Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Am feeling much much worse - I think the shock is wearing off now

354 replies

Mummy2TandF · 30/09/2007 23:23

I really didn't want to keep posting and depressing people, especially as you have all been so kind but I am having a really bad time atm , I feel so alone and I can't stop crying . All my rl friends have been saying how brave I have been but I am worn out trying not to cry in front of them They all have their own lives and they don't need me sobbing I phoned my bf the other evening and couldn't even talk, just sobbed and she said "what's the matter" I just snapped at her and said - Oh, I can't begin to imagine what could be wrong with me . I feel angry and sad and alone
Toby looks out of the frech doors every night now and says, goodnight Daddy in the moon, I love you - I told my mum tonight that he does this and it breaks my heart every time and she said that I had to tell him to stop because I will turn him into a morbid child .... Honestly, do you all agree with her?

OP posts:
fransmom · 01/10/2007 22:10

hi sweetheart, i too don't agree with your mom at all. i think it is really sweet the way toby says goodnight to craig, he is his dad, not some remote person who didn't haev any effect whatsoever.

i also think that your mom wants to spare you from anymore pain but on the other hand, i don't hink she ubnderstands at all. they are form a different generation that think there is a short period of mourning before 'normal' life resumes. life after bereavement stops for what seems like ages, then gradually you will see light at the end of the tunnel but other days there will only be darkness. this will change to be more bright days and i don't know craig but i don't think tht he would want you to feel at all guilty for having good days. i know i may be saying this ahead of time, id on' thik that you will get over things in the way that some people do - time is no the great healer that everyone supposes but it does help you find things a little easier if not completely easy.

i hope that what i have said makes sense. i wish you a good night's sleep(((((((((((((((((m2tandf))))))))))))))))))))

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 01/10/2007 23:05

Thanks again everyone, I did go to mums for dinner but couldnt wait to get away I just sort of go into myself when I am there, I sat down and didn't speak hardly a word It is hard for me to say much atm without mentioning Craig and I know that mum and dad don't really want to hear that. I did pop into my nans though (she lives in the annex at mums) and we had a good old chat and a cry, it made me realise how lonely she has been since my grandad died 12 years ago, but I didn't really think of that before, I suppose it is because she is older but she lost her husband too and now I see how much she has suffered - we have always had a good relationship though and she said that me phoning her in the evenings really helps her, I know what she means now

OP posts:
onlyjoking9329 · 01/10/2007 23:14

good to see that you got to talk to your nan.
i have found that there are two types of people there are the people who will listen and try to understand and then there are the poeple who ask if you are ok but only want you to say yes, you can usually tell the difference as i find the second group carry on walking away from you as they ask you
surround yourself for now with people from the first group and take little notice of the second group.
having said that the second group are good for a bit of escapism.

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 01/10/2007 23:24

onlyjoking - yes, I am sure that you have experienced the people who ask because they think they should ask but don't really want to know the answer.
Although saying that up until a few days ago, whenever anybody asked how I was I just said "well, you know" because I didn't want to off load on them but I realised that it wasn't doing me any good, that only left the evenings when I am on my own to have major breakdowns Now I think that most people are "getting over things" or rather returning to their normal lives, I feel a bit more able to say exactly how I am feeling - that is of course if anybody does phone or pop round it is very lonely Craigs nephew text me the other night saying "I am missing him loads at the moment, made me want to know you are ok. Are you ok?" and I phoned him back crying my eyes out I felt guilty for that though, people don't need my grief on top of thier own

OP posts:
snowleopard · 01/10/2007 23:27

M2T&F, your parents sound as if they are very scared of the strong emotions that are an absolutely essential part of grieving. I'm so glad you can come here because you need to be able to cry and let it all out, over and over probably. It is not really a case of "doing well" if you shut down and don't cry - you need to cry, you need to think of Craig, and so does your DS. It's not morbid or a failure in any way.

A good friend will help you to sob and go over things as often as you need to. Could you open up to one of them who you think might be sympathetic?

onlyjoking9329 · 01/10/2007 23:32

it is hard thou as you have your own grief to deal with and the kids grief and then you end up having to spare other people the grief. it is all so hard for you.
the people that really care will be around for you no matter what, they are invaluable. we have a few mates like that who don't run and hide when you mention death. then there are the others who say they didn't ring cos they didn't like to intrude when you know what they really mean is they don't know what to say or don't want to cope with what you might say or don't know what to say if you get upset.

