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Bereavement

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Original poster

Oh my god ... Help me please I don't know what to do!!!

679 replies

Mummy2TandF · 29/08/2007 09:48

my dh went fishing last night and at 11:30pm I had a knock on the door from the police .... My dh has been found dead on a footpath at the lake They think it was a massive heart attack, a stroke or a blood clot but will do a PM tomorrow, I don't know what to do, I have my family here with me but it is easier to talk on here How do I tell my dc's? WHAT do I tell my dc's - they are only 2.9 and 10 months Will they understand, what are they going to do without their daddy? How will I get through the days without my dh? I know we argued etc but I really, really, loved him and now he is gone Help please

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 07/09/2007 11:18

Oh - this is getting worse my mum took ds to a mother and toddler group this morning, so I could sort out all the paperwork for my dad to help me with on Monday and it looks like we weren't even coverd for our loan - I had been saying to myself, at least the loan is paid but it looks like it was only accident & redundancy and not death I hope I am wrong because I just can't cope if that isn't covered either PLEASE< PLEASE everybody if you are as silly as me and didn't have these covers or had to cancel them like me for financial reason, PLEASE reinstate them now - because god forbid if anything were to happen I would hate for you to be in the position I am now finding myself in

OP posts:
SleeplessInTheStaceym11House · 07/09/2007 11:22

mummy2t&f, i dont see how something would cover accidnet and illness butnot death...get your dad to ring the company.

chin up sweetheart you're doing so well!

mammya · 07/09/2007 11:38

I have just seen this, so sorry for your loss MT&F

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 07/09/2007 13:28

Stacey - I don't know either I just know that I am in such a mess and before Craigs firm went under we were quite comfortable, we have stuggled completely for 2 years to get through and were thinking that we could just see the light at the end of the tunnel and then this! I really am in a state today, it's so not fair on ds to see me like this and have tried to be strong for him until now but all this is too much for me to handle We chose this home together and I can't bear the thuoght of having to sell it can't stop sobbing

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DutchOma · 07/09/2007 13:49

Sweetheart, it will work out somehow. Can you make yourself a drink and wait for your mum to come back with ds?
Don't beat yourself up over it, you did what you did because you had no other option.
All this is very early days and it is almost unavoidable that you should panic, almost but not quite.
Take all the help you can get and you'll see it will work out. We're all on your side.

beller · 07/09/2007 13:57

In the circumstances, im sure these firms will work out a payment plan or offer some kind of help as to how to deal with it? Where do you live motheroftandf?

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 07/09/2007 14:22

DutchOma - mum brought ds back at 11:30am but I can't even seem to keep it in for his or dd's sake atm I can't help but panic, I have always treid to be organised with money and make sure we had enough to get through but now this Beller - I am in Romford, Essex.
I have just phoned one of Craigs freinds and broken down to him He said it was fine but I feel bad, I am very close to Craigs nephew and he has been a great support but it is his birthday today, so I don't fell I can phone him - The funeral diectors came round a little whil ago with the clothes that Craig was wearing when he died and his ashes ..... This day is going from bad to worse, I am sure that I will run out of tears in a minute

OP posts:
anniebear · 07/09/2007 14:22

Just seen this thread

I am so saddened by your loss and am thinking of you and your family

littlelapin · 07/09/2007 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 07/09/2007 14:28

That's strange LL I was emailing you as you posted that

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bonkersmum · 07/09/2007 14:29

