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Original poster

Am feeling much much worse - I think the shock is wearing off now

354 replies

Mummy2TandF · 30/09/2007 23:23

I really didn't want to keep posting and depressing people, especially as you have all been so kind but I am having a really bad time atm , I feel so alone and I can't stop crying . All my rl friends have been saying how brave I have been but I am worn out trying not to cry in front of them They all have their own lives and they don't need me sobbing I phoned my bf the other evening and couldn't even talk, just sobbed and she said "what's the matter" I just snapped at her and said - Oh, I can't begin to imagine what could be wrong with me . I feel angry and sad and alone
Toby looks out of the frech doors every night now and says, goodnight Daddy in the moon, I love you - I told my mum tonight that he does this and it breaks my heart every time and she said that I had to tell him to stop because I will turn him into a morbid child .... Honestly, do you all agree with her?

OP posts:
Tinker · 30/09/2007 23:27

Oh, you poor, poor thing. No, I don't agree with your mum. He's got to find his own way of grieving. Oh god, it's all awful. Of course you'll still feel like crying. And having kids puts even more pressure on you to suppress it so it feels more shocking when the crying starts again. Maybe. Please keep posting. Hopefully your friend just wasn't thinking properly, was caught out a bit.

tutu100 · 30/09/2007 23:29

I haven't posted on your threads before, but I have been following them and I think you are so brave. I think if your son gets comfort from saying good night to his dad and you are ok with it (I know you find it upsetting but you know what I mean) then let him. I don't think there is anything harmful about that. It will not make him a morbid child, it's giving him an outlet for his emotions.

I don't really know what else to say but I am thinking of you. Please keep posting and let everyone know if there's anything we can do to help.

BecauseImWorthIt · 30/09/2007 23:29

You need to grieve in any way that suits you. Don't worry about what others say - in all probability they are feeling awkward and won't know what to say. But if they're true friends, they will be there for you no matter what.

As will we be at MN - just rant away whenever you need to. You know there will always be someone here to listen, help, cajole, support - whatever you need.

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 30/09/2007 23:32

Wow - that was quick! I quite like the fact that ds says goodnight to Craig ... I still do everynight It hadn't entered my head that there was anything wrong with it until mum said that to me, I don't want him to forget his Daddy

OP posts:
Marina · 30/09/2007 23:33

Your mother comes from a different generation and IME they are very hung up on not allowing small children to grieve or express their other feelings about death. Ignore her.
I do agree with Tinker, I think your friend was caught unawares and the wrong phrase popped out of her head.
My bereavement has been a stillbirth so very different from yours, but I remember the violent anger towards my baby, towards God, towards my family, towards myself. Anger is an essential but scary part of grief IME. It turns you into a different, sometimes nasty person...temporarily.
I found posting on here very helpful. You've only just lost your husband you poor love XXX

Jackstini · 30/09/2007 23:34

No I don't agree with your Mum. Toby is doing what he needs to do to remember his Daddy, nothing wrong with that and I think it's a lovely sentiment.
I guess you are now in that 'lull' that happens after first shock, funeral etc. when visits and calls drop off - often just when you need it most. Please don't wear yourself out trying not to cry in front of your friends. They wouold be bloody daft to think you were past tears at this stage. Be brave and honest and let people know you still need them. Sometimes they just don't know what to do for the best as they have never been in your situation.
And M2TF, you are not depressing me, I am in awe of how you keep going day after day. Take every moment as it comes and don't do anything you are not ready for.

RGPargy · 30/09/2007 23:34

Agree with Tinker. Please keep posting and i also dont agree with your mum about getting your little DS to stop saying it. If you did that it could give him the wrong signal and he could possibly think it was wrong to show grief or to grieve etc.

We are always here for you so please, keep posting. What you need is to call a good friend and just have her there with you while you sob your heart out. Even if she says nothing, just having her there for hugging purposes will help. Have you got a friend who would be willing to be your shoulder for the night?

Megglevampire · 30/09/2007 23:34

Oh dear. You poor thing you sound as if your heart is breaking.

I'm just so glad you have a place here where you can really let off steam and talk and talk. Nobody here will snap at you or get depressed listening to you.

I'm very struck by your little boy's routine- bless his heart. FWIW I think he should be allowed/encouraged to express his grief in this way. I think in time you will both remember those times with both sadness and fondness.

BecauseImWorthIt · 30/09/2007 23:34

Why on earth would you want him to forget his daddy?! I think it's lovely that he talks to him/about him - although I can understand it might be distressing for others.

You have to do what works for you and your dc - and no-one else can tell you what that will be/should be.

Marina · 30/09/2007 23:36

My husband lost his dad when he was a young child in sudden circumstances. He wasn't allowed to go to the funeral. He doesn't know where his father's remains are. The date of his death is never marked. No-one kept telling him how much his dad loved him. Honestly, you really are doing the right thing for Toby. He'll grow up remembering the love XXX

Megglevampire · 30/09/2007 23:37

Marina that is so terribly sad.

