Support For Anyone After The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

I hope this thread will be as supportive and welcoming as we have had in the past. It is so heartwarming to see the support you all give each other. Wishing you all well. 💐

@mrssunshinexxx It's terrible to lose a parent at any age. But I feel like when you have so many milestones yet to reach in your life, the thought of doing it without them is just tragic 💔. You never give it a thought that your parents may not be here for them 😞 xx

I lost my mum 4days before christmas

I feel.like I've lost my rock

Until march she lived alone and was independent. I think lockdown had a massive impact. She ended up in hospital then care. I cant believe how she deteriorated so quickly

I cannot accept shes not here and keep going to phone her. I'm sitting here now in tears again. I miss her so much.

What a truly awful time to lose your mum not that there is a good time but I hope you know what I mean @newidentiy when things happen quickly it really takes some getting your head around, do you have a supportive partner or any children or siblings?
@rttcbabyno1 never in a million years did I think she wouldn't be around for me now when having children, nor did I think she wouldn't get to enjoy retirement. Never did I think the last time I saw her would be the last ever time alive. 💔

So sorry @mrssunshinexxx 😞 I know it's a cliche thing to say, but life really is so cruel. I swear it always happens to THE BEST people ever too. It's just bloody awful, I wish I could make it all better for you, and everyone else on here. It's the worst thing because it's never within our control. That in itself is really hard for us all to digest. That's where guilt comes in apparently (I've been watching grief counselling videos). I experienced/ am experiencing guilt often.

You have to think though, if your mum was here, what would she want for you? What would she say to you?? I can imagine she would say to be to be strong, and to not be sad. She would want you to be happy... i know it's difficult 😞 this is what I keep saying to myself.

My grandad passed away in August, that's the first time I'd ever experienced grief, but without being awful to my grandad, it's just a million times worse when it's your parent, especially when it's so unexpected (my Dad had a heart attack 💔😢) xxx

@mrssunshinexxx

I won't lie it would of been a lot 'easier' to lose my dad instead of my mum she was the biggest loss imaginable for me

I really get this and I feel so terribly guilty/bad for feeling this way. He's older and has had way more health issues and on paper, it would have been different -
yet he rode through it and came out fine. Well not fine. Distraught that he's lost the love of his life.

I love him so much and realise I could have lost them both, but it just got mum more than dad.

I try and go forward in my mind. I don't know when life will be better. When will I enjoy anything again. Holidays, celebrations. I'll always think of her as she would be with us. I'm scared for mothers day, yet my kids will do stuff for me.

I'm living in hope, as my mum would want me to keep going and live for my kids. 😓

@newidentiy oh gosh, I'm so very sorry. Please please talk to someone, you'll be surprised who will offer their listening ears to you, trust me - they will mean it too. Talking is everything. Do you have someone close who can support you? Or not close to you?

Hope your okay, we're all here to chat too ❤️❤️❤️

Couldn't agree more @rttcbabyno1 life is so cruel she, like all of our Parents deserved a happy healthy life and to enjoy retirement what have they worked there whole lives for ?! To just die! Hate it
I know mum would want me to be happy but at the time time I know she would understand why I'm so sad. Dad put the headstone in today and sent me a photo and it hit me way way worse than I had anticipated it seems so final to see her name in a grave yard 💔💔💔

@Sisterlove it isn't awful or bad everyone I think is closer to one parent.
My mum and dad were married fir 45 years and my dad has met another woman after 6 months it's safe to say after this I feel our relationship is ruined. I know people deal with grief in different ways but it's so selfish in my opinion and he isn't thinking of his children. My mum would never ever of done this x

Thank you for the replies, I posted as I am struggling to talk to people a bit

my sister and I are close but she lives a distance away so can't come and stay or visit because of lockdown. I do not have a partner. I am close to my daughter and her partner but she is heavily pregnant which is lovely and a lovely distraction along with my grandson so I don't want to keep offloading on her especially as she and mum were extremely close and she is not processing it at the moment. They are my bubble so i can at least see them. Like my mum always was for me I feel I need to be strong and in control for my daughter

I have a good friend, but again, cant visit due to lockdown.

