My baby girl died - stillbirth at 40 weeks

[GrievingMummy]

This is still very fresh for me. My baby girl was due on 10 Feb. On 9 Feb I went to the maternity assessment unit regarding reduced movements. I didn’t think there would be anything wrong but I had been anxious all pregnancy and went in after I couldn’t get her to move in the evening.

Sadly they said they could not find a heartbeat.

I was given drugs to induce labour and gave birth in 13 February to a beautiful baby girl.

I had had no problems throughout the pregnancy, she seemed perfect otherwise and a good weight so it was a complete shock.

We have spent a few days in the hospital with her and came home today. It was very sad to leave her in the hospital and one minute I’m crying and the next I feel a bit numb as if none of it was real.

Interested in anyone having had similar experiences. Does it get better? So far it has got harder every day but I think that’s because we first got the news and I knew I still had her and would give birth and get the chance to see her and hold her. And then because she was with us in hospital and I could see her and hold her. I was not looking forward to coming home without her.

I feel so much loss. The loss of a baby and being a mother following a healthy pregnancy (and I loved being pregnant) and just feeling numb. We had so much planned. We are even moving house next month and she was a bit part of that. The loss of my little baby girl who was so beautiful and whom I already loved so much. I used to play with her and talk to her every day. The fear of never having a child of my own. I know it’s early days and I will never replace her but I am 35 next month and my biological clock was ticking when I got pregnant with her. I think over what could have caused it and whether I could have done more. I don’t think I could. I didn’t realise anything was wrong.

[jobobpip08]

Hi Alice

I am so so sorry you lost Ruby, my heart breaks for you and what you are going through right now. 10 years ago I was you. I lost my son at 38+4, due a tightened knot in the cord. In a matter of moments he was gone. We felt completely shell shocked and wavered between excrutiating grief and numbness. I know it feels beyond awful now, but I promise it won't always feel that way, it does get better and you are absolutely not alone in this.

What really helped me was connecting with others who had also lost their baby, the SANDS forum is a great place but can't be hard going to read peoples stories. You might find there is a local group if you wanted to meet people in real life? You'll probably also find people who have had similar experiences will make themselves known, it is more common that you think.

I have met many people over the years who have lost a baby, and I say the same things to them. Take it hour by hour, day by day. Grief can cause you to have poor concentration, poor memory, sleep problems, anger, despair, all manner of feelings like this are in fact normal. Try to get plenty of rest as grieving can be very exhausting and don’t expect too much from yourselves. Don't feel that you have to see people or go out if you don't want to. Your true friends will understand if you are not up to it. Take care of you.

It is a very painful raw grief and it does take time move through, but you will get back to some semblance of normality, although it is what we would call a ‘new’ normal, one that encompasses your grief. A midwife told me that the pain changes and at the time I didn’t believe her as was the most painful experience of my life, but looking back she was right.

You will find one day you smile at something, or laugh or just feel a bit better then suddenly you will feel guilty. Don’t. It doesn’t mean you love your baby any less, that will never happen, it just means your grief has given you a little respite. Grief is very two steps forward and one step back in these early days, so it is a case of going with however you feel that day.

You may also find people making well meaning but ultimately hurtful comments, unfortunately that too is to be expected. Some people may cross the road rather than be able to face you and say sorry – people just don’t know what to say.

After I had Philip I started a diary, which, if nothing else, gave me a focus each day to write at least a little. As the months went by I could look back and see that I had moved forward even if at times it didn't feel like it.

You can get through this and come out the other side. Life will never be the same again, but you can find happiness again, it just takes time. Please feel free to message me (just going off to check my account to make sure you can do that). Much love to you xxx

[HeyCarrieAnneWhatsYourGame]

I’m so sorry Alice. I don’t have anything useful to say, but I wanted to say that I am sorry. I will think of you and beautiful Ruby tonight and I hope and pray that you find happiness again.

[Bluerussian]

You poor girl. What a horrible thing to happen to you.

[KittyMcTitty]

Keep talking! This is just so terrible - but you are sadly not alone.
The pain never goes but you learn to live with it and in time it isnt the first thing you think of when you wake up.
Take every bit of help that is offered!!! Xxx

[bumblenbean]

I’m so sorry. May your lovely little girl Ruby rest in peace. I hope you and your husband can find some comfort in each other at such a heartbreaking time.

Please don’t ever feel guilty. You did nothing wrong. You will always be Ruby’s mum even though you were together such a short time.

[happychange]

I'm so sorry op Ruby is a lovely name. Have you got friends and family in real life to support you?

I can't imagine how this is feeling like, so sorry to hear

[RobertsMother]

Hello there. I lost my little boy last July. He wasn't still born but he only lived 14 hours, which is nowhere near what I dreamt we would have. I am so sorry this has happened to you and your daughter.

Seven months on, I wouldn't say the grief gets any less but you learn coping strategies. The immediate aftermath feels extra terrible because you are in shock and you get numbness followed by huge tsunamis of grief. Over time, you will learn to ride the waves but that is not much comfort to you right now.

Looking back, I very much existed second to second initially. It's all a bit of a blur but I did what it took to get from waking up in the morning to going to bed. My husband and I found it difficult to talk to each other but we tried to keep communicating. We let our friends and family do everything for us and this was essential as I just wouldn't have looked after myself at all without them.

