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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

MNHQ have commented on this thread

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Bereavement

My baby girl died - stillbirth at 40 weeks

204 replies

GrievingMummy · 16/02/2019 20:52

This is still very fresh for me. My baby girl was due on 10 Feb. On 9 Feb I went to the maternity assessment unit regarding reduced movements. I didn’t think there would be anything wrong but I had been anxious all pregnancy and went in after I couldn’t get her to move in the evening.

Sadly they said they could not find a heartbeat.

I was given drugs to induce labour and gave birth in 13 February to a beautiful baby girl.

I had had no problems throughout the pregnancy, she seemed perfect otherwise and a good weight so it was a complete shock.

We have spent a few days in the hospital with her and came home today. It was very sad to leave her in the hospital and one minute I’m crying and the next I feel a bit numb as if none of it was real.

Interested in anyone having had similar experiences. Does it get better? So far it has got harder every day but I think that’s because we first got the news and I knew I still had her and would give birth and get the chance to see her and hold her. And then because she was with us in hospital and I could see her and hold her. I was not looking forward to coming home without her.

I feel so much loss. The loss of a baby and being a mother following a healthy pregnancy (and I loved being pregnant) and just feeling numb. We had so much planned. We are even moving house next month and she was a bit part of that. The loss of my little baby girl who was so beautiful and whom I already loved so much. I used to play with her and talk to her every day. The fear of never having a child of my own. I know it’s early days and I will never replace her but I am 35 next month and my biological clock was ticking when I got pregnant with her. I think over what could have caused it and whether I could have done more. I don’t think I could. I didn’t realise anything was wrong.

OP posts:

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villainousbroodmare · 23/02/2019 22:32

I am so sorry, Alice, and I hope that you and your DH manage to negotiate the sadness of losing your beautiful baby and emerge as the tightest, most united couple possible. Ruby knew nothing but warmth and love and comfort and the sound of your voice and your heart, and the sway of your body for her whole life. Her life, in a way, was heavenly.

GrievingMummy · 23/02/2019 22:51

Thank you @villainousbroodmare

It is a comfort to think she has not suffered and that as hard as this is for us she isn’t suffering any pain

I hope that we can stay strong as a couple too as it makes all the difference

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newnamewhosthis · 23/02/2019 22:51

I don't know what say but didn't want to not say anything. Your must be going through such a strong grief that I can't even beginning to imagine I wish you the strength to continue.

Ruby is such a beautiful name and she knows how much you love her. She would have felt it through you

GrievingMummy · 23/02/2019 22:54

Thankyou @newnamewhosthis I am actually so glad now that we chose her name months ago. She had been Ruby to us and with us for a while now and I’m glad we didn’t have to pick a name for her after she had passed

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goodolddaze · 24/02/2019 21:19

Hi Alice, just wanted to send some strength and good thoughts. Thinking of you this evening.

JenFromTheGlen · 24/02/2019 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GrievingMummy · 24/02/2019 21:29

Thank you so much @goodolddaze and @JenFromTheGlen

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PETRONELLAS · 27/02/2019 22:13

Alice, just thinking of you. Hope you’re talking and being kind to yourself. X

GrievingMummy · 28/02/2019 11:57

Thank you @PETRONELLAS

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MakeItAmazing · 28/02/2019 12:18

I've seen your thread for the first time today, Alice and I'm in tears reading your posts. I am so sorry. I'm also so sorry for everyone else who has posted about their heartbreaking losses. Ruby is a beautiful name and you are a parent just as your dh is. You are on a different parental path to him but you are on it.

Please be kind to each other.

I was shocked and sad the other day when dh told me he never thinks about the two babies we have lost but I have to accept he isn't me.

Take care .

GrievingMummy · 09/03/2019 21:05

@MakeItAmazing Thank you and I’m sorry for your losses. I don’t know your circumstances and I can imagine it hurt when he said that but I know men and women deal with things differently and I think we are getting better at dealing with things. Sometimes I feel like DH cares less than I do but I don’t believe that’s the case really. For example I have been doing the bulk of the funeral arrangements and sometimes it seems like he cares less but I think really it’s because he can’t face it xx

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luckybird07 · 20/03/2019 03:29

Alice you poor love. I am so sorry.My heart goes out to you. I have a friend who had this loss. She was 34 at the time and it was her first and she still remembers her beautiful girl every year. She now has three more children but I know that the loss hit them hard and they will never forget her daughter. Be gentle with yourselves-it is a big loss that few people face or understand.

GrievingMummy · 13/04/2019 23:23

Today is 2 months since I gave birth to my little angel. I’ve been thinking of her obviously and we went to visit her at the cemetery.

