Am feeling much much worse - I think the shock is wearing off now

[Mummy2TandF]

I really didn't want to keep posting and depressing people, especially as you have all been so kind but I am having a really bad time atm , I feel so alone and I can't stop crying . All my rl friends have been saying how brave I have been but I am worn out trying not to cry in front of them They all have their own lives and they don't need me sobbing I phoned my bf the other evening and couldn't even talk, just sobbed and she said "what's the matter" I just snapped at her and said - Oh, I can't begin to imagine what could be wrong with me . I feel angry and sad and alone
Toby looks out of the frech doors every night now and says, goodnight Daddy in the moon, I love you - I told my mum tonight that he does this and it breaks my heart every time and she said that I had to tell him to stop because I will turn him into a morbid child .... Honestly, do you all agree with her?

I don't think that the sadness and loss go away, MTandF, but they get easier to bear and to live with. Your posts bring back the early days for me and I do so understand where you are and how dark and lonely it all is. The depth of the grief is a reflection of the depth of the love that you felt for that person and it is normal for you to feel so sad/shocked/angry. Your children will pull you through because your love for them will drive you forward and keep you going, even when you think you can't.

Just getting out of bed every morning is a feat.

Be gentle to yourself, and to others. No one knows what to say to you and often say the wrong things; but they are there for you no matter what, and that is worth all the tact in the world.

No. Don't agree with your mum at all I'm afraid. It is his special way of being close to his daddy now he can't be physically near him. Imo repression of this will store up problems for the future. Repressed grief is a bad thing and he needs to be able to express his feelings for sure.

Thinking of you still
x

Your post brought tears to my eyes MTT&F.

Ignore your mum. IMO she is wrong, there is nothing wrong with a little boy saying goodnight to his daddy - it doesn't matter where his daddy is. FWIW I don't think she meant it badly.

I cannot imagine how alone you feel. Just know that you can always come on here and rant, cry or just lurk.

I suffered a very shocking bereavement when I was 17. My psychotherapist at the time told me to compartmentalise absolutely everything in my life into boxes. If one box was just too damn hard to deal with, I was to put it away at the back of my mind and move onto the next box.

Some days the angry boxes were so big and heavy I struggled to breath, but then as the days wore on, little happy boxes started opening up here and there and ever so slowly they started to outweigh the big angry ones.

Your life has been turned upside down in every way imaginable. Don't feel bad that you are not superhuman. Don't feel bad for cyring.

Lean on your friends and family. They love you and will support you.

Hi - I have been watching your posts and I think you are doing so well, in so much pain. Your mum probably just wants to protect you and the LO's from more pain, nut lots of people say goodnight to lost ones who have gone to live in their own bright little star. It's not morbid, but a real attempt to understand where dad has gone.
keep going.

Hi M2TandF. So Sorry you are feeling so unhappy {{{hugs}}}

My freind lost her husband suddenly 2 years ago next month. Like you she coped amazingly in those early days but I think the whole of that first year was very hard for her. We regularly talk about her dh and the children say Goodnight to daddy's star every night. I think thats very healthy not morbid. Last year she took her 2 boys (then 5 and 6) to Lapland for Xmas and her older one looked out of his window Xmas eve and ssid " Look mummy Daddy's star has come with us" - Brings a lump to my throat whenever i think about it.

Some people aren't very good at handling other peoples raw emotions but you need to talk about how you are feeling so if there is no-one in RL you feel comfortable enough to talk to then please keep coming on here.

mummy2tandf I have no idea what you are going through but i don't think your mum is right. your ds needs to deal with what's happened in his own way. as do you. and if that means posting every day for the next year to tell us how you are doing then you do that. of course your life is not going to get back to normal already. gosh, iwish i had something constructive to say that would help, but i'm thinking of you and your family.

I haven't posted before, but have followed your posts. I think you're doing the right thing by letting him say goodnight. You don't want him to forget his daddy.

I send you loads of hugs. I can't imagine what it's like and I think you're doing really well. It must be good for you to let out your emotions on here as you find it difficult with rl friends. Hang on in there. xx

M2TandF, I have been watching your posts with a heavy heart. There are so many wise posts here, many of which have been repeated to me by RL friends over the past few months since we lost DD2.
There are definitely no rights or wrongs for you just now. Not only have you got your immediate grief to deal with but also the thought of a future so altered from the one you were expecting. Like the boxes analogy earlier, sometimes the only way to deal with everything is a little at a time.

