Should we let our 6 year old see his dead granny?

[Thunderbolted]

Just that really.
We're taking him to the funeral but wondered whether to let him see the body the day before. Apparently she's nicely laid out. I know I found it helpful as an 11 year old to see a dead relative but I don't know if 6 is too young.
We're very open about death and what's happened so my inclination is to give him the option and let him choose. They weren't super close.
I know it's totally different but he saw our dog after he died and decorated the coffin and I think that helped him grieve.

It's an individual decision based on u and ur family.

Personally I wouldn't let my kids go to see an open casket. I also have a general rule that no kids at funerals until they are 16 too.

I figure they have a whole lifetime to deal with death and the loss of loved ones, why litter their childhood with unnecessary sadness too.

@sunlight81

It's an individual decision based on u and ur family.

Personally I wouldn't let my kids go to see an open casket. I also have a general rule that no kids at funerals until they are 16 too.

I figure they have a whole lifetime to deal with death and the loss of loved ones, why litter their childhood with unnecessary sadness too.

I don't understand how this works in reality. Unless you are one of those really strange families who tells their children that granny has gone to live in Australia and there are no phones there, instead of admitting that she has died, how is it possible to protect them from death?

No please don’t. I saw a close grandparent in chapel of rest laid out when I was eleven. Grandparent looked peaceful etc but It utterly traumatised me for years and years. Caused repeated nightmares and flashbacks. It wasn’t how I remembered them and seeing them like that made it years before I could remember them as they were.

I'm going this morning to visit my mil in the chapel of rest but my 6yr old will not be coming with me, she'll attend the funeral tomorrow but it's not appropriate for us to take her. She last saw her granny the day before she passed and they were close. My DD asked to attend the funeral so that she can say a final goodbye and we've talked lots about what happens.
The reason why we do not want her to see her body is because my DH cannot face the thought of it due to his own childhood memories of being made to kiss those who had passed and the effect it's had on him.
DH won't be going to visit his mum but I have to for closure as I was with her when she died.
I do think that death is a subject that shouldn't be avoided and that children should be aware of what happens but done on an individual basis. I know that if I was to take DD it would really upset her and I think she's just not ready for that just yet.

I have never seen a persons body and tbh it terrifies me that one day I might have to.

Would showing him a photo first help ?.

No. I'm a nurse and have seen and laid out any dead bodies, and for that reason chosen not to see either of my parents.
He's too young IMO. Wasn't it Dennis Nielsen who said he was deeply affected by seeing his dead GF in his coffin as a young boy?

@cptartapp

No. I'm a nurse and have seen and laid out any dead bodies, and for that reason chosen not to see either of my parents. He's too young IMO. Wasn't it Dennis Nielsen who said he was deeply affected by seeing his dead GF in his coffin as a young boy?

That's just ridiculous. If seeing a dead relative as a child was directly related to becoming a serial killer then Ireland would be awash with serial killers.

I saw my grandfather after he died and I was 4. It was an open casket at the funeral.

My DM doesn't rememebr it now but I do. I don't regret that and it's not an issue.

I remember being curious and thinking a dead person didn't look how I expected him to look.

Maybe ask your 6 year old.

Of course. That way you pre-empt the kind of fear and horror expressed by so many English people on threads about funerals, because they never saw a dead body until adulthood and it was probably that of a parent.

And I’m sorry for your loss, OP.

tear of course it doesn't make people serial killers!
But it was an interesting fact that stuck in my head after reading his book.

I'm 32 and wouldn't want too, I have a 6yr old and there is no way I would let him, I think he would find it v upsetting.

Such a personal decision, everyone has such different views and beliefs when it comes to death

I visited my dead mother-in-law in the funeral home and then my dead FIL months later. I felt a bit traumatised by it, to be honest. I wished I hadn't. I chose not to view my own mother, or my Nan and feel better for remembering them as they really looked, alive.

I really wouldn't take a child, but then again, sometimes they are more prosaic than an adult - I was happy to view and even bury dead wildlife when I was a child but I hate seeing any now!

