband said he missed my Grandad and I broke down crying.

Grief is very unique to each person. I am autistic so maybe it’s related to that but I know that I’ll never try and keep grief “in” again.

Sorry for your loss

Hi OP. From experience of talking to a McMillan cancer nurse when we went through similar, and working in therapy I can say this doesn’t mean what you think it does. A McMillan grief counsellor nurse told me kids live in the here and now often. The reason we are sad when somebody dies is because we have more concept of time we have to go without them and of what we will have to go through without them. A child doesn’t always grasp that. I think also not everyone processes it straightaway. For me grief was like a punch in the chest- it takes a while for the shock to wear off to feel the pain. Xx

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. Must be so hard for you all.

But your DD is still very young. At that age I didnt like seeing adults getting upset and never was one for crying in front of people. Nothing wrong with me, no hidden autism etc it's just the way I am. People laugh now as I'm the friend/relative who says "there there" with a pat on the arm all awkwardly, when someone is upset.

I cried at my grandads funeral, but not when I saw him in hospital after he passed. Grieving is strange for adults, let alone children.

I lost my aunt when I was 17, she was in and out of our home during treatment, she was an amazing person and our family were all very close. I don’t think I cried at all when she passed (maybe a tiny bit whilst alone), I saw her when she was very poorly, when she was in pain and hated what she was going through so her death was not a shock and was kind of a relief because she was no longer in pain. I also knew that she wouldn’t have wanted people to have been sad. At her funeral we celebrated her life, we had a big party afterwards because that’s what she wanted.

I’m sure your dd is upset but she may not feel the need to cry, people deal with things differently. I cried for a week when my dog died but have never really cried over a person dying but that doesn’t mean I haven’t felt sadness and grief.