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 02/10/2007 10:05

I can't beliveve it is Tuesday again , I have taken Toby to playschool this morning and I can't believe I went out looking the way I do I look like the local nutter! i am just going to call my friend in a minute and see if the offer of dinner tonight still stands, I can't bear to be on my own especially on Tuesdays Thank You all for last night, it is good to be able to come on here and chat when the house is soooo quiet, the times when I am on my own nobody seems to phone or text or anyhting but when I have people here the phone seems to go mad - it is either all or nothing

OP posts:
maggie61 · 02/10/2007 10:50

so sorry to know you are having such a difficult time and that you are not getting support from you family. i understand the tuesday feelings my ds died on a tuesday 6 years ago now but i remember having to relive the dreadful details of his last 24 hours each time tuesday came round.you will find ways to cope and it will ease , i know its not comparable but just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts.xx

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 02/10/2007 11:11

The artificial flowers that I ordered for the 2 lakes have arrived this morning They are so lovely, I am now frantically trying to find somebody to come over the lakes with me so that I can put them where they should be - I can't seem to get in touch with anyone, I sometimes think that they don't answer when they see it is me calling incase I break down Until I have a small double buggy, I can't take the dc's with me to do it because toby doesn't stay still and I worry when we are by the water (but I am on another thread negotiating for a P&T at the mo) I really want to put them over there today, especially the lake where Craig died , it just seems right with it being a Tuesday aswell, oh well am of to keep phoning people now

OP posts:
fransmom · 02/10/2007 14:23

(((((((((((((((((m2tandf))))))))))))))))))))

NAB3 · 02/10/2007 14:24

I would come with you but think we are too far away. Hope you find someone to help.

bumperlicious · 02/10/2007 16:07

I would too but nowhere near. good luck x

GColdtimer · 02/10/2007 16:31

Oh m2tandf, I so hope you find someone to go with you. I would be am too far away. . I haven't read all of this thread, just your first post but I really don't think that you should stop Toby staying good night to his Daddy in the moon. It makes me cry just thinking about it but it will help him deal with things in the long run.

Having been on the other side of this, as a friend, please don't hide your emotions from them. You need to cry and get angry and vent and rant at the unfairness of it all. Don't feel you have to be "brave". You are being braver than you can ever imagine but being brave doesn't mean putting a smile on your face and carrying on with life.

I hope posting on here helps you just a little bit. XXXXX

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 02/10/2007 20:50

Thanks again everyone, I have not long been back from my friends (went for dinner), The flowers are all still in my car there was nobody to come with me ... I really would have liked them there for tonight beause it is a Tuesday, but will have to try again tomorrow to see if anybody can come with me. If not maybe simebody would sit with the dc's while I go over there on my own but I don't really hold out much hope for that either. I know some people are going to think I am mad but I have booked to see a clairvoyant tomorrow....am not too sure if I believe, but musical toys have been setting themselves off in the house when I am thinking about Craig (and the dc's are in bed) and a friend has taken pictures of both lakes and me and says that there are orbs? in them but not on any of the other photos on the same camera taken at the same times As I said I am not sure whether I believe or not but felt that I needed to book, I am going not expecting anything and all we can do is see - I think it has just given me something else to take my time up with really

OP posts:
bumperlicious · 02/10/2007 20:54

you have to do whatever you can to get yourself through the worst. Can't believe no-one could go with you. My heart goes out to you mummytot&f x

bumperlicious · 02/10/2007 21:07

If I didn't have a 3 month old bf baby I would drive right out to you. I know that is an empty offer, but I just feel for you so much and feel useless. Let me know if there is anything I can do remotely for you.

princessmel · 02/10/2007 21:09

Where are you Mummy2TandF?? I can't believe nobody could go with you. What were they all doing that they couldn't get out of??

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 02/10/2007 21:11

I am in Romford,Essex - As I said, I think that people are avoiding my calls because I have sort of fallen apart these last few days I will try again tomorrow though because I really want the flowers to be where they should be

OP posts:
princessmel · 02/10/2007 21:17

But you are allowed to fall apart. They shouldn't be avoiding your calls. Thats unfair. Can you go round to their houses?

citylover · 02/10/2007 23:37

MummyToT&F

I can come over on Saturday late afternoon if you can't find anyone as ex H is having children. really please contact me if you want me to I could easily drive over and look after DCs.

Citylover

Screaminglips · 02/10/2007 23:42

{{{{{{{{{BIG HUGS TO YOU!}}}}}}}}

onlyjoking9329 · 02/10/2007 23:44

if i were nearer i would help you with anything i could.

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 02/10/2007 23:47

citylover - thanks so much for the offer (you haven't met ds!) but I should be fine, a friend called me this evening and she said that she can come over to the lake with me on Saturday if I haven't found anybody before then. That really was kind of you - to think that all the friends I have in rl and it is a "stranger" who offers to help I found the same thing when I discovered my financial situation, friends dissapeared but kind mumsnetters through LittleLapin sent contributions, it all means sooo much to me, I just can't put it into words. Thank you ever so much, all of you

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 02/10/2007 23:48

onlyjoking, you are such a good person to think of me, you have enough to deal with yourself

OP posts:
MarsLady · 02/10/2007 23:51

Just popping in to say that I'm thinking of you and you remain in my prayers.