To answer the OP's question- my advice is that you know your own DC and that is your best guide. My DC lost two very close relatives in the space of a year and they didn't want to attend either funeral service (but came to the reception afterwards). I had no problem with this- they still grieved and understood that those people were dead.

I do take issue with much of what's been said on here regarding cultural differences though. Which is that English funerals are cold and the English are fearful of death, whereas the Irish are much better at dealing with death. My own experience tells a very different story.

My DGM was Irish but left to escape being locked up in a Magdalen laundry in the 1930s as she was pregnant and unmarried. She married my English DGF and they had 50 years together. Her funeral was the full Catholic mass which seemed to go on forever (she had been so indoctrinated that even though she had never set foot in a church since arriving in England she still wanted a Catholic burial). The Priest knew nothing about her or her life and the church was packed with people who thought it was a grand day out! Several of her siblings came and came back to the house afterwards. They drank and ate everything and anything and waxed lyrical about their childhood memories of my DGM. Funnily enough not one of them had been in contact with her for the 50 years she had lived in England!!

As for the "cold English funeral" of my DF twenty years ago- nobody wore black, we had no church service, but we stood in a beautiful woodland and played his beloved jazz whilst drinking Champagne and celebrating about his life. The small number of people who attended were his actual friends and close family who had known and loved him.

Furthermore I don't believe it's unhealthy to fear dying, particularly if you are not religious. For us there is no redemption or afterlife so it seems logical to want to have the best life on earth and part of that involves being afraid of how and when it will come to an end.

Also please no more of the cold hearted English trope. Some of us like to do our grieving in private. Doesn't mean our feelings are any less. And it has bugger all to do with 'What would the Queen do'.

Ok - rant over...

I wouldn't, but then I wouldn't go to see a dead relative myself, I'd rather keep my memories positive.

Also please no more of the cold hearted English trope. Some of us like to do our grieving in private. Doesn't mean our feelings are any less. And it has bugger all to do with 'What would the Queen do'.

It's not about feeling that anyone's grief is any less. The rudeness on this thread has been almost entirely one way from posters saying that it's totally inappropriate, unbelievable that you'd even ask, what are you thinking etc.

I was a bit sharp earlier this morning with one poster for which I apologise, but I had honestly thought she was saying that seeing a dead body directly contributed to someone becoming so disturbed that they went on to kill.

It is always clear on funeral threads though that people who avoid funerals until adulthood generally seem to find them incredibly traumatic. I loved my father deeply but his funeral wasn't the most upsetting day of my life. I'd say it barely even would make the top ten.

Thank you for that @tearinyourhand. I'm not sure that not being at a funeral until you're an adult means it is more traumatic, I think that depends more upon whose funeral it is and whether their death was particularly tragic. I know with my own DC that I wasn't going to force them to attend as a way of avoiding them being traumatised as an adult. We all have to confront loss at some point but as I said earlier children are individuals and some are more sensitive than others. One of our bereavements was particularly sudden, unexpected and brutal and they were unwittingly present as the news reached us so that was traumatic enough. I didn't feel that there was anything to be gained by having them relive all that by seeing many of their close relatives in pieces.

I think he's too young

I’ve read the whole thread and haven’t seen any comments saying the English are cold-hearted or anything like that. Just squeamish about death which is completely different to being cold! If anything it’s the Irish that would come off as cold to you with the indifference a lot of us have towards dead bodies.

I knew about this cultural difference but I am really shocked to see how many posters are saying they deliberately exclude their children from funerals. That seems beyond cruel to me to deny your children that important part of the grieving process. Is this normal with English funerals?

With regards to seeing the body, it should always come down to personal choice. Saying ‘it really affected me as an adult so how would they ever cope with that’ is getting it totally backwards as (again as long as they aren’t being forced into it) children deal with these things far better than we do. And the younger they’re exposed to it the more normal it will be for them.