Marina · 30/09/2007 23:38

We live with the consequences to this day Megg and I guess that's one of the many reasons why I am full of admiration for Mummy2TandF as a parent and as a wife.

Tinker · 30/09/2007 23:38

Oh Marina. You're doing the right thing M2T&F

MarsLady · 30/09/2007 23:38

You post away angel. We're listening.

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 30/09/2007 23:40

Marina - I agree about my friend, I know she didn't mean it the way it came out but it was my anger that shocked me, I am normally such a "middle of the road" person emotionally and I am finding it hard to deal with the extremes I am feeling I do feel angry at Craig for leaving us, angry that someone can die for no reason (according to the PM), Jealous of my friends for still having their dh's ... the list is never ending. I will keep posting it does really help me to talk things through with normal people and not my mum, she has been a good help around the house etc (except for rearranging my cupboards and throwing out the trainers that dh bought for ds) but she is really bad at being emotionally supportive and that's where mn is great. I am sorry for the loss of your baby, I can't begin to imagine what you went through {{{hug}}}

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 30/09/2007 23:43

Sorry, I missed all thoses posts while typing - Thank you to you all

OP posts:
Marina · 30/09/2007 23:47

I often think rearranging your cupboards is all some mothers are fit for at times like this, mine came out with some awful remarks while tidying madly too. It hurts so much when they can't just give you a warm hug and let you cry yourself out, doesn't it.
A book I found very helpful about dealing with grief was by Virginia Ironside, called "You'll Get Over It" - title is ironic. It is such a wise book that you'll find it in any library. Written by someone who has been there.

NoNameToday · 01/10/2007 09:39

Hello Mummy2TandF

You know as a mother you would choose to suffer any pain if it meant your child was spared suffering.

Perhaps that is what you're mum wants to do for you, she may feel that when Toby says goodnight to his Daddy and you say it breaks your heart, she wants to protect you from further pain.

Grief is a very difficult emotion to deal with and I don't feel there is any right way for everyone.

Time alone was the greatest healer for me.

I hope your loving family and friends will continue to support you until that time has passed for you.

onlyjoking9329 · 01/10/2007 10:06

Mummy2TandF
i think one of the problms with someone dying is that lots of people expect you to fall apart when it happens, if you get throu the early days on auto pilot people can think you are ok and doing really well.
when all the sorting is done and the funeral is over people retreat thinking that the worst is now over so you will be ok.
i don't think it works like that i am sure that you will have moments where things seem ok and then other times when things are really crap but you just don't want to talk to people in RL cos you want to spare their feelings and also cos it hurts too much to talk about it. And cos you worry that if you start crying you will never ever stop.
keep posting i know it helps.

TimeForMe · 01/10/2007 10:18

Hi MummytoTandF

I think it's lovely that your little boy say's goodnight to his daddy and no, I don't think you should take that away from him. He will be coping with the loss of his daddy in his own little way and this is a part of it.

As for your mum and your friends, sometimes, when someone we love and care about is hurting and distressed we can't bear it, we feel out of control because we can't make it better for them or take their pain away. This makes us want them to 'get over it' as soon as possible, not for their sakes but for ours.

I don't think your mum is intentionally being hurtful, I think she just hates seeing you so upset and doesn't know how to deal with it. She feels powerless.

I am thinking of you constantly, keep posting! xx

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 01/10/2007 10:20

onlyjoking - I think that is it, people kept on saying how brave I was being and how they would have fallen apart but I was on autopilot and don't want to upset the people around me Now everything has gone back to normal for everyone else the hugeness of it all has really started to hit me and I don't feel that I will be able to get through it, we were supposed to be together for the next 50 years and watch the dc's grow up and have families, of course I will still do that but how heartbreaking everytime something happens .... we were suposed to be doing these things together and sharing our lives

OP posts:
mufti · 01/10/2007 10:22

have you thought about bereavement counselling for you?
there are so many kind people on here, i am glad its here and that you can come on here and get support and love

berolina · 01/10/2007 10:22

Oh M2TandF

Your ds sounds wonderful. He is coping with his grief in a deeply touching, childlike way. Telling him to stop wold be conterproductive - not taking his grief and his feelings seriously.

I think real friends will understand, no, know that you have to sob, you have to grieve, and will not hold it against you if you are snappy. I agree with Tinker on your friend's reaction.

RubySlippers · 01/10/2007 10:24

you all have to grieve as you need to
there are no rights and wrongs
i think your DS probably finds it comforting - a kind of good night ritual

FWIW if you need, i am also an Essex girl - if you ever need or want a RL visit let me know

take care

onlyjoking9329 · 01/10/2007 10:28

i think i kind of understand some of how you are feeling, we are doing lots of grieving and all the other stuff at the moment and it is bloody hard.

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