Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent

[Mummylin]

Here we are on a new thread for a new year.
Hopefully we can bring some comfort to those who are mourning their Mum / Dad.

@medusawashere it does feel like that, I’m so sorry you are still reeling. glad you found this thread.

@Inver38 @HeronLanyon thank you for your kind words, I have my first counselling session next week, not sure how much it will help but will give it a try.

Just checking in - it's been about 6 weeks now since I lost my lovely daddy.

I'm still bemused about how 'ok' I am. I loved him so much but I seem to have managed to get back to normal quickly. We talk about him all the time but it's not the oppressive grief I was expecting.

Except sometimes I realise he's not going to pick up the phone and say my name (it's a long unusual name that he picked and was the only person who used it in full regularly). And going to places where he always was. And seeing his shoes in the cloakroom at my mums.

And thunder storms. My mum hates them and he always distracted her and have her comfort and she's going to have to do that alone. So if I could just have him back that would be cool.

@Gamorasgran it’s the shoes which got me in the first week. His things were everywhere. And his keys, notes to himself, coats hanging up. He was there but not there.

I am doing OK too. It was the funeral today. I held it together reasonably well although I opted out of speaking in public (but I helped write the eulogy). I chatted to all the lovely people who had come and who helped on the day. But now I am completely exhausted.

We will be OK. But the sense of him being missing will always remain. He was such an integral part of all our family occasions (and so much more). I don’t think I will ever not think: ‘Dad should be here’.

@Leftielefterson I know what you mean about wondering why your Dad and feeling robbed. I keep looking at men in their seventies going about their daily life, and feel so sad that mine isn’t.

I don’t know if this helps at all but my Grandad died before I was born but my mum and uncle talked about him so much that I feel like I knew him. The values he lived by (fun, music and laughter) have carried on even through our own families. My own children also know all about him.

@medusawashere I know exactly what you mean about being transported back to being a child. I have felt more connected with child me in the past month than I have in years. I am so sorry for your loss, and glad you found this thread. My Dad only died a month ago but I feel like I will also still be reeling from the shock of how sudden it was in years to come.

@Ellieboolou27 I am glad your work is being helpful, and that you can have the summer off. Counselling sounds a good plan. It sounds like your mum was such an integral part of your daily life and my heart goes out to you

Am on holiday with time to think and it's really hitting me how much I miss my wee mum, at home I have work and running a house etc to keep me busy but here my thoughts are coming thick and fast and I think this pain will never go because I will never stop missing her ,strength to everyone

@Emmapeeler that's lovely that you felt you knew your uncle by the family keeping his memory alive. It's something I'm very aware of with my girls, we talk about nanny every day.

I'm an dreading the summer holidays as my parents have a holiday home which we always used to go to with mum. She had so much time for my girls and made everything magical, collecting shells for hours, making up games in the car on the long drive.

Mum would never read a book to my girls, she would always rather make up amazing stories for them which they loved, I feel I just can't fill this awful void.

I feel I'm just going through the motions of daily life,

New to this thread lost my lovely dad 4 months ago. It's still really hard can resonate with others.
The hard part is that he has left my step mum and step sister who we are not close to and it's hard sorting stuff out when it's not your own mum. There are still things to sort out and it s still upsetting.
We are all grieving in our own ways and it's hard for others to see that.
It's sad that people are losing their parents young mine was 72 and I feel it's unfair he had so much more life to live and he loved his life.
I think that s the hardest thing for me I expected him to be in his 80 s etc.

I’m sorry for your loss @jade74, It’s been 24 days since we lost my dad, he was barely pension age and still working, I can’t seem to function.

I’m attempting to go back to work today but I don’t want to go, I want to stay home and remember him and cry for him and for what we’ve lost.

There’s pressure though to get back to ‘normal’, I’m screaming inside it’s not normal my dad is gone but no one close to me understands although they are being kind that’s all they can do.
I miss my family I want to be with them but they are all 100’s of miles away.

Hugs to anyone who needs them today

You are right Inver 38.
People try but just don't understand.
I had to carry on as I had other major life events at the same time like a wedding and another funeral it was awful and looking back don't know how I did it. I think I had melt down a few months later as it was all built up. Due to starting a new job a week after he passed I had no choice but to go to work for financial reasons and still had trouble getting time off. I was unable to take more than a few days and still struggle at work now but won't get paid if I don't work so have no choice.

Life is hard 😪

and hugs to all who need them from me too.

My uncle (Mum’s brother) died on Friday and it’s triggered a whole load of emotions that I’m struggling to deal with. This sounds awful but I’m so relieved I can’t make the funeral (he lived abroad in one of those countries where they sort things super quickly so it’s tomorrow) as I don’t feel like I’d cope.

Medusa what you said about being a child crying for their parents really resonates with me too, I was an only and my Dad passed away 13 years ago so since Mum died I really do feel like an orphan. I keep dreaming that I’m a young child with no parents to look after me and that awful feeling stays with me long after I’ve woken up.