I have admired the way you are coping with your children's grief. Fwiw, I think your son, thanks to you, is doing so well. DD1 talks 'to' her sister often. DD2 is part of everyday conversation and part of the family. This is very important to us and we've had to address this with her grandparents who clammed up whenever DD2 was mentioned, partly due to generational attitudes. I think it helps to accept that at times you will have to explain to others how you want to deal with things. Even though it may seem you don't have the energy to do so, it can make you feel better and also shows others how to help you.

Take care and believe you are doing the best for you and your family.

So many wise posts here. Just wanted to add another voice to say thinking about you. Your ds sounds like he is dealing beautifully.

Oh, sweetie, you don't have to be brave, you don't have to be 'reasonable', and I think it is lovely that your lisstle boy says goodnight to Daddy in the moon.

What has heppened to you and your family - including Craig is NOT reasonable, and NOT OK, so you don't have to live as if it was.

Hi mumm2TandF

I remember feeling that way when my mum died...really hits you when everyone elses life goes back to normal,and yours never will
I really would like to pop over and see you, not sure what the best way of swapping dets is? I really am just round the corner (well 10 mins), so let me know.

By the way i think you are correct in letting your ds deal with it in this way. I think irs his way of saying good night etc
Big hugs xxxxxxxxx

Thanks everyone, that is why it helps me to post on here, you all just let me vent! My mum has phoned, she wants us to go over for dinner this evening ... I don't feel like I can grieve in front of her, both mum and dad tell me to put a smile on my face and move on My dad says that you can't change what has happened only look to the future, but at the moment I can't see a future and I want to keep thinking about Craig I can't bear to think that there will come a time when I don't think of him every minute of the day

Beller - I just replied to your post on the other thread, thanks

Of course you can't just put a smile on your face, and shouldn't be expected to, and of course you will be thinking of Craig all the time - don't feel you have to try to be strong.

So sorry for everything you're going through.

Thinking of you.x

I think your mum and dad are so worried for you, scared you will go under, they just want you to 'get over it' as sson as possible.

This is something that you cannot do for other people. Only you can decide when you want to put a smile on your face again. That day will come but, it is very early days yet.

You are doing so very well, you just keep doing your best and forget about other people and what they want and expect from you.

This is your time!

xx

Mummy2 my dear friend has recently suffered a very similar bereavement, I think she posted somewhere on your other thread. I've been thinking of you a lot as she is constantly in my thoughts.

I just wanted to say don't worry about crying in front of your rl friends. As a friend, yes we have our own lives but when it's somebody you care a lot about having a tough time you want them to express themselves however they need to. We want to take the pain away but can't. Do whatever you need to, I'd hate to think of my friend keeping things bottled up to save me, I'm sure your friends would feel the same.

I think your're handling the situation with your little boy exactly right, he needs to express his thoughts too.

Thinking of you.

Message withdrawn

no, don't stop him - and so sorry to hear that you are finding it tough -it's bound to be very hard - lots of hugs to you

No I dont agree with your mum. This is so sad and difficult for all of you and if that is helping him cope then its good for him.
I know a family where their baby son died and the other child would often talk to him while she was having tea etc. She did not turn into a morbid child. It helped her and allowed her to talk about him.

Also just wanted to say that your friend will be fine about you snapping at her. She probably didn't know what to say and so just said the usual 'whats the matter?'

I really feel for you. Please dont feel alone. You can always talk on here.

Your 10.20 post made me cry. Cry for what you are going to miss sharing. I can't even begin to understand how you are feeling but I am sure I speak for everyone when I say we are all here for you.

Is there anything you need/want at the moment that somebody here can help with?

Hello M2T&F - I haven't posted before but I just wanted to say how sorry I was to read about your husband. It must be especially hard for you now that everyone else seems to be getting back to normality, you're left to deal with the grief of this brutally sudden loss on your own. But I wanted to add my voice to everyone else's and say that I hope you keep posting here - everyone who has read your story here is thinking of you and willing you on.

Don't feel bad about snapping at your friend. But equally, as others have said, you shouldn't be afraid to show friends how you're feeling. You won't make them uncomfortable. If they're trying to console you when you're upset at least they can feel they're helping a bit, and that's all they want to do. And your son's sweet nightly ritual is heartbreaking, but his way of understanding what has happened, so your mum is wrong about telling him to stop.