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Original poster

Should we let our 6 year old see his dead granny?

206 replies

Thunderbolted · 07/09/2020 15:00

Just that really.
We're taking him to the funeral but wondered whether to let him see the body the day before. Apparently she's nicely laid out. I know I found it helpful as an 11 year old to see a dead relative but I don't know if 6 is too young.
We're very open about death and what's happened so my inclination is to give him the option and let him choose. They weren't super close.
I know it's totally different but he saw our dog after he died and decorated the coffin and I think that helped him grieve.

OP posts:
Contactscontact · 07/09/2020 22:13

I’m 40 and have never seen a dead body. I wonder if this is unusual?
I don’t think I’d let a 6 year old. I’d rather say ‘let’s look at some photos together’ so he can remember her as she was.

Cloudtraffic · 07/09/2020 22:16

It’s up to you OP as you know your child best - only thing I can contribute is I saw my DGF and DF after they had died - this is my “go to” image when I think about them or their name crops up. The image eclipses what they were alive and taints that to a degree.

WeAllHaveWings · 07/09/2020 22:21

We are completely open talking about death, but no way would I take a 6 year old to a viewing.

Sh1tsandgiggl3s · 07/09/2020 22:45

No don't do it, I saw my mum I was 34 when she passed (4 years ago this year) and still most nights now I have visions of her laid out - even after Councelling But that said my son who was 10 at the time wanted to see her I was very reluctant but he went with my dad and it bought him great comfort to sit with her for a while - they were very very close though so in that respect it was good

Starlightstarbright1 · 07/09/2020 22:48

I realise this is a rabbit not a person but I saw my rabbit she 7. I can still vividly see him dead 43 years later.

stayathomer · 07/09/2020 22:56

I hate that people hold Ireland up as a great way to do funerals. A big piss up when the family just want to shut down the house and have everyone leave. We had the wake in our house for fil, all distant relatives pissed and reminiscing, dh, mil, bill and sil in the kitchen wondering when everyone was going to leave. At my own dad's funeral, I remember standing in the bathroom with my mum and her saying she'd hoped everyone would have left by now. She was barely standing. In answer to your question it could go either way, sometimes you wish you hadnt seen them as they dont look like themselves.

ladyslattern · 07/09/2020 22:58

I really wouldn't. A close friend died when we were both in our early 20s and soon after I saw my Grandad and both looked beatiful. I don't know if the fashions in the undertaking industry have changed but I saw my mum five years ago and Nana a bit before that, and they both looked so awful, my Nana looked livid, as if she was about to sit up and shout at us, and my Mum looked so wizened and nothing like herself. I had horrible intrusive thoughts for months afterwards. If you take the kids make sure you see your granny that day to see what's she's like.

SionnachRua · 07/09/2020 23:00

I hate that people hold Ireland up as a great way to do funerals. A big piss up when the family just want to shut down the house and have everyone leave.

Speak for your own family there, certainly not speaking for mine. I've always found the 'party' (for want of a better word) after a funeral to be very cathartic. This was actually something we talked about a while back - aunt from the UK was over and it came up - and everyone felt the same.

HowFastIsTooFast · 07/09/2020 23:28

Tough one. I was 32 when I saw my grandmother in her coffin and I immediately regretted it and still do years later. I didn't even like the Woman that much and found it deeply disturbing. I will forever be thankful that I didn't see my dear, dear departed grandad like that. I don't think I'd have coped.

That said, if your DS actively wants to and you want to be pragmatic about death with him then I can certainly see why you'd consider it, assuming that you see her first to check that she really is nicely laid out.

shiningstar2 · 07/09/2020 23:37

I wouldn't and I wouldn't be leaving the choice to him. You would be offering him a choice of something he has not experience of so how can he make a rational, considered decision about it at aged 6? Sometimes, as the parent/adult you have to make the decision and I think this is one of those times. If he is taken to see her and he is traumatised you would be responsible, not him even if you give him the choice. Sometimes as well, as adults, we present choices, without intending to, in ways which make kids think that there is a 'right' answer more likely to please their parent. At 6 years old there is plenty of time to help him come to terms with what the reality of death is.

seething1234 · 07/09/2020 23:42

I was brought to say good bye to my granny when I was 7 (Irish Wake, it was fairly normal), it terrified me and caused me awful problems for at least a year afterwards (sleepless nights, tics, anxiety).

Would never do it to any of my kids. I think it's good for them to see some "closure", maybe attend the church service funeral part

herrcomesthenamechanger · 07/09/2020 23:56

Exactly what ladyslattern said. My dad died over 20 years ago, he looked the best he had in years in his coffin and it's actually quite a fond memory (I was 16 yrs old)

My step dad died 4 years ago and looked awful! I wouldn't have wanted a child to see that.

