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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

MNHQ have commented on this thread

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Bereavement

My baby girl died - stillbirth at 40 weeks

204 replies

GrievingMummy · 16/02/2019 20:52

This is still very fresh for me. My baby girl was due on 10 Feb. On 9 Feb I went to the maternity assessment unit regarding reduced movements. I didn’t think there would be anything wrong but I had been anxious all pregnancy and went in after I couldn’t get her to move in the evening.

Sadly they said they could not find a heartbeat.

I was given drugs to induce labour and gave birth in 13 February to a beautiful baby girl.

I had had no problems throughout the pregnancy, she seemed perfect otherwise and a good weight so it was a complete shock.

We have spent a few days in the hospital with her and came home today. It was very sad to leave her in the hospital and one minute I’m crying and the next I feel a bit numb as if none of it was real.

Interested in anyone having had similar experiences. Does it get better? So far it has got harder every day but I think that’s because we first got the news and I knew I still had her and would give birth and get the chance to see her and hold her. And then because she was with us in hospital and I could see her and hold her. I was not looking forward to coming home without her.

I feel so much loss. The loss of a baby and being a mother following a healthy pregnancy (and I loved being pregnant) and just feeling numb. We had so much planned. We are even moving house next month and she was a bit part of that. The loss of my little baby girl who was so beautiful and whom I already loved so much. I used to play with her and talk to her every day. The fear of never having a child of my own. I know it’s early days and I will never replace her but I am 35 next month and my biological clock was ticking when I got pregnant with her. I think over what could have caused it and whether I could have done more. I don’t think I could. I didn’t realise anything was wrong.

OP posts:

Report

Janecon · 16/02/2019 21:09

I'm so sorry. X

GrievingMummy · 16/02/2019 21:09

Thank you all for reading and replying.

We called her Ruby, quite some time ago actually. Immediately after the birth I think I was just so tired and maybe a bit drugged up still(!) and maybe in shock I held her for a bit and then didn’t have the energy to do hold her so she was in her Moses basket in the room with us for a bit. Later on I dressed her with help from my Mum and one of the midwives. All the midwifes were so lovely to us and looked after us well.

She was so beautiful. She has the loveliest little hands. One of my favourite things was to hold her little hand. I even took a photo of her little hand which curled around my finger last night. We have other pictures too which the midwife took along with handprints and footprints and a photographer from Remember My Baby took some photos. I keep seeing her lovely little face.

OP posts:

Hoplittlebunnies · 16/02/2019 21:11

Oh my love, I am so very sorry for your loss. Would you like to tell us about your daughter?

For now just take it one day at a time. All you need to do is get through the day. Take things at your own pace, see only the people you want to see (if anyone at all).

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 16/02/2019 21:12

I'm so sorry, I can't even imagine how hard this must be for you.

Almahart · 16/02/2019 21:12

I’m so sorry. I know a lovely woman who lost her first daughter at term and went on to have four more children. She talks about her first daughter a lot still and also has a happy family life

ReaganSomerset · 16/02/2019 21:13

She sounds gorgeous, OP.

IheartCaptainHolt · 16/02/2019 21:13

Oh OP, Ruby is a beautiful name for her. I am so, so sorry

NeverTalksToStrangers · 16/02/2019 21:14

I'm so so sorry.

Bobfossil2 · 16/02/2019 21:14

Ruby is such a precious name for a precious girl.

GrievingMummy · 16/02/2019 21:15

I have been given details of a bereavement midwife so I will be in touch with her or maybe she will contact me first.

I have found it comforting (although also upsetting) to read others’ stories on the SANDS website.

I will look at the Instagram other communities online although I don’t frequent them currently.

We have consented to a post mortem so I expect that will happen in the next week or so and it is likely to take 8-12 weeks to get some answers.

I will never forget her or replace her and she will always be my little girl. If I do have more children they will know about her big sister. I don’t know what to do with myself at the moment as I had so much love for her. I still have so much love for her.

OP posts:

FlatterNow · 16/02/2019 21:16

I am so sorry for your loss, Alice - it's heartbreaking. My son was stillborn six years ago (in different circumstances) and speaking of my own experience, yes, it did get better, very very gradually. I haven't forgotten him, and won't ever, but the raw pain lessened, gradually - although I'll be honest, it does still come flooding back sometimes.

