Should we let our 6 year old see his dead granny?

[Thunderbolted]

Just that really.
We're taking him to the funeral but wondered whether to let him see the body the day before. Apparently she's nicely laid out. I know I found it helpful as an 11 year old to see a dead relative but I don't know if 6 is too young.
We're very open about death and what's happened so my inclination is to give him the option and let him choose. They weren't super close.
I know it's totally different but he saw our dog after he died and decorated the coffin and I think that helped him grieve.

Totally cultural. I used to work in the funeral industry and lots of cultures have open casket funerals. Children and adults would all pay respects to the body, place things in the coffin for the onward journey. Funerals are very much a celebration for some and it is just a part of life we all have to go through at some point.

As previous poster have said, it was the norm not that long ago to have your loved one laid out at home before the funeral.

Seeing dead loved ones is an upsetting thing by its very nature and one many adults find hard to process. I would worry that he would be upset by any difference in her appearance. I remember being told my husband “just looks as though he’s sleeping”. He didn’t.

Goodness me no! If it can be avoided it should be. Real life catches up with you quick enough, My mum would go spare if she thought my dd was going to see her dead body.

No I wouldn't. We are a very open family, my husband is a funeral director and very much in the 'death is natural' camp but I didn't allow my children. Its not so much that dead people are scary (although some scrub up better than others for want of a better way of putting it!) but there's something missing. Its hard to put a finger on it but when I saw my grandad he looked peaceful, presentable but very much like a body rather than my grandad. Almost like the essence of the person not being there becomes a very physical thing. As a adult I found that weirdly upsetting. I can't imagine a six year old being able to process that very easily.

I wouldn't. My granny lived with us and she died when I was 9. I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral, but I was taken to see her at the Chapel of rest. It made no sense then or now. I went and I just remember thinking that they had made her smile and it looked funny. When I think if Granny now, I see her in that coffin. It would be better if my final memory was of her in her chair, or cooking in the kitchen.

I let my kids see their dead grandparents when they were around the same age, and they took it completely in their stride.

No point making a huge mystery out of death. It's part of life.

If he is asking to see her, then I would let him.

He already has some idea of what to expect if he was involved in your dog's funeral and you say he wasn't too close to her.

Deceased furry animals look like they've gone to sleep - humans don't really, so if you are at peace with your own sense of loss enough to really prepare him for and monitor his experience I think it would be a really lovely thing to do together with him.

As someone said earlier, hidden things are far more scary, so do it if you feel it is right for both of you.

Whatever you decide, I hope it works out well for you.

I would. It’s a way to understand finality and say goodbye. I saw a few dead relatives when I was little, it was just how things were done. I don’t remember me or my siblings being upset by seeing the body.

@Thunderbolted

He asked - so yes I would let him.

He saw the dog & it helped him.

I know Granny isn't a dog, but he knows that too! If he sees her and sees she looks ok & is really dead, then it might reassure him.

The vast majority of posters on MN are English and the majority don't think children should even attend funerals, so I'm not sure you'll get a very balanced response!!

My sister was about 12 when our granny died and she got really upset when we went in to see the body, so my initial thought would be no to a 6 year old.

However, some of my family are Irish too and so I have seen a few dead relatives, done the whole loads of people chatting in the living room whilst they are in lying in the corner in a coffin thing, and actually I do think it's a healthy thing and helps you to accept death.

Not seeing the body is a very British thing, my English DH has never seen a dead body and thinks its weird that I'm not freaked out by it!

So on balance, I feel like if your son wants to see his granny then I think you should let him. One thing I have always been shocked by and that I wasn't expecting the first time was that they are so cold, so if he touches her he might find that strange.

