My baby girl died - stillbirth at 40 weeks

[GrievingMummy]

This is still very fresh for me. My baby girl was due on 10 Feb. On 9 Feb I went to the maternity assessment unit regarding reduced movements. I didn’t think there would be anything wrong but I had been anxious all pregnancy and went in after I couldn’t get her to move in the evening.

Sadly they said they could not find a heartbeat.

I was given drugs to induce labour and gave birth in 13 February to a beautiful baby girl.

I had had no problems throughout the pregnancy, she seemed perfect otherwise and a good weight so it was a complete shock.

We have spent a few days in the hospital with her and came home today. It was very sad to leave her in the hospital and one minute I’m crying and the next I feel a bit numb as if none of it was real.

Interested in anyone having had similar experiences. Does it get better? So far it has got harder every day but I think that’s because we first got the news and I knew I still had her and would give birth and get the chance to see her and hold her. And then because she was with us in hospital and I could see her and hold her. I was not looking forward to coming home without her.

I feel so much loss. The loss of a baby and being a mother following a healthy pregnancy (and I loved being pregnant) and just feeling numb. We had so much planned. We are even moving house next month and she was a bit part of that. The loss of my little baby girl who was so beautiful and whom I already loved so much. I used to play with her and talk to her every day. The fear of never having a child of my own. I know it’s early days and I will never replace her but I am 35 next month and my biological clock was ticking when I got pregnant with her. I think over what could have caused it and whether I could have done more. I don’t think I could. I didn’t realise anything was wrong.

[bobstersmum]

I wish i could do or say something to help you Alice. You sound so lovely I really am so sorry.

[Averysmallcasserole]

I am so so sorry and sad to read this. Some good advice in here but be kind to yourself too. You sound like a lovely mummy x

[GrievingMummy]

Thank you. I do adore my little girl. More and more every day if that’s possible. We met with the funeral director today and I’m dealing with my post birth body and it just seems so unjust that I don’t even have my baby. I know these things (and worse) happen every day.

Tomorrow we are returning some of the bigger items to stores and it’s weird how quickly the mind adjusts in a way. From the moment they told me her heart had stopped beating everything changed. All those plans for bringing home a new baby somehow just went away. It’s very odd. Maybe my mind is protecting itself in some way.

I don’t plan to go back to work yet but DH’s employer is less flexible than mine and I worry how i will cope with being home alone on a daily basis. Atm DH is home with me and we have people (mostly my family) visiting. My Mum is off work this week and a few members of my family work in schools so are home for school holidays but I imagine it will be much more difficult when DH is at work and I am alone at home all day.

I will need to see how it goes as there may come a point where I think it would be better to be at work but I’m not ready for that yet

[Bobfossil2]

I imagine your brain is trying to protect yourself. Don’t try to do too much at once- is there anyone else who can return items to the shops or is it something that you do want to do?

How is your body? Are you in some pain as don’t forget to take pain relief. Have you got enough pads etc- if not send someone to get them for you. Your body has just created and carried a lovely baby- Ruby! It must be so hard to be dealing with everything that comes after birth but not have your baby with you. It is not how life should be.


I know there’s nothing anyone can say that can make this even slightly easier for you. But I just want you to know from a stranger- I’m thinking of you and your family and I am so, so very sorry for your loss.

[WhatHaveIFound]

I'm so very sorry for your loss and hope that you find the strength to get through this. Ruby is such a beautiful name. Xx

[GrievingMummy]

I feel ok in a way, physically, and if I had a baby I would think nothing of it. But I don’t. And so it feels a bit unjust to have the pain and soreness that comes after having given birth. I have the separated abs (more than is usual) and that’s causing me some discomfort as my belly still feels big, it’s affecting me sitting up and getting around and I think it’s contributing to my backache. It’s bothering me to be honest.

I’ve gone from being heavily pregnant to not being pregnant any more and having a post-baby body and no baby.

I think we need to take the things back as we paid on card. I had not collected the pram (I was always slightly superstitious) but I had paid for it so I managed to just get a refund over the phone. I need to take the crib back (didn’t let DH put it up before baby arrived so it’s still in its box) and also the car seat. In a way it helps to have things to do although I might not feel up to going into mothercare when I get there! I did call them and they were quite good, they were even going to arrange for someone to collect it from us, but sheasnt sure how they’d refund us as we are going to be near there today anyway as we also need to register the birth and death today.

