Please or to access all these features

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent.

985 replies

Mummylin · 16/09/2019 11:00

This new thread may help those whose comps have a problem with long threads.
I hope this thread can be as supportive as the last one. It is so uplifting to see the support everyone gives to each other when they most need it.💐

OP posts:
BlueBelleKnoll · 26/02/2020 19:26

17bananas I'm glad you got what you wanted. I got my mum a lovely wicker coffin and beautiful flowers. It was a very simple and quiet funeral, but I thought it was lovely and I think she would have approved. There are so many ways to have a funeral and I think everyone should do what suits them.

Mother87 · 26/02/2020 20:09

It's all the little things... Dad used to keep us in supplies of stuff from the Chinese supermarket (I haven't been able to go there since he passed away in September - too many memories) And now we're almost on the last packet of noodles... and jar of chilli oil and pack of incense (which I'm ploughing through at the moment - in our culture we light the incense under his photo/prayer and 'chat' for a while)... i tied a ribbon round one of the packs he opened so I don't use that one all up... I wrapped up the last packet of Jasmine Tea he was using and hid it in my wardrobe... it's 23 weeks - am utterly heartbroken without him, so is DM... and honestly haven't found anything that helps ease the pain yet... sorry... hugs for all of you xxx

Mother87 · 26/02/2020 20:40

BlueBelleKnoll - you're doing a great job of supporting others on here - whilst living with your own pain... this thread has been a godsend for me since dad passed... and it also feels safe to talk about the 'daft' stuff, the little stuff... xx

loopykay · 26/02/2020 21:35

Sending love to everyone going through such heartbreak. There is some wonderful support on here, plenty ears to listen and hands to hold. It's great when people come together in such horrible times. Just knowing you are not alone and being acknowledged can make a huge difference. Thankyou everyone ❣️

JaceLancs · 26/02/2020 21:53

Had another awful day at work today
Covering for a sick colleague I had to deal with a very distressed client who is very recently bereaved and cried on me for over 2 hours then became angry at the unfairness of their situation, thankfully only verbally abusive then started self harming and finally threatened suicide
I feel totally drained and keep questioning how I dealt with things
I followed correct safeguarding procedures but still feel very shaky

Mother87 · 26/02/2020 22:10

JaceLancs - god that sounds like incredibly heavy going for you at work! Don't know how you did it - obviously more resilient than you think... hope you're relaxing now... x

17bananas · 27/02/2020 07:17

Just woke up from a nightmare where I dreamed that Mum's estranged younger brother had turned up at my house and I kept wondering when he was going to notice that I had a lot of Mum's old stuff and work out she had died... Yuk.

Inca14 · 28/02/2020 23:47

Hello. It was my mum's funeral yesterday. The sun shone, a huge number attended and everything went perfectly. I'd spent the last couple of weeks from morning until night working my socks off to make it the best as she deserved.

Today I feel rubbish (well, more so than recently). Those who travelled have returned home, only one card came through the post - until now there had been several, think there are around 100. And everything seems much more real, dark and scary. I just can't comprehend she's not here. I miss her, my best friend, so terribly.

It's the worst thing ever.

Mother87 · 28/02/2020 23:53

Inca14 - just a hugThanks

Mummylin · 29/02/2020 16:42

Hello everyone, welcome to the new posters, I am sorry you have had to join this thread.
Everyone seems to be so supportive of each other, it's lovely to see.
It's such a sad time in our lives but it certainly makes a difference to be able to speak about everything with others who understand exactly what you are going through.
I hope that you are all getting RL support too. You can certainly do with it at the moment.
I expect some of you have been surprised by the reactions of some relations / friends. I don't know why people expect others to suddenly recover from losing someone that is so loved and will be missed so much. It's heartbreaking. But as I said, you are all doing well to support each other. This will help. 💐