Hiya, not much more I can add on the practical front that I haven't said already. Just one thought though, we sent balloons with little messages in and then let them go on a windy day, from the boys to my husband... they liked it. We also have a small tree we call Dad's tree. However, to be totally honest, we talk about him very candidly, but I try not to "dwell" too much and rely on distraction. We lost a few good friends in the months leading up to my husbands death and so if the boys are down at all, I get them to imagine them having a great time, not in pain and I try to give them a different scenario each time - eating huge chocolate cake to the point where they fall through their clouds - daft things like that... it's whatever works according to the personality of the child. Routine and distraction helps though and the questions etc, will start to reduce quite quickly. The crappy mud you are wading through will get easier - I promise you. Don't forget - take whatever help is offered. I didn't because I'm too proud, private and damned independent. I didn't make my journey any easier for myself - totally the opposite.
By the way, I agree with the comment about the insurance on the loan - query the death cover... Remember, contact your local MP - make them work for their wages. It may also be worth enquiring at your local Barnardos centre if there are any groups that may be able to help you and the children - it's not charity if that is what you are thinking, Barnardos are not the organisation you may think of - much of what they do nowadays is along the social work route and they often have bereavement groups and counsellors. Cruise is another one - they may well be able to give you one-to-one advice according to your own circumstances and look at the terms of your loan etc. It's certainly worth a try.
Once again, take care. Thinking of you.

DutchOma · 07/09/2007 15:40

Just because you have always been careful with money you will manage it again. Basically you are just a very capable person, but the burden is too overwhelming at the moment. Is somebody still with you at the moment? What's the weather like where you are? Can you go out for a little walk with the children? Just hang in there till the combined force of Mumsnet kicks in, as Bonkersmum says, take it all and take it as love, not charity.

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 07/09/2007 16:33

No, Nobody is with me, have been on my own almost all the time since the funeral it's ironic before the funeral when you have all the arranging to do there are so many people around and then as soon as it is over they can all go back to nomal lives but mine is never going to be normal again

OP posts:
SleeplessInTheStaceym11House · 07/09/2007 16:36

oh hunny, if i could drive id come and keep you company but i cant

maybe theres another mumsnetter in your area who could come and keep you company..

Califrau · 07/09/2007 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Katisha · 07/09/2007 16:42

Yes - after the funeral is a really difficult time. And people stay away becaus ethey are afraid to talk about what's happened in case it upsets you but actually you want to talk about the person whohas gone.

Katisha · 07/09/2007 16:43

But you can talk to us at least

littlelapin · 07/09/2007 16:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dropdeadfred · 07/09/2007 19:18

Awww I feel so sorry for you - but please don't worry about financs too much at the moment....in these circumstances compnaies will wait for their money if you write and explain the situation ( or get your dad to do it for you...)

Have you no friends or family that could just come and stay the night with you? Just to keep you company. If not just keep posting on here there's always someone around on mn to talk.

Callmemadam · 07/09/2007 19:24

Tjacksonpfc - it's really great to hear from you again even on sucgh a sad thread. Maybe you've been on others but I often think of you as your loss was at the sametime as Yorkiegirl's . MummytoTandF you have a lot to get through and it is very early days, and you are dealing with your own grief as well as the littleones. MNers like Yorkiegirl are sadly so much better able to advise you than me, but I just want to say it WILL get better, so for now just take it one day at a time, just one day. The rest can wait.

Spink · 08/09/2007 06:59

just wanted to say good morning mummy2TandF, hope the night was manageable xxx

Lotstodo · 08/09/2007 07:57

Mummy2TandF - Just wanted to say hello and am thinking about you.

FoghornLeghorn · 08/09/2007 08:22

Shit

I have been on holiday Mummy2TandF and completely missed this. We were on the November antenatal thread together.

I just don't know what to say

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 08/09/2007 11:25

We have a friend who owns and lives on a lake in Broxbourne and this afternoon we are going over there with all of Craigs friends and family and our friend is going to go out in a boat and scatter Craigs ashes , I can't believe that it is all happening so quickly - I am hoping that it will be a "nice" day, not as formal as Wednesday and will be more to Craigs liking. I have insisted that everybody that goes wears fishing clothes (I am wearing one of Craigs cammo t-shirts) as he would have wanted it that way and everybody is taking tents and we are all going to camp out at the lake in Craigs memory - There should be about 50 of us! Craig used to have fishing rods with his name on but when we were tight for money he sold them but his friends have managed to track them down and arranged to buy them back, so they are coming to the lake with us and they are going to be out in a case in the clubhoue along with a plaque remembering Craig - Am feeling sick this morning like I did the day of the funeral but I hope it should be a calming day. Thanks again everybody for your kindness

OP posts:
Christie · 08/09/2007 12:26

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