Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

DS24 has taken his own life - please help me get through this!

305 replies

Crazyladee · 07/12/2019 21:55

Can't believe I have typed those words.

I'm broken.

He was suicidal for weeks and we had a battle but we managed to get him on a mental health ward.

A very long winded story but he kept saying there were voices in his head pushing him to end it. We, and him begged for him to be sectioned to keep him safe (they allow voluntary patients to come and go off the ward) as numerous warning signs were there but they refused because he was volunteering treatment.

On Thursday, he rang me described the voices becoming demonic. This was explained to his psychologist.
A long horrific story short again but that day, his girlfriend decided to end the relationship with him (she was getting pressure off her family) which tipped him over the edge. He was allowed to leave the hospital "to get some fresh air" at 9pm. At 5am yesterday morning they found his body. I can't bring myself to explain how he did it but it was the most horrific thing possible. 😢

How on earth can we even begin to think about recovering from this?

I'm utterly broken. I literally can't stop crying.

OP posts:
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 12/12/2019 08:10

I’m so sorry, love. Wishing you strength and love to get through this. It is clear your DS was special to so many people. 💐

Reallybadidea · 12/12/2019 08:16

I'll be thinking of you today OP. Wishing you strength for the meeting Flowers

thesunwillout · 12/12/2019 09:08

Also sending you love and strength, thinking of you all.

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 14/12/2019 13:50

How are you doing today @Crazyladee
I honestly don't know what's happening with the mental health services in this country, the lack of funding they got.
It was also hospital cock ups & miscommunications that lead to my Auntie's death. This we didn't find out till the inquest.
It didn't surprise that the hospital was in special measures.

WLmum · 14/12/2019 19:38

Been thinking about you crazyladee. My beloved dm died in September. I'm still heartbroken, but wanted to say planning the funeral was so hard but was my last chance to pour love into detail, and to see all that love at the funeral was a little helpful. The funeral was very personal. I couldn't greet anyone before hand and hid, watching from a distance until the coffin arrived. I was a pall bearer. I didn't know if I could do it but again, it was a final act of love and I couldn't bear to watch other people carrying her.

I'm so glad your darling boys friends are sharing their love with you also. What a special boy he was. The one with depression - your boy may well be the reason he goes on.

I can't imagine how you take each breath, but I also know you have no choice. Sending you much love and strength. I will keep checking back on you.

Vgtasd · 14/12/2019 19:42

I am so so sorry xxxx

IpanemaGallina · 14/12/2019 19:47

I’m so so very sorry. My best friend took his own life when we were 21. I still see his parents, I’m now in my 40’s. Then my exdp took his life a few years after we split. Both were devastating. Sending you the strength and love to get through this x

viagrafalls · 14/12/2019 20:10

I am so sad to read this, I lost a friend to suicide in May this year, so many questions that will never be answered. Sometimes I still have days where I just cry a lot and sometimes (when I hear a beautiful piece of music, see something breathtaking ) I feel a strange elation that she is now part of everything around me and no longer suffering. She also heard voices at the end. I am so sorry for your loss xxx

WLmum · 16/12/2019 21:56

Just checking on you crazyladee. You don't need to answer, just know I'm thinking of you.

Original poster
Crazyladee · 17/12/2019 07:33

Thanks for the replies.

I'm still reading but sometimes just don't have the energy to reply.

I feel like time has stood still. Had to sign some forms yesterday at the funeral directors and couldn't remember what day, month year we are in. Feel totally in limbo.
I wondered why my flowers don't seem to have lasted very long and then remembered that it was well over a week ago he died. Feels like yesterday.

Frantically throwing ourselves into arranging his funeral. His flatmate who was sending him abusive messages just before he died and his sister, who was DS's girlfriend who broke up with him the night he died, have both told someone they are coming to his funeral whether invited or not. So we are desperately trying to pick out genuine friends who we trust who we know won't leak the information.

I'm amazed I have kept my cool and not told either of them exactly what I think of them. I don't blame either of them for his death but I believe they contributed by tipping him over the edge and undoing all the hard work we were putting in to help him.

I've blocked him but kept communication open with her as she is being a tremendous help in helping the police with their investigation.