@luckybird07 Thank you. It is comforting to hear that as I would like to have living children in the near future (I am 35 now) but Ruby will always be my first and we will never forget her ❤️

X

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EvenLess · 14/04/2019 00:59

I am so sorry for the loss of your lovely Ruby OP . My heart goes out to you ♥️

MNP2019isUpAndRunning · 14/04/2019 16:09

Thinking of you AliceRR and your beautiful Angel baby Ruby.

MsMoppet · 14/04/2019 18:12

Hello Alice, I only just saw your thread and have read it all. It has moved me to tears and I wish there was something I could say or do to help.

I lost a son at 18 weeks last year and the pain in the immediate aftermath was crippling. I would wake up howling and crying in the night and my DH didn't really know what to do or say. It's not even remotely the same as the loss you have suffered but maybe it might help you to know that I am now sitting next to my newborn daughter and all the pain I felt last year is a sad memory that makes me appreciate what I have now so much. It's given me the mental ability to live and love in the moment, which I think I lacked before. I was always planning the next thing. Now I can just be still and be thankful for my blessings.

You have been very strong so far and I'm sure that in the fullness of time you will begin to feel strong again inside. xx

GrievingMummy · 14/04/2019 18:42

Thank you

@MsMoppet I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby boy. It really is heartbreaking to lose a baby baby that you wanted so much and I’m so pleased you have you have a healthy baby now. I’d like to try for another baby in time but you’re right about being grateful for what you have after something like that. I already feel I appreciate what I do have more than I did and, as horrible as this thing is that has happened, and as much as it hurts sometimes, I know I have lots to be grateful for xx

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Pamplem00se · 14/04/2019 19:00

I just wanted to say I've read your posts a little while ago and have been thinking of you. Two of my friends have lost their babies to still birth. One had a lovely daughter who was part of our birth group. We could do so little but gave her a beautiful Beatrix potter rose to remember her daughter. I know she still treasures every flower almost nine years on. She now has three beautiful sons who very much know about their older sister. Another friend lost her Ruby before I knew her. Her second daughter and my eldest are the same age. Ruby has always been very much part of our lives. She now has three living children. I know you'll never replace Ruby but I'm sure there's much to look forward to in days to come, and future little ones to tell all about their big sister. When I lost my mum to suicide 18 months ago I felt like the bottom had dropped out of my world. Day by day things softened.

GrievingMummy · 14/04/2019 20:57

@Pamplem00se Thank you for your message. I’m so sorry about your mother and also your friends’ babies. It’s only after this happened to me that I learned how many other people have been touched by stillbirths and similar things. I also am aware that others are going through other terrible things so try not to feel sorry for myself too much. My aunt’s first baby died at three days old so sadly I was always aware something could go wrong at any stage and was anxious all through my pregnancy but must say that by the “end” (37-38 weeks) I really thought everything would be ok and even when I went to hospital with reduced movements I didn’t think the worst. I know that horrible things happen every day and also that there are so many wonderful things in the world and I’d love to have more children if I am able to. It’s always comforting to know that others who have experienced something like this can go on to have more children. I’ll always be sad that Ruby isn’t with us but hope that it will get easier and I’d love to be able tell her siblings about their older sister x

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DustyMaiden · 14/04/2019 21:02

I am so sorry for your loss. Your story is exactly the same as mine, baby was born 13th Feb 1999. Time is the only thing that makes it easier.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 14/04/2019 22:47

My thoughts are with you, Alice.
I'm so sorry for your heart breaking loss. Why is so life so cruel, at times.
Sincere condolences to others who have suffered losses, too
X for all the precious babies

GrievingMummy · 14/04/2019 23:18

@DustMaiden I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby. Our babies share a birthday. I believe it will get easier but sometimes it seems like it never will. I know it’s early days for me.

Having had a birthday and Mothers Day since losing my little girl I feel the first year is likely to be the hardest as I’ll be experiencing the “first” everything without her - Easter, Christmas, ultimately her first birthday. I hope it would then get easier but honestly I’m at the stage right now where it feels it’s finally sinking in and I feel so sad atm.

Thank you @Awwlookatmybabyspider

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Pompatrol · 17/04/2019 22:28

Thinking of you. I’m so sorry for the loss of Ruby.

GrievingMummy · 13/06/2019 20:16

My Ruby would have been four months old today had she been born alive ❤️

I’m ok but wanted to share

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Whackaguacamole · 13/06/2019 20:30

Glad you're ok, as ok as you can be in these situations. I'm sure your beautiful girl is never far from your thoughts.

Did the post mortem give you any answers?

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