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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Support For Anyone After The Loss Of A Parent.

985 replies

Mummylin · 06/04/2020 11:59

I hope this thread will be as supportive and welcoming as we have had in the past. It is so heartwarming to see the support you all give each other. Wishing you all well. 💐

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UncomfortableBadger · 28/01/2021 09:26

Really feeling for you @Sisterlove as we did the same yesterday. Makes it all so much more real. My heart actually hurts.

There’s such a delay at the moment here that we can’t have the funeral for 4-6 weeks most likely. Feels like prolonging the agony...

mrssunshinexxx · 28/01/2021 09:33

This thread is so so so sad but I do find much comfort from you all even though I wish this was happening to none of us!
I was sorting through old photos of mum last night so many of her in her twenties so many things I wish I had asked but I thought I had a lifetime with her

rttcbabyno1 · 28/01/2021 10:56

Morning all.
My Dads funeral today 😢 I'm really dreading it. As much as I've wanted it to hurry up as there was a bit of a delay, I'm so anxious as I know it's going to be a really weird day.

@mrssunshinexxx I know exactly what you mean, I've felt the same too. Lots of photos of my dad that I'd not seen before, like he had this whole life before he had me and I didn't ask much about it 😢😢 how selfish of me.

@DazedandConfused27 have the doctors been giving you any updates on your Dad? Do you have a rough idea on how long left or is it just any day? I really feel for you 💔 you and your mum be strong for eachother. If you father is in any sort of pain you may get some sort of comfort that he'll. get to be at peace. I'm so sorry I'm probably saying the wrong thing. Lots of love to you x

Sisterlove · 28/01/2021 11:55

@DazedandConfused27

I'm sorry you had a rough day. It's just a horrible place to be seeing your parent slip away. Your poor mum too. I know what you mean about how it will affect her long term.

That's the same with my dad. He's so low. He's become more confused and he absolutely can't be left on his own at the moment. I don't know when that will change, as he never did like being alone. He'll die of loneliness and heartbreak.

@UncomfortableBadger

It's awful isn't it. Doing a eulogy, ordering funeral flowers and yes, the priest has said it's so busy with funerals at the moment.

Like you, my heart hurt. I want to think it will get better and I remember how distraught my mum was when her mum passed away. I know she went on to have happy times and lived a full life. It gives me hope, but I'm nowhere near there now.

@rttcbabyno1
I hope all goes well today. I know it will be hard. My thoughts are with you.

My mum always shared stories of when she was younger and growing up with us. I don't think anything was unanswered. All I feel is that covid has robbed me of my mum and taken her from us.

She had lots to look forward to....DGC graduations, weddings, becoming a greatgrandmother and so much more.

If there was no covid, I would still have my mum and it's just such a cruel devastating thing to come to terms with.

Sorry...I don't mean to bring you all down. It's just so hard.😓

mrssunshinexxx · 28/01/2021 13:18

It's not selfish @rttcbabyno1 it's natural for us to feel this way we think we had more time. I hope today is bearable x

Brillig · 28/01/2021 15:55

Strength to you @rttcbabyno1. This is a rite of passage. It’s an awful thing but you will get through it xx

mrssunshinexxx · 28/01/2021 15:59

You aren't bringing us down we feel your pain too it's so so so unfair and cruel and shit !! I hate covid too massively I feel our government could of protected ALOT of lives by shutting borders immediately last year. My mum didn't die of covid but I really worry that she was feeling unwell but was scared to go to the doctors because of covid, I hadn't seen her for 5 weeks before she died because of covid, 5 people only at her funeral, social distancing ever since, no one allowed in ambulance with her or to the hospital until they knew she was dying
My heart hurts for us all

BigWoollyJumpers · 28/01/2021 16:22

I'm not sure this is the right place for me. I am bit out of my depth, as I am not as devastated as I should be. It's really odd, maybe I haven't come to terms with it.

My DM (92) and my StepF (86) both died 2 weeks ago of Covid, in their care home and within 48 hours of one another. We had expected StepF to die so many times in the last few years, multiple issues, that his death really was a release. My DM, although old, was basically healthy. She was only in the care home to keep StepF company. Her death was therefore very unexpected. However, because she was that old, she was very ready to go. Both had advanced directives for no hospital treatment, or aggressive treatment for saving of life, so they were both pretty pragmatic about dying. DM was not at all religious either, so dying is just the end of a natural life.