The weight is dropping off me as I am barely eating. It won't hurt me to lose a few pounds but I am looking gaunt. I still feel so sick so it's a struggle to eat. A good friend who is a nutritionist has sent me a hamper containing health food items I have never heard of to whizz up into smoothies.

I just wish I could wake up and it be January 2nd. Every morning I'm waking at near enough the exact time he died and I cry. 😢

OP posts:
Igmum · 17/12/2019 07:57

So sorry for your loss. Love and hugs to you all 💐💐

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 17/12/2019 17:29

@Crazyladee we are here to hold your hand as long as you need us too.
And feel very free to rant & rave to us, if you feel or there are times you can't do it in real life.
I know it's not viperish but sending you lots of love & a big hug xxx

WLmum · 17/12/2019 19:01

Bless you. When my mum died (far less tragic than your son, but devastating to me) I woke up and cried immediately for a couple of weeks.
I'm so sorry that his flat mate and ex gf as being so horrid. How dare they? You are amazing to keep your cool.
I know it's awful when you can't eat but do try, smoothies are a good idea. Decaf lattes?
Sending you lots of love.

Original poster
Crazyladee · 17/12/2019 21:30

Today has been horrible.

I've literally spent most of the day in bed sobbing.

The coroners office rang to say its not possible for me to have a lock of his hair. They had said they would see what they could do. I have a lock of my Nans hair pressed into a keyring from when she died 2 years ago and it gave me some comfort. I wanted to have the same of his especially as his hair is - was red.

It seems his injuries were mainly head injuries. 😢

DH and my DS17 went out this afternoon to get stuff for the funeral. When they went out, in desperation I got out of bed and rang a child death helpline and poured it all out to this poor woman on the other end of the phone.

My family are very worried about me. I'm also probably very hormonal as well as I had a hysterectomy a few weeks ago and have gone straight into the menopause and just started HRT.

OP posts:
Trewser · 17/12/2019 21:36

My friend had nail clippings. Would that be possible? Thinking so much of you OP.

Lilimoon · 17/12/2019 21:46

I don't know what to say but I am thinking of you and your family,

puds11 · 17/12/2019 21:47

Sending you massive hugs @Crazyladee, I cannot imagine how you must be feeling.

Even through his pain, your son found the strength to help others. A truly beautiful soul.

charley50 · 17/12/2019 21:56

I'm so sorry about your DS hair @Crazyladee - I understand what you're saying. I think it's fine to stay in bed all day crying today and some other days when you're overwhelmed. It's such early days for your 'new normal.'

Icypop · 17/12/2019 22:06

I just want to say that I am so sorry about your son. Huge hugs.

bagelbaby · 17/12/2019 22:06

I am so sorry for you. My brother took his life five years ago and I know that the pain is beyond comprehension.
Do consider help from SOBS - they were lovely when many didn't want to engage with me.

Keepmewarm · 17/12/2019 22:10

Your son sounds lovely. As do you.
Allow yourself to grieve.
I lost a family member in similar circumstances. I didn’t know how I would continue to live without them. I became a mental health nurse. I want to make a difference, or try at least! I want to be the person that my loved one could have turned to. Sadly you can’t save everyone but you can make sure they know just how important they are.
Lots of love to you.

bagelbaby · 17/12/2019 22:11

This:
. I found that the method used seemed to be referenced everywhere. I found I wanted to be able to switch off and not worry that anything in a film was going to trigger me.

It is a terrible legacy about how easily drama uses suicide as a plot device. I still have to check before watching films

Parkandride · 17/12/2019 22:33

I'm so sorry, your son sounds a wonderful man to be so highly thought of by his friends.

If it helps at all I have had a severe head injury, and it's exactly like you describe with going under anaesthetic - consciousness and then not. The body is incredible at protecting us in awful circumstances so we don't suffer.

I'm glad you got through to a helpline, you're doing so well during this hellish time
Flowers

namechangenumber2 · 18/12/2019 17:18

How about seeing if you could get a finger print @Crazyladee ? I don't know if you could get it made into a piece of jewellery x

BlueJava · 18/12/2019 17:29

I'm so sorry, that's incredibly hard for you. Focus on the fact you loved each other and think of any good times you had together. Some people are really tormented with mental health problems and often it's impossible to know how to respond to them for the best - even for professionals. Please don't beat yourself up about anything. I'll be thinking of you.