Oh my god ... Help me please I don't know what to do!!!

[Mummy2TandF]

my dh went fishing last night and at 11:30pm I had a knock on the door from the police .... My dh has been found dead on a footpath at the lake They think it was a massive heart attack, a stroke or a blood clot but will do a PM tomorrow, I don't know what to do, I have my family here with me but it is easier to talk on here How do I tell my dc's? WHAT do I tell my dc's - they are only 2.9 and 10 months Will they understand, what are they going to do without their daddy? How will I get through the days without my dh? I know we argued etc but I really, really, loved him and now he is gone Help please

Gabble - Craigs sister has offered for me to go away with them for a long weekend at the end of September, but I am not sure I don't want to go anywhere or see anyone, let alone on holiday alone with the dc's - My parents keep saying that you can't change the past and that I have to try to look to the future, but I can't see one I am in such a pickle money wise (we were before this but more so now) which just tops it off! .... I called the coroners office today, I know it would be too early but I can't get my head around sudden adult death syndrome, they have said that they are testing for something called Marfam Syndrome. I have googled it and now feel even worse because if it was that then I need to get my dc's checked and it could mean that their lives will be limited as well .... ARGH and my dad has just phoned again asking me to book an appt to see Craigs boss so that he can come as well and finished the conversation by saying that I have to cheer up My whold world has shattered around me and he is saying cheer up!

Oh Mummy, your dad, what can I say? Men eh? You need time sweetheart, yes an appointment with Craig's boss is a must and sorting the money out needs to be done, but first you need some time to go for a walk with the kids or do something else ordinary. You have had a whirlwind fortnight, two weeks ago none of this had happened and now everything has changed.
As someone else has said, there will be good days and bad days and soon there will be more good days than bad, but first of all some days have to pass, when nothing particular is going to happen.
Did your dad come round to help you sort out some money issues? Have you had a chance to talk to the loan insurance company? All these things will need sorting but you'll be much better able to cope in a few days' time, when you've put a little bit of distance between these horrid events. Keep talking to us sweetheart, we're with you every step of the way. whether we can understand what you're going through or not.

Mummy2t&F , Know what you mean about not wanting to go away and i didnt exactly have a great time or was the life and soul of the party but it did give me a bit of space to myself to fall apart knowing there were people there to look after the little one. Ive been holding it together because of him but havent really let myself go yet ...just waiting for that bombshell to land. Could be worth it?

Saw some of the other posts about the practical stuff ...just to let you know most of the companies- insurance etc were content with the interim certificate as ive not got a final one until the inquest either . ive just recieved the bereavement payemt of 2000 which is through the DSS and they actually gave us the form at the funeral directors ...dont know if they did with you?

gabble - I am still undecided whether to go away or not.
My head has been spinning with the coroner/pathologists suggestion of Marfams syndrome and I can't bear to wait for outcome of the inquest before I know, so I have just booked a doctors appt for ds for next Wednesday, I am not sure if there is a quick test that can be done or if he would need to be reffered to a specialist but I need to get an answer one way or the other Craig has a brother who has very similar looks and build to him - I haven't mentioned the Marfams to him as he is 4 years older and if it is marfams then nothing can be done But I don't know if I have done the right thing? Any advice on whether to tell him or not would be gratefully rec'd - The same thing could happen to him any day if it is marfams, but even if it was detected now I think it is too late to do anything - what shall I do? This syndrome has massive imlications on all of Craigs family if it is the cause.

Wait till you are sure. No point in getting all het up and it may still remain that your husband died through causes unknown. Then you have worried everybody for nothing.
I think it is a good idea to see your GP though, you need a little help yourself and your GP is not the person to tell you to 'cheer up'.
I think the coroner's office should not havementioned it until they were sure themselves
With love
How are you this morning?

Am not too good this morning - I decided to take ds back to his nursery/playschool, he goes from 9:15 until 12:45 and I thought he should have some sort of normality back in his life but he cried and screamed and I just had to leave because I got too upset - have made sure that they have my number and I am sure he will be fine once he is there He used to do this even before all this happened. I don't like going out it means that I have to face people and maybe have to tell them which I can't cope with DD is in her cot now for a nap, so I am here having another breakdown, I have to let it out but won't let myself go infront of the dc's - I can't believe what has happened to my world Just 2 weeks ago we were planning a hoilday and looking forward to our futures with the kids growing up etc and now look

Have you seen this site Mummy?
this
It explains very well how things can affect you.
When is your apointment with the GP?

How are you this morning, Mummy2TandF?

oh Mummy2TandF - I don't know what to say, other than there are lots of people here ready to listen and offer advice......please keep talking to us if it helps you.
If it's any consolation my DS1 who loved nursery used always upset went he back following a break.

DutchOma - My appt is next Wednesday, they could have booked me in sooner but I asked for a specific doctor, who I have found very thorough in the past - the coroner has told me to demand a refferal for ds though Craigs brother has a doctors appt today as well - I didn't tell him about the marfans but said that becuase they are saying sudden adult death syndrome he must go and have a ECG done because the "SADS" is always caused by undiscovered irregularities in the heart beat etc. But Craigs sister works in the doctors surgery nex to his, so she has mentioned the marfans to him and the dr will be checking for characteristics without worrying him. I know that it is really horrible but I keep thinking, why couldn't it have been his brother and then we would have been aware of marfans etc and maybe got Craig treatment His brother is older and he doesn't have any babies, why is it always us .... sorry, I am having a really bad day today haven't stopped crying since I got up

Still thinking about you. Still sending love.