OP posts:
FleeFleeMyPretties · 01/03/2020 02:20

Mum died a bit over three months ago and I think I've been running on adrenaline ever since. I was cooking tonight and felt this deep seeping sadness that I'd never see her preparing food again. She was a great cook - even when her mobility was gone she'd perch in the centre of the kitchen and direct everything.
In one sense I know very well she's gone as I was there all through her final illness, and when she died, and then organized her funeral and got probate and planted up her grave.
In another sense my unconscious thinks that now everything has calmed down I should give Mum a ring!!
And obvs posting at 2am tells its own story :/

StrugglingWithJuggling · 01/03/2020 05:05

Hello FleeFlee - you deserve a massive pat on the back for getting so much done in the past three months. I totally understand how you feel you are running on adrenaline but having dealt with so much grief and admin - and not had your mum directing any of it (mine liked to give orders even after she wasn't mobile too:) must be very tough so don't forget to allow yourself time to pause and take a moment out. You are going to come off the adrenaline 'high' at some point - if not already and might needvsome healing time. If you don't have anything outstanding are you able to take a few days off just for you? Nothing wrong with giving her a 'ring' and saying Mum, now the planting is done, I'm going to step back for a bit. Did you sleep well before she became ill? (were you her carer as well?). Don't torture yourself if you can't sleep - but try not to have too much screen time in the small hours - maybe look at some lovely photos or allow yourself a little reading time of a book your enjoyed and can revisit (and if you do need a weep take tissues so you don't drop tears on the photos :) At 3 months it is all still very raw and new. Other posters are correct - it can take time and you need to be generous to yourself. Sending you a hug.

Rhodes2015again · 03/03/2020 20:45

@BlueBellKnoll I’m the same, my mum worked at my work and every time something happens at work I have this thought flash through my mind,
For a few seconds, that I’ll have to remember to tell her that. Or if my 2 year old dd says something funny. I want to tell her.

@FleeFleeMyPretties I think you lost your mum around the same time I lost mine.
I know what you mean with the running off adrenaline. I definitely feel like I’m coming down almost now. Sounds odd when I say it like that. Making sure my dads ok, sorting pension/finances funeral then internment of ashes only last week, there’s nothing left to do now.
I cope well outwardly but god yesterday was a bad day. For nothing. We’ve had Xmas, nye, what would have been her 60th bday and my first bday without her. I thought occasions like that would be the worse but sometimes it just smacks you aback of the head on a random day.

@Inca14 💐 for you.

StrugglingWithJuggling · 03/03/2020 23:02

@FleeFlee - do you mind me asking what your mum's name is please? Every year around October we make an ofrenda - it is a lovely Mexican custom and we put pictures - or just write the names if we don't have pix - of our departed friends and family and now our friends like it we have started including our friends loved ones too. So let me know and I'll pop your mum's name up if you would like her to join our group in the Land of The Remembered :) Hugs to you. Ps don't stress about the come down - it is your body's way of processing what has happened. It takes longer than you think I'm not sure if there ever is an ending or 'closure' as such but it does hurt less - even on anniversaries....

alockwood · 04/03/2020 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

psychoticbeetroot · 05/03/2020 10:16

Please may I join this thread. I lost my dear dad on Tuesday evening. I'm in a haze at the moment. He was in hospital for a week following a fall. Complications followed and although he rallied slightly on Wednesday/Thursday last week, we knew it was the end. I was able to stay at the hospital with my sister from Monday afternoon and we sat with him until he died.

FleeFleeMyPretties · 05/03/2020 17:01

@psychoticbeetroot so sorry. It's so so hard. Hugs.

@StrugglingWithJuggling you could put her down as International Woman Of Mystery which would honour her love of privacy and glamour :D Thank you that's a lovely idea.