Sending love to your family

I saw my dead great grandma ages 7 she died peacefully at night on Easter bank holiday and the undertakers took a long time to come she was dieing for a very long time and she looked more peaceful dead then Alive the thing I remember more then the body was the pain in my nans her daughters face didn’t scar me and have never really thought of it until now. I saw my dad layed out in the chapel of rest age 15 he’d been dead a good few weeks and he nothing like him and it freaked me out wish I wouldn’t have... not really helpful but that’s my experiences

I would. My son saw m grandad after he has died in hospital. He sat and talked to his body for a few minutes, said his goodbyes. For him it was hugely helpful, he was visibly much calmer after seeing him. (They were extremely close and saw each other everyday)
4 years on and he still speaks of his grandad, his memory gives him great joy and comfort - so no issues at all, it was a healthy experience for him.

I saw my grandad at 22 and wished I hadn't. Thats all I can see when I think of him.

Sorry for your loss xx

I've been through this twice (am also Irish) and I just gave my kids the choice of whether they wanted to go into the room or not, no pressure either way.

Between the age of 4 and 7, DD had to deal with 3 DGGPs (i.e. 3 of MY DGPs) dying. In the first case, I attended the house where the open coffin was alone, and DH brought DD to the church for the removal ceremony, where I met them. She went to her normal creche the day of the funeral instead (and really enjoyed it as, due to summer holidays, there happened to be an outing to a major sports stadium that she was able to go on).

For the latter 2, it was trickier. She needed to come to both houses due to DH work commitments (the 1st, he had a meeting he couldn't get out of, the 2nd, he was the other side of the globe). But we had talked to her beforehand about the death anyway (all 3 were relatively expected), and I found out from others which room the coffin would be in beforehand also. So I was able to explain it to her and give her the choice.

In the first, she stayed outside the room entirely.

In the 2nd, she pretty much stayed outside, but there were other DCousins her age who were going in and out so she did go inside the door for a moment at one point (but was too short to see into the coffin - I offered to lift her but she didn't want that).

For all 3, she only went to the Church for removals the night before, and not to the funeral mass and burial/cremation nor to the wake/meal afterwards. DH came with me to the first 2, but couldn't get home from the other side of the globe for the 3rd.

Even when it came to her DGF, when she was 9, she didn't want to see him in the coffin despite younger DCousins being in and out all day long. But she attended all the ceremonies, and the gathering afterwards (much larger but less formal, soup/sandwiches event - not full sit-down meal).

I looked at the Winstons Wish website for advice, and it was great to be able to talk to DD, and also to other family around about NOT pushing DD to do something she was not comfortable doing.

It gave her the option to go in, but it was HER choice. I didn't want to either scare or upset her, particularly as DH was away so much at that time (he spent 2 consecutive weeks every month the other side of the world) so it would have been me dealing with the fallout, on top of the fallout for me of just losing my DGP.

DD was very close to all 3 and saw them regularly - even up to the day before they died in 2 instances. And the same with DFIL, her DGF, he had a very short time after cancer dx, and DD saw him a number of times (we spent a lot of time "down home" in that 6 weeks) in hospital and hospice, just did not want to see his body.

I was 19 when I saw my first body, my DGF, and I was terrified (no one had explained much about being so cold and he didn't look like himself as they left out his dentures).

Talk, at home, gently but clearly (Winston's Wish gives good advice on language), to he knows what has happened and also that he has a choice. That choice can be made at home before you ever go anywhere, or it can be left open to decide at the funeral home or where DGM is laid out.

And once HE has made the decision, that is it. Don't let others in the family badger you into bringing him in if he has decided he doesn't want to - I stood in the doorway for prayers with DD holding my hand but standing in the hallway for 1, for example - she needed my touch, I needed to be in the room, and that kept everyone happy. And equally, if he has decided that he wants to see her, let it happen and tell the other family members that this is his decision and it is not upsetting you or him to do this (as they may be upset letting him do that). (And give DS the chance to talk about it later - let him know beforehand that it might not be a good idea to talk about it straight away, but that you will be able to talk in the car or at home if he has any questions, and then make that time/space for him to ask in a safe space - just so that his innocence in asking doesn't offend anyone outside your nuclear family, and possibly even just you and he if it is DMIL, or DH and he if it is your DM - so his questions don't unduly upset the person directly bereaved).

