Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent

[Mummylin]

Here we are on a new thread for a new year.
Hopefully we can bring some comfort to those who are mourning their Mum / Dad.

Ellie I am so sorry. What a massive shock to discover that. Those 19 days must have been an incredible stress for you. The fact that your DM lived with you too must have made it all extra hard.

My friend, who lost her DF suddenly, said do not underestimate the impact of the shock. You will feel numb, you may not feel yourself for a long time. Look after yourself and don’t take on too much. We are here to talk to

moonlight I am sorry you lost your mum when you were about to become a mum yourself I am glad that having a baby is giving you focus but I can imagine you miss her heaps at times in those little moments.

Alice what a stressful time for you. I am really sorry. The uncertainty of a lengthy illness can be so hard, and losing your DM at any age is so hard. My DM went through similar with her mum when my Gran was 90 and it was a very difficult time. But there was also relief that my Gran was no longer suffering. How lovely for your mum that are there with her and supporting your DF.

Annunciata I really want my Dad too, it’s unbearable that longing for someone when they are gone. Bereavement counselling is a good idea and I hadn’t thought about my work as they will offer it too. Something to think about. I am sure it would be a positive thing to do.

@Lepetitpiggy sorry for this delayed response, but I so know what you mean about the guilt. But I agree with heron, try not to let yourself think about it. You couldn’t have known your mum was going to have a stroke because she said she was tired and you weren’t to know she was going to pass away when she did. You did your best and she knew you loved her

Everyone I have spoken to about losing a parent had said similar things. I wish I had badgered my Dad to go to the doctor sooner about his cough, it worried me at times but when I mentioned it he didn’t really listen! If I had badgered him more they might have picked up his heart condition. I had also not visited in recent weeks to allow him to get better (my kids are full on) and I wish I had now. I also called loads early on in his pneumonia to see how he was, and when he said he was feeling better I stopped doing so much and I don’t know why. I also wish that on the Saturday before Father’s Day I had called as I thought about doing but didn’t as I was tired and I was going to on Father’s Day (when he died so I couldn’t). So many regrets but I try not to let myself think of them and remind myself that he knew I loved him loads, and that nobody can ever know that this cough/headache/fatigue their parents aren’t seeing a doctor about will be their last one. Be kind to yourself

@sparklyglitter1 and @foxyknoxy30 I your posts really resonated with me.

Never seeing my lovely mum again, never thanking her again for loving us so unconditionally, never again being able to laugh til we cried together, how do you get your head round never? I had a moment of absolute panicky terror a few months ago - where is she now? I’ve always known where she was before, now I don’t know and the terror and helplessness of that is bewildering.

I can really relate to this. I had what I think was a huge panic attack in the first week of my Dad dying, I just felt so confused, like I was trying to find him again but couldn’t, and I have carried on having a feeling that I have forgotten or lost something, until I remember.

But also, the thought that I will never see my lovely Dad again or hear his voice, or get to thank him for loving me so much. It’s hard

@foxyfemke I think I would have done the same as you, in your situation, regarding not being there in the final moments. I love this I was there at moments she needed me the most, and that's enough for me and agree that parents have a sixth sense that we love them.

Sorry for rambling tonight!

My dad died 2 months ago today. (I still find it hard to believe as I type the words).

I am feeling increasingly like my life is unravelling and want to know if this is normal.

I'm self employed but had to drop everything when dad was given his prognosis of weeks to live. Now 2 months after I need to try and get some work going again but I just can't seem to stay focussed. I feel so useless and have no confidence in myself or my abilities. I need to network and cold-call to get some work flowing but I get paranoid that every email I write is being misconstrued, that what I'm saying is transparently rubbish and I have no worth. I'm very defined in my self and my confidence by what I do - it's my career but it all seems to be going down the toilet.

I also feel hemmed in by having to constantly babysit my mother who is struggling to rebuild some sort of life without my dad. She wants company but is afraid to admit it but she is getting very clingy. My sister and I go to see her at least a couple of times a week each and it is really hard seeing her floundering.

My DD is great, she really tries to help me and goes over to keep my mum company, but my teenage son is so self-absorbed he is constantly doing my head in with his demands and bad moods. We have a 2 weeks holiday booked but I'm anxious he is going to spoil it for the rest of us as he only ever wants to look at his phone...