It was hard at the funeral as we obviously couldn't get together or hug. I have not had a single hug since it happened (daughter is not a hugger although is very supportive)

I keep getting letters from mum's friends saying how they will miss her and how she always helped everyone out and until March drove them all to appointments, etc. Part of me thinks how lovely and the ungracious part of me thinks I know she was lovely.

I have only skimmed the thread so far but can see so many people all feeling the same way which in a weird way helps. Sorry this has been an "all about me post" so far but it helps just putting it down and offloading

It is also so hard working, grieving and all the probate, etc that needs doing. It can never be a right time to lose a parent but lockdown heightens everything and makes the easiest task so difficult

Thank you for the mentions and massive hugs to everyone as we go through this x

@mrssunshinexxx

That must be really difficult your dad being with another woman after 6 months. I don't see my dad ever being with anyone till he goes. He's 81 and he's just devastated and heartbroken. If it wasn't for me, siblings and DGC, he wouldn't want to carry on.
In fact I'm scared this will end up knocking him for 6 and we won't have him long. It's all so painful.

I know we all have to go at some point, but the unexpected loss is just gut wrenching.

Dad is unable to stay on his own at the moment. It was him and mum living together. He is struggling as we all are.

@mrssunshinexxx oh no. I am so sorry 🙏 I think you lost your mum a short time after my mum did her journey.
Similarly, she was with my dad for 42 years. But he is heartbroken and doesn't want anyone else. A friend of mine... Her dad had a string of girlfriends after her mum passed (she was only 49 too, so her own mother saw her son in law doing this. As gran lived with them). My friend hated it, but it was his way to try and cope. She knew he really was in love with her mum. He was desperately trying to cope.
I am sorry though. Have you talked to him about it at all? Do you see him regularly?

I am dreading seeing my mum's name in the graveyard too. In a way. In another way... It's a record. But... Not happened yet and my dad had a bad day two days ago as he was writing it all out.

I am sorry... I am on my phone and can't scroll easily to see all your names and remind myself so I can reply directly.

But... Please do talk and cry with your mum and grieve for yiur dad together. As @Brillig says... It will help. In its certain way, it will.

So sorry for not replying to you all.. Easier on the pc to refer up.

I will try and come in tomorrow if the home learning is on schedule.
Much love. Much love.
🙏

Struggling today. Dad is still lucid but I can tell the medication is taking over more now. He seems confused and is acting weird for want of a better word. A lot of the time I'm there he is sleeping so I just spend hours reading or scrolling my phone. I don't mind I'm happy just to be with him. It's all so so shit.

This is the problem dad does the whole crying thing but also has the new woman and I just don't have any empathy for him anymore. @Spiritwriter
I feel so bitter my mum deserved so much more I feel like he's disrespecting and betraying her it's awful I just want to run far away
I'm not sure I want any/ much contact

So sorry @DazedandConfused27 is he in a hospice ? Have they said how long he has x

@mrssunshinexxx that must be really tough to see. I can only imagine it's his own twisted way of dealing with the pain. When my grandpa lost my gran he found a new 'lady friend' quite soon after. Nothing untoward, he was much too old for that, but it really upset my mum. She saw it as a betrayal whereas I tried to see it as company. I can understand how it must be like a knife to the heart for you.

Yes dad is in a hospice. We were told 'weeks' but that was a week and a half ago. He has been lucid up until today. But he is very swollen and now becoming confused. I watched my gran slowly deteriorate to cancer and I honestly prayed I would never witness anything so horrific ever again. I am so anxious about what the next few weeks have in store. I visit daily and I know there will come a time where he's no longer conscious. It utterly terrifies me.

@DazedandConfused27
I'm so sorry you have to witness this. Again. 😔
I know how hard it is to see deterioration and it causes so much panic and worry.
I have been thinking a lot recently about death and this struggle. This preparation. And I've started to think of it in the same way as birth. Preparing for birthing.
Because it is a huge and potentially traumatic transition. So... What can we do to prepare? For the one who is to be birthed into their new becoming. And for us also.
I send you love, and peace, and strength for the coming time. Much love.

@mrssushinexxx I completely understand how you feel. I would too. And would have to work mighty hard to feel any other way. Have you spoken to your dad about this? Really how it makes you feel?
I wish I could help. You will get through this. Step by step. Somehow x I send you so much love sweetheart.