@Tollergirl I dont think it's a situation of which culture does it better. I think it depends on what culture you grow up. An irish person would probably find it very hurtful and damaging if they were excluded from a loved ones funeral as a child, where as a child in England may find the opposite true.
The way a culture buries their dead is interlinked with how they grieve, no culture does it better or worse but to outsiders each cultures tradition probably seem morbid/traumatic/overly familiar/cold etc depending on their perspective. In Madagascar there is a tradition called famadihana where they dig up the bones of their relatives every 5 to 6 years and celebrate with them. This is no doubt integral to how they process death, their children would not be disturbed or traumatized by it but plonk someone with no experience of the culture in the middle of it and they probably would not be able to understand the process, at worse be traumatised and at least not benefit from the positives the tradition gives its participants.
I do think it is unfair to make out that it's a crazy suggestion for OP to allow her DS to view the body. It's not inappropriate or inherently traumatic to allow a child to be part of the funeral process, and viewing the body is part of that depending on your background or views.

Great point babbafett

I've not suggested 'the English', among whom I lived for upwards of two decades are remotely 'cold-hearted', just that you have, as a culture, a quite remarkably fucked-up attitude to death. I don't mean small, invitation-only funerals -- that is just a neutral cultural difference. But I have seen genuinely nice people cross the road in my small village to avoid someone recently bereaved, not out of cruelty but because 'I didn't know what to say'. I have seen colleagues who lost a parent come back into work to find the subject not mentioned at all, even a quiet condolence in passing. I have seen numerous posts on here from grown adults panicking about what to wear to a funeral, how to behave at one, and being absolutely terrified in case their children, should they bring them, see them crying, or by the sight of a close family member's body.

A lot of this could be avoided if people attended the occasional funeral from a younger age, and absorbed the idea that death comes to everyone, and isn't some terrifying, embarrassing minority affliction.

My DC have been to funerals of close family from the age of about five onwards. No nightmares or other issues after that apart from the normal sadness for losing someone that they love. It's a lot more normal in my country though for children to attend funerals.

6 yo is too young to go to a funeral. If YOU really want to go, try to arrange for someone to take care of your child for a couple of hours.

Sorry for your loss

@MagMell - nothing like a sweeping generalisation is there? the "English" have as a culture, a quite remarkably fucked-up attitude to death.

I think there is a perhaps an English cultural hangover about avoiding uncomfortable social situations and I do agree that some people are not comfortable discussing mortality but I don't think writing part of a whole culture off as " remarkably fucked up" shows any great sensitivity or understanding. I also think maybe this has something to do with the fact that for many English people, religion is not such a significant or indeed, powerful, part of their lives. In times gone by, the English attitude to death was probably much closer to that described by Irish posters. There are probably many and varied reasons why this is no longer the case. Cultural differences are just that, as @babbafett and it's not a competition.

@JKRisagryff- In my experience children haven't been deliberately excluded from funerals but have been asked whether they want to attend (providing they are old enough to make that decision). However, again from my own experience, attending a funeral isn't an essential part of the grieving process. I didn't attend DMIL's funeral service as my DC didn't want to go and wanted me to stay with them. I know that my DMIL, who I adored and was a wonderful and caring person, would rather I look after her DGC than stand in church. It didn't stop me grieving, missing her, remembering her etc. The same for my DC - they remember her and the fun things they did with her, the funny phrases she used and little traditions which they carry with them. They are well aware that she is dead - and don't think that she went to "Australia". They didn't have to be at the funeral to understand this. A funeral is a religious and cultural construct just like a wedding or a christening. Maybe some of us need these rituals more than others. Maybe the "circle of life" (apols for conjuring up images of Elton John!) can be part of children's understanding without standing in a damp, cold building whilst someone they don't know talks about the person they loved. For those who have a faith and are part of a religious communicty this would obviously be very different in that they would know the Priest/Vicar etc. In our family, we have had many opportunities to talk to the children about life and death which we do not shy away from. Funerals to us are not all that important and are indeed not compulsory. In fact, DP is adamant that he doesn't want any sort of funeral (wants to be fed to sharks or buried in the back garden or some such twaddle) and I'm quite unlikely to go against his wishes.