My baby girl died - stillbirth at 40 weeks

[GrievingMummy]

This is still very fresh for me. My baby girl was due on 10 Feb. On 9 Feb I went to the maternity assessment unit regarding reduced movements. I didn’t think there would be anything wrong but I had been anxious all pregnancy and went in after I couldn’t get her to move in the evening.

Sadly they said they could not find a heartbeat.

I was given drugs to induce labour and gave birth in 13 February to a beautiful baby girl.

I had had no problems throughout the pregnancy, she seemed perfect otherwise and a good weight so it was a complete shock.

We have spent a few days in the hospital with her and came home today. It was very sad to leave her in the hospital and one minute I’m crying and the next I feel a bit numb as if none of it was real.

Interested in anyone having had similar experiences. Does it get better? So far it has got harder every day but I think that’s because we first got the news and I knew I still had her and would give birth and get the chance to see her and hold her. And then because she was with us in hospital and I could see her and hold her. I was not looking forward to coming home without her.

I feel so much loss. The loss of a baby and being a mother following a healthy pregnancy (and I loved being pregnant) and just feeling numb. We had so much planned. We are even moving house next month and she was a bit part of that. The loss of my little baby girl who was so beautiful and whom I already loved so much. I used to play with her and talk to her every day. The fear of never having a child of my own. I know it’s early days and I will never replace her but I am 35 next month and my biological clock was ticking when I got pregnant with her. I think over what could have caused it and whether I could have done more. I don’t think I could. I didn’t realise anything was wrong.

[BrightYellowDaffodil]

I'm so very sorry for your loss

[Gruzinkerbell1]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Ruby is a beautiful name X

[madpoodle]

I’m so sorry. I went through this 11 years ago with my son. I think everyone deals differently with such a tragedy and you shouldn’t feel that anything you do or don’t do isn’t right. I was a mess for a long time though I had another child so had to get on with things for her sake. But things did get better slowly. The days seemed easier to get through after a while, though I could be reduced to tears when I wasn’t expecting it. We planted a tree for my boy and put his ashes in a special place. I think about him everyday but don’t feel crippled by it anymore.

The passing of time does help. Do whatever you need to get some peace.

[PrestonsFlowers]

I am so sorry for your loss

[Sparklybanana]

Sorry to hear this. I haven’t personally had a still birth but I know at least 4 friends who have so it’s not as uncommon as you’d think. I realise that will not make you feel less sad but will hopefully help you realise that it is a fact of life rather than anything you have done. It’s not your fault. My friends all went on to have children and I had multiple miscarriages and went on to have more children. Children shouldn’t be a sticking plaster but when you’ve experienced loss, it helps to have a reason to get up in the morning.

I saw something the other day about grief. When it’s raw it fills the whole circle that is you. Nothing is untouched by the grief. As time goes by, the grief stays the same size but your life circle increases so the pain is not so raw but is still a part of you always. It’s special though, because the person was special to you. It’ll touch the sides on special occasions where the loss is most apparent, birthdays, Xmas etc but otherwise will stay a part of you as your life continues and circle expands. My thoughts are with you x

[Strugglingonagain]

I am so so sorry for your loss. She sounds beautiful. I don't have any experience but take the time you need and a day at a time. So much love xx

[ScrimshawTheSecond]

I'm so very sorry. Sending love. x

[smokealarm]

Completely and utterly heartbreaking. I'm so sorry this has happened to you and your husband. Look after yourselves Ruby is a beautiful name for a beautiful girl.

[SirVixofVixHall]

I am so sorry op. It is heartbreaking to read about your loss of beautiful Ruby. I hope that you and your dh are surrounded with love and care now.

[YouBumder]

This is so terribly sad I’m so, so sorry you lost your gorgeous baby girl. Life is so very unfair sometimes

[cstaff]

Oh Alice that is heart breaking. I am so sorry to hear that. The same thing happened to my sis 16 years ago. It was one of the saddest times ever. She has gone on to have 2 girls who know all about their big brother. They go to visit him at Christmas and his birthday. They also talk about him regularly. There is only a year between him and his little sister.

This probably sounds a bit crazy but shortly after losing him they got a dog. It kinda took their minds off what happened and brought a bit of life into the house (which should have been a baby but that didn't happen) and livened the house up. Obviously it never replaced him but it helped them by having to look after another.