@Sisterlove I feel for you and your dad.
Your beautiful dad. 😔 Oh, my dad aches for my mum. Is he living with you?
My dad comes up every tea time and stays all evening. Just gone now.
It is so hard. So very hard.
My thoughts are with you and your dad x 🙏

@Spiritwriter

Thanks.
It's all so raw. Dad doesn't live with me. Him and mum lived together.

I see him everyday now since it happened. He can't be left alone, as he's grieving badly and with his complex medical issues mum cared for him. Meals, medication, laundry..everything pretty much. She was a lovely caring person to everyone she met. I'm realising now just how much she did for him and never complained.

If we don't do it, I fear he won't last long and I just can't face losing him as well now.

So me or one of y siblings is with him 24/7 now. It's just more stress on top of our grief, but I feel so sorry for him. He always thought he'd go first and is just besides himself.

You are really strong @DazedandConfused27 I can't imagine how hard this is for you.
I wish it was just a friendship if it was I would be ok with it but it sounds as though she has pretty much moved in. Me and my other sister were seeing him all the time when mum died one of us lived with him for the first 6 weeks I would of caries on but I had a baby! Didn't get a day before I went in labour to just nest or RELAX or process my own grief. And then still cooking fir dad, doing his food shop having him fir tea at my house etc whilst I healed and couldn't drive. Just feel like he's thrown all I've sacrificed on my journey of losing my mum back in my face. He's meant to be the adult in all this, the parent and he hasn't looked afte us girls at all he's been so weak.
Thank you @Spiritwriter yes he definitely knows how I feel but just carries on making big mistakes and thinking apologies are fine he has no idea deeply how I feel and the everlasting damage this has done.
The worst thing is mum would be heartbroken at how quick he has moved another woman in and forgotten about his children

Oh @mrssunshinexxx that is awful. 😔 I wish I could give you a hug, make you a drink. Something. I'm so sorry.
That does sound damaging to your relationship.
Much love to you.
@Sisterlove. Your poor dad. This is a big strain on you. My mum used to be a carer by profession, and she often used to note that how the carer in the marriage went first. Something she feared herself towards the end.
I'm so sorry. It is wonderful your dad has you and your siblings.
Do draw on your siblings if you have them in your life. Sadly, or not, I have lost both of mine. They are not in our life. That puts another horrid twist on things.
I am sure your poor dad is struggling so much. I hope your mum comes to him in some way to bring a little reassurance she is still there. But early days. X

My mum was a carer too ! And a wonderful one always went above and beyond I think it's because she missed her mum so much she loved looking after elderley ladies she did it privately and they lived really close she would often end up inviting them for rea with our family for company @Spiritwriter

@Spiritwriter

Thanks so much. Luckily I do have my siblings in my life. We're a really close family and this helps, but it magnifies our loss. We had such good times as a family. The DGC are all so sad. Mum was the pillar and she leaves a massive void in all our lives.

We're just trying on top of everything to keep my dad going. He says mum talks to him everyday. Tells him to get some rest and look after everyone. She told us to look after him as she was leaving this life. It was both a privilege and a trauma to be with her when she went.

I know logically that I will feel better than I do now at some point, but being surrounded by covid that stole her from us is so painful.

The adverts on TV, the news, the radio..everything is such a trigger.

I know the outcome is the same and my pain would be the same, but I wish something else other than covid was the cause.

@mrssunshinexxx

I feel for you and the issues with your dad. It's so difficult and with you being a new mum too. I can't imagine this grief at such a time, but you have a lovely baby who needs you. You're doing amazing.

Thank you so much @Sisterlove

Thank you so much @Sisterlove

Today has been difficult. Preparing a eulogy, sorting out funeral arrangements and just dealing with the grief when my mum should still be here.

I feel life will never be the same again. It's an awful place to be.

I'm sorry it's been a tough day for you @Sisterlove. I try and take things one day at a time but it's not easy when each day feels harder than the last.

Been rough here too. Dad is now very sleepy, much more so than he has been over the past few days. I know there will come a time when he won't wake up again and it terrifies me. My poor mum is staying with him night and day. I worry so much for her and how this will affect her long time. I feel unable to contain all this emotion and grief and worry.