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Original poster

My DD has shown no empathy for my twin who lived with us

168 replies

Littlek0406 · 30/10/2020 00:12

My DD 12 has shown no empathy for my twin who lived with us for 10 years.

DD has only cried twice, once when her Auntie passed away & at the funeral.

We received some flowers & a card tonight, myself & her Nan just fell apart (it’s 2 months today when she passed) & three of us we’re hugging me & Nan we’re sobbing & my DD pretended to be upset but wasn’t crying then wiped her eyes.

I just don’t understand it, DD was so close her like her 2nd mum really.
I’ve always thought she might be borderline autistic & my twin did too.

I’m just getting more annoyed with her & I know that’s not right ☹️

OP posts:
FlyNow · 30/10/2020 02:44

I've noticed sometimes after a bereavement, people fixate on small things that other people have done, and it seems to be a way of taking their anger out on something or distracting themselves.

Examples might be, someone's dad died and they fixate on a nurse who wasn't very nice in the hospital. Or the neighbour who hasn't sent a card. Or someone who dressed weirdly at the funeral. Now these things are slight annoyances but irrelevant really.

I mean this kindly but do you think this is what is happening here?

AnotheChinHair · 30/10/2020 02:46

I am sorry for your loss OP.
It is possible that your DD is overwhelmed by the situation. She might feel that openly grieving for her aunty will add to your pain and she doesn't want to burden you any further.
Give her time and observe her closely because this will come out in one way or another, sooner or later.

BigBigPumpkin · 30/10/2020 02:48

I tend to cry once, OP. My grandmother, my grandfather, my cat... I cried once for them all. That was it. I felt no need to cry again. And I had to hide my face in a handkerchief at the funerals of my grandparents to avoid being seen to laugh because the expectation of crying always produces the opposite response from me. People grieve in different ways- stop expecting your DD to grieve in yours. I'd have a talk with her tbh and say you know it's difficult for her to see you so upset and you don't want her to feel she has to join in- that however she's processing things is perfectly fine.

Sorry for your loss. Flowers

Doryhunky · 30/10/2020 02:58

The anger you are feeling is a natural response to loss but it is misdirected. I think some 12 year olds go through a lacking empathy stage.

BigBigPumpkin · 30/10/2020 03:05

@Doryhunky

The anger you are feeling is a natural response to loss but it is misdirected. I think some 12 year olds go through a lacking empathy stage.
I don't think you can even describe grief as empathy. Empathy is putting yourself in someone else's shoes- I'd argue that OP's DD is showing plenty of empathy towards OP by trying to join in with the grief. Grief itself is sadness rather than empathy.
Doryhunky · 30/10/2020 03:10

I am not describing grief as empathy. OP feels her DD doesn’t care. Her DD is being a normal 12 year old who can’t empathise with her mother!!

BigBigPumpkin · 30/10/2020 03:12

She seems to be trying though. Collapsing into genuine tears isn't the only way to show empathy for a grieving person.

ApolloandDaphne · 30/10/2020 03:17

People grieve differently. I am not a crier. I have had some very traumatic losses but didn't cry much. I find it odd and disconcerting seeing people weeping and wailing. I just process death in a different, yet perfectly normal and functional, way. Please don't think there is something wrong with your DD just because her reaction to loss is different to yours.

LadyMinerva · 30/10/2020 03:29

My condolences for your loss.

I'm not a crier... unless I've been drinking! Doesn't mean I don't have feelings or care. I've lost 3 grandparents in less than 2 years. I was very close to all of them. Shed a few tears for a couple of minutes initially when I first heard they were about to leave us but that's it. But I loved them dearly and miss them every day. I just don't share my feelings with people much.

Procrastination4 · 30/10/2020 03:35

When my father in law died, my younger son didn’t cry. He was 13 at the time. However, four months later he burst into tears and couldn’t stop abs couldn’t understand why he was crying for his grandfather then but not earlier. People grieve differently. It doesn’t mean that they are hard-hearted or that there is something wrong with them. Try not to judge your daughter. I’m sorry for your loss.

Coffeecak3 · 30/10/2020 04:03

Your dsis's death is still raw for you but dc are different.
You can't make her feel upset at her aunts death.
I would gently point out that you are not showing empathy for the way your dd is handling her own emotions. When you are in a better place you will see this.

Wyntersdiary · 30/10/2020 04:49

sorry but you are sounding Ridiculous, I for one am not a person that cries much, I cry when it first happens but then i just get sad no tears. Its quite a normal thing.