Inver I am on zoplicone too, I only take them when I really, really need to (as advised by the GP) but having them to hand makes me feel less panicky and I sleep better when I’m not worrying about sleeping (if that makes sense?) I also have beta blockers which I don’t take often either but just knowing they’re there if I need them helps too.

Anonymum I’ve had exactly the same feelings of anxiety and no confidence at work, I’m not self employed but had a senior role that I had to step down from (luckily my employer were fine with me doing so) it’s meant to be a temporary role change but I can’t see myself ever being able to work at that level again, I just don’t have the mental capacity, energy or confidence for it anymore and think it would break me.

I seem to be feeling worse as time goes on (coming up to 4 months for me) but I think that’s not uncommon once the shock and the busy/admin/sorting phase is over. I really need to sort counselling out as my workplace also offers it but I find the thought of it really terrifying for some reason, I’m not much of a talking about feelings type person though I was able to open up to my GP so it may not be as bad as I think.

I am so sorry to all the new posters. Losing a loved one is like stepping into a different world. It causes us to have so many different emotions.
I have felt envy, towards others who have their mums, I have at times felt absolute hatred to the hospital where mum died, I have felt like I have gone back to being a child, despite me being a nan, just so many different facets.
But I have to say that as time goes by, these feelings fade and eventually life gets back to a new "normal" I am now in my 7th year , but listening to a certain song can make my heartache, even now. And I miss my mum as much as ever.
For those of you in the first early weeks and months, the future can look so meaningless and sad. But take heart all of you, things def improve eventually. Some of you will get to this point before others, we are all so different and grief is different for all of us. But what we all have in common is that we have been floored by the death of a mum / dad and for a while we are broken.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other, just get through each day as it comes, you will find you are stronger than you think. Take care of yourselves. 💐

@Mummylin what lovely words, I'm only one month in losing mum, one foot in front of the other is just as I feel, going through the motions but feeling so devastated that everyday I can't wait for nighttime so I can just switch off.

The hospital wrote to dad yesterday stating a mistake had been made and that the scan mum had last May should have been redone every 3 months, no follow up was made until 11 months later, by that time the cancer had spread that once diagnosed she only lived 12 days.

That is so sad Ellie. It is shocking that things like this get overlooked, especially when it's peoples lives at stake. I would imagine that there must be a lot of " what ifs " going through your mind. Does your dad want this investigated ?
What a shocking and upsetting time for you, your dad and other family members. 💐

@Ellie You are still in the very early stages of your loss. And yes it bloody hurts. And for the first year there are all the important dates such as birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas etc. But somehow we get through each one as it comes along.
I personally would give anything for just 5 minutes with my lovely mum, whose death was unexpected.
For a long time, I probably felt like you do at the moment. Nothing seemed important, I found it hard to laugh at anything and things like that. I was one of the lucky ones, my siblings and I are close, that helped a lot and my friends were supportive.
I know for some this isn't the case.
In the future you May want to seek some bereavement counselling, it wasn't for me, but others find it helpful. You will be ok in time, I promise you. 💐

@Jade74 I am sorry for your loss. My Dad was 71 and I feel exactly as you do - robbed of another ten years with him

It sounds like you are a bit burnt out from having to carry on at work and with other life events. Going to a wedding and another funeral so soon after must have been doubly hard.

@Inver38 I know what you mean about pressure to get back to normal when nothing feels normal and when I am not emotional I am completely spaced and zoned out.

@Annunciata333 I am so sorry about your uncle What terrible timing. I also feel I want to take a step back at work, especially as I will now be going back home a lot more. I am not sure how to go about asking though.

@Ellieboolou27 that is terrible I am so sorry. I also have questions about the care my Dad received. It is gutting to think ‘things could have been different if’. Sending you lots of love. How is your Dad coping?

@Mummylin - such lovely words. It has definitely been like stepping into another world. One foot in front of the other is good advice x

@Emmapeeler dad is ok, he seems to keep himself busy and has my younger brother who lives with him so has company.

I too feel there is pressure to move on / try to get back to normal, having mum was my normal.

We are waiting for a reply from the consultant at the hospital, makes me so angry to think she could have had more time, she was told months one day, weeks the following day then died the day after.

Emmapeeler it was very hard looking back don't know how I got through it . I had a mini melt down few months later with a relationship break up and ended up being off sick from work spending days in bed. Recently have been off with stress. It's hard as I have started a new job so doesn't look good but what am I supposed to do .
It's small things that can trigger like a photo and birthdays are hard, not just his like my kids when there s no card with his name in etc.
Hugs to you all it's good we have this thread to realise that we are all not alone and it's sad that people are taken beforehand their time.

Back again.
It's 10 weeks since I lost my dad. I know it's still very early days but does it ever get any easier? I thought I was starting to do a little better but I've been a mess this week just want him back.

daintytoes I’m so sorry you struggled this week. I’ve found similar just when I think it’s become easier, wham, I have a sob and feel down and just miss my mum more than I can describe.