A website I found helpful was 'glow in the woods' - a website for people who have experienced babyloss. You might find it helpful too, but just do what works for you. I am so so sorry xx

GrievingMummy · 16/02/2019 21:18

It seems so unfair as so many people around me have had or are having babies. They are all fine. I thought my baby would be fine too. I really do not begrudge any one else’s happiness. A friend of mine is due to have a baby in a couple of weeks and I’d like to be there for her as much as possible (her husband has recently walked out although he may come back). So I don’t mean that. I just mean no one expects anything to go wrong at this stage and usually it doesn’t. I’m still in a bit of shock that this has happened to us.

I’m sad for me. I’m sad for my husband. I’m sad for my parents who were so excited for their first grandchild and I know now are so very worried about me. I will be fine though I think but it will be difficult.

OP posts:

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 16/02/2019 21:18

Ruby is such a beautiful name, I am so sorry this has happened to you.
I can’t imagine what you must be going through.
Mind yourself

GrievingMummy · 16/02/2019 21:19

A website I found helpful was 'glow in the woods'

Thank you. I will look for this

OP posts:

Bobfossil2 · 16/02/2019 21:20

I haven’t been in your shoes so I have no idea but a very close friend has been. Yku could never replace Ruby. You made her and grew her and gave birth to her. Your love for your little baby just shines from your posts.

You must put yourself first and be kind to yourself. You’ve just given birth and must be exhausted. How do you feel physically?

Loseitandkeepitlost · 16/02/2019 21:20

I'm so sorry for your loss

UterusesBeforeDuderuses · 16/02/2019 21:20

So so sorry for your loss Ruby will always be with you and you'll always be her loving mummy x

melissasummerfield · 16/02/2019 21:21

This is so unbearably sad op, im so sorry for your loss

PlasticPatty · 16/02/2019 21:21

I am so very sorry Alice. I am so sorry you lost your beautiful girl. Sleep peacefully, baby Ruby.

cinamogirl · 16/02/2019 21:22

I am so sorry for your loss OP. Thank you for telling us all about your beautiful little Ruby. I can't even begin to understand your pain but when my son was born (10 months ago) we were told he wouldn't survive, he was extremely poorly with many deformities. He spent 3 months in NICU fighting for his life. He survived. The help and support from other Mums in the NICU unit has helped massively, some of the Mums also lost their angel babies. We are a team. We all regularly meet for coffee mornings and talk things through with people that understand (the nurses at the hospital host these gatherings). Maybe your hospital offers something similar? Keep in touch with your midwife and I am sure she can help you with this. Stay strong. You and Ruby will be in my prayers tonight x

ShannonRockallMalin · 16/02/2019 21:22

I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss. I can’t imagine what you and your family and going through. Take care of yourself

ValleyoftheHorses · 16/02/2019 21:24

I’m so sorry. Ruby is a beautiful name.

GrievingMummy · 16/02/2019 21:24

Physically I’m ok. I found the labour long and difficult. Around 24 hours. Not sure if it was more difficult because of the situation, probably, as I didn’t have that excitement of looking forward to meeting my healthy bouncing baby. During the birth I could only focus on the pain and exhaustion. Afterwards, I felt exhausted for at least 12-24 hours but then felt ok. Even with what happened I felt better just having her near me and she slept with us the first night. I’ve had some body aches but not too bad as I haven’t had much in the way of painkillers.

First night at home tonight and I feel I am putting off going to bed as there’s a good chance I won’t sleep and will just lie awake thinking about her.

I have managed to get a reasonable amount of sleep most nights though and we have been eating a reasonable amount I would say.

OP posts:

Liefster · 16/02/2019 21:24

I am so, so sorry for your loss, it’s utterly heartbreaking. Your daughter sounds perfect and she’s very lucky to have you as her mummy - what a brave, strong and courageous woman you are. Please take care of yourself as much as you can x

Buxtonstill · 16/02/2019 21:25

I am so sorry for your loss. Ruby sounds gorgeous from the way you describe her. Please take the future minutes at a time and be kind to yourselves xxx

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