So I would say that either you or DH go first and see how she looks before hand. I'm not saying that would rule it out either but it might help decide

Barryisland · 07/09/2020 23:58

No 100% no. I saw my grandma in the chapel of rest when I was 18 and that is the only picture of her that I get in my head.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 08/09/2020 00:00

I personally wouldn’t. I found seeing my Mum’s body ( in my 20’s) very distressing because it
“wasn’t her” anymore, the lovely person/spirit inside had gone. I wish I had just remembered her as she was in life ( but my Dad wanted me to see her so I did it for his sake).

Ceara · 08/09/2020 00:02

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

My then 5 year old saw his granddad's body in the chapel of rest, and attended the crem and the church memorial service. It helped him in his grieving and we are glad we let him (like your DC, he asked to). Most friends were very negative/shocked by the notion. But the Child Bereavement Trust have some very balanced information on their website which helped us decide - essentially, follow the child's lead, don't press them to do anything they don't want to, but don't exclude them from any aspect of the family's rituals of grieving that they want to be part of, and ensure they are well prepared and have lots of support, and that they know they can change their mind.

Readandwalk · 08/09/2020 00:03

I saw dead relatives at that age and have seen ma y dead people since. In Ireland it's perfectly normal, the deceased is in a room in an open coffin, at home with everyone of all ages with them
As it's my norm I would say yes.

Yeahnahmum · 08/09/2020 00:06

Nope.
Remember her as she was. In life
Not laying in a box. A dead person is so different looking then when they were alive.

Let him go to the funeral of course
But opt out on seeing his grandma

SqidgeBum · 08/09/2020 00:12

I am of the 'death is natural' way of thinking, and being from Ireland where wakes are very normal and you see lots of people laid out, I would normally say go for it. I have seen many dead people, including my own grandmother when I was 15.

But, I was 7 when my cousin died aged 21 and I saw him in his coffin. I still shiver to this day, 20 + years on, when I think of the nightmares I had for months after. He didnt look awful or anything, but it got into my head big time.

I would say spare him the possible nightmares. Talk frankly to him about what has happened, but he doesnt need to see it.

FatArse123 · 08/09/2020 09:40

I think it's good you're giving him the option, OP. I was excluded from my grandmother's funeral (which I know is not the same) aged four and I'm still resentful! I think being excluded from family rituals isn't great for a child's self esteem. Whether or not 6 is too young to see a body, I don't think so, so long as there's some discussion about what's going on. I hate how we brush death under the carpet in this country.

designmama · 08/09/2020 11:40

I wouldn’t personally, I went to see my granddad when I was 6 and I was traumatised for years. I can still see him now. My dad passed away in July, I was on the fence whether to go and see him because of my previous experience. My 5 year old wasn’t allowed to go or to the funeral as we didn’t feel it was a good idea.

Jakadaal · 10/09/2020 00:53

I'm 56 and my DF died in April. I didn't see him after he had passed. I saw him the day he died without quite realising that he was dying and was afraid that if I saw him afterwards I would be left with a worse image.

In my mind I see him as he was 10 years ago smiling, fit and enjoying himself. I love that image as that was the essence of the person he was

Flipflopsaga · 10/09/2020 01:18

No. Please don’t.

missmouse101 · 10/09/2020 01:34

Of course not.

tearinyourhand · 10/09/2020 04:50

I hate that people hold Ireland up as a great way to do funerals. A big piss up when the family just want to shut down the house and have everyone leave.

I'm Irish and have been to more funerals than I can count and have never even seen alcohol at a funeral, much less an extended piss up. Just tea by the bucketload and so much cake you feel sick for hours afterwards. Maybe it's the great religious divide or something.

IHateCoronavirus · 10/09/2020 05:36

I’m so sorry for you loss Flowers You know your little boy best op. My children coped well seeing their little sister, they were all given the choice and we were very open with them. They ended up even screwing the nails into the coffin. I was shocked when the funeral director suggested it but they jumped at the chance happily, he smiled reassuringly and said “the children love that part.” So it must be more common that we think. Saying that the funeral director is was one that was used by a wide range of faiths, so maybe some faiths are more open about death than others and the funeral directors were beyond brilliant. Like a few others, we as a family have happy memories of that day though our hearts were breaking.
One think I noticed when my DD died was the huge number of grown adults who couldn’t, wouldn’t talk to me or let me talk about my loss, some saying it made them uncomfortable another saying that the way they deal with death is to shut it out. Are we in danger of raising a society that s so removed from death that they can’t even talk about it?