I really appreciate your messages. I have family around me a lot of the time but I prefer not to talk about my feelings too much for some reason and DH tries to pretend it isn’t happening.

I was quite touched yesterday though as we were talking about a friend who is due to have baby soon but us having problems with her husband. DH was saying he wants to see her baby and then said “tell her if she wants us to adopt the baby then we will”. He was joking obviously but he got a bit teary. We were both so ready for this baby. We wanted her so much.

And now I can barely believe she was real.

[Bobfossil2]

I always feel it’s so unfair that parents of babies who were stillborn have to get up and about to register the birth and death within just a few days. That will be a really hard appointment for you.

We were both so ready for this baby. We wanted her so much.

It’s just so deeply unfair. You can tell how much you wanted Ruby from every word you write. Keep on looking at those pictures Alice. Your baby was so real and was born and you held her.

I hope this isn’t offensive or upsetting as a suggestion. My friend lost her baby and got two of the same teddies. One she put in with her little one for the funeral and one she kept. She said she holds onto that teddy so tight in the nighttime when she’s most aware that her arms are empty. That might feel like something you would like to do or it might sound strange to you.

She also got a large photo of him printed and up on the wall. She was (and is) so proud of him, her little creation, and we so love to see his photos, but we miss him very much. I’m sure your friends and family feel the same love towards Ruby.

[GrievingMummy]

My friend lost her baby and got two of the same teddies. One she put in with her little one for the funeral and one she kept.

There were two little bears in the memory box that the hospital has provided. I have one and one is with Ruby. I also have one of the blankets she was wrapped in and I sleep with the little bear and the blanket.

It’s quite a nice idea to choose something for her though. There is not much I can do for her now but I mentioned above some things I’d like to give to her when we bury her like one of the cardigans my mum knitted, a photo of us, a letter etc... I might choose a toy that I can give to her and then buy two so that I can keep one. I’d also like a little Ruby that I can wear all of the time. The funeral director was talking about fingerprint jewellery but I’m not sure that’s for us.

They are all little things but they are all I can do to make and keep memories and show my little girl I love her.

[GrievingMummy]

I also have a heartbeat bear. We had a 4D scan a couple of months back and they offer a heartbeat bear which playst baby’s heartbeat. I remember DH thinking it was a bit strange and unnecessary but I’m so glad I got it now, and the pictures as we have photos of her when she was alive, albeit in the womb. I forgot I’d had the heartbeat bear until a couple of days after we were told we’d lost her (but before I had given birth) and it seems so weird and wonderful that I should have my daugher’s heartbeat in this bear after her heart had stopped. I haven’t played it though and it’s not one I want to cuddle at night in case I accidentally switch it on in the night

🐻🐻🐻

[CookieBlue]

Oh Alice . Life is so utterly unfair sometimes. I have no advice but I’m sending you lots of love and strength. Ruby sounds just beautiful xx

[GrievingMummy]

I love my photos of Ruby but I’m not sure whether I’d want to display them. Even DH doesn’t always want to see them (although it’s early days I know) so I tend to look at them myself. I have hand and footprints and I might put those up on the wall. We are moving house soon so I would do it then but for now I have the photos from hospital and I have them all on my phone too so I can just look at them whenever I want.

Thank you all for the messages and kind thoughts xx

[PETRONELLAS]

Read this all last night and thought about you today, Alice. My husband is a fixer - wants to do stuff rather than talking. I have to tell him clearly what I need from him even if it’s just for him to listen. Sending you heartfelt sympathy.

[GrievingMummy]

Thank you

I think the difficulty with mum DH is that we want different things to help us and I feel s bit “needy”. Obviously I’m just heartbroken but I don’t want to be alone for any length of time as I feel so empty whereas he can get on with things.

Today I woke up feeling v empty. I had a dream that I’d told someone or was going to tell someone at work what had happened to my little girl and for a split second I thought / hoped it was all a dream and really my little girl was still snuggled safely inside me. That’s not the case though, of course.

[spudlet7]

I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you must be in. I'm so sorry for the loss of your Ruby OP

[GrievingMummy]

My husband and I are dealing with things differently and I’m getting annoyed with him

I was having a bit of a cry earlier and talking about Ruby and I think I just wanted him to listen but instead he was talking to me about finding coping strategies which bothered me because I think I’m coping ok in the circumstances it obviously I’m going to be upset sometimes. That doesn’t mean I’m not coping or should be dealing with things in a different way. It’s early days too.

