My baby girl died - stillbirth at 40 weeks

[GrievingMummy]

This is still very fresh for me. My baby girl was due on 10 Feb. On 9 Feb I went to the maternity assessment unit regarding reduced movements. I didn’t think there would be anything wrong but I had been anxious all pregnancy and went in after I couldn’t get her to move in the evening.

Sadly they said they could not find a heartbeat.

I was given drugs to induce labour and gave birth in 13 February to a beautiful baby girl.

I had had no problems throughout the pregnancy, she seemed perfect otherwise and a good weight so it was a complete shock.

We have spent a few days in the hospital with her and came home today. It was very sad to leave her in the hospital and one minute I’m crying and the next I feel a bit numb as if none of it was real.

Interested in anyone having had similar experiences. Does it get better? So far it has got harder every day but I think that’s because we first got the news and I knew I still had her and would give birth and get the chance to see her and hold her. And then because she was with us in hospital and I could see her and hold her. I was not looking forward to coming home without her.

I feel so much loss. The loss of a baby and being a mother following a healthy pregnancy (and I loved being pregnant) and just feeling numb. We had so much planned. We are even moving house next month and she was a bit part of that. The loss of my little baby girl who was so beautiful and whom I already loved so much. I used to play with her and talk to her every day. The fear of never having a child of my own. I know it’s early days and I will never replace her but I am 35 next month and my biological clock was ticking when I got pregnant with her. I think over what could have caused it and whether I could have done more. I don’t think I could. I didn’t realise anything was wrong.

Thank you

Ruby was wrapped up in her cord when she was born (although she had died before she was born) and the PM results confirmed that was likely to have been the cause of her death as she was wrapped up in it in several places and there were marks on her body. The positive is that she was perfect and we have been advised their is low risk of the same thing happening again if we have more babies (although the risk was “low” for it to have happened to us one) but of course it means our little girl was perfect and could have lived if not for this horrible “accident”. She was full term so I cannot help but wish she’d been born a week earlier but I know that’s pointless and if that had happened maybe we’d have still lost her during the birth.

Hello Alice, how sorry I am for you that you lost your beautiful Ruby.

I have a friend called Ruby, and I've always thought it was such a lovely name.
It must be hard for you just now, but I hope you start to see flashes of joy in your days, if not yet, then soon. Be gentle with yourself Alice.
Sending you some unMumsnetty hugs.

I'm so sorry Alice, she sounds perfect and it must be so difficult for you.

Sorry meant they said there is a low risk of it happening again but there was a low risk of it happening to us once and yet it happened. Apparently it is rare but I find myself a little more anxious about everything now. I often have to check my husband is breathing when he’s asleep.

I am overwhelmed by sadness sometimes but I also realise I have lots to be thankful for and I am trying to focus on that. Life is so precious and fragile and I now treasure those I love even more.

Thanks for your kind words.

I am thinking of you and Ruby xxxxxx