A few months in and this week something came up that I would have liked to talk to Mum about. I mean it wasn't anything like "where did you bury the money?" but she was good to talk things over with, she'd seen stuff in her time! I ended up watching a couple of little videos I had of her, just to hear her voice. I know she was in poor health and old but it would have been good to have a couple more years with her. I'm sitting here crying which is good actually as at least I'm feeling something normal! But the dog is giving me the eye so I'd better grab the poop bags and get going...

Mother87 · 06/03/2020 20:51

Hi All... Am a few months in, but god am missing dad... Had one of those crying days where I seem to be like a tap that won't stop... he was always pottering around my house fixing things, always moving things to the 'right' place so thaf we couldn't find them. We had visitors tonight, and dad would have been chatting to them all. He was Singaporean Chinese and elderly/a bit hard of hearing - but for those who took the time to 'tune in' to his accent and be patient with his hearing - they found all his stories fascinating and found him utterly charming...
And they loved his beautiful suits and cufflinks and his thick silvery hair... and he always had a secret cigar in his pocket and a fountain pen...

I keep waiting for this to get 'easier' in some small way... but it doesn't, it hasn't... hugs to all, however it's making you feel tonight.., Thanks

angell84 · 08/03/2020 13:58

I am in such terrible pain today.

My dad passed away from suicide two years ago. I think I was in shock the first two years. I has hit me so hard the last few weeks, I actually think I am going insane from grief. I am crying every day, lying in bed crying for hours. I think adding to the circumstances is that his family (his brother, sister) were cruel to me at the time of death.

I was a child from his first wife, and my father's family have often treated me like I was not part of the family/ that I don't exist.

They didn't tell me when my dad went missing, I found out frok my dad's cousin putting a missing poster on facebook. They were cruel to me after my dad died. I didn't go to my dad's funeral, because I didn't want ny uncle shouting at me.

I had to go over and pick up some of my dad's stuff, and my uncle told me that I was ugly and laughed at me. I don't know why they are so cruel, but they always have been.

It has all added up to me crying every day lately, and feeling so weak and ill

Devlins1961 · 08/03/2020 15:46

This may help someone dealing with bereavement

neverleaves.com/

Mother87 · 08/03/2020 15:50

Angell84 - so sorry to hear what you're going through. It sounds like it was very traumatic & damaging from when you first lost him (as well as having a challenging family situation). Have you had any counselling or spoken to anybody irl? It sounds like you haven't processed any of the terrible ordeal you/he went through so you're still 'living' with it all to such a huge extent now... Am sure you've been given such 'advice' before - am no expert sorry... Sending you a hug & you're not aloneThanks

NeverLeaves · 08/03/2020 15:54

This may be of some small help...

neverleaves.com/

NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite · 09/03/2020 07:36

It's my dear mum's funeral today. It's been 6 weeks since she passed and the wait has seemed like forever. We've had a number of issues with the Co-op funeral service and I just want today to go right. I want the sun to shine because she loved sunshine and I just want it all to be perfect for her.

I've been falling apart for the past week or so and so stressed out and today I don't know how to feel. I've been waiting for this day yet don't want it to be here either. I just wish my mum was still here with her vibrancy and vitality.

Now both my parents have passed and, death seems to bring out little niggles within the family. I don't want my family to implode now we no longer have the glue that bound us all together. My parents wouldn't have wanted that.

NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite · 09/03/2020 07:46

angel84

I'm so sorry for your loss and for your treatment by your dad's awful family. They sound evil.

I think you should perhaps see your GP or have some/more counselling as you have been through a very traumatic time and most people would need some help in your situation.

You've been very unlucky to have such relatives and, hopefully, you won't maintain contact with these despicable people in the future. Your life will be better without them in it.

DottieLottie1 · 09/03/2020 07:46

Gosh, she really isn't here. I woke up after not much sleep and shes not here, shes gone.

I lost my wonderful mum and friends to the evil that is cancer in the early hours yesterday. My head is spinning. I knew it was going to be hard but boy oh boy....

Sending my love and sympathies to all those suffering the same.

Swipe left for the next trending thread