He would rather “keep busy” and pretend it’s not happening. I think Whilst I think it’s fine to keep busy I don’t actually think his way of dealing is the best either

Maybe we both need to be easier on each other as some of you have said

[mellongoose]

Hi @AliceRR

Just checking in to see how you're coping.

Reading your last post, this is what I posted earlier on the thread about you and DH going about things differently. A few ladies have shared their stories with me since we list Lily. The thing that all the experiences had in common is that their DH wanted to 'get on with things'. Mine is the same. They're more practical. Sometimes they want you to move on as quickly as they do and don't understand why you're not.

I would urge you to find outlets for your grief outside of your relationship as well as within. This is not to say you can't cry to DH. It's just I honestly don't think they cope very well if it's all we do. Huge sweeping statement I know. Apologies for that but it's what I have heard and experienced.

It's still such early days. Don't expect anything of yourselves yet.

[mellongoose]

....lost Lily, not list.

[ReaganSomerset]

FWIW, OP, I think you're coping brilliantly. I've thought that the whole way along. Some people automatically try to 'fix' everything and I doubt your husband meant to imply that you're not coping, he probably just thought you were looking for a solution rather than just an ear and a shoulder.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

Alice I’ve only just seen your thread. I’m so so sorry to read your very sad news. Ruby sounds like a beautiful little girl. Take care of yourself love xx

[GrievingMummy]

Thank you

Yes I think you’re all right

It is important to me that we pull together rather than apart as things are hard enough without us not connecting

[namechangedbutneedadvice]

I am so sorry for your loss. Ruby is a beautiful name. All my love to you all xxx

[happydays1983]

So sorry for your loss xxx

[GrievingMummy]

I would urge you to find outlets for your grief outside of your relationship as well as within.

I think this is good advice. I am conscious that I don’t want to make things harder for him and while I want to sit and have a cry or talk about Ruby, and how I’m feeling, DH doesn’t so much. He will sometimes and he’ll listen to me but I think he finds it difficult. It upsets him because obviously he feels the loss too and I think he finds it hard to see me that upset about something he can’t “fix”. I told him I just want him to listen.

I have good family and friends too. My family have been here often (most days) and I find that helps me to have them here but I don’t really open up and talk to anyone else even my mother. I’ll have a cry and say how I feel to my DH but bottle it up when other people are around.

I have a couple of friends I talk to and message a lot and I am more open with them too about how I feel and I’ve also looked up Sands and have found someone who is going through something similar who I have been exchanging messages the last few days.

I will soo need to find things to keep myself busy etc as DH plans to start working again next week but probably half days and then I expect he’ll be back at work properly the following week. I think I will find it hard to be at home alone even with things to do.

FWIW, OP, I think you're coping brilliantly.

Thank you. I think I’m coping “well” in the sense that I’m managing to do the practical day to day things I need to do. I managed to arrange appointments with funeral directors 2 or 3 days after she was born, Ive spoken to some shops and been to some shops to return some things we don’t need, for the most part I can have normal conversations with people and keep my house clean and tidy. I have a cry sometimes and it’s often in the morning or at night but it hasn’t even been two weeks since we found out she was gone and less than a week since I lefty little girl at the hospital.

But I also think part of that might be because it hasn’t sunken in yet fully. I still don’t quite believe what’s happened and sometimes it seems like none of its real. She was here with me and I was 40w pregnant and then I had only a few days with her and now I’m back home and it’s almost as if she never existed but obviously I know she did and I don’t want it to be as if she didn’t exist. I want to think about her and remember her.

The last day or so I’ve just been thinking about her warm, lifeless body after I had given birth. I didn’t hold her much then. I sort of wish I’d held her more immediately after having her but I know that’s not a helpful thought and I don’t think I was physically capable at the time as I was a bit out of it.

I’m sorry if I’m repeating myself.

Thanks again for the replies everyone.

[Nicecupofcoco]

I'm so so sorry for your loss. Life can be so unfair.
Take it day by day and keep talking to those around you.
Your in our thoughts. X

[GrievingMummy]

Thank you

I’m trying to stay positive but I know I will have some days that are easier than others and it is still early - she was only born ten days ago