My baby girl died - stillbirth at 40 weeks

[GrievingMummy]

This is still very fresh for me. My baby girl was due on 10 Feb. On 9 Feb I went to the maternity assessment unit regarding reduced movements. I didn’t think there would be anything wrong but I had been anxious all pregnancy and went in after I couldn’t get her to move in the evening.

Sadly they said they could not find a heartbeat.

I was given drugs to induce labour and gave birth in 13 February to a beautiful baby girl.

I had had no problems throughout the pregnancy, she seemed perfect otherwise and a good weight so it was a complete shock.

We have spent a few days in the hospital with her and came home today. It was very sad to leave her in the hospital and one minute I’m crying and the next I feel a bit numb as if none of it was real.

Interested in anyone having had similar experiences. Does it get better? So far it has got harder every day but I think that’s because we first got the news and I knew I still had her and would give birth and get the chance to see her and hold her. And then because she was with us in hospital and I could see her and hold her. I was not looking forward to coming home without her.

I feel so much loss. The loss of a baby and being a mother following a healthy pregnancy (and I loved being pregnant) and just feeling numb. We had so much planned. We are even moving house next month and she was a bit part of that. The loss of my little baby girl who was so beautiful and whom I already loved so much. I used to play with her and talk to her every day. The fear of never having a child of my own. I know it’s early days and I will never replace her but I am 35 next month and my biological clock was ticking when I got pregnant with her. I think over what could have caused it and whether I could have done more. I don’t think I could. I didn’t realise anything was wrong.

[Celebelly]

My heart is breaking for you, Alice. You definitely couldn't have done any more for your little girl. It was obvious from the time I've gotten to know you on the Feb threads that you did absolutely everything right and gave her the best possible chances. Life is just horribly cruel and unfair sometimes, and often to the people who deserve it least. You were so careful and mindful of Ruby's wellbeing so at least know this was nothing to do with what you did or didn't do. You couldn't have done more.

I don't know what else to say except that I am thinking of you, your partner and your beautiful baby girl, and I hope you can find some comfort in each other and in the memories and keepsakes you have in the days ahead. Ruby was lucky to have you as a mummy, even if it was for all too short a time

[GrievingMummy]

Thank you for your stories and support. It does help.

I will look into support groups and / or counselling. I think the bereavement midwife might be able to help with this.

[louby0526]

@AliceRR so so sorry the loss of your beautiful little girl xxxx

[Whooomp]

I'm so sorry op

[GiantButtonsAreMyFave]

Ruby is such a beautiful name. I haven’t experienced this personally and can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through. I’m so sorry this has happened, please take care of yourself and your husband xxx

[Shufflebumnessie]

I am so sorry to read about the tragic loss of your beautiful daughter. I can't begin to imagine your pain. Life can be so cruel. Thinking of you

[GrievingMummy]

Thanks @Celebelly

I was very cautious during my pregnancy. I wouldn’t even drink Coke as I was avoiding caffeine and my husband thought I was over anxious. I probably was but I was so happy to be having a baby and so scared of something going wrong. I don’t think I could have done any more than I did but of course I will wonder and there are all sorts going through my mind. Hopefully we will get some answers from the PM which don’t involve reasons to blame myself.

[GrievingMummy]

I just keep thinking “what if” like what if she had been born a week early. She was 39+6 days when we got the bad news so she could so easily have been born a few days earlier and maybe then would have been fine. But I know there is no point thinking that way.

[yodelsay]

So sorry for your tragic loss. Be kind to yourself and take your time to grieve. I'm so 😐 sorry.

[TheSassyAssassin]

So sorry to read this Alice. Ruby was, and always will be, deeply loved by her mummy. One day at a time. Hope you and your DH find strength in each other ((((❤))))

[londonrach]

Alice. Vvv sorry for your loss. I cant image how you feeling but maybe tell you about my dsil. Around age 33 her first (a girl was still born she be 12 now). She has since had 3 dc but stuggles with dn on other side who was born 2 months after her dd was born. I think the pain lessens in time but is always there. I other dc know about dd. Just look after yourself. Do whatever you feel you need too. Agree with sands as they helped dsil xxx

[murasaki]

Oh Alice, that is so sad. I hope you and your husband are looking after each other, it sounds like that is the case. Don't blame yourself, really, it sadly happens sometimes. But Ruby sounds beautiful and you will always love her.

[Monkeybusiness2]

I think every mum on here has blinked tears away for you reading this. I have not lost at this late stage, but I feel heartbroken for you.
You couldn't have done more - try not to think it.

[Bobfossil2]

24 hours Alice! You are so strong for enduring a long and hard labour and bringing your girl into the world. You sound like such a wonderful mummy. This must feel like a terrible blur.

[lilyblue5]

OP, Ruby is such a gorgeous name. I’m so sorry for what happened and I can’t even imagine how you are feeling right now.
X x x

[33goingon64]

I'm so sorry to read this. My only offering of consolation is that my Mum had a baby a full term who'd died, same as you, and then she went on to have me. I hope that gives you a small boost.

[FrozenMargarita17]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Talk if you need to x

[amrscot]

So heartbreaking, sending you so much love. You can get through this

[mulberrybag]

I don't think that there is anything that I can add that hasn't already been said but I am so so sorry for you and your husband. It is so terribly sad and so unfair.
My little sister died a few days after being born when I was young. I remember it very well but my mum has refused to ever talk about her ever again. I don't think this has helped her manage her loss at all.
Keep your beautiful Ruby in your heart and in your stories, her brothers or sisters will know how loved she was.
Sending you strength to get though these next steps, which is how you will get through, step by little step, and so much love x

[HongKongPhooeyLooey]

Im so very sorry for your loss. Bless you x

[feebeecat]

So sorry for your loss

[ItWentInMyEye]

So sorry for both of your loss Ruby is a beautiful name My mum lost a daughter in pretty much the exact same circumstances 33 years ago. We were brought up to speak about and ask questions about our older sister, and I somehow feel like she's here with me. When you're ready don't be afraid to talk about her to people, she's your daughter and you sound like a mother proud of her baby as much as anyone else would be. My mum still gets upset around the birthdate and Mother's Day, but says it's gotten easier with time. Nobody replaced my sister, I think that's an important thing to remember if you try to conceive again. Xx

[ellesbellesxxx]

So so sorry to hear about your loss 💐 your daughter Ruby sounds beautiful x

[HettieBettie]

You sound like a wonderful mummy, Alice. Ruby sounds beautiful x

[danni0509]

Oh bless you Alice that is so sad.

I'm so sorry for your loss