And my husband can see I'm struggling but is at a loss for how to help me and invariably turns any conversation round into his own issues. He has suggested I should just relax and take the summer off but that just feels like I'm storing up problems for later.

I just don't know how to rebuild. My brain flits just from one issue to the next.... When does the fog clear? When do you ever feel normal again? I'm also menopausal and a bit of a hormonal wreck...

@Anonymum40 it's very difficult to resume and rebuild normal isn't it? Our normal has now changed and two months in is still very raw, I can't even contemplate going back to work yet (3 weeks since mum died) and just getting the day to day done is exhausting enough.

Maybe have your holiday first and try to resume work after? That way it'll give you a break from the pressure your under and hopefully will refresh you.

So have come on holiday and thought must phone mum to let her know have arrived safely as I always did and then bam .

@foxyknoxy30 I keep thinking that too, must tell Dad about that

@Anonymum40 I am only three weeks in but I can certainly relate to having zero concentration and my mind flitting from thing to thing. Also my DH trying but not really understanding.

We understand though so keep posting

@Ellieboolou27 I was just thinking today how utterly, utterly exhausted and bone tired I am. I personally think you are wise not to rush back to work after what you have been through

We lost my dad suddenly 16 days ago, the funeral was on Thursday. He was talking to mum and 10 minutes later he was gone, massive heart attack.

I dont think I’ll ever get through this.

Meant to be back at work today but couldn’t face it, can’t sleep, I get to sleep but continually wake up and relive it all.

I was home with mum, brother and sisters from the day I got the phonecall until Friday, but live 3 hours away, We have a 4 year old and he was needing his mum, but I can’t seem to function, it’s like the fog so many of you have described.

I think being there and telling stories and laughing and crying while organising the funeral and doing what needed to be done was keeping me going but now I’m back to my own home with my own family I’m just broken, I feel useless and just so sad inside. I can’t see the point in anything.

I’m so sorry for all of your losses.

inver38 I am so sorry and what a dreadful shock. I promise you it gets better. It doesn’t become all ‘ok’ but you will manage to carry on and live with it. Literally take one day at a time. Never has that cliche been more true than during what you are going through. Your poor mum too. This thread has been brilliant for so many of us to say ‘stuff’ and get and give support. Use us.

I’m 2 years from my dad and 7 months from my ma’s sudden death. Feeling much better generally. However just said to sibling (we’re clearing her house) ‘if mum walked down the stairs now I wouldn’t be surprised’ sibling said ‘well I would’ - we had a good mix of laughter and some tears. Another day we’d each say the opposite.

Thank you for your reply.
I was so relieved to find the thread and I’m slowly reading through it.
I am glad you say it gets better most have said it never gets easier, which even if true I’m not sure I want to hear because that’s how it feels right now, if that makes any sense. My mum is still in shock they were together over 40 years, hard for us all but so hard for the partners left behind.

A friend told me he still thinks he sees his mum in a crowd and she passed suddenly 20 years ago.

Hello @Inver38. I am so sorry for your loss

I understand how you are feeling. I lost my Dad on 16th, also suddenly and with no warning. The shock is just awful isn’t it? Mum was also with dad over 40 years and I have been at hers a lot supporting her.

I think you can only do what @HeronLanyon says and take one day at a time. I can’t seem to think further than a day away at the moment. I am functioning OK in the day but I am sleeping terribly.

I can totally imagine still, in twenty years, seeing my Dad in a crowd.

Sending hugs

Thank you, I’m sorry for your loss @Emmapeeler, it’s so hard, we all thought he was invincible. How’s is your mum?

I am trying to take one day at a time, i’m definitely better through the day just pottering about but I’m waking so often in the night. I think I should go to chemist or docs today but that involves leaving the house which I’m not too keen on although I know I have to soon.

inver38 I too had trouble sleeping. Not because of dreams but just anxiety about my mum. I used nytol which helped as I didn’t want to go full on sleeping tabs. Hope your doctor helps.
8 months on I still have some social anxiety only to do with travelling in the tube. The thought of sitting quietly opposite row of strangers makes me think I’d just crumble and cry. I now have spent fortune on cabs when I can’t hop on a bus. Or use the tube very early/off peak. It’s an odd one but strong still.
Hugs everyone. And to all of your families. It’s a tough time. Take little pleasures where you can and don’t feel guilty about a single thing about what you’re feeling.

