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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Oh my god ... Help me please I don't know what to do!!!

679 replies

Mummy2TandF · 29/08/2007 09:48

my dh went fishing last night and at 11:30pm I had a knock on the door from the police .... My dh has been found dead on a footpath at the lake They think it was a massive heart attack, a stroke or a blood clot but will do a PM tomorrow, I don't know what to do, I have my family here with me but it is easier to talk on here How do I tell my dc's? WHAT do I tell my dc's - they are only 2.9 and 10 months Will they understand, what are they going to do without their daddy? How will I get through the days without my dh? I know we argued etc but I really, really, loved him and now he is gone Help please

OP posts:
SleeplessInTheStaceym11House · 05/09/2007 09:30

our thoughts are with you and the dcs.

xx

izzybiz · 05/09/2007 11:11

Just seen this,

So very sorry.xxxx

Jackstini · 05/09/2007 11:38

Just to say I am thinking of you today and wishing you lots of strength and family love

littlerach · 05/09/2007 11:49

Thinking of you nad your chikdren today.
I hope you find the strength you need.
xx

TheOldestCat · 05/09/2007 12:02

Thinking of you today, mummy2TandF, and your children. So so sorry for your loss. xxx

Spink · 05/09/2007 13:14

thinking of you all x

TrixieVix · 05/09/2007 14:58

Thinking of you today.

On a financial note - inform your local authority that you require single person discount on your Council Tax. It will only be a small saving, but every little helps. Don't know about any other benefits you'll be entitled to - don't be afraid or too proud to get the help you require {{{{hugs}}}}

margosbeenplayingwithmynoonoo · 05/09/2007 16:22

I'm thinking of you today. xx

ScoobyDooooo · 05/09/2007 16:30

Thinking of you & your children today xx

HomeintheSun · 05/09/2007 17:08

Thinking of you and your little ones.

When you feel up to it nip to the CAB they will be able to advise you on everything you will need to do - apply for and everything you are entitled to, my mum found that when she went to the DSS and asked they weren't very helpful but the CAB are really good.

missgriss · 05/09/2007 17:46

I've only just seen this thread

I'm so sorry. Words totally fail me.

Thinking of you today x

onlytheone · 05/09/2007 17:50

I am so very sad for you all after only just reading this post. I too am a stranger but would like to send you all a big hug. I will be thinking of you daily at this devastating time.

Mhamai · 05/09/2007 17:50

Thinking of you today.

bonkersmum · 05/09/2007 19:27

I wish I could wave a magic wand for you to make this easier, but of course that is not possible and because I don't know you I don't feel able to even offer any words of comfort. However, I can give you some practical advice that may be helpful for you at some point. I can say these things because I lost my husband in October very suddenly. Things are still raw but with three kids, you just have to get up in the morning, so life does plod on...
Financially, if these things are "sorted" this can ease some of your stress (one less thing to worry about).Whatever else you do, be VERY careful that you have all your financial information to hand when you inform tax credits - my advice is to go to your local tax office and make sure you get them to copy your documents and give them back to you. When you report a bereavement as a change of circumstances, your money instantly stops!!! At the worst possible time. They then lost my certificates - birth, marriage, death etc for several weeks. At one stage I could prove I had two dogs, but not that I was the mother to my children... So be careful.
You will need several death certificates as banks, insurance companies, etc, all want original documents not copies.
If your husband had a credit card - make sure you stop it asap. If he owed money on it, be sure to get a statement for the month either side of the death so that you don't get walloped for hidden or late cahrges - they will also want an original death certificate I'm afraid.
Too many companies hide behind "Data Protection" as a means of not dealing with you and to continue to screw as much money out of you as possible. Be strong sweetie, don't let them do this. If you are not up to this lot, enlist a friend - they want to help, so let them. But get them to write letters and you just sign them. Be sure to ask the companies to respond by letter not phone - you don't need to deal with stupid foreign call centres do you?
I know this is brain overload, but these things will save you heaps of trouble later on.
Everyone finds their own way through this time, my way might not be right for you so I won't even attempt to advise you. All I will say is that you will get through it - you will find strengths you never knew you had and even though it hurts and you will feel angry and despairing - you will get through this. Please take care and give the kids a kiss from me and my kids. x

