Hi Alice
I am so so sorry you lost Ruby, my heart breaks for you and what you are going through right now. 10 years ago I was you. I lost my son at 38+4, due a tightened knot in the cord. In a matter of moments he was gone. We felt completely shell shocked and wavered between excrutiating grief and numbness. I know it feels beyond awful now, but I promise it won't always feel that way, it does get better and you are absolutely not alone in this.
What really helped me was connecting with others who had also lost their baby, the SANDS forum is a great place but can't be hard going to read peoples stories. You might find there is a local group if you wanted to meet people in real life? You'll probably also find people who have had similar experiences will make themselves known, it is more common that you think.
I have met many people over the years who have lost a baby, and I say the same things to them. Take it hour by hour, day by day. Grief can cause you to have poor concentration, poor memory, sleep problems, anger, despair, all manner of feelings like this are in fact normal. Try to get plenty of rest as grieving can be very exhausting and don’t expect too much from yourselves. Don't feel that you have to see people or go out if you don't want to. Your true friends will understand if you are not up to it. Take care of you.
It is a very painful raw grief and it does take time move through, but you will get back to some semblance of normality, although it is what we would call a ‘new’ normal, one that encompasses your grief. A midwife told me that the pain changes and at the time I didn’t believe her as was the most painful experience of my life, but looking back she was right.
You will find one day you smile at something, or laugh or just feel a bit better then suddenly you will feel guilty. Don’t. It doesn’t mean you love your baby any less, that will never happen, it just means your grief has given you a little respite. Grief is very two steps forward and one step back in these early days, so it is a case of going with however you feel that day.
You may also find people making well meaning but ultimately hurtful comments, unfortunately that too is to be expected. Some people may cross the road rather than be able to face you and say sorry – people just don’t know what to say.
After I had Philip I started a diary, which, if nothing else, gave me a focus each day to write at least a little. As the months went by I could look back and see that I had moved forward even if at times it didn't feel like it.
You can get through this and come out the other side. Life will never be the same again, but you can find happiness again, it just takes time. Please feel free to message me (just going off to check my account to make sure you can do that). Much love to you xxx