People get funny about death, and how things "should be done" - often without thinking about the impact of those things or their words on others. But everyone needs to understand it happens and how to deal with it.

Thanks @BiddyPop that's all really helpful

I was excluded from my much loved grandfather’s funeral at just turned seven and still resent it. I would have liked to have said goodbye to him, even if it would only have been his ‘shell’.

Be warned he may talk about it quite a lot afterwards, which may be upsetting. My 6yo found a dead bird in our garden the other day and buried it with flowers and a eulogy and keeps talking about burials etc.

I'm a nurse and looked after a lot of dying patients and performed last offices. I personally wouldn't let my son see a relative who had died, I wouldn't want to see a family member if I'm honest, either. A lot of the time, they look like they're dead, not 'asleep' as some people say and I don't want that to be my last image of them.

Jesus Christ NO

I wanted my children to see their Dad before the funeral. I thought it might be closure for them and as a healthcare practitioner I am also of the view that death is natural and normal.

I had been told he was 'nicely laid out'. On the day though I went in to see him first and he looked so horrific that I decided they couldn't and shouldn't see him.

They told me they trusted me to make the right decision for them (which kinda broke my heart all over again) and they were fine about it (maybe relieved!) They were 5, 9 and 12.

Maybe see her first and then make the decision.

A difficult one. I agree we have a culture in this country that doesn't talk about death. I think that can be hard for a child who just wants some matter of fact answers.
To answer your specific question, I've only seen one dead body in my life and still can't get the images out if my head. But I know if I hadn't I'd deeply regret it now. It depends on the relationship.
Also (sorry, there's no nice way to say this) it depends on the length of time and conditions. It was more than two week after death that I went to see my loved one and he really did not look good. And I wasn't prepared for that. It's not like on TV when the actor is just a bit grey and asleep.
That made my decision that I wouldn't let the children go, but they were in two minds anyway.
I think as the parent, it's totally your call. They did attend the funeral though.

I saw both grandfathers and my grandmoter dead- in bed and laid out in coffins- from the age 3 to 8 years old.
No scarring here!
It was the done thing to lay out the open coffin in the front room for a couple of days prior to the funeral.
All the kids in my family took it in their stride- always the adults who were more upset.

OK, so I've had an initial conversation with DS. It started with me double checking he knows what happens at a funeral (he does, he's been to one before). I explained that different cultures/countries do things differently and that some Catholics (which his granny was) hold a wake where people see the body. I explained that his dad was planning on going to see DG's body the day before the funeral.

The conversation then went:
DS: Can I see her too?
Me: Maybe if you really want to
DS Why would you think I wouldn't want to see her? I told you I did
Me: Well some people don't feel comfortable seeing dead bodies. They look and feel different from when people are alive [bit of an explanation of bodies I've seen and touched]. It's up to you but if you're keen and if we get there on time [this may be an issue!] then you probably can. We'll decide later.
DS: I want to go
Me: OK well we'll see
DS: Can I play Minecraft?

I think if we make it in time for the wake we'll scope it out/how she looks. I might take a photo to show him as an interim step. We can then see how DS feels on the day. He's been pretty clear he wants to see her and doesn't see at all phased by the idea.

Nope - I saw my Dad and it has helped me know that I never, ever want to repeat the experience.

It's really interesting seeing the different views. My family is very comfortable around death. My grandmother was very proud of her hair and when she came back from the undertaker to be laid out in the house we noticed she would have been embarrassed by the way her hair was styled. As grandchildren we got out her hairbrush and fixed her hair , sang all her favourite songs to her and told each other our favourite memories of her. It was sad but we didn't feel emotional scarred but happy that we could do that for her, as we knew it was important to her. It's an oddly happy memory during a really sad time. I know some people would think this is nuts but its just the way I grew up I suppose