@HeronLanyon I think mine is also partly anxiety about my mum.

Funny you should say about social anxiety, as when I went to church with my mum on Sunday, I started panicking when we sat down. I don’t know whether I associated it with the Sunday morning when he died. I calmed myself down with some yoga breathing!

One ‘pluspoint’ of all this is I have had so many lovely conversations with people on here and IRL who have lost their parents.

A neighbour just popped round for a cup of tea and was telling me that 13 and 35 years on, she and her husband still think of their Dads every day, but it becomes less painful to do so.

emma it’s a funny one about your feeling in church. I think for me it’s when forced to just sit publicly with nothing to do and with people opposite I feel it may all come crashing over me and not at all sure i’d Be able to hold it together.
Hugs.

Doctor was lovely, it was nice just to hear someone say how I am feeling is absolutely normal. She gave me a prescription and I feel better just to have it just in case it doesn’t improve.

I feel more anxious in public, I don’t want to catch anyone’s eye as I’m convinced I’m going to cry.

heron I feel a bit like that too, like I am functioning but something could easily tip me over the edge.

Inver what did she prescribe out of interest? I bet it was such a relief for her to tell you it was normal, and good to have the prescription there if you need it.

@Emmapeeler Zopiclone, I’ve never heard of it. GP also said to be kind to yourself and to just get through each day, which is just what people are saying here too.

Evening all, today was bad, I had to speak to my boss so was really anxious, I've been off since beginning of June as mum was admitted then and she died on 14th June. Work were lovely and have given me the summer off as I have two little girls who mum looked after while I worked.

I too feel very anxious about meeting people, especially on the school run, I'm on Valium, beta blockers and anti depressants as have a history of depression.

I worry about what the future holds without mum, everything seems so pointless. I keep reading all your posts and it does help that I'm not alone going through this.

Work are arranging some counselling, Mum was my counsellor, feel as if she's going to come back and I can't get my head around she never will.

elliebooloo27 I am so sorry to read about your mum and that you are struggling. What a wonderfully supportive workplace - that must have been a weight off your mind.
I’m guessing your little girls will be an absolute delight as you start slowly to feel better. Even though you’ll always wish your mum was there to know them and love them (and you) I’ll bet you’ll also have feelings of pride and kind of ‘honouring’ her with them and how you bring them up.
It’s a funny old fashioned concept or word but my mum died 7 months ago and I’ve found myself feeling sometimes things like ‘mum would have been proud of that’ or ‘mum would have been pleased we’d done this’. When I feel that I have sadness but I’m starting to have a big feeling if I’ve for her and gratitude she was who she was and that she was my mum. It’s a good feeling and won’t ever go I’m sure.
It’s still very new for you. You’ll stumble through day by day. It really does get better. It will never be ‘ok’ but it gets better.
Thread’s been great to get things off chest and such good support.
Good luck with counselling.
Hugs.

@Ellieboolou27 so sorry you are feeling like this, your workplace sound so supportive. I’m new to this but we have to hope this gets easier.

@HeronLanyon

Very new to this and I promise to RTFT. My dad died two years ago when I was 31. Very sudden and I'm still reeling from it, to be honest. Will now read all of the other posts. I'm so sorry in advance to those of you who have also lost a parent. It's strange how it seems to take away all your adult years all of a sudden. Like you're a little kid again for a while, crying for the parent that once made everything better and can never comfort you again.

Sending love to everyone on here. I had a lovely day today, am back home and met up with friends. I’ve felt truly horrific this evening. I’m actually glad to be away from Wales, it’s all too raw for me there.

The shock for me doesn’t seem to be wearing off. I keep wanting to text my dad or call him and then I realise. The pain winds me.

@medusawashere - your post really resonated with me as I feel like a little girl again. I feel so incredibly vulnerable, it’s hard to explain. I’m gutted for my DD that she will never remember her wonderful grandfather, that’s what is causing me the most pain; that he won’t see her grow up. I’m in my early thirties and feel robbed to have had my father taken away from me so young. My poor sisters are still teenagers.

Does anyone feel angry? I feel mighty angry and I look at people and wonder why my dad was chosen and not them. I know this isn’t healthy but I just can’t help it.

Hugs to you all x