Also it is bound to be more upsetting for you and your mum than it is for her no matter how close she was .... Because she still has you two whereas you dont have your sister.

eaglejulesk · 30/10/2020 04:53

People grieve in many different ways. My mother died this year, and I loved her very much and we were close, but I haven't cried at all. It doesn't mean I didn't love her, or that I don't miss her, and it certainly doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me. People are all different, and just because your daughter doesn't show her emotions the same way as you do it doesn't mean she has a problem.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2020 05:06

Twelve year olds are often like giant toddlers due to the brain rewiring process and your dd is dealing with the loss of her aunt in her own way. Just because your dd is perhaps as tall as you, she is still so little and going through some big, scary changes in her life from being a child to a teen and she doesn’t need any pressure from her mum. Poor girl must be very confused. I know the loss of your sister must be a terrible time for you and your mum. But age 12 is also a very tumultuous time in a child’s life vis a vis friendships and developmentally even without losing her aunt. My 12 yo dd and her friends are incrediblY sensitive and needy right now. So it sounds to me your dd is also perhaps dealing with a mum, who isn’t emotionally available to her in the way she may need. Please don’t make it worse for the two of you by blaming her. You will push your dd away at a time when she very much needs you. I am sorry for your loss. Flowers

flapjackfairy · 30/10/2020 05:07

I think your anger is probably a reaction to the loss of your twin more than your daughters behaviour. Sometimes I have felt mad at the world in general when I have suffered a loss and grief can cause lots of conflicting emotions and can be hard to unravel. Let your daughter grieve in her own way and don't even hint at any annoyance with her. It isn't fair to burden her that way.
So v sorry for your loss. It is v hard xxx

KarmaNoMore · 30/10/2020 06:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marchitectmummy · 30/10/2020 06:13

Firstly so sorry for your loss a terrible time for you.

However, I think you are inflicting your grief onto your daughter and being extremely harsh judging her. Children, even at her age do not understand the finality in quite the same way as adults do. My grandmother, who I loved dearly died when i was a similar age. I can remember now receiving tbe news and feeling shock. Not upset not crying but just realising she was gone.

Be understanding of your daughter, stop analysing her and stop viewing her in such a negative way.

Palavah · 30/10/2020 06:14

People don't cry on demand even when they are grieving.

What makes you say that she has no empathy?

ivftake1 · 30/10/2020 06:16

@Iggypoppie

I only cried once when my great aunt who I loved dearly died. But I still think about her 30 years later. 12 year olds don't dwell in one state for long. Plus she is probably overwhelmed by seeing her mum and grandmother upset, that is scary for a child as they depend on you for their sense of security.
I still haven't cried about my grandfather passing away, and I found it incredibly hard to cry when my grandmother passed away.

I was 13 and 15 when it happened.

34 now and I constantly think about them, how much I love them, how much I miss them. Crying doesn't equal caring.

TurkMama · 30/10/2020 06:18

I'm annoyed at you for being annoyed at her. She has expressed empathy by trying to show it's sad wgen her way of grieving isn't like yours or your granny. I think you are misplacing your feelings on her. Also just because you got on well with someone doesnt mean everyone did too. Maybe your twin wasnt that nice or caring in your dds view or maybe she is grieving differently. Sobbing isnt a better or a stronger grief.

TurkMama · 30/10/2020 06:21

I mean here you are having no empathy for your dd. Not everyone cries easily doesnt mean they are less feeling. So many people burst into tears at the slightest thing or even when they themselves dont know why. It doesn't mean their feelings are more or less valuable or important.

ivftake1 · 30/10/2020 06:22

Sobbing and hugging would make me run a mile actually.

This post is eye opening actually. I'm realising that I'm definitely a private crier

pictish · 30/10/2020 06:29

@Legooo

Try to see this from your daughters perspective.

You have lost a sister, your mum has lost a daughter. Condolences.

But that isn’t the same as losing an aunt (even a much seen loved one) it just isn’t.

Frankly (though not sure if I should be as frank as this) it all sounds very melodramatic, grabbing each other and sobbing over a card three months later...and worse dragging the 12 year old in to it and then getting annoyed she wasn’t weeping on cue.

I know you didn’t like this post OP but it so happens I agree with it.
AlternativePerspective · 30/10/2020 06:31

My ex SIL died last year, and my MIL was talking to me some months later saying how differently children react to these things, and how within half an hour of their dad having collected them from school after she died, they were asking if they could go to the park.

That doesn’t mean they didn’t grieve for their mum, they absolutely have, it just means that they do things differently and in their own way.

In fact how many times have you heard people say that these things don’t affect children so much because they just get on with it and don’t understand, it’s because they don’t show emotion in the same way adults do. And actually I think that we as adults can learn a lot from them.

There’s nothing wrong with being grief-stricken, but life does have to go on, and I would rather be more myself afterwards than a sobbing wreck.

I’m guessing that as your sister lived with you she likely had some permanent health problems/disabilities, so death was likely not that unexpected.

And please can people stop saying “on the spectrum” about others, it’s bloody offensive.

Palaver1 · 30/10/2020 06:33

So sorry for your loss.
I hope you have more of an understanding to your daughters reactions.

Legoo
That’s so unkind very unkind how do you measure or quantify another persons grieve.
The whole discussion is based on this and your doing the same .

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