Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

This new thread may help those whose comps have a problem with long threads.
I hope this thread can be as supportive as the last one. It is so uplifting to see the support everyone gives to each other when they most need it.💐

missingmydad If you do get emotional at work, it will be good for your boss to know that it isn't because you can't cope with your job, it's because of your bereavement. I find that being at work is a good distraction, but I had quite a few weeks off mainly to deal with all the practical stuff as well as the emotional side.

missingmydad I'm sorry you didn't get to say goodbye, too. I have friends who have elderly relatives who don't recognise them and I can only imagine how heartbreaking that must be when it comes at the end.

missingmydad Best of luck! Most likely you'll be fine, because it will distract you. I'm fine at work and then cry when I get home. If not, take a moment in a quiet place and then go back to what you were doing. Don't let a slip up make you feel like all is lost with your job. If you find that you really cannot cope at all, then you might need to see your GP to get some bereavement leave sorted. My GP was very supportive. Your health is the most important thing.

Thank you Belle
I am sure I'll cope, I hope so because I don't want to take bereavement leave for reasons which I can't say to do with the job which will be outing. The other thing with not saying anything is that it means that my new boss won't be in the awkward position of knowing I've not gone to the funeral because of the new job. Logistics wise I couldn't do both, but again it'll be outing if I explain why.

Please can I join...!

18 months ago I lost my lovely Dad to cancer and last Tuesday I found my Mum collapsed at home with a bleed to the brain, unfortunately today we were told that she is unresponsive and we could face the reality of losing her very soon. Both my parents were 60, and I am 32
Why is life so unfair? Struggling to cope and struggling with the pity people throw at me.
Any advise grateful accepted..

Of course you can @glitterb, so sorry that you need to but I'm glad that you've found us.

I'm not sure what advice I can give, it's less than two weeks since my Dad died. One day at a time. We were in the same situation as you with knowing it was most likely coming and then it became obvious.

@missingmydad 18 months on I am still not over losing my Dad, the whole process really effected me, to be going through this again has completely floored me tbh. I am not sure how I am going to say goodbye again so soon...

I can only begin to imagine, that must be so very hard

So sorry to hear about your Mum @Glitterb
Hugs

I had a very vivid dream about my Dad last night - he died 3 1/2 months ago
It could be very triggering so won’t go into detail but it wasn’t a happy image
I don’t sleep well at the best of times but was quite traumatised so couldn’t get back to sleep so decided to watch catch up tv on iPad in bed to distract myself
Mistake - call the midwife and Val’s Gran death scene - proper bawling
I’ve not been able to face going into work yet
Currently sat in Costa trying to pull myself together - feeling very sorry for myself, only crying inside at moment but keep filling up and don’t know how to get through rest of today

Please can I join.
My lovely Dm died 13 weeks ago.

@glitterb I’m so sorry
@JaceLancs I hope you managed to settle today. I’ve had a few dreams, nothing bad, she was just there but it wakes me and upsets me. Im struggling with sleep aswell, I can’t settle.

I just scrolled through my mums texts from this day last year. She was healthy, happy, safe.

Thank you I made it into work by 11 and battled with end of year finance and budgets
Came home from work around 7 and made dinner had a few drinks and an early night as had so little sleep hence now awake again at 3.30
Menopause not helping either
Hugs to all

Morning - looks like it is almost time to say goodbye to mum. I organised my dad's funeral 11 years ago with a three week old baby and basically got through the next few years on adrenaline - so I don't really remember much about that time. Has anyone got any tips/hacks re organising funerals/ getting through it and supporting DS (11)- my mum is (more or less) the only grandparent he has had a close relationship with. Plus suggestions on how to be gracious if the brother who left me to do all the caring deigns to show up...