[Giraffey1]

I’ve no experience, advice or words of wisdom, but I want to send you my love. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling right now x

[reallybadidea]

I'm so very sorry. The love you have for your little girl shines through in every word you've written.

A good friend of mine had a stillbirth at term a few years ago. She said that having gone through a normal labour and birth was a good thing because the hormones that are produced at birth and normally make you feel so euphoric and help with bonding, seemed to help carry her through the first few hours and days as what had happened started to sink in.

Even though this was some time ago now, my friend says that she still has a relationship with her baby. She still talks to her and about her, she's very much part of their family and always will be.

My friend was around the same age as you are and went on to have another baby quite soon afterwards. Obviously she could never replace her other baby, but it did help with healing.

Obviously everyone is different and you need to get through this in whatever way is right for you.

Much love to you all xxx

[alwaysthinkingofsleep]

I am so sorry for your loss 💗💕

[TheQueensCousin]

Sorry for your loss. Sadly I have no words but you will very much be in my thoughts and prayers 💕x

[anniehm]

So sorry - SANDS is a good place to start to get some support from other parents who have been through this, or there's specialist counselling services for those who have lost a child (but they tend to have wait lists and do recommend that it's more appropriate a few weeks later) . Your local hospital will have a bereavement midwife who may be able to offer local information.

I haven't experienced this but my friend (who is the local SANDS coordinator) says it does get less raw, she had a lovely healthy child around 2 years after her stillborn son, and whilst she hasn't forgotten her firstborn, it's not in her every thought but you always think what if? If only? What would they be like? She admitted to feeling guilty that she wasn't remembering him enough.

[CanILeavenowplease]

Just wanted to say your post has really moved me. I am so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you.

[LouMumsnet]

OP, we're so sorry to hear of your very sad loss.

We hope you don't mind but we wanted to direct you to this link as there may be some useful information for you.

[mishgs]

Just wanted to echo the other posts - so, so sorry for your loss. Ruby is such a beautiful name. I lost a baby early in pregnancy & my friend lost a baby boy mid way through - we talk about him & share his photos & footprints etc. I hope you have supportive friends & family to help you & your husband through.

[BlimeyCalmDown]

So so so sorry for your loss, love and hugs to you both Alice and Ruby xxx I can only begin to imagine what you are going through :( god bless and love and light xxxxxxx My heart is breaking for you xxx

[Aberforthsgoat]

Alice I am so very sorry.
I suffered a loss at 20 weeks and I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through.
All I can say is give yourself time, take each day as it comes, feel whatever you feel and don’t apologise for it (something I’m having to learn a year later)
She sounds beautiful and I am so sorry for your loss.
Please keep posting about her if it helps, your thoughts or anything that you feel you want to post, we’ll be here

[Sureyouwill]

I am genuinely so sorry for your loss. Ruby is a beautiful name. The way you described her tiny little fingers was very moving and made me cry. I can't imagine the depth of pain, but my thoughts and prayers are with you. I wish this never happened to anyone. You are such a good mother doing everything right in pregnancy. I hope the PM gives you answers. My cousin lost her first at term too - from the PM as far as I recall the baby had gotten an infection tragically. She now has a further 4 babies and her first baby girl is very much a part of the family. I wish you nothing but good fortune for the rest of your life and that these next few months are gentle on you. Please don't blame yourself. You were not at fault and there is literally nothing more that you might have done. My sincere condolences. RIP little Ruby.

[SuperSleepyBaby]

So sad to hear this. Its not fair.

This blog might be of interest-written by a woman who lost a baby at full term. Its very well written.
l4stars.wordpress.com/page/10/

[Radiofred]

Oh Alice I’m so so sorry for your very sad loss. We chatted on your thread about mat leave (I’ve probably NC’d since then). Ruby is a beautiful name xx

[CurlsandCurves]

So sorry for your loss. I have no experience myself but a good friend lost her daughter in childbirth. One minute telling everyone the baby was here, 2 hours later they were gone.

I was on the outside looking in as a friend and she never believed she could ever get over this. and you don’t, you never do. But she has gone on to have a healthy wonderful family and I hope and pray for the same for you.

Every year we celebrate their daughters short life and I know that every day they celebrate this, plus the life they are now able to have with their children.

I wish you all the very best xx