You know my dear, for all you say you have such a sad time, you are remarkably efficient and doing all the right things.
Nobody ever knows why bad things happen to good people, it helps if you can hold on to the fact that there is a reason behind it, even if you cannot for the life of you think what it possibly could be.
Has ds gone to nursery again this morning?
We're going out this morning, but will be thinking about you all the time.

I still don't know what to say M2T&F.

Have you explained to DS's nursery what has happened ?

MummytoTandF - just want you to know i am thinking of you a lot and will continue to do so. I am sure you are going to need to cry and be angry for quite a while yet. Someone else has probably said this but have you been referred for bereavment counselling?I know its really early days but if you don't have many people around to talk to about how you are feeling, it might be good to have a verbal outlet - as great as MN is, you can't scream in our faces...
lots of love to you and your beautiful children x

As I said earlier - was having a really bad day today I had to phone my mum and ask her to come over because I couldn't stop crying I know she is trying to help but she still iritates me, she trys to change my cupboards round etc to keep busy but they are mine and Craigs and that is how we had them, so I don't want them changed

same here mummy2t&f had a crap afternoon...my mum was on the phione telling me to look to the future....dead easy hey..and not to go on too much about daddy in front of hal my little boy. She thinks i shouldnt let him get attached to things of duncs but those are the only things he can relate to...Daddys shoes , daddys coat etc.. I DONT WANT HIM TO FORGET THEY RE HIS ITS THE ONLY THING HE's GOT.....

My brother suggested something which seemed like a good idea though to make a box up of soome of his clothes etc so that he can dress up like dad...think i will ...

Dunc used to work away so im used to being on my own a lot but think the reality of it all is starting to kick in I MISS HIM SOO MUCH

gabble - I know exactly what you mean, some people have even suggested that I take down pictures of Craig and hide his mobile, mp3 player etc for Toby's sake but no they were his dads and I want him to remember and at 2.10 years old the only way he will remember is by having daddys things around I want to talk about Craig everyday (as hard as it is for me) for the sake of the dc's ... nothing shameful has happened and Craig would never have left them, so I want them to know that

OH grief. only just seen this because of Littleapin. Im am so very sorry my love. Please accept me and my families condolences. What a terrible shock for you. Loads of hugs and love to you and your children

Thanks wolfgirl - peoples thoughts mean a lot to me atm, I feel like i know you a little anyway because you have been so kind in the past with clothes for the dc's that I have bought from you IIRC.

i know what you mean ,keep his memory alive why do people always think when people have left us we should forget them,i have one person that sits away from gs picture, she says i wish youd take that down he stares at me ffs,let the children and yourself rememberxx

Yes, thats right MsTandF. Bless you my love, I couldnt believe what I was reading. Please, if there is anything I can help with, just holla. And I will be sending a little something via LL. Loads of love to you.xx

If only our thoughts could make things right for you Mummy2TandF. Of course you must not try and erase Craig's memory, your mum means well, but can you sit her down and speak straight to her and say that you find it sad she should speak like that and that it upsets you?
Are you alright for shopping and things?

I have taken ds to nursery/playschool again this morning - I bribed him with the promise of a milky way if he was a big brave boy going in but it did work, he went in without screaming and crying. I got stopped by one of the mums on the way out and broke down, got home and got stopped by one of the neigbours and brok down again and then as I was coming in the front door, the postman stopped me to say he couldn't believe it and I broke down again Now dd is in her cot for her nap, but it doesn't sound like she is going to go .... Craigs firm have said that they do have something in place but it is nowhere near 3 times his wages I might have known, the way our lives have been in the last 2 years I expect nothing less ... I contacted the council to let them know for the council tax reasons and today they have sent a letter to say that our old account has been cancelled and a new one set up in just my name but that I need to clear the O/S balance on the other account - we were paying £135 per month but because they have changed accounts over 1 month will be missed so they want it all in one go or monthly payments of £170 , you would think these organisations would have something in place for this sort of thing - even the tax credits have done the same

There were two things said to me by mumsnetters which did help.

The first was PPH (I think) who said that many religions believed that after losing someone you gave forty days to deep, dark morning and could literally drown in your loss. After the forty days you had to turn your obligations towards life and the living, and whilst never forgetting the person who had died, you had to, for their sakes and for the sake of those around you, pick up real life again and "walk with the living". That helped me so much - I did this as best as I could. I am not saying that after forty days everything was fine again, but the idea of legitimate profound mourning, followed by the necessity of living life again for the sake of the person lost and those still there, made so much sense and gave a sad structure to how I tried to behave.

The second was someone who described huge grief as a thick grey blanket which is thrown over the bereft. Friends and family and time all lift up the blanket with their love and support, centimetre by centrimetre, until one realises that one can see again, rather than being blinded by sadness.

It is normal for you to be so sad. The time will pass and you will still feel the sadness but you will be better able to support it.

Wishing you much strength.