I am honestly not sure how to feel. For both of them, in different ways, this was not a tragedy. I think what's difficult to accept is how they went, and so fast. In another way, thank goodness they went together, they would have been bereft without one another. So, again another thing to be thankful for.

Because we are two different families, my mum having married a second time, but later in life, the funerals are separate. So we two funerals in one week, in a couple of weeks time. One burial, which I have never been to, and not looking forward to, and one cremation. Both will be quick 20 minute jobs, with no church service, just committals. So again, a bit unreal. We plan to have memorials later in the year so that their friends can attend. Although tbh, most of their friends had already passed away.

It's just a really weird time. We lost FIL last year too, and that was so much more tragic, but can't put my finger on why. Maybe, because he was the first GP to go? It's been a bad 6 months for us.

Sisterlove · 28/01/2021 17:12

I feel our government could of protected ALOT of lives by shutting borders immediately last year.

This is exactly how I feel.
Why didn't they follow what Australia and New Zealand did.

Now we've got the worse death rate from covid and my mum is one of them.

I know I'd be distraught however she passed, but this feels like it could have been avoidable.

I truly wish none of us were here now, even though I know that we all go at some point.

I pray we all get strength to help us through our grief.

I hope we'll all be able to smile with fond loving memories of our parents in time.

Brillig · 29/01/2021 12:34

It’s just another kind of grieving, @BigWoollyJumpers. It’s good that you can feel realistic and accepting about your mum having reached the end of her natural life-span and saying goodbye in a calm spirit. I’m happy for you and it’s good to hear someone feeling a sense of....not rightness perhaps, but completeness. Your mum lived her long life and had come to terms with her end, and you had accepted that too.

I can completely understand about your step-dad as well - my dad had dementia and we felt glad for him that he was at peace finally.

But all the same, nobody wants two close family deaths in quick succession and two funerals to follow. Perhaps there isn’t devastating grief for you but I’m sure there is bewilderment and a degree of shock, especially having lost your FIL too Flowers

DazedandConfused27 · 29/01/2021 21:02

Today was the worst yet. Dad's medication has been removed now as it's not doing anything anymore. All he is getting is pain relief and sedation. He doesn't look like himself anymore. I can't even describe how painful it is to see him like this. I know it won't be long now. My heart is breaking.

mrssunshinexxx · 29/01/2021 22:12

@DazedandConfused27 so so so sorry. I don't even know what to say I just couldn't ignore you. It is so cruel. For your sake and his I hope he slips away peacefully soon x

Brillig · 30/01/2021 10:10

I'm so very sorry @DazedandConfused27. You might not even be checking on here for a while, understandably, but we're all here for you.

Sisterlove · 31/01/2021 01:00

Just feeling sad today. Had a cry with Dsis and DF earlier on.

It just feels so unreal. Looking at pics of my mum, sorting out my outfit for the funeral and all that.

So many things remind me of her. What she used to say, how she made us laugh and just her beautiful caring nature.

I had her all my life and am so grateful she was a fantastic mum. The sudden loss is making it so traumatic though.

I'm worried about developing some kind of PTSD in relation to covid, as just the word makes me shudder.

There's no escape from my mum's cause of death in this crazy world right now and just leaving the house feels challenging.

mrssunshinexxx · 31/01/2021 07:41

@Sisterlove there is no escaping it, you're right. I don't know what to say to you other than I feel your pain. How many are you allowed at the funeral? We were only allowed 5 it sickened me her funeral would of filled a football pitch in normal times

Sisterlove · 31/01/2021 10:18

@mrssunshinexxx

We can have 30 at the funeral. That will be taken up with family. We probably won't have IP to 30, as deciding who to make up to 30 may cause some people to be upset.

Some of mums friends have said they'll come and sit in their car outside the church, so they feel more connected and part of it.

In normal times, the church wouldn't contain all the people who would attend. Mum was so liked by lots of people from years and years.

Then I come back to, if this was normal times, she'd still be here. Covid took her and I continue to feel haunted by it. It's going to take a long time to live any semblance of a normal life for me and I'm worried about how that will affect me/my family.

I just don't know if I'm coming or going, but people tell me to take one day at a time.

