Should we let our 6 year old see his dead granny?

[Thunderbolted]

Just that really.
We're taking him to the funeral but wondered whether to let him see the body the day before. Apparently she's nicely laid out. I know I found it helpful as an 11 year old to see a dead relative but I don't know if 6 is too young.
We're very open about death and what's happened so my inclination is to give him the option and let him choose. They weren't super close.
I know it's totally different but he saw our dog after he died and decorated the coffin and I think that helped him grieve.

No ! Far too young.

I wouldn't want to see a deceased relative as an adult.

Sorry didn't mean to include Northern Irish Catholics in the generalisation about the UK (I only have experience of England and Wales tho)

Absolutely not

I would too, since he wants it. Like pp says, it’s a cultural thing for many I think. DH is Irish and it’s so normal to see dead bodies laid out, at any age, I love hearing about the wake/funeral process he is used to and think it is far preferable.

I think it could be potentially upsetting for him, but death is upsetting and you can’t make that change for him. I think it is common in British culture to deny and avoid death, and it’s good to think critically about whether we are helping our kids by passing this on.

My almost 5 year old has recently realised that we will likely die before her (hasn’t yet occurred that she will too, from what I can tell). She’s been tearful about it and there’s a part of me wanting to deny it and tell her it’s all going to be fine, we’ll all be together forever, as it’s hard to sit with her distress. But, my belief is that it’s my job to face her distress with her and support her to know it’s ok to be upset about such sad things that are a reality.

I saw both of my parents dead. You can never unsee it and it sticks in the memory.
I wouldn't even take a six year old to a funeral.

I wouldn't. Let him remember her alive.

Adults see a corpse as an empty shell, vacated by the person who used to inhabit it. They know what's about to happen to the empty shell, can't hurt or scare the person they used to be.

I'm not sure that a child that age,can have the same understanding. He may just see granny as if she fell asleep. He may ask what's going to happen to granny now. In a 6 yr old's imagination, the storyline of going to sleep, being shut in a box, buried in a hole /burned in fire, could be potential nightmare material.

I was given the option with my grandad at 9. He was in the house, but I didn't want to. I don't feel like I missed out on saying goodbye, I remember him alive and thats the best way for a child to remember. No need to see a dead body.

@GalaxyCookieCrumble

Absolutely not, not appropriate at all.

In your opinion.

@Kdubs1981 I totally agree, kids fill in the blanks themselves.
If he asked I would definitely let him, just prepare yourself for a lot of questions , why is she cold etc. They can catch you off guard especially when you are grieving. I'm so sorry for your loss by the way.

I think part of the problem is that many of us have lost a sense of the human spirituality. People who have strongly held religious beliefs find it easier to accept that a person's soul has gone to heaven, or to a new life or whatever, so viewing a body is just like seeing an empty shell, the 'soul' having gone somewhere else.
I am not saying people should find a religion in order to help them deal with death, but I think the big questions about spirituality are things we all need to ask ourselves, hopefully before it's our time to go!

I think, and I know that it's a bit of a generalisation, that people on Mumsnet are often really cruel to children by trying to keep them away from funerals and the grieving process. And then people are surprised when someone goes to a funeral for the first time as an adult and finds it unbearable. I'd wager that the reason people find it unbearable is because it had been hidden from them their whole life.

I'm from N Ireland and I have honestly never heard of anyone here finding a funeral traumatic. Sad, heartbreaking, upsetting, yes, if course. Traumatic? No.

@Rigamorph it’s very common across both Protestants and Catholics in NI, totally normal to walk into the wake and the deceased is lying in the room

[quote lurker101]@Rigamorph it’s very common across both Protestants and Catholics in NI, totally normal to walk into the wake and the deceased is lying in the room[/quote]
And also very normal to have the funeral service in the house.

Obviously you should never force a child (or anyone!) to view a body if they don't want to, but he wants to and she's been laid out.

He may notice that she doesn't look the same, that she looks like an empty shell and that the something that was his gran is "gone", but that's not in itself a distressing thing and actually I think can help in coming to terms with the funeral and the disposal of the body - we're not burying/cremating granny, we're burying/cremating her body which she's finished with and no longer needs.

No and personally I think that 6 is too young for a funeral too

I saw my grandmother when I was 10. I was ok when I saw her, but for a while after I became really scared by death and then the supernatural. I think it very much depends on the child, I wouldn't take my 8 year old but that's because he would find it too distressing. His younger sister however would probably take it in her stride.

Wow, there's such a split of opinions! I'm half Irish (and Catholic) so this may be why I don't feel strongly that he shouldn't see her. He's definitely going to the funeral.

I am so pleased I didn’t see my dads body. He was very sick from his cancer and looked nothing like the man I remember. I was 12, my brother was 8. I think it would have felt like insult to injury, like we’d lost this wonderful man and now our last ever view of him would not be some lovely memory we can look back on fondly of him laughing or smiling. It’s cold and hard and full of sadness.

So no. No way.

I think your view is the right one and, as he's asking, you would be able to support him to do so.

I don't think so either. I'm still impacted by losing mygrandparent at 4. We were very close. I didn't attend funeral or see the body. But I did have a nightmare once where I saw the dead body, wasn't gruesome but upsetting, so to have that as a real memory wouldn't be good imo.

Also, I have been to many funerals and my Nans was the saddest (I was an adult). My dads was totally fine, I didn’t really have a feeling of what was going on at all.

So going to a funeral young doesn’t prepare you emotionally for funerals in general.

We're pretty pragmatic people and are fully open to calmly explaining everything without hysterics (or even drama). I've asked relatives and they all think he should have the choice.

No.

I personally choose to remember relatives as they were rather than in death. So deliberately didn’t see my grandmother or, more recently, my father. With my dad it was sudden and a shock. So logically saying “goodbye” might on the face of it make sense. But actually, my family’s approach is pretty much that a dead body is a bit like an old overcoat. There’s nothing to see there any more. The person they were isn’t there.

Sorry to go on, I often have dream s where I see my dad and he cannot speak to me (maybe because I’ve forgotten his voice). He looks happy and healthy in the dreams. I’d be so gutted if my subconscious summoned up the dead body version for my dream instead of the nice living version. Don’t even put that image in there.

I th8nk not seeing the body can be as pragmatic as seeing a person after they’ve died, just a different approach. I’m not interested in the wrapping, I know the person is dead. I’d rather remember a smiling animated face.