Should we let our 6 year old see his dead granny?

[Thunderbolted]

Just that really.
We're taking him to the funeral but wondered whether to let him see the body the day before. Apparently she's nicely laid out. I know I found it helpful as an 11 year old to see a dead relative but I don't know if 6 is too young.
We're very open about death and what's happened so my inclination is to give him the option and let him choose. They weren't super close.
I know it's totally different but he saw our dog after he died and decorated the coffin and I think that helped him grieve.

Firstly, sorry for your loss

And no, I wouldn't let him see her body.

I saw my Grandma literally minutes after she had died because she died in our home (expected) I was 10.

Then my other grandma died when I was 18, I saw her at the funeral home and wish I hadn't. She looked very dead, not asleep and that stayed with me.

I am not squeamish about death, I held my Mum's hand as she died but I did not wish to see her in the funeral home, nor any other relative who has died since.

You can be open and honest about death without viewing a body. I think 6 is very young to be able to make a decision themselves. My children have never seen a dead body.

I absolutely wouldn't. And I wouldn't take him to the funeral either. Its no place for a child. But you must make your own decision on this. He'll remember it for the rest of his life and may well be quite unprepared for the effect it has on him.

I agree with people who say that adults who find funerals traumatic (as opposed to sad for example) were probably shielded from death as children. One of my earliest memories is of being in class at my catholic primary school. I was 6. We were all stood behind our wooden chairs saying eternal rest for my dad who had died a couple of days before. A large number of staff were from traditional catholic backgrounds and were not at all uncomfortable with this. His body was never released as such because he donated it to medical science but I was at his memorial service. What I'm trying to say is that culture of not hiding death probably affected how I coped with it. I knew what had happened and understood. I have never been traumatised by any subsequent bereavement, though admittedly they have all been of the "expected" type - elderly grandparents etc. So I am in favour of including children in proceedings after a family death. As long as it's explained and they are not forced to do something if they really don't want to it's positive.

In my experience children see it, are non plussed, and then get on playing with cousins/ eating cake or whatever. They don't internalise it like adults do. I think you've been pragmatic and made the tight decision.

@SabrinaTheTeenageBitch that was one of the things I found most comforting when I saw my grandma. Her total detachment of body and soul meant that she was free of the suffering that old age and illness had brought. Like a butterfly leaving its chrysalis behind. It is a very personal thing though and everyone has their own feelings on it.

I find it really comforting that dead people don't look like themselves. It was a lot easier burying the body that used to be my dad than it would have been to bury a body that actually seemed to be my dad.

We fixed my aunties hair too. She was waked in her own house overnight, and when she arrived and they took the lid off, they had brushed her hair off her face. She loved her fringe. So we fixed her up how she wore it. Its nice to get that time.

With my FIL, he was in the house overnight also, and the amount of stuff that made its way into the coffin! I distinctly remember a Twix going in there as they were his favourite!

My son was 4 he seen my dad (his grandad) hard not to he came home night b4 funeral open coffin. It didn't effect him or scar him for life he kissed his head stroked his hand an thst was that. I guess it depends on if you think your child will be OK with it.

Were much too squeamish about it. I've seen hundreds of bodies as a nurse and it isnt scary. If he has asked to see her and he is with a caring matter of fact adult I think you should let him. Children are hardier than you think.

No

The other thing op is will DS be ok seeing potentially people very upset at the viewing and or the funeral.

It’s defo a cultural thing though my mil was Irish and when she died all the kids went to the funeral - my mum (not Irish catholic was horrified)
The big difference I would say is that the wake was a joyful, warm event, with a singer, lots of booze and all of the extended family from all over the world in attendance. After the initial sadness it was much nicer than some of the “English” funerals.

@DrCoconut I can understand that. I was there when he passed away and it really shocked me how instantly the 'person' is gone. Its something almost tangible but also so, so difficult to explain. Its strange isn't it how differently people deal with and interpret things? I guess thats the point of this discussion - maybe some children would be fine but I personally don't think my youngest would be

My kids saw a dead great grandma aged 9 and 14 at a traditional Hindu funeral. They said it was better than the English ones they had been to where you don't see it. I think sometimes imagination is worse than the reality.

I saw my grandad who died a few days after I turned 6. It's a very positive memory for me, though it was more than 35 years ago. I can remember everything vividly. It was very peaceful and gave me the chance to understand and say goodbye. You can judge best.

Ask him OP. He's old enough to tell you what he wants. Here in Ireland we "wake" the dead so the lie at home or at the funeral home in open caskets for everyone to come and pay respects to the family. Any person who knew the deceased and/or their family will turn up. A lot bring their children. And obviously children in the family are there too...

No sorry I don’t think that’s appropriate

Depends what she looks like. I wanted my two (5, 7) to see my dad; I went to see him and he looked... wrong. His mouth was wrong and he didn’t look like himself so I didn’t take them (though they came to the funeral etc) and they remember him as he was.

@babbafett

It's really interesting seeing the different views. My family is very comfortable around death. My grandmother was very proud of her hair and when she came back from the undertaker to be laid out in the house we noticed she would have been embarrassed by the way her hair was styled. As grandchildren we got out her hairbrush and fixed her hair , sang all her favourite songs to her and told each other our favourite memories of her. It was sad but we didn't feel emotional scarred but happy that we could do that for her, as we knew it was important to her. It's an oddly happy memory during a really sad time. I know some people would think this is nuts but its just the way I grew up I suppose

My Granny's hairdresser did this - he came along to the public removal (viewing/condolences in a funeral home before the body is moved home for the night, for those who don't know) and noticed they'd done her hair completely wrong. He had a comb in his pocket so whipped it out and restyled her.

I don't see a problem with it, being from a French family I've been going to open casket funerals since a young age. I think the British are entirely too squeamish about death, it's a part of life! I cannot relate at all to these tales of being scarred by seeing dead loved ones. You know your son best OP.

Yes, I would. This is just normal to me.

@SionnachRua that's so nice, I bet your granny would have really appreciated that he did that.

@testing987654321

My kids saw a dead great grandma aged 9 and 14 at a traditional Hindu funeral. They said it was better than the English ones they had been to where you don't see it. I think sometimes imagination is worse than the reality.

Nothing colder than a funeral where it's all about keeping up the appearances/modelled upon 'How would The Queen Do It?' and death cannot be mentioned, just in case somebody acknowledges you're at a funeral.

Is there a divide depending upon the country in part because of funeral timings? I don’t think I’ve been to a funeral here in England that was more recent that about 11 days post mortem. And we tend not to embalm.

My dad died overseas in had a post mortem there, then was embalmed for flight (had to be, by law) and then had to have another post mortem here to comply with the coroner’s instructions. Anyway - even with all that I was surprised that the funeral was about 12 days after his death.

I’d heard that in Ireland for example there aren’t the massive delays for crematorium/burial services (though I might be wrong).

I saw my Grandad, in his coffin, he was my hero, i was 5yo and i have never forgotten it, i was terrified.

Far too young to take in the enormity of death.

@Janleverton that's a good point. In Ireland everything is done in three days. If someone died on a Monday for example it would very unusual if they were buried/cremated any later than the Wednesday. Only time I've experienced it later than that was when someone cause of death needed to be confirmed by a post mortem. Even then they were buried within 5 days