There hasn’t been any pattern for me (7 months from my ma’s death) as to when those hard times come and it is so different for everyone.
I can say (and this is common for lots I think) overall it becomes easier. The difficult times
Become less frequent and less intense and the in between times, plodding on, become longer and less dominated by grief. It’s not all linear - I’ve had set-backs (unexpected down days) and also remarkable progress (days where I’ve looked back and thought ‘wow that day was fun and I didn’t think about mum or thinking about her was ok’). I’ve been told by friends that during feb and March (months 3 and 4) I was clearly not coping brilliantly - interestingly I thought I was largely ok then.
It’s such a shock and awful thing to accommodate in your life. But we do and it does become easier and ok. For the moment literally just deal with a day at a time. Sounds as though you are dealing with it -and processing it a bit (thinking you were doing a bit better - no doubt you were!). For many it really does just take time.
Hugs to you.
Hugs to all.

@daintytoes I am so sorry for your loss. I am five weeks from losing my Dad and I can relate. I just want to see him smile, wave from across a crowd, pour me a drink or laugh his infectious laugh. I’d give anything to hear his voice.

I had a ‘bad’ day on Monday then on Tuesday I was off work anyway and spent it mostly listening to the music he loved on Spotify. Had a good cry and felt a bit better. It was comforting so I thought I might make a playlist for when I am feeling down. I have also made a folder of pictures and put my favourite photos of him around the house. His car is outside our house waiting to be sold and seeing it is both painful and weirdly comforting. The memories of him rolling up in it, and getting out smiling, and then going back to fetch all my mums luggage (!) is so recent it seems hardly possible it won’t happen again.

It’s so hard, I saw photos of someone with their Dad at a graduation on Facebook yesterday and at first I forgot that my Dad isn’t here anymore. It is briefly forgetting, then remembering that is most painful.

Sending you love and thoughts. @HeronLanyon your words are lovely (and so helpful), and I am sure very true.

Emma peeler hugs to you. Everything you’ve said resonates with me. I donated my ma’s car to Brest cancer.org who have a great system - doesn’t matter what condition etc. When the guy drove my mum’s car away I had a meltdown of sobbing in her house for exactly the reasons you feel. Silly little old lady’s car that she loved and named and drove the day before she went unexpectedly etc. We had arguments in that car (she wasn’t a great driver and we were close to having to have a chat about it - thank god we and she didn’t have to go through the loss of her
It’s just tough and sad. But all the time I remember how much she loved me and how I loved her and how thankful I am she was my mum.
Sobs. Hugs.
Forgot to say there are times when the sobs feel good and loving and proper.

Loss of her indépendance that should have read.

Thank you for your kind and supportive words

I definitely don't think I'm ready for a play list of my dads songs, that is just far too painful. But I'm so glad you've found something comforting. I just haven't found my "thing" yet

My dad was a huge lover of the musicals, classic musicals from the 1920s onwards and also Elvis so his taste in music was completely different from mine. I guess the only good thing is that there is no risk of hearing any of "his" songs on the radio!

Last week all I wanted to do was go to my dads and curl up in his armchair with the tv on but I don't feel I can go back into his house just yet. I found him at home unexpectedly after trying to contact him all day. And his house is so unique with all his things around that it would be more harmful for me at the moment.

I have been trying to tidy and sort my spare room, and throw stuff out, so I can make way for some of dads more valuable items to be stored at mine. This has been a huge struggle because it's at the forefront of my mind why I'm clearing. Dads house has been lying empty since he passed and I'm so grateful that DH and DDis have been checking on it and I've not needed to. Feeling v weak at the moment.

Your kind words have helped. I know this will be like a rollercoaster of emotions for a long time. I feel intense guilt when I get pleasure from anything. I was eating a dessert and thinking how delicious it was when I caught myself..I instantly lost my appetite and felt so guilty.

My poor DD15 has now dealt with 3 bereavements so far this year. My dad (her DGF) and 2 relatives on her dads side...her great grandfather before my dad, then her great grandmother passed away last night. I really feel for her.

Anyway wishing you all some strength today and over the weekend

Ellie that’s awful about the hospital messing up the scans, no wonder you are angry. I hope the consultant responds but I don’t see how they can explain or justify that in any way

Heron what you said about months three and four rings very true for me, I feel like I should be making more progress towards ‘getting over’ it but I’m actually feeling worse. It will be 4 months for me on 25th.

Dainty I cleared out my spare room so I could store some of Mum’s stuff but I just shoved everything in there and can’t bring myself to sort it out or go through it. It’s actually making me really stressed as I have no storage for my own stuff at all now and feel like I’m living in chaos but I seem to be paralysed when it comes to do anything about it.

I had to clear Mum’s house very quickly as she didn’t own it so at least that’s done, though in some ways I wish it was still there for me to go back to. Apart from the stuff I brought back here with me it’s almost like she never existed, with me being an only child, dad gone and family overseas I don’t really have many people I can talk to about her.

Your poor DD, hope she’s bearing up ok

Emma yes the forgetting and then remembering is awful, I’m always checking for emails from my Mum, she never got to grips with texting but loved to chat over email.

Mummylin thank you for your lovely words, it’s comforting to hear from someone further along in the process and feel like there might be light at the end of the tunnel.