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 05/09/2007 19:55

Oh No [asd] Bonkersmum, my dad told the tax credits people yesterday because we though that was where we would get the funeral grant from Mt tax credita are my only income and because we have to have an inquest into the cause of death I won't get full death certificates until after that I didn't think that things coukd get any worse .... To everyone who was thinking of me today, thank you, the service was just as I had hoped although what an overwhelming day

OP posts:
bonkersmum · 05/09/2007 20:16

Hey don't panic!!!! No, your funeral grant does not come via tax credits. Your death grant comes via DSS - go down there - speak to them, but please, take someone with you who is pretty switched on - you won't take it all in and two heads are better than one. Yes, they do stop your tax credits and you are treated as a new applicant, hence the reason why you need all the financial stuff and certificates to hand - but DO NOT let them send them away - you will need them for other things - they can copy them and authorise them as true copies. Stand your ground on this. You will get the money back-dated. But if you get any problems, do not hang around or get into emotional arguements with them, go to your local MP, they have a HOTLINE to tax credits and they can and do get really quick results - this is what i had to to do in the end. Your mp is there to work for you, make them earn their wages.
Another person suggested the CAB - good idea - but you may have to wait - not so easy with the children and the circumstances - you will have loads to do without waiting around.
Remember, your tax office will deal with your tax credits, your DSS will deal with benefits. The death grant is £2000 - you will also get Widowed Parents Allowance - the amount depends upon your husbands national insurance contributions.
Be sure to inform council tax that you are a lone parent (I think someone else already mentioned this). If you have any prescriptions to pay for - keep the receipts as you can claim them back retrospectively if you have the receipts once your tax credits / benefits get sorted out.
Tell your car insurers, as you may get a partial refund or discount etc, as one named driver - sorry love, but it all does help. I am racking my brains at the moment to come up with any other suggestions that may be of practical help, but can't think of anything else at the moment. If anything else does spring to mind, I will post it for you.
But for goodness sake - keep those certificates whenever you can - even ask the DSS/Tax office to give you a couple of additional "authorised" copies. Oh nearly forgot, if you do send anything away, send it recorded delivery.
I really am sorry my love that I am loading all this on you, but that's just me - I do practical stuff best as I know that these were the things that caused me sleepless nights and nearly cracked me up because they all went wrong and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
I hope this lot is of some help to you.
All the very best.

Katisha · 05/09/2007 23:05

Oh gosh Mummy2TandF so so sorry. I had no idea as I'd been watching one of your other threads all this time. I really had no idea. My deepest deepest sympathies and thoughts are with you. I know from before you have great inner strength and I also know that you won't be feeling like you've got any strength at all in these days. So I just pray that all the wishes and prayers here will help. Wishing you some healing sleep.

slim22 · 06/09/2007 01:27

thinking of you

Califrau · 06/09/2007 02:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anniegetyourgun · 06/09/2007 10:01

Just to add to something Bonkersmum said: the Data Protection Act only applies to living persons, so don't let them use it to fob you off.

elesbells · 06/09/2007 10:05

mummy2 i hope you are feeling ok this morning, and yesterday went well.

im here if you need to talk (my e'mails further down the thread)

thinking of you xx

bubblesbabe · 06/09/2007 10:06

So so sorry to hear your news - am thinking of you as you get through the days.
Stay strong - it's amazing how much strength your dc's can give you xxxxx

SleeplessInTheStaceym11House · 06/09/2007 10:28

bonkersmum, what brilliant practical advice. the stuff you dont need to be trying to think up yourself at a time like this!

mummytot&f, still thinking of you and the dcs. hope you have all the support you need!

citylover · 06/09/2007 11:27

Mummy T - was following your other thread and was shocked to hear your tragic news. My thoughts are with you and your family.

I am in SE London if there is anything I can do.

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 06/09/2007 12:17

Thanks bonkersmum and everyone else for thinking of me - Came home last night after the funeral, put the dc's to bed and it really hit me that I am on my own .... I can't believe it, I never have been good with just my own company - For all those that had read my other thread I feel soooo bad about it now but as my rl friend said that just proves how much I was in love

OP posts:
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