My Mum was very pragmatic, not religious, and had been very clear up front (before she got ill) about what she wanted particularly for her funeral arrangements.
I am still grateful for this as it meant I could plan ahead and be happy I was doing the right thing. As she wasn't religious we organized the burial and memorial completely separately - having a lot of oldies in slippery mud shivering round a grave in winter was not something I thought would end well. So her burial was a quiet internment with close family present, no service, and the wicker coffin she wanted. BTW I think including a link to a nice wicker coffin on Amazon (!) in the request-for-quotes we sent out to undertakers meant they didn't try upselling us... Minivans are cheaper than hearses and somehow less depressing too I found.
Custom grave markers can also be ordered from Amazon, much cheaper than the undertakers' wooden cross option.
The memorial was in a local clubhouse - recommended by Mum's neighbour who'd lost her Dad recently.
Re humanist celebrant - there is a list on humanist uk website with little bio's and where they are - I rang a couple up and picked one. She came over for an hour to talk about Mum and was at the memorial for about an hour at least, £200 all in.
In case I sound like a terrible cheapskate :) the money is going on / has already gone on planting up her grave and we're planning a very elegant and artistic headstone.
One thing - she had been thinking of a green burial - but luckily we checked out a woodland burial site early on - having seen it we decided instead to go with the local cemetery which has a lot of mature trees and a light hand with the regulations as the "feel" of the woodland burial sight in reality wasn't (I think) what she or we were hoping for (I am being carefully tactful because it's a very personal decision!).
Re. Cremation - a friend's Dad had outlived all his mates so when he went, friend & friend's Mum went the direct cremation route and put Dad under the garden patio, which apparently they find very comforting...

jace I hope you have a better sleep tonight
I've got to go to a function in a church with work tomorrow morning, I am feeling sick at the thought of it, it's a very traditional church with a grave yard and I really don't think I can do it

Thank you @Mother87 and @Bluebelleknoll xx

Hope everyone is coping okay. I am up and down but feel a bit more calm. Just missing him.

Missingmydad Don't post anything that will out you if that is something you're not comfortable with. I like to be anonymous too. It has been helpful to me having the support of my colleagues, I have to admit.

Glitterb I am so sorry for your loss. It must be very hard for you having to deal with this. I am only a couple of months in and I'm still finding it hard. I think the process is just something that we have to endure as best we can, knowing that we will feel a bit better about our losses one day, even though we'll never 'get over' it and forget our loved ones. I have spoken to many people in real life who have talked about their experiences and it has helped me to put the process into some sort of reasonable timescale.

Things that have helped me have been reading how others have experienced grief (on here is good!), having someone in real life to lean on and talk to, having things to distract me and just going with the flow. So when I need to cry, I cry. At times it has felt unbearable, but I've had so much to do (especially at the beginning) that I've just had to force myself to do things, even if I've cried all the way through them. I understand about pity being a problem. Too much pity or sympathy makes me feel worse. I have told people not to be too nice, because it does make me cry. I would recommend being very straight with people how you'd like them to act towards you. Most people want to help, but don't know how best to be supportive.

Jacelancs I'm so sorry you are suffering. I watched Call the Midwife too and that scene was a little too close to home for me too, so I understand. I was crying in a cafe the other day because an old woman came in who reminded me of my mum. I went back to work and have found it quite a good way of distracting me. When I'm on my own at home I cry a lot. I couldn't have worked in the first few weeks, so I do understand it you're simply not able to do that yet. When you're ready, you'll know.

Should have written 'if you're simply not able' (not 'it')

"I do understand it you're simply not able to do that yet"

Rhodes2015again I'm sorry you lost your mum. I lost my mum in the new year and am devastated by it. I miss her all the time. I forget she's gone and think about telling her something and then realise and it hurts all over again.

Jacelancs Just read your second post about going to work. I'm glad you managed to get through the day.

StrugglingWithJuggling I'm sorry you are losing your mum. I know it is so hard. The professionals who deal with this day by day are very good at guiding you through the process. For the funeral, I would recommend having a good think about what you want before you see a funeral director. The company I went to were very good at giving me exactly what I asked for and didn't push for me to spend lots of money on things I didn't want (and my mum wouldn't have wanted either). The funeral director will talk you through everything. My mum died in hospital and the bereavement advisor there was very helpful at talking me through some of the practical stages and he booked my appointment at the town hall to register my mum's death. He also recommended several local funeral directors (and told me which ones to avoid). The registrar at the town hall was excellent and she did the 'tell us once' forms for me while I was there. My bank had a guide online with useful practical advice and a phone number for a bereavement advisor who talked me through the financial stuff I had to deal with (closing accounts, paying off final bills etc). I also had to clear out my mum's flat, so if you need advice about that, feel free to ask.

missingmydad Sorry I'm too late to give advice, but I think that if you can't cope with a church and graveyard setting for a work function then you shouldn't have to go. I would explain why to my boss if it were me. If you went I hope it wasn't too awful for you.

blitzen I'm glad you're feeling calmer. I am also very up and down and generally a lot calmer, but I did have a massive panic attack in public a few days ago, so I'm prepared for these things to spring up on me. I was howling, sobbing and shaking. I'm almost beyond feeling embarrassed now. I just go with it. Hugs to you.