They tell me although I'm crushed now, it will reduce, but always be with me and I'll be able to accept it and carry on.

I guess it makes sense, but it's hard to be logical in this mad world.

mrssunshinexxx · 31/01/2021 11:57

@Sisterlove
Personally I hate it when people say I will feel 'better ' in time or it will get easier.
The bond I had with my mum was immense. I will carry this pain and sadness every day for the rest of my life in 20 years I'm sure I will still look a picture or think of a memory and drop to the floor just the same. Some things you never get over and I'm unsure why people are always in a rush to try and make those that are grieving.
The loss is sometimes simply too big to move on from.
Take each day as it comes you really are in the thick of it now and as you say if it wasn't for covid she would be here and o can't imagine how much that must play on your mind. Sending love

Sisterlove · 31/01/2021 12:19

@mrssunshinexxx

I hear you.
I do know though, that my mum was absolutely distraught when her mum died. I thought she'd never get over it and I was a teenager at the time.

I have some hope, because I know she always loved and forgot about her, she would often mention her in conversation, but she did go on to enjoy life. She saw all her kids get married and became a grandma several times over.

We travelled together and had so many good times. She wasn't sad on a daily basis, but her mum was always in her mind.

She didn't let her loss ruin her time with us her kids and I don't want my kids to think or feel I'll be so sad forever.

That's what I take some hope from, but it's very early days. So much worse when you have an exceedingly close relationship with your parent.

Sometimes I hear people talking about their parents and how unsupportive and critical they are. How they are a constant source of stress in their lives and now I just think, if I had that kind of relationship with my mum, I wouldn't be in such pain.

A friend told me that grief is the price we pay for love. I'd never heard that before.

mrssunshinexxx · 31/01/2021 12:41

Oh yes I've often thought I wish we hadn't been so close but one of my sisters was NC with her and she is in bits but for different reasons so I think it's much better for us to of had that lovely lovely bond although it means the main is humongous @Sisterlove

Sisterlove · 31/01/2021 14:21

@mrssunshinexxx

You're right. I'm glad we had such a close bond, because I have beautiful memories of my mum.

I know people who fell out with their parents and wish they'd made up before they passed away. They carry much guilt from it.

A quote on grief
Grief never ends....It just changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack in faith...it is the price of love

DazedandConfused27 · 01/02/2021 19:32

My dad is gone.

mrssunshinexxx · 01/02/2021 19:45

@DazedandConfused27 😭 how do you feel ? Sorry if that is a stupid question
Were you with him?

DazedandConfused27 · 01/02/2021 20:08

@mrssunshinexxx I wasn't there but it was my choice. It would have been too much for me. He wasn't alone though. I am heartbroken but there is some comfort in knowing he's no longer in pain. Even so it still feels so wrong, he was so young and he didn't deserve what he's been through. My heart breaks for him and for our family who will never recover from this. He was the heart and soul. I keep wondering if he was in pain or if he was frightened at the end. I woke in a panic earlier thinking about it. I just can't imagine how anything will be right ever again 😭

mrssunshinexxx · 01/02/2021 21:11

It is so soon, you are bound to be thinking all sorts and all the what ifs. I often wind myself up wondering if my mum actually knew this is it I'm dying as she drifted away. The worst part is we will never have an answer to all the what ifs.
Take care of yourself, try and eat and try to get some rest you will be in shock I imagine. I'm glad that you made that choice and you didn't end up being there when he passes away as that is how you wanted it to go. we will never have the answers but know that he is at peace now and in no pain and he was surrounded by people who loved him through this awful time for you all, take some comfort from that I am confident he will of known you have all been with him x

mrssunshinexxx · 01/02/2021 21:11

@DazedandConfused27

It is so soon, you are bound to be thinking all sorts and all the what ifs. I often wind myself up wondering if my mum actually knew this is it I'm dying as she drifted away. The worst part is we will never have an answer to all the what ifs.
Take care of yourself, try and eat and try to get some rest you will be in shock I imagine. I'm glad that you made that choice and you didn't end up being there when he passes away as that is how you wanted it to go. we will never have the answers but know that he is at peace now and in no pain and he was surrounded by people who loved him through this awful time for you all, take some comfort from that I am confident he will of known you have all been with him x

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