It's hard to know what to say, I remember the awful pain and i don't think much helped me at all. The only thing that helped was someone on an internet forum telling me to Google "Foetal microchimerism"- basically the scientific fact that foetal cells cross into the mother's bloodstream during pregnancy and lodge in organs (like the heart) where they can stay for a lifetime. For me it really helped to think that I would always carry my son's cells with me.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

[happymum12345]

I have no words except of love, peace and hope for you now and the future. I am so very sorry.

[Dinsey70]

[myhouseistoocold]

Alice I'm so sad for you, I can't imagine how difficult it must be to lose a much loved and longed for full term baby. Ruby is such a gorgeous name and it sounds like she was a beautiful baby.

Very different from your experience, thirteen years ago I lost a baby at 18 weeks, a scan showed my son had anencephaly (the brain doesn't form properly) so I was induced and gave birth, but he was very tiny so this was not like birthing a full term baby. The hospital staff were amazing and we were still able to spend time with him and wrap his tiny body in a blanket and take photos, and we had a funeral for him (free hospital funeral service). I remember the lovely man who helped us plan the funeral and him saying something like 'it won't feel real but just remember that it was' which I found comforting. But I did already have a child so I was lucky to have him as a focus and distraction.

At the time I coped by spending far too much time on the internet reading other people's stories and crying a lot. I got married only seven weeks after losing him (a mistake in hindsight) and I remember crying all over the seamstress who was taking in my dress.

I found it very difficult that my best friend's baby was around the same age my son would have been, but eventually time helps with this.

Look after yourself as much as you're able to and don't feel you have to put on a brave face or be strong, be however you need to be. Much love.

[WineCheeseSleep]

I'm so sorry for your loss, it's so cruel for this to happen, your excitement at being a mum comes across so clearly. I hope you get some closure from the PM if that will help, and I'm sending you and your DH my condolences

[twinkletwinkleblueberry]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It does become easier to bare but takes time. I found the waves of grief eventually came less frequently, and became less raw and all consuming, until life continued with just a sad ache.
I'm three years on and I am lucky enough to now have our second baby.
The anxiety about conceiving again, and then during the following pregnancy was huge, sands charity was a huge support during this time as well as immediately following our loss.
We chose to have a C-section at 38 weeks and were very closely monitored with growth scans throughout last stages of pregnancy.
We still talk about our "angel baby" and celebrate her birthday, she will always be such an important part of our family.
I found after leaving hospital planning her funeral helped me to continue to feel connected to her.
I am so sorry you and your partner have lost your little girl and are having to go through this. If I can help at all please message me xxx

[loobylou10]

I am so sorry for your loss Alice.

[Alb1]

I'm so sorry about your daughter, I remember seeing or commenting on one of your threads a few weeks ago, so sad to click on here to see a familiar name. My daughter was stillborn almost 3 years ago, I remember how horrible the first few nights without her were, I hope it's as peaceful as it can be for you

[agteacht]

I am so utterly sorry for your loss x

[mynameisMrG]

Oh @Alice I am so devastated for you. I recognise your name from some of the other boards. I have no real words of comfort for you except to say I am thinking about you and Ruby xx

[PlinkPlink]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

The post about having a photo with her hand curls around your finger made me cry. I cannot imagine the unbearable pain and numbness you are feeling.

I can only send hugs and love. I hope you find some peace soon, in some way, shape or form.

[Cherrysherbet]

I’m so sorry for your loss Alice xx

[JeremyCorbynsCoat]

I'm so sorry this has happened Alice. Ruby is such a beautiful name xx

[wombatsears]

I am so so sorry.

[justilou1]

Oh darling, my heart goes out to you. You must have had so many dreams for her. I hope you held her and told her she was loved. She will always be your little girl.

[Monday55]

sorry for your loss

[GrievingMummy]

I do have support in real life. My family have been very good and will be here night and day if we want them to be. My friends have been good too.

DH and I have been closer this past week although the last couple of days we have been a bit more tense, possibly due to it being time to leave the hospital without our baby and it’s sometimes easy to take it out on one another.

I also think we grieve differently and we have had different experiences of this pregnancy, as mother and father.

Today is my first day waking up at home. I’m not pregnant any more and I also don’t have a baby. I feel a little bit like I don’t know what to do with myself. Yesterday after we got home from the hospital we went to see a couple of cemeteries and then we had dinner out somewhere as we didn’t want to cook and that was nice. DH asked if I want to go out somewhere today. I’m not sure I do but it’s probably better for us than sitting in the house.

But I’m more inclined than he is to actually face what happened. He will try not to think about it and watch tv or want to do something. I find myself thinking about her a lot. I want to think about her. And it has just happened.

[MadisonAvenue]

I'm so sorry Alice, Ruby sounds beautiful

[cstaff]

Hi Alice. I just wanted to say to you also that you really need to look after each other. This can make or break a marriage. In my sister's case it brought them closer but it could have so easily gone the other way. Talk to each other a lot. Don't ignore each other or what happened. You need each other